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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 18 of 18. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by crushedout on December 6, 2004, at 23:49:51
Things have been mostly good. I think about the old T a lot lately, and I get that wonderful, druglike feeling I got when she called me last Monday. I'm not sure what that's all about but I think there are at least a few things going on:1. I know I hurt her and that mean she cares, which makes me feel good.
2. I feel like the power has shifted back into my hands. I like that.
3. I no longer envy her like I used to -- I actually feel sorry for her. This is a nice change.
4. [I know this is messed up but] I think now we have a better chance of actually becoming lovers than we did when she was my T. Especially because she's got so many issues and I abandoned her -- that always makes a person [i.e., me] more enticing. Now, I ask myself, why on earth would I want to go out with this crazy, manipulative, married with child, bad therapist? I don't know. I just like her so much. I just want her bad. I can't explain it.
I've been feeling good about my decision to end treatment with her, even after getting her email, which I didn't post here (anyone want to see it? I'll post it -- with pseudonyms of course -- if so). And today I saw terminator 2, er T2, and we had a pretty good session, talking about most of the above. And then when I got home I felt compelled to send the old T another email, kind of just to be mean. I wanted to let her know that she got some stuff wrong in the email she sent me. [Jeez Louise I'm babbling incoherently. This cannot go anywhere good. To post or not to post? Always the question.] That was satisfying. I think I'm on a sadistic power trip right now.
Then I left my house and got a piece of mail from the old T. I got scared and mad that it was a bill for the session I cancelled 10 minutes late last week, but it wasn't. It was an insurance check accidentally made out to her. She had endorsed it, wrote, "best, [Ellen]" on a hot pink sticky note, and mailed it to me in an envelope with a really nice stamp from her home town. (Not that I was paying attention.) Suddenly I missed her so much. Now I'm thinking, "Did I really do the right thing? Maybe I should go back." WHAT IS UP WITH THAT??????
Posted by yoshimi on December 7, 2004, at 0:50:09
In reply to update, posted by crushedout on December 6, 2004, at 23:49:51
crushed,
i know you don't know me cuz we didnt talk
before, but i keep up with whats going on with
you here cuz i find it interesting cuz it relates
to some stuff in my life. (hope that isnt
freaking you out). so i am sorry to kinda intrudebut i wanted to say that i am really impressed
and think that you are amazing for what you have
done in this situation and i think that really
the longer you can stick it out and not call
her or talk to her the better you will feel.
and pain will still come up but it may kinda
be like addiction where it gets easier over time.i had someone in my life who would hurt me again
and again but sometimes they would say a one
sentence that was nice and then i would think,
wow see they ARE nice and I am crazy, but the
truth is that that person (in my situation, i
am not making judgments on yours cuz im not in it)
wasnt nice then and they arent nice now and
they probably wont ever really be good for me
even if they write a whole page of niceness.oh i am rambling. i am just trying to support
you in your decision. i feel really strongly
that you made the right decision. I hope i ddidnt
upset you any, i just dont want to see you get
hurt or drawn back into it. and I am very very
impressed. my similar (i think) situation was
unbelievably difficult and the willpower it took
to not call or write was huge. but i do feel
a lot better.take care
yoshimi
Posted by crushedout on December 7, 2004, at 1:05:41
In reply to Re: update » crushedout, posted by yoshimi on December 7, 2004, at 0:50:09
thank you for your post yoshimi. i really liked it and i definitely need to hear from people who think so that i did the right thing (of course you did not offend me).sometimes i'm really not sure if i did. i had some deep doubts today. i mean, i say she was a bad t, but maybe i'm just blaming her because i was in love with her and it was not her fault? how to know that it was the right thing. i dunno.
so, it helps to hear that you think it was. even if i don't know why you think so.
thanks.
Posted by yoshimi on December 7, 2004, at 1:30:15
In reply to Re: update » yoshimi, posted by crushedout on December 7, 2004, at 1:05:41
oh i am glad you liked it. well see i think
that some things i read you wrote a long time
ago seemed like she was playing head games with
you and that to me seems to not make for a
therapeutic relaationship. and i believe you
that she was doign that, and sometimes people
are very manipulative. she seemed that way
to me.i could just see all the turmoil it caused
you and to me i would always just hope that you
would stop seeing her because i feel like you
seem to be a wonderful loving person and deserve
a therapist who can help you have a therapeutic
relationsihp with them and that can in the long
term help you have a loving relationsihp with
someone not your therapist.and so that maybe will help you see why i think
so that you did the right thing.
i also apologize for my cr*ppy grammar and
spelling right now, i am just real tired and
not able to formulate better sentences. :)but give yourself a pat on the back for me
and know that you are doing good.take care
yoshimi
Posted by crushedout on December 7, 2004, at 1:40:38
In reply to Re: update » crushedout, posted by yoshimi on December 7, 2004, at 1:30:15
thanks, yoshimi. yeah, those are the reasons i'm glad i left her when i believe that's really what happened, which is most of the time. it's just sometimes i wonder if (like you said) maybe i'm crazy and really she didn't do anything that bad. well, the cd was bad, really bad. but everything else, maybe wasn't. i hate feeling crazy.anyway, thank you for posting.
