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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by mair on September 22, 2004, at 16:22:17
Maybe I am just really shallow and self-centered.
God I feel unstable right now.
Posted by gardenergirl on September 22, 2004, at 18:03:30
In reply to and then again..., posted by mair on September 22, 2004, at 16:22:17
Mair,
I respect that you don't want to post all the layers and details of your situation. I also respect that whatever is going on, it's causing great pain. That's not shallow or superficial. It just is. I wish you weren't going through it. I wish I knew a way to help.(((((((((Mair)))))))))
warmly,
gg
Posted by Dinah on September 22, 2004, at 19:25:07
In reply to and then again..., posted by mair on September 22, 2004, at 16:22:17
I *know* you aren't shallow and self-centered. From what little I know of the situation, I think it's a nasty variation on one I have at work sometimes. And I know how terribly upsetting it can be.
I wish I could say something brilliant. But all I can do is offer to give some support and encouragement on that wild ride. (And hope like heck that we both manage calmer waters very soon.)
Posted by RosieOGrady on September 22, 2004, at 19:45:39
In reply to and then again..., posted by mair on September 22, 2004, at 16:22:17
I guarantee you are not shallow or self-centered. You sound horribly depressed. I think the depression is keeping you from thinking clearly about this. You are worth more than any job or family business or anything else. I wonder if your therapist isn't picking up the desperation in your voice without being aware of your suicidal thoughts and this is pushing her to get involved in trying to solve what you are presenting as the problem. You simply must tell her about the suicidal thoughts and treat that medically. I'm sure if you're like most of us here you've tried a lot of ADs and they haven't really done the job but don't give up. Have you checked out things physically-thyroid, hormones etc? Maybe it's time to check into the hospital for a little while? Or full spectrum light-it's that time of year again.
And you know your husband better than I do but he might surprise you if you let him in on how you are feeling. I get the impression that you are always keeping up a good front and taking care of everybody else-try to give him a chance to take care of you to whatever extent he's able to manage.
Take a leave of absence if you need it or quit or fire the problem person if that's possible. I think there is nothing at all wrong in changing your environment to be less stressful. Bear in mind that depression distorts your interpretation of things too. If you weren't depressed you might be able to slough off this persons rude remarks.
I can just sense that you are a wonderful mom and your kids would rather have you there when they bring home grandkids someday than anything that could possibly be bought with insurance money.
I guess I'm really going scattershot now but all I really want to do is express concern for you. It scares me that you say you are not impulsive but then you say you feel unstable while you're battling suicidal thoughts. I hope I'm overreacting.
Posted by mair on September 22, 2004, at 21:51:18
In reply to Re: and then again...you're a good person » mair, posted by RosieOGrady on September 22, 2004, at 19:45:39
Thanks so much Rosie - Like some others I've met here, I periodically struggle alot with suicidal ideation. I think it's just my own personal cross to bear - or, as my T puts it, my most troublesome, and unfortunately, enduring symptom. While it's taken alot of hard work to get there, I really think I am at a place with my T where I'd call her if I really felt in any imminent danger.
Strangely, to me, I can be in pretty bad internal shape, and function quite nicely externally, so most of the time, no one really knows how bad things can be getting, except my T - I may not always tell her things I should, but I don't try to disguise how poorly I'm doing. I used to; but I really can't any more.
It's also strange to me that I can be all over the place - one moment I'm feeling like there's no way to come out of what I'm going through now, and the next minute i'm totally absorbed with something at work, or I'm busily making plans with one of my kids or with my husband. I'll just forget for awhile that I'm a total failure and that I'm supposed to kill myself.
I've been down this road enough to be able to tell myself, usually convincingly enough, that feeling suicidal is temporal, so I am trying to hold onto that mantra.
And talking to you guys, always helps.
Mair
Posted by mair on September 22, 2004, at 21:56:34
In reply to Re: and then again... » mair, posted by Dinah on September 22, 2004, at 19:25:07
and it is one helluva ride, isn't it? You and I really need to get together sometime so we can bitch and moan about our mutually miserable work situations.
I really do hope things calm down for you also. (isn't this supposed to be your quiet season?)
Mair
Posted by mair on September 23, 2004, at 7:37:17
In reply to Re: and then again... » mair, posted by gardenergirl on September 22, 2004, at 18:03:30
GG
I must be more out of it than I appreciate, because I posted something to you last night which didn't seem to make it, and this thread was never supposed to be a separate thread at all but a continuation of the thread I started above.
