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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Angela2 on May 20, 2005, at 13:10:26
Hi babblers. I don't like asking for help... It makes me feel weak. But I don't know what else to do. I'm dying here. Here's my situation: Me and my boyfriend have been together for five months. I like him. I think he's a good guy. But lately, I've been having a lot of doubts about him. 1.) he smokes pot and I don't. 2.) I don't really like his friends, I feel nervous around them, uncomfortable. I can deal with these things when they happen when I am in the moment. But after they happen, I feel upset. Especially the pot part because it jsut bugs me that everyone sits around and gets high while I'm the ONLY ONE sitting there who's sober and clear headed. It isn't fun. I talked to my therapist about it, and she said "so tell him not to smoke around you. I don't think that's too much to ask." So, I did. And he kind of didn't want to, but he agreed. I'm not sure if I even want this. I kind of feel bad that he's not going to smoke just because I'm around. I don't like the idea. I'm afraid it'll be this big thing and I'll end up being embarrassed. But at the same time, writing this, I think ti's good that I'm sticking up for myself. I just don't know if this is how I want to do it. Sometimes I don't mind when he smokes pot, and sometimes I do. It all depends on the situation and how I'm feeling.
I also have obsessive/intrusive thoughts about his friends and about the pot smoking. Usually, I think about his friends and how I think they're stupid. And I think about the things they have said or done that have bothered me. And I get angry about it while I think about it. It really sucks! because I can't stop. It wasn't so bad when I was in school, but it was there in my head. Now that I'm out of school and have a job doing a very routine thing, I think about it constantly. I told this to my therapist, and she really didn't touch on it at all. I wanted her to tell me tips on how I could stop letting this bother me so much. Of course, I didn't exactly tell her that. So I was wondering, does anyone experience the kind of thing I do with these obsessive thoughts, intrusive thoughts? Or has anyone ever dealt with people they don't like because they have a significant other? Does anyone know what I could tell him about the way I feel abouto his pot smoking? PLEASE HELP. I really need to know what to do. Because this is really bothering me. THANK YOU to anyone who has read this far.
Angela2
Posted by gardenergirl on May 20, 2005, at 15:19:42
In reply to T didn't help-pls help, need advice, posted by Angela2 on May 20, 2005, at 13:10:26
Hi Angela2,
It's nice to see you post again, although I'm sorry that you are struggling in this relationship.I think your T is correct in saying that it's not unreasonable to ask your boyfriend not to smoke in front of you. You said you are worried it will become a big deal and it bothers you. Well, it might become a big deal, if your boyfriend really struggles with trying to keep his word. But if it does become a big deal, I think that will have more to do with him than with your request. It is a perfectly reasonable request. There is nothing wrong with you expressing this preference to your boyfriend. It's then up to him to decide to honor it or not or to argue about it or not. But it's reasonable.
Regarding his friends, it sounds like you do have strong feelings about them. Are these the same friends who you felt uncomfortable around in the beginning of the relationship? I remember you used to leave the room when they were around. It may be that you are having these intrusive thoughts because of the strong feelings you have that it seems you cannot express. Do you talk to your boyfriend about these feelings? It may help for you to write it all out when you find yourself bothered by the thoughts. You don't have to show the writing to anyone, but sometimes it can act like a "brain dump", letting you vent it all out and move on.
(((Angela2))))
Good luck. Let us know how you are doing.
