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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by cricket on June 16, 2005, at 8:48:03
Do therapists really need to care about all their patients?
I mean I know mine cares about me as a human being, but I know that I'm not in any way special to him. I know that I don't cross his mind outside of the session. In fact, when I miss a session, which is rare, he doesn't even realize it until the following week when he looks at his notes and says, "oh you weren't here last week."
So many of you feel better when you feel special to your T, when you feel like your T likes you as a person that it makes me wonder if that's a necessary component of therapy. Can therapy work if a T has no special feelings about a client but are committed to helping them because that's their job?
Any thoughts?
Posted by Dinah on June 16, 2005, at 10:21:27
In reply to Do Therapists need to care?, posted by cricket on June 16, 2005, at 8:48:03
Yes, I think they can.
It may depend a lot on the type of therapy you're doing. But I think as long as they like you as a person and care about how you do, they can help you.
For me, how my therapist thought of me didn't matter until I had invested years in what was really interpersonal therapy that used the relationship. Once I had spent significant emotional capital in the relationship, it started to worry me.
But I don't think it needs to be important for therapy to work.
I do think they can't dislike you (although mine tacitly admits that my intuitive feeling that he didn't like me in the first few years was not incorrect).
Posted by Daisym on June 16, 2005, at 10:33:59
In reply to Re: Do Therapists need to care? » cricket, posted by Dinah on June 16, 2005, at 10:21:27
Using my own experience with clients, I would say that being special isn't a necessary component to successful work. There are some children that I immediately get attached to and others I like and work with well, but don't tug at something in me. I still do my very best for these kids and I want the very best for them. And I always do my best with them, no matter how I feel about them.
I think it works much the same in therapy. A good therapist develops a working alliance with the client and therapy progressess. I think that many of us want to be special to our therapist but the likely truth is that they care about their clients equally, which makes them all equally special.
Posted by badhaircut on June 16, 2005, at 11:03:24
In reply to Do Therapists need to care?, posted by cricket on June 16, 2005, at 8:48:03
Feeling special to the T is certainly not bad in itself, but in my experience it can sometimes get in the way of good therapy and good decisions. I've seen situations where a therapist really, really cares but isn't doing any good. Then you may avoid considering new strategies or a new therapist because T really cares and you don't want to hurt her feelings or give up being special to someone. I stuck with a no-good therapist because I felt very special to them; it can be like a drug.
Is this something you can talk to your therapist about? It sounds like it might be an important issue.
Posted by cricket on June 16, 2005, at 11:50:57
In reply to Re: Do Therapists need to care? » cricket, posted by Dinah on June 16, 2005, at 10:21:27
I don't think he dislikes me, not usually anyway. But I also realize that his way is to treat everyone equally. I could be replaced by anyone else and it would be the same to him. He might have to change his techniques (and he would) to suit that person, but his calling is his calling and it doesn't matter whether it's cricket or Attila the Hun that sits across from him.
I guess that's really admirable and one of the things that I like about him.
Posted by cricket on June 16, 2005, at 11:56:39
In reply to Re: Do Therapists need to care?, posted by Daisym on June 16, 2005, at 10:33:59
Hey Daisy,
I didn't know you worked with children. In what capacity? It sounds like they are lucky to have you.
Posted by cricket on June 16, 2005, at 12:06:41
In reply to feeling special » cricket, posted by badhaircut on June 16, 2005, at 11:03:24
Hi badhaircut,
You bring up some really good points. Actually, you made me feel a lot better about this.
I think it is that enmeshment between therapist and client that can be, at the very least, counter-productive to therapy.
As far as talking about this to my therapist, yes maybe in some round about way I could. I'd like to phrase it as a compliment because I've never given him one of those.
But how? "I really like that I'm not special to you" sounds ridiculous or worse sarcastic.
Posted by badhaircut on June 16, 2005, at 15:05:47
In reply to Re: feeling special » badhaircut, posted by cricket on June 16, 2005, at 12:06:41
> But how? "I really like that I'm not special to you" sounds ridiculous or worse sarcastic.
LOL! Boy, put that way, it really is funny. :)
You could say, "I'd like to talk about what it's like when I don't feel special to someone. For example, I think that happens between us somewhat."
Posted by cricket on June 16, 2005, at 15:48:07
In reply to Re: feeling special » cricket, posted by badhaircut on June 16, 2005, at 15:05:47
Yes, I like that.
I thought of one.
How about "When I don't feel special to someone, I feel more free to be me. And that's how I feel around you."
Posted by caraher on June 16, 2005, at 17:25:52
In reply to Re: Do Therapists need to care? » Dinah, posted by cricket on June 16, 2005, at 11:50:57
> his calling is his calling and it doesn't matter whether it's cricket or Attila the Hun that sits across from him.
Early on I had a discussion with my T about my value as a human being and evidence for/against that. In the course of that we discussed whether she would do therapy with literally anyone and I tossed out Hitler. She said she definitely would not work with him. So I had evidence that in her eyes I was in some way more valuable than Hitler.
hey, it's a start ;)
Posted by Dinah on June 16, 2005, at 17:40:08
In reply to Re: Do Therapists need to care?, posted by caraher on June 16, 2005, at 17:25:52
"It's not Hitler" is one of my husband's and my private-speak, from a Bob Newhart episode where Emily remodelled the apartment.
I hope you've moved a few steps up the more valuable than xxx list since then?
You made me smile and that makes me consider you valuable. :)
Posted by Jazzed on June 16, 2005, at 22:25:55
In reply to Re: feeling special » badhaircut, posted by cricket on June 16, 2005, at 12:06:41
>
> But how? "I really like that I'm not special to you" .
>LOL, I know you didn't mean that to be funny, but it just struck me as funny.
I don't know, but I think if I didn't feel I was special, it would make me feel bad. Are you sure he doesn't notice when you're not there, maybe he just doesn't want to call attn. to it and make you uncomfortable? You could start with that, something like, "I'm sorry I missed my appt., did you miss me?" I don't know, I guess that sounds a bit pitiful.
Jazzy
Posted by cricket on June 17, 2005, at 10:28:47
In reply to Re: feeling special, posted by Jazzed on June 16, 2005, at 22:25:55
Hi Jazzy,
I understand the desire to feel special and I think if he ever gave me the least hint that I could possibly be special I would very much want it too. I guess that's a part of human nature.
But I think after 3 years, I can say fairly conclusively that I am not special and will not ever be special to him. And I don't think it's anything against me, it's just the way he is, the way he does therapy, the way he sees the world.
I don't have to ask if he misses me because I know he doesn't. It's not part of our relationship.
I have struggled with this in some ways. Certainly reading other's posts here at Babble. where many of you are very obviously special to your Ts, has made me question my own therapist's efficacy. And as some here know, I have struggled with terminating, finding another T, etc.
But now I am just beginning to see that there might be some advantages to not being "special". It certainly is more freeing. Also, I know that I am not capable of hurting him.
This is the end of the thread.
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