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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by littleone on May 17, 2005, at 21:59:13
I wanted to post something to try and connect again, but I don't know what to say.
We've been talking about a lot of mother stuff in therapy lately and my T had discouraged me from seeing my mum for mothers day. I ended up seeing her anyway and it was kind of nice. Then I was at a work conference for the following week.
I guess I was mad or resentful towards my T after seeing my mum and having that coupled with going away to an isolated area has really cut me off from everything.
I feel like all attachment to my T has been severed. I don't feel connected at all to my husband or even babble. I just feel nothing inside.
But it's a good nothingness. There's no depression or anxiety. I even managed to do some gardening lately (which I simply hadn't been able to do at all since my depression after the accident).
But even though it feels like a good nothingness, I know that it's a bad nothingness. That it's only feeling good because I'm not being terrified by the threat of attachment. And I think I kind of miss the connections to my T and my husband and babble. But that part is being very quite and is being smothered by the nothingness.
How do you re-connect to your T?
A while ago, my T was saying that I experience many events/feelings as a child and have issues from the dissociative sprectrum. I gave him some posts decribing the child like ego states you guys all talk about and he said that was what he was talking about too.
The last couple of sessions when I've been totally cut off, he's been asking me to draw for him. Doing this terrifies me. I find it too revealing. "But that's why we're here" he says. He wants me to draw my feelings and I have a strong suspicion that this is so he can look into the child like feelings more. But it's so scary.
He says it's another way to communicate. I say that I already write heaps out for him, he should be happy with that. But inside I know it's the adult who writes. In over a year, only once has a child written.
I don't want to have a "her".
Posted by daisym on May 17, 2005, at 23:45:28
In reply to Update from me, posted by littleone on May 17, 2005, at 21:59:13
I can hear my therapist in my head saying, "but there she is."
It *is* scary to discover these childlike feelings. And mind-blowing that we can still feel so small and needy.
Perhaps you've numbed out because this keeps "her" out of the picture too. Or maybe, you just needed a break from the intensity. And now it is really hard to open yourself up to pain again.
I've been in your spot for weeks. I know what you mean about missing the connection. I get it back the last 10 minutes and poof! it is gone again. My therapist tells me to write it out. Or just relax and let it come back. Both of these things are hard for me to do. I'm finding it easier to write on babble again, but sometimes I just can't here either.
I'm not helping, I know. I wish I had the answer. But I have lots of sympathy and hugs and chocolate.
Posted by Susan47 on May 18, 2005, at 9:10:56
In reply to Re: Update from me » littleone, posted by daisym on May 17, 2005, at 23:45:28
If I could do therapy with a male again, and he actually had guts, courage, you know, and knew what he was doing, I'd be honest with him about my feelings about him first of all, get that sorted out I suppose. A sudden disconnected state might mean you're getting close to something really important, needing to get through to the other side, work it out, I wouldn't ignore it. After everything I've been through I wouldn't let my therapist ignore it either.
Posted by littleone on May 24, 2005, at 22:03:11
In reply to Re: Update from me » littleone, posted by daisym on May 17, 2005, at 23:45:28
I find it scary to reveal the childlike feelings. Especially through drawing. Drawing is like giving him a picture of the inside of my head. Don't want him there. No one sees there. Waayyyy too revealing.
And drawing is hard. If I do too many drawings in a short period of time, those childlike feelings really come to the forefront. I don't like it.
My session yesterday was nightmare material. We'd previously discussed my first sexual experience (ick blah) or rather he was trying to discuss and I was trying to crawl into a hole. So I was supposed to write about it. Which I did, but then there was no way I could give it to him. And I flat out refused to talk about it.
So after an impass, he tried to just chat with me. About easier stuff. Except I don't talk. So we kind of tortured each other for 30 minutes.
I ended up looking at my watch and saying I may as well go now. He said he didn't want me to go. I said that this was just hopeless. It must be so painful trying to talk to me. Getting anything out of me is like pulling teeth. He said that pulling teeth is easier - at least you have pliers for that.
And so after that horror session, I decided to just give him the stuff about my first sexual experience. And all my horridly revealing kiddy drawings. And a discussion about that arousal in therapy thread. And something else that is really yucky.
And it's like I'm trying to bury/hide/disguise all the yucky things amongst other yucky things. So nothing stands out as yucky. It's all just one big yuckfest.
And because it is all so explosively horrible, I can't stand to sit on this stuff until Friday, so I booked myself in today. I bet he'll just be over the moon to see my name there in his book today.
What's the bet I see a foot waggle today? I bet I get one on the arousal in therapy stuff. Or maybe on the drawing of me hating his daughter. But I think I'm just extra sensitive over that drawing. Don't like to reveal nasty hateful angry thoughts.
Posted by Dinah on May 25, 2005, at 0:22:30
In reply to Re: Update from me, posted by littleone on May 24, 2005, at 22:03:11
Ah, I love it when they have a little "tell" that signals we've got their attention.
More seriously, good luck. I hope it helps to have the writings.
Posted by gardenergirl on May 25, 2005, at 11:32:45
In reply to Re: Update from me » littleone, posted by Dinah on May 25, 2005, at 0:22:30
Oh my, I noticed a foot waggle on Monday. I wondered what he was uncomfortable about. :(
Little one, It sounds like therapy has been really hard work for you. It's great that you are doing this. Therapy can feel so good sometimes, and other times it can feel SO HARD!
gg
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