gg
Posted by Jazzed on May 20, 2005, at 18:14:19
In reply to T didn't help-pls help, need advice, posted by Angela2 on May 20, 2005, at 13:10:26
> Hi babblers. I don't like asking for help... It makes me feel weak. But I don't know what else to do. I'm dying here. Here's my situation: Me and my boyfriend have been together for five months. I like him. I think he's a good guy. But lately, I've been having a lot of doubts about him. 1.) he smokes pot and I don't. 2.) I don't really like his friends, I feel nervous around them, uncomfortable. I can deal with these things when they happen when I am in the moment. But after they happen, I feel upset. Especially the pot part because it jsut bugs me that everyone sits around and gets high while I'm the ONLY ONE sitting there who's sober and clear headed. It isn't fun. I talked to my therapist about it, and she said "so tell him not to smoke around you. I don't think that's too much to ask." So, I did. And he kind of didn't want to, but he agreed. I'm not sure if I even want this. I kind of feel bad that he's not going to smoke just because I'm around. I don't like the idea. I'm afraid it'll be this big thing and I'll end up being embarrassed. But at the same time, writing this, I think ti's good that I'm sticking up for myself. I just don't know if this is how I want to do it. Sometimes I don't mind when he smokes pot, and sometimes I do. It all depends on the situation and how I'm feeling.
> I also have obsessive/intrusive thoughts about his friends and about the pot smoking. Usually, I think about his friends and how I think they're stupid. And I think about the things they have said or done that have bothered me. And I get angry about it while I think about it. It really sucks! because I can't stop. It wasn't so bad when I was in school, but it was there in my head. Now that I'm out of school and have a job doing a very routine thing, I think about it constantly. I told this to my therapist, and she really didn't touch on it at all. I wanted her to tell me tips on how I could stop letting this bother me so much. Of course, I didn't exactly tell her that. So I was wondering, does anyone experience the kind of thing I do with these obsessive thoughts, intrusive thoughts? Or has anyone ever dealt with people they don't like because they have a significant other? Does anyone know what I could tell him about the way I feel abouto his pot smoking? PLEASE HELP. I really need to know what to do. Because this is really bothering me. THANK YOU to anyone who has read this far.
>
>
> Angela2Hi Angela,
I was in a relationship like this once, and it completely tore me apart. I ended up with all kinds of nerve problems, and HAD to get out. I hope you'll put yourself first and consider how this will affect you long term.
As far as the thoughts, sometimes an antidepressant can help with that. I'd ask her straight out, how do I stop this?
Jazzed
Posted by Angela2 on May 20, 2005, at 22:26:18
In reply to Re: T didn't help-pls help, need advice » Angela2, posted by gardenergirl on May 20, 2005, at 15:19:42
Thank you GG and Jazzed for your advice. GG, It's good to hear from you. I just called my T, and told her I was having strong feelings about breaking up with my boyfriend, even though I didn't want to break up. I had gone over to my bf's house earlier today and hung out with him and his roommates and it was horrible. I told her about the intrusive thoughts I keep having and she agreed that maybe I need a medication change. She's going to help me work on my feelings towards his roommates too, and I'm going to tell my boyfriend how intense my feelings toward them are. I don't know if the outcome of that will be good or bad, but I'm going to do it anyway. I'm seeing her Monday.
Posted by Krumcake on May 20, 2005, at 23:46:31
In reply to Re: T didn't help-pls help, need advice » Angela2, posted by Jazzed on May 20, 2005, at 18:14:19
Sounds alot like two long term relationships I've been in....I always seemed to get involved with those loveable potheads ;)
> > everyone sits around and gets high while I'm the ONLY ONE sitting there who's sober and clear headed. It isn't fun. >>
This was me precisely. I put up with this for a couple years after I got out of school... and same as you, I'd find myself sitting around not having any fun and getting angry about it later!
Your therapist is right! OF COURSE you have the right to ask him not to smoke around you. Your time is YOURS...why should you spend it being uncomfortable? Your time with him, isn't just HIS - It's yours together...and like you said - while you're sitting around watching them get high, "it isn't fun". To top things off, in addition to the time you are spending "not having fun" - he's also 'renting space in your head' cuz even when you're not together, you are obsessing about it! You're not being weird by worrying about this - it sounds pretty normal to me! :)
I'm assuming that you DO also spend time with him without his friends...and you do have fun, or you wouldn't still be together. Since you said you really like him, it's important that you let him know how you feel about this. You have EVERY RIGHT to be selective about how you spend your time, doing things that make you feel happy - not anxious!
