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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by pinkeye on May 14, 2005, at 18:22:32
For those of you who have been following up my posts about my dad..
So on friday I called up home, and started talking casually, but then without realizing it myself, I started telling my dad everything. All that went in childhood, how it hurt me, how I felt so bad, how I had always kept things inside myself, how irresponsible he was, how he treated me like a companion instead of like a child, how it affected me.
And as expected he denied everything. He acknowledged some of it, mostly his irresponsibility in finance management, and his lifetime lack of earnings. But he said he brought me up pretty well, he never did a mistake, that he was just acting spontaneously and all that hugging and everything was just affection. He said he had never terrorized me, he never forced me to do anything, he said he always loved me a lot and didn't make me do anything I didn't want to do myself. He said he didn't try to seclude me from others - or my mom.
But my mom - was hearing all that I said on the phone as well, and she burst into tears - she confirmed everything I said.. She said I was 100 % correct in my memories. She said my dad forced me to not even talk to her many times, and that he wouldn't allow me to talk to other people closely.. She said she always knew - but was too afraid of my dad to admit.
But she also acknowledged that whatever my dad did, he did out of affection.. that he was not a bad person. And I know it. He meant very well.. and I think he thought he was beign extremely affectionate towards his daughter.
And I know he thought he was doing the right thing. Only it is pretty funny how my dad always talks everything correctly, but ends up doing and causing the exact opposite.
He says people should be very happy, but made my life and my mom's life miserable.
He can talk about country's economics and world economics, but he didn't know how to manage my home's finance.
He can talk about how good it is to be courageous, and to explore the world, but managed to make me so afraid of everything and so afraid of the world.
He talks about how I should be a strong and good woman, but managed to confuse the heck out of my sexuality.
He talks about love, how a family should be, how men should be majestic and how woman should be a very nice career plus personal life combination, but he made my mom completely like a doormat. She is afraid to even talk to any of my relatives. And within 5 mins of saying how you should treat everyone very well, he will shout so much at my mom.
I wonder how a person can know everything and not be able to do anything correctly.
But I forgave my father - whatever he did, I have forgiven him. There is still a problem in that he is not taking any responsibility financially, and I am supporting them, and it will be a quite a bit of burden when I return back to India. And I don't know how I will manage that. And he still is very arrogant and proud and contradicts himself a lot, but that is the best he can do at 58.
Posted by gardenergirl on May 16, 2005, at 11:42:43
In reply to I told my dad everything - And I forgave., posted by pinkeye on May 14, 2005, at 18:22:32
Wow, that was really brave of you. I'm glad you were able to forgive. Good for you.
gg
Posted by Shortelise on May 16, 2005, at 12:02:55
In reply to I told my dad everything - And I forgave., posted by pinkeye on May 14, 2005, at 18:22:32
Pinkeye, that's incredible.
((((pinkeye))))
ShortE
Posted by pinkeye on May 16, 2005, at 14:05:32
In reply to Re: I told my dad everything - And I forgave. » pinkeye, posted by Shortelise on May 16, 2005, at 12:02:55
I actually remembered this poem .. I had read it long back, but I figured it was the right way to do things. I couldn't hold anger at my father. IT would have done me no good.
Has anyone read this poem?
A Poison Tree - a poem by William Blake
I was angry with my friend;
I told my wrath, my wrath did end.
I was angry with my foe:
I told it not, my wrath did grow.And I waterd it in fears,
Night and morning with my tears:
And I sunned it with smiles,
And with soft deceitful wiles.And it grew both day and night,
Till it bore an apple bright.
And my foe beheld it shine,
And he knew that it was mine.And into my garden stole.
When the night had veiled the pole;
In the morning glad I see,
My foe outstretchd beneath the tree.
Posted by sunny10 on May 17, 2005, at 9:07:30
In reply to Thanks both of you.. A poem helped me., posted by pinkeye on May 16, 2005, at 14:05:32
Wow- I am in awe of your power.
I only wish that I had said these things to MY father while he was still alive!
You have the strength to do anything you need to; you've just proven it!
Posted by pinkeye on May 18, 2005, at 13:07:08
In reply to Re: Thanks both of you.. A poem helped me., posted by sunny10 on May 17, 2005, at 9:07:30
I couldn't live with myself holding grudge against my dad. That is why I told him. Otherwise, I was just crumling down inside.
Posted by sunny10 on May 18, 2005, at 16:01:29
In reply to Thanks Sunny. » sunny10, posted by pinkeye on May 18, 2005, at 13:07:08
I would bow down in front of you if I was there with you right now.
A truly powerful woman, you are...
Posted by pinkeye on May 18, 2005, at 16:14:37
In reply to Re: I am still in awe..., posted by sunny10 on May 18, 2005, at 16:01:29
hmm.. getting all these positive feed back from you guys is making me rethink about myself.
Maybe, I am atleast as good as others. But I know I crumble down a whole lot more. Yesterday I was crying for 2 hours about going back to India. And I was feeling miserable. There is a huge discord somewhere in how other people think of me and what I really am. Maybe I am communicating a wrong image.
Posted by sunny10 on May 19, 2005, at 9:02:29
In reply to Re: I am still in awe..babble is making me rethink » sunny10, posted by pinkeye on May 18, 2005, at 16:14:37
you're not "wrong" about any of what you project- you're human.
Human are multi-faceted people. There are many strengths and weakness in all of us.
But, wow, this stuff with your parents?!?!? You really ARE much stronger than you think you are.
