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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by rainbowbrite on November 24, 2005, at 15:29:40
I dont feel like Im the norm sometimes when it comes to the holidays. I like this time of the year :-) well when things go smoothly. Anyway my point....do you ever find that your T's discourage you to spend time with your family? I feel like there have been times in the past and even now when it has been strongly encouraged to change tradtion becasue it didnt fit with my mood :-) or something. Just announce, I dont want to do it this way so all you have to accomadate ME. I really appreciate it now and regret some arguments that were encouraged. And at the time in the conversation it sounds good when someone tells you to avoid any family stress. But now it kinda pi**es me off.
For the record, I never won a fight
Can anyone relate?
Posted by daisym on November 24, 2005, at 17:22:54
In reply to family and the holidays and therapists, posted by rainbowbrite on November 24, 2005, at 15:29:40
I think therapist tend to encourage self protection and standing up for what we need/want. Often families bring out all the stuff we are working on and make us revert to old coping behaviors. I think most of them know that we can't live our lives isolated and in a vacuum from our families. But depending on what we are telling them, and how strong we feel, encouraging avoidance might be a therapist's way of supporting you to take care of yourself.
But I know what you mean about the "please accomodate me" feeling. I never think that I should just announce that I don't want to do such and so this way or that way. But you know what? If a family member had a special need or felt strongly about something, I'd most likely have no problem accomodating them. So why don't I think they'll do it for me?
I used to love this time of year too. It isn't family stuff that gets me, it is the amount of energy it takes to do everything. If I could go to the energy store and buy a bunch for Christmas, I think I'd find joy in the Holidays again.
I hope you are having a nice Thanksgiving.
Posted by Poet on November 25, 2005, at 9:01:52
In reply to family and the holidays and therapists, posted by rainbowbrite on November 24, 2005, at 15:29:40
Hi Rain,
It wouldn't do any good for me to confront my family about how they messed me up, so I just grit my teeth and go.
My T has asked me why I don't just tell my parents that my husband and I have other plans, but I don't. I guess it's because some part of me thinks maybe my family is not so horrible. Then I get there, see my evil brother and the horror comes into focus.
I wish my T would call my family and say Poet isn't coming this year, she needs a permanent vacation from you.
Poet
Posted by rainbowbrite on November 25, 2005, at 10:58:54
In reply to Re: family and the holidays and therapists, posted by daisym on November 24, 2005, at 17:22:54
> I think therapist tend to encourage self protection and standing up for what we need/want.
Thats true
>Often families bring out all the stuff we are working on and make us revert to old coping behaviors. I think most of them know that we can't live our lives isolated and in a vacuum from our families. But depending on what we are telling them, and how strong we feel, encouraging avoidance might be a therapist's way of supporting you to take care of yourself.
>you're right. If I was saying other things then yes the advice would be differnet. But I think back back now and Im like, would they really advise their kid to boycott church at christmas. But I see what you mean, its about teaching us to protect ourselves. I guess its the battles that were chosen at the time look so silly now.
> But I know what you mean about the "please accomodate me" feeling. I never think that I should just announce that I don't want to do such and so this way or that way. But you know what? If a family member had a special need or felt strongly about something, I'd most likely have no problem accomodating them. So why don't I think they'll do it for me?
Oh I would too, I guess Im thinking about stupid teen stuff. But good point, Im not sure how I would handle it if I was really depressed or something. I suppose Id hide it.
>
> I used to love this time of year too. It isn't family stuff that gets me, it is the amount of energy it takes to do everything. If I could go to the energy store and buy a bunch for Christmas, I think I'd find joy in the Holidays again.
>Yes, it is an exhausting time. I love the family stuff and all the parties. You get to really appreciate each other. I hope you find joy again, but it really can be a tiring time.
> I hope you are having a nice Thanksgiving.
You too!
Posted by rainbowbrite on November 25, 2005, at 11:01:52
In reply to Re: family and the holidays and therapists » rainbowbrite, posted by Poet on November 25, 2005, at 9:01:52
> Hi Rain,
>
> It wouldn't do any good for me to confront my family about how they messed me up, so I just grit my teeth and go.
>
> My T has asked me why I don't just tell my parents that my husband and I have other plans, but I don't. I guess it's because some part of me thinks maybe my family is not so horrible. Then I get there, see my evil brother and the horror comes into focus.
>
> I wish my T would call my family and say Poet isn't coming this year, she needs a permanent vacation from you.
>
> Poetaww Im sorry Poet, hopefully there will be time when you will be able to say to them that you and your husband have chosen differnet plans for the holidays and will need to spend less time at theirs. :-(
I hope you had a nice Thanksgiving
Posted by rainbowbrite on November 25, 2005, at 11:14:00
In reply to Re: family and the holidays and therapists » daisym, posted by rainbowbrite on November 25, 2005, at 10:58:54
> guess Im thinking about stupid teen stuff
or I just think of it that way
Posted by daisym on November 25, 2005, at 12:09:23
In reply to Re: family and the holidays and therapists » rainbowbrite, posted by rainbowbrite on November 25, 2005, at 11:14:00
I'm not sure what you mean by "stupid teen stuff" -- can you use an example?
We all outgrow certain behaviors but on the other hand, sometimes our families refuse to let us outgrow them. When I was 5, I fell asleep in the mashed potato pile on my plate at Easter. I don't really like them, so I don't eat them now. But my family brings it up everytime insisting that I shouldn't be embarrassed or worried that I'll do it again. They are teasing me, of course. But geez, I'm 43 -- I can CHOOSE what I'll eat now or not! :) It is amazing how change is encouraged but not really allowed.