>>I think ti's good that I'm sticking up for myself. I just don't know if this is how I want to do it.> >
It's awesome that you're sticking up for yourself - you have EVERY RIGHT! But I understand how scary it can be to lay down a request like this and worry about whether it will be respected or rejected. In my experience he is unwilling to live up to this "deal" not to smoke with you around, you have to ask yourself, what other needs of yours in the future might he also not fulfill, kwim?
>> So I was wondering, does anyone experience the kind of thing I do with these obsessive thoughts, intrusive thoughts?<<
Yes, and unfortunately, I found that (for ME) asking them to stop smoking around me only put a bandaid on the situation temporarily. Even if he DID live up to his end of the "deal" and smoked only when I wasn't around - I found myself obsessing about all the pot he was smoking when we were apart! The problem was really the POT - not my presence.
>>Or has anyone ever dealt with people they don't like because they have a significant other?
Yes, and you can put up with it for awhile, but it doesn't take long before it gets very old. I found myself, not only losing repspect for him - because he was hanging around with such morons, but getting disgusted with MYSELF, because now - so was I.
>>Does anyone know what I could tell him about the way I feel abouto his pot smoking?>>
I know you don't want to freak him out by turning it into a BIG thing, but you don't want to sound wishy-washy about it either. You're not asking for anything unreasonable! Say it in a confident, but casual way...
You could say something like this:
"You know how I feel about you and I love spending time hanging out - but you guys all smoke and sometimes it's just no fun for me. You know? I was hoping that we could do this instead..."See what he says. If he presses you to go, just say, "No, I'm thinkin that if you're going over to (whoever's) house to smoke, I'll just stay back here and go out with my friends from work (or whoever). It WOULD be cool to spend more time with you doing this...(whatever else you like doing)"
Hopefully, he'll show you some respect, and ditch the weed <no pun intended!:)
Best of luck to you. It's never easy, but after five months, I'm sure you pretty much know if he's going to be able to handle this or not. If not, I guess you have to decide if all that smoke is going to put too much of a haze on the rest of your relationship! ...Often it tends to.
-Krumcake
Posted by gardenergirl on May 21, 2005, at 12:38:30
In reply to Just called my T, posted by Angela2 on May 20, 2005, at 22:26:18
good for you! I'm glad your T was supportive. Let us know how things go, 'k?
gg
Posted by Angela2 on May 25, 2005, at 13:31:52
In reply to Re: Just called my T, posted by gardenergirl on May 21, 2005, at 12:38:30
Hi. Thank you everyone for your support. It means a lot to me. I went to see my T on Monday and she wouldn't put me on new medicine. My insurance is running out and I won't be able to see her in a few months so she doesn't think it's the best idea. I'm also going up on a medicine that I'm already on so she doesn't want to do both at once. She also didn't give me strategies or help me figure out how to stop my obsessive thoughts. I guess I'm just going to have to find a way to do that on my own. If anyone has any suggestions that would be great. She isn;t completely unhelpful tho. I hope I didn't make it seem that way. I think she just wants me to repsect the feelings that I'm having and not do the things that make me unhappy *i.e. go to parties at his house). Me and my boyfriend are in a weird place right now. He's having personal problems and admitted to me that he doesn't know if he should be ina relationsip right now. We've been talking and trying to figure out what's best, the only problem is that our work schedules are different and it's hard to get in touch sometimes. Thanks again for your support.
-Angela2
Posted by Tamar on May 25, 2005, at 16:26:41
In reply to Re: Just called my T, posted by Angela2 on May 25, 2005, at 13:31:52
Sorry to hear things are not going as smoothly as possible with your T/
About obsessive thoughts: I'm reading a book right now by Dennis Greenberger and Christine Padesky, "Mind over Mood". It isn't specifically about obsessive thoughts, but it might be helpful.
Tamar
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