Posted by Fallen4MyT on December 7, 2004, at 1:45:49
In reply to Re: update » yoshimi, posted by crushedout on December 7, 2004, at 1:40:38
I agree with yoshimi. My only difference is ...haha I bet this won't shock you I hope you get a shot at your old t as far as ummm what you want non pro :P
Posted by crushedout on December 7, 2004, at 1:50:52
In reply to Re: update (( crushed )), posted by Fallen4MyT on December 7, 2004, at 1:45:49
you're so bad, fallen. :) i love you for it. thank you for your kind wishes.
Posted by crushedout on December 7, 2004, at 1:52:50
In reply to Re: update » crushedout, posted by yoshimi on December 7, 2004, at 1:30:15
how come you've never posted before? or rather, i haven't seen you?you seem like a wonderful addition to babble. and i'm not just saying that cuz you're nice to me. :)
Posted by Fallen4MyT on December 7, 2004, at 1:56:13
In reply to Re: update (( crushed )) » Fallen4MyT, posted by crushedout on December 7, 2004, at 1:50:52
>
> you're so bad, fallen. :) i love you for it. thank you for your kind wishes.
HAHAHA youre welcome one must admit I am good at being bad :P I do wish this for you...we are birds of a feather still hehe
Posted by crushedout on December 7, 2004, at 2:02:07
In reply to Re: update (( crushed )) » crushedout, posted by Fallen4MyT on December 7, 2004, at 1:56:13
i hope dr. bob doesn't block me for calling you bad. :)
Posted by Fallen4MyT on December 7, 2004, at 2:11:22
In reply to Re: update (( crushed )) » Fallen4MyT, posted by crushedout on December 7, 2004, at 2:02:07
>
> i hope dr. bob doesn't block me for calling you bad. :)
LMAO OMG I didn't think of that but I know what you meant and it can be taken as the slang bad ...tell him that :)
Oh and yoshimi has posted she is very nice we have talked in social you should see my one..well two threads...and we were on eating too...so she hasnt seen your posts to her yet....I AM BAD maybe that could be my nickname? :P
Posted by fallsfall on December 7, 2004, at 11:52:41
In reply to update, posted by crushedout on December 6, 2004, at 23:49:51
You are doing great, crushed.
It would surprise me if you *didn't* have feelings like you should go back to her. But just because you have those feelings doesn't mean you should ACT on them.............
Hold out. You are doing the right thing.
Posted by Rigby on December 7, 2004, at 15:24:40
In reply to update, posted by crushedout on December 6, 2004, at 23:49:51
Hey Crushed,
Sounds like you're swinging from one emotion and direction to another and having a ton of feelings. It seems natural to me.
How are you feeling about things today?
Rigby
Posted by crushedout on December 7, 2004, at 20:26:24
In reply to This Too Shall Pass? Maybe??, posted by Rigby on December 7, 2004, at 15:24:40
hey rigby,i guess i feel a bit less obsessed with her today. i'm not second-guessing myself that much. i haven't thought about it that that much.
but i think i may always have doubts about whether i did the right thing leaving her.
i made a list today of all of her "mistakes" with me. maybe i was trying to remind myself what a f-up she's been.
crushed.
Posted by yoshimi on December 8, 2004, at 1:38:32
In reply to Re: update » yoshimi, posted by crushedout on December 7, 2004, at 1:40:38
you are welcome crushed,
yes i understand feeling crazy. people can really
make you feel that way. i bought a book on emotional abuse,
because i think that is waht all that manipulation
is. you are not crazy. and i know you did
the right thing.> thanks, yoshimi. yeah, those are the reasons i'm glad i left her when i believe that's really what happened, which is most of the time. it's just sometimes i wonder if (like you said) maybe i'm crazy and really she didn't do anything that bad. well, the cd was bad, really bad. but everything else, maybe wasn't. i hate feeling crazy.
>
> anyway, thank you for posting.
Posted by yoshimi on December 8, 2004, at 1:41:33
In reply to p.s. » yoshimi, posted by crushedout on December 7, 2004, at 1:52:50
hi again
oh i used to post here for a long time ago, but
ihad another name and i did something dumb and posted my extremely unique real life name and it
really freaked me out, so i quit posting for like a year then changed my name and i am back, but still not posting a whole h*ll of a lot. im still
afraid i will post my real name again and someone
will find me.i have a little paranoia that way.
thanks for saying such a sweet thing to me.
i love to post, but i get caught up in it some
too and i get too buried in my work and stuff
and cant come back and i also worry that people
will be mad if i miss posts or something. more
of my own silly anxiety. yuck!you are so nice, im glad you didnt mind me
butting in your thread. :)yoshimi
Posted by crushedout on December 8, 2004, at 1:52:49
In reply to Re: p.s. » crushedout, posted by yoshimi on December 8, 2004, at 1:41:33
how come you're always posting so late? different time zone? or just a night owl? (the latter for me, unfortunately. i'm trying to get on a normal schedule and i can't.)
Posted by yoshimi on December 8, 2004, at 2:01:34
In reply to Re: p.s. » yoshimi, posted by crushedout on December 8, 2004, at 1:52:49
lol. i am a night owl. its awful i stay up so late but then have insomnia. i got no sleep for days and i have to be up in 6 hours.... its tough to get on a normal schedule...
This is the end of the thread.
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