And who DOESN'T cry from time to time? I couldn't sleep last night because I was thinking about all of the inconsistencies in the lives of women today. We are bombarded with so many dictates on how we "should be", both strong and weak, it is hard to know what to do, what to expect from the men in our lives.
The only thing I came up with is the fact that no matter what others do or say, I can only do what's best for me on any given day.
I rely on the Serenity Prayer and the phrase, "I'm doing the best that I can".
And from some of your other threads, it's sounds like you should definitely rethink your definition of yourself.
You say you're weak and don't know what you need to be happy, yet you DO something so difficult in order to be happier and more peaceful about your relationship with your parents.
The rest of the world defines us by our actions, not our thoughts. We have to start doing the same and stop being our own worst critics, I think...
Posted by pinkeye on May 19, 2005, at 13:45:51
In reply to Re: I am still in awe..babble is making me rethink » pinkeye, posted by sunny10 on May 19, 2005, at 9:02:29
> you're not "wrong" about any of what you project- you're human.
Ok. that makes me relieved. I worry that I project lot of inconsistent picture of myself.
>
> Human are multi-faceted people. There are many strengths and weakness in all of us.Yeah. You are incredibly smart you know sunny? Lately I have been liking your posts a lot.
>
> But, wow, this stuff with your parents?!?!? You really ARE much stronger than you think you are.Maybe I should give an explanation. In the past 10 years, my dad has changed quite a bit. Ever since I got my rheumatoid arthritis. He has mellowed down a whole lot more. So now I don't really fear him that much. Plus he is dependant on me now, and I am not dependant on him anymore. So there is no fear that much. And I know they love me and they know I love them, so that makes things a lot easier for me.
>
> And who DOESN'T cry from time to time? I couldn't sleep last night because I was thinking about all of the inconsistencies in the lives of women today. We are bombarded with so many dictates on how we "should be", both strong and weak, it is hard to know what to do, what to expect from the men in our lives.Yeah.. I think lot of the confusion that I have is probably more applicable for lot more woemn in general nowadays. Changing roles and responsibilities and changing world I guess.
>
> The only thing I came up with is the fact that no matter what others do or say, I can only do what's best for me on any given day.Maybe that is the approach that I should also take. But it is hard to know when to give in and when to not.
>
> I rely on the Serenity Prayer and the phrase, "I'm doing the best that I can".
>
> And from some of your other threads, it's sounds like you should definitely rethink your definition of yourself.I have been doing a lot of rethinking and redefining. It is not enough, but I think I am on the right track atleast.
>
> You say you're weak and don't know what you need to be happy, yet you DO something so difficult in order to be happier and more peaceful about your relationship with your parents.
>
> The rest of the world defines us by our actions, not our thoughts. We have to start doing the same and stop being our own worst critics, I think...
Posted by sunny10 on May 19, 2005, at 14:48:22
In reply to Re: I am still in awe..babble is making me rethink » sunny10, posted by pinkeye on May 19, 2005, at 13:45:51
>
> Ok. that makes me relieved. I worry that I project lot of inconsistent picture of myself.
>
**** funny, but if you WEREN'T inconsistent, you'd be considered "shallow" or "self-centered"... tee hee
>
> Maybe I should give an explanation. In the past 10 years, my dad has changed quite a bit. Ever since I got my rheumatoid arthritis. He has mellowed down a whole lot more. So now I don't really fear him that much. Plus he is dependant on me now, and I am not dependant on him anymore. So there is no fear that much. And I know they love me and they know I love them, so that makes things a lot easier for me.
> >
*****If you were as weak as you say you are, you wouldn't be less afraid of him and his opinion of you no matter how he changed. You may be liking my posts lately, but even when my dad got older and frail, I STILL wasn't strong enough to confront him with the way he raised me...He had changed, but I had not. So you can see what I mean about our own words and actions being the only things we control....
> Yeah.. I think lot of the confusion that I have is probably more applicable for lot more woemn in general nowadays. Changing roles and responsibilities and changing world I guess.
> >
***** sometimes the "it's not fair that the men haven't had to change, too" gets to me, I must admit...> Maybe that is the approach that I should also take. But it is hard to know when to give in and when to not.
> >
*****if what you are giving in to goes against you're own core values, it is never right. That's what compromise is for...each person "giving in a little" in order to preserve an integral sense of self for each person in any relationship.
> >
> > > I have been doing a lot of rethinking and redefining. It is not enough, but I think I am on the right track atleast.
> >
*****The US Bill of Rights tells us that we (humans) are all entitled to "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness"... yes, you are on the right track!!!
Posted by pinkeye on May 19, 2005, at 22:13:14
In reply to Re: I am still in awe..babble is making me rethink » pinkeye, posted by sunny10 on May 19, 2005, at 14:48:22
*****if what you are giving in to goes against you're own core values, it is never right. That's what compromise is for...each person "giving in a little" in order to preserve an integral sense of self for each person in any relationship.
That is an awesome statement. I guess that has been one of the problems for me in my marriage. My husband has been trying to rewrite the basic me, and that is what is horrifying for me. But the basic me that my father taught me was also not right. So I also want to change some of it. And I am so confused.
Posted by sunny10 on May 20, 2005, at 11:38:32
In reply to Re: I am still in awe..babble is making me rethink » sunny10, posted by pinkeye on May 19, 2005, at 22:13:14
Yes, only you should re-write the basic "me" if if needs to be re-written.
Otherwise you won't be "you" at all- and it doesn't work if someone else tells you what to be because then "me" is always trapped inside.
And a Trapped Inside Me leads to depression....
This is the end of the thread.
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