Posted by rainbowbrite on November 25, 2005, at 16:29:33
In reply to Re: family and the holidays and therapists » rainbowbrite, posted by daisym on November 25, 2005, at 12:09:23
> I'm not sure what you mean by "stupid teen stuff" -- can you use an example?
>I guess I mean things like not wanting to go to certain events because I wanted to be with friends or not wanting to go to church christmas eve, just becuase. The t I was seeing really pushed and encouraged that I argue for my side and not do those family things if I didnt feel I wanted to. the attitude was "who cares", i know its over and done with now, But at the time it was upsetting for my parents and me to have these battles.
Recently the t im seeing said something with this same attitude (when I was throwing out a senario trying to figure out what the best thing to do was), like..."who cares if its a family thing, do what YOU want". There are a few examples Id like to use but they are too personal. Its just that t's have a lot of "power" at times and I find it interesting how they encourage this individualism, but Im sure if their kid was being given this advice they would be pi**ed!
when it happened again with this t it triggered my memory of the past and I was curious if this was common for therapists. This attitude of who cares about your family, its all about YOU.> We all outgrow certain behaviors but on the other hand, sometimes our families refuse to let us outgrow them. When I was 5, I fell asleep in the mashed potato pile on my plate at Easter. I don't really like them, so I don't eat them now. But my family brings it up everytime insisting that I shouldn't be embarrassed or worried that I'll do it again. They are teasing me, of course. But geez, I'm 43 -- I can CHOOSE what I'll eat now or not! :) It is amazing how change is encouraged but not really allowed.
That cute, you know, Daisy, its ok to fall asleep in your potatoes ;-)
Posted by daisym on November 25, 2005, at 17:45:08
In reply to Re: family and the holidays and therapists » daisym, posted by rainbowbrite on November 25, 2005, at 16:29:33
I think I see what you mean. And I think this is part of why people get sort of nervous when someone says they are in therapy. One of the "bad" things that therapy has become known for is making people selfish to some degree. I think it is over exaggerated, of course.
I've had discussions with my therapist about his expectations. Sometimes he will encourage me to do something and then when I can't, I'm worried he will be disappointed. He says he isn't, that he supports my efforts and respects my pace. But still...it is that power you were talking about, and for me, the need to please people.
Posted by rainbowbrite on November 25, 2005, at 19:03:10
In reply to Re: family and the holidays and therapists » rainbowbrite, posted by daisym on November 25, 2005, at 17:45:08
> I think I see what you mean. And I think this is part of why people get sort of nervous when someone says they are in therapy. One of the "bad" things that therapy has become known for is making people selfish to some degree. I think it is over exaggerated, of course.
>
Kinda funny, but Its sorta true I guess.> I've had discussions with my therapist about his expectations. Sometimes he will encourage me to do something and then when I can't, I'm worried he will be disappointed. He says he isn't, that he supports my efforts and respects my pace. But still...it is that power you were talking about, and for me, the need to please people.
>
>yeah, there have been times when Im thinking, wait...is that strange that I love my parents? But it isnt! i know that now. But when i was younger I thought so many things were wrong becuase of the opinions being given to me in therapy.
Posted by annierose on November 26, 2005, at 15:08:14
In reply to Re: family and the holidays and therapists » daisym, posted by rainbowbrite on November 25, 2005, at 19:03:10
I just read this tread and it's got me thinking. I do think T's forget to hear things somethings in the proper context. Yes, my parents did such and such and were not there for such and such. But ... should I not visit them on holidays because they didn't know any better?
I always tell my daughter, when you know better you do better. I just don't think my parents knew how to parent.
I understand what Daisy wrote when she said about disappointing our T's. My T sounded surprised when I told her my Thanksgiving plans, "but you'll have no allies there." Of course I did. I went with my husband, two children and my nieces and nephews do think I'm a cool aunt! So what if I hang out at the kid table.
And in therapy, we tend to talk about the hard stuff. The painful experiences, the bad memories. So their frame of reference of our childhood is slanted way towards dysfunctional. Of course my T (if she were to read this) would say, "There you go dimishing your childhood experiences."
I guess, in the end, we get to make these decisions all by ourselves. My T has been on vacation all week and I got to say, I miss her. My parents live out of state 1/2 the year, and I never ever miss them. What does that say?
Posted by rainbowbrite on November 26, 2005, at 16:42:09
In reply to Re: family and the holidays and therapists, posted by annierose on November 26, 2005, at 15:08:14
> I just read this tread and it's got me thinking. I do think T's forget to hear things somethings in the proper context.
Yeah, that was sorta what I was trying to say in my long winded appraoch lol>
> I always tell my daughter, when you know better you do better. I just don't think my parents knew how to parent.
>Its so true, I think we often learn a lot about what not to do from our parents so that when we have or already have kids we can do better.
> I understand what Daisy wrote when she said about disappointing our T's. My T sounded surprised when I told her my Thanksgiving plans, "but you'll have no allies there." Of course I did. I went with my husband, two children and my nieces and nephews do think I'm a cool aunt! So what if I hang out at the kid table.
>I understand that as well, I feel like I disapoint my t sometimes when I dont do things I say I will. The kid table rocks!!
> And in therapy, we tend to talk about the hard stuff. The painful experiences, the bad memories. So their frame of reference of our childhood is slanted way towards dysfunctional. Of course my T (if she were to read this) would say, "There you go dimishing your childhood experiences."
>Thats the thing I guess, are they biased?? Maybe and sometimes maybe not. Is easier if both ends have tried to make imporvements over the years. For me there has been and its possible that at the time my situation did look really unfair to my t.
> I guess, in the end, we get to make these decisions all by ourselves. My T has been on vacation all week and I got to say, I miss her. My parents live out of state 1/2 the year, and I never ever miss them. What does that say?
good question.
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