You help alot by responding to the posts of those who are hurting and of course the hugs are a plus.
I always have trouble with the details. I had one T years ago tell me that my responses to his questions were clear, but incomplete. In this instance, I just think the layers and layers would bore this group to tears.
Posted by gardenergirl on September 23, 2004, at 17:26:12
In reply to Re: and then again... » gardenergirl, posted by mair on September 23, 2004, at 7:37:17
's okay, sweetie.
How are you doing today?
gg
Posted by daisym on September 23, 2004, at 18:12:49
In reply to and then again..., posted by mair on September 22, 2004, at 16:22:17
I want to add my voice to the others that it is OK to be unstable here. It sounds like a really difficult situation and mood swings don't help at all. I can relate to what you said about going from one thing and into the next so quickly. I make myself dizzy sometimes.
I'm sorry that your situation at works makes you feel worthless or undervalued. That is just awful. No one should be treated in such away that they are made to feel second best. And compensation is sometimes a concrete reflection of how think we are perceived. There is nothing shallow about it. It is an age old struggle for women and teachers.
You are valued, you are worth it. Hang in there, you will get through this.
Posted by mair on September 23, 2004, at 21:34:32
In reply to Re: and then again... » mair, posted by gardenergirl on September 23, 2004, at 17:26:12
Thanks for asking.
I think I'm doing better. The suicide stuff just comes and goes in waves, interspersed with times when I'm totally and constructively absorbed in other things.
I had a more open session with my therapist today. She's being very supportive and she said some things that made me feel that she "gets" what's going on, which is reassuring of course.
i'm a little concerned about the weekend. My husband is Jewish and will be in services on Friday night and for a chunk of Saturday. Ordinarily I would really welcome the opportunity to have time which wasn't otherwise spoken for, but i don't want to sit around and ruminate either.
On the other hand Richie Havens is singing at a benefit concert here Saturday night. Probably most people here are too young maybe to be real fans, but i always loved his stuff. Have you noticed how old singers never stop performing? I'm sure about half the people who sang at Woodstock are still giving concerts.
Thanks again
Mair
Posted by mair on September 23, 2004, at 21:44:04
In reply to Re: and then again... » mair, posted by daisym on September 23, 2004, at 18:12:49
Hi Daisy
Thank you - you're right about the workplace stuff. And what's happened to me I think is that I've internalized one person's negative opinion and found a way to validate it with tons of other data - so now it's not just how he feels but it must be how every one feels. I couldn't at all explain to my Therapist why he should have so much power over me.
On a nicer note, I just spent almost an hour on the phone with my now-sophmore son. It seems that I miss him so much more this fall than I did when he went away for his freshman year. He's so earnest now and filled with angst about teachers and courses and figuring out about studying abroad next year, but even though I see and talk to him so much less than when he was in high school, i now get so much more graciously-offered information. Is your son still at Berkeley?
Mair
Posted by gardenergirl on September 23, 2004, at 21:51:15
In reply to Re: and then again... » gardenergirl, posted by mair on September 23, 2004, at 21:34:32
Yep, look at Dylan keep going. :-) (naively...at least I think he was there?)
Glad you had a good session. If you go to the concert, have a great time. Music is always very good for my mood. I seem to forget that when I am depressed though. Maybe should post it somewhere on a sticky...
Take care,
gg
Posted by shortelise on September 24, 2004, at 15:14:42
In reply to and then again..., posted by mair on September 22, 2004, at 16:22:17
Mair,
sometimes I am shallow and self-centered. I just am. And sometimes it feels ok to be that way. I am not perfect and I have my moments of terrible behaviour, and childish feelings.
Part of me is a child and always will be.
I am human. The I who is me is a sum of the parts.
ShortE
Posted by mair on September 24, 2004, at 22:47:55
In reply to Re: and then again..., posted by shortelise on September 24, 2004, at 15:14:42
I floated the "i'm shallow" proposition to my therapist and she wasn't buying it, but she was saying alot of things like "you are human" and "why do you think your mistakes are worse than anyone else's." She also reminded me that there have been times when I've been displeased with her (frankly i can think of precious few) and how would it be if i imagined her judging herself as harshly as I tend to judge myself.
None of this is rocket science, but sometimes she'll tell me what she's hearing me say, and it sounds pretty extreme or at least something I know I shouldn't believe in concept. I guess that means that I can't always really hear what I'm saying at all, and that when my thinking is distorted, I don't at all recognize the distortions.
I like the "sum of my parts" concept. maybe I can get somewhere with that.
Mair
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