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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by mair on September 21, 2004, at 17:45:27
I have a pretty awful situation where I work - something my therapist and I have been speaking about for awhile. It got worse and in my mind more complicated over the weekend and I've been really depressed since then. No one else would probably appreciate the effect this problem has on my mental health, other than my therapist, and only her because it's been such a focus of our sessions lately. But she's suddenly become very proactive, insisting to me that this has to be addressed quickly and trying to get me to bring my husband in to the next session so he can help fashion an approach to dealing with this (he's not the problem, but he does work in the same place), and she made a big deal about encouraging me to call her at any time between now and the next session - she's pretty much never done that.
I know she's trying to help but I get panicked when I think about drawing my husband into this - he's under too much stress as it is that the thought of involving him makes me feel like I'm pulling him down. It's very hard for me to see past the logic that my death and the pretty sizeable death benefits on my life insurance policy would go a huge distance in simplifying his life. So I think about that and it seems to make so much sense but I get choked up thinking about missing my children.
And believe me - no one else would understand why I can't deal with all this so much better. My T obviously takes this very seriously and it's mortifying to me that I'm not more resilient or more capable of advocating for myself. How could I be such a basket case?
I really don't know what to do.
Posted by DaisyM on September 21, 2004, at 19:34:40
In reply to I wonder if she made it worse, posted by mair on September 21, 2004, at 17:45:27
I feel so bad for you. I think I understand how painful a work situation can be. I am a fairly straight forward person with pretty good diplomacy skills. But there is one woman at my office who makes my life hell. I can't stand up to her and she puts me down both privately and publicly. Plus, she never does much work her self and everyone complains about her. The kicker? I'm her boss.
Sometimes situations we "should" be able to deal with are very hard for very private reasons, or even unconscience ones. We've worked on my issues with this woman in therapy on and off for more than 6 months. She reminds me of my mother is so many ways, so I now know that is part of it. I haven't figured out the rest. I work hard to avoid her. So I think your therapist is probably doing what mine does when he sees how down I get about the situation. He encourages problem solving and he is very supportive. Once he even offered to call the front desk and make up some story so she would have to leave the office and leave me alone.
Don't push yourself to do what you are uncomfortable doing. Your husband probably would like to help you, but you know best.
And hang in there for those kids. No job is worth more than their mother. Really.
Posted by Dinah on September 21, 2004, at 21:56:09
In reply to I wonder if she made it worse, posted by mair on September 21, 2004, at 17:45:27
Awww, Mair. I'm sorry. :(
Money isn't enough to simplify anyone's life in the face of kids losing their mom, and the horror and guilt that a sudden death brings. But I know you know that. Money's nice, but in the end, it's just money. The thought can be a seductive escape fantasy though, can't it?
Sounds like she's being way more problem solving than most therapists are usually. If that's really bothering you (and I can see the good and bad sides of it), you can always tell her that she's pushing too hard. My therapist seldom does that, but I do know that it makes me feel worse when people urge me to do something I know is really good, but I'm just not ready to do it.
There's no reason to be mortified. Sometimes there are pretty good reasons to do nothing, and they aren't always given proper weight. Whenever I find myself stuck on doing something, I try to give proper respect and weight to the reasons I'm not doing it, just as I do to the reasons I think I should do it. Sometimes it's illuminating.
Don't forget to take deep breaths, and do whatever you do to relax. (Baths for me.) And if you need to vent, you know where to find me.
Dinah
Posted by fayeroe on September 21, 2004, at 22:10:56
In reply to I wonder if she made it worse, posted by mair on September 21, 2004, at 17:45:27
Mair, your job isn't worth your life.....money isn't worth it either. you're a good person. your children and husband need you. we need you. i always read your posts. you've helped me. pat
Posted by shortelise on September 21, 2004, at 23:16:22
In reply to I wonder if she made it worse, posted by mair on September 21, 2004, at 17:45:27
Mair, I am a firm believer in telling my T all of it. If I were having the doubts you are having, I would tell her. It's hard to do - for me mainly because I think uh-oh this will be the time he gets really furious with me. But he never does.
Could you tell her what you wrote here? She obviously is not understanding something, and you communicated so well your unease with the situation - if you can tell us, can you tell her?
ShortE
Posted by Aphrodite on September 22, 2004, at 8:11:44
In reply to I wonder if she made it worse, posted by mair on September 21, 2004, at 17:45:27
Since we spend so many of our waking at hours at work, it is only natural that a toxic co-worker can have huge effects on us. Let your T do all she can to help you find a creative solution. I know I get sucked into suicidal ideation when I just can't see my way out of a particular situation. Your post hit home because I just received my insurance renewal papers at work and I too thought about the gift of money in death that I couldn't give in life and thought it would be a win-win situation. But then I have to remind myself no amount of money can replace the unconditional love of a mother.
There are always other jobs, but this is your only life and your kids only have one you. Please take care of yourself.
Posted by gardenergirl on September 22, 2004, at 11:43:17
In reply to Re: I wonder if she made it worse » mair, posted by Aphrodite on September 22, 2004, at 8:11:44
Mair,
I'm sorry that she stirred things up rather than helped you feel better about things. My guess is she's really concerned. I was a bit concerned when I read your post, too. I've worked around toxic co-workers, but this one sound like she takes the prize. I'm so sorry you have to cope with that. Perhaps it feels like you have few choices? I know I did at one critical time in my life. I wish I would have spoken to my hubby or someone else who could have made me see that there were more options out there that were okay to choose. Because I chose wrong.I'm glad you have your family and your T to help you with this. Please accept they're help, while continuing to be true to yourself. (Easier said than done, she says...)
Be well,
gg
Posted by mair on September 22, 2004, at 13:33:43
In reply to Re: I wonder if she made it worse » mair, posted by Aphrodite on September 22, 2004, at 8:11:44
You're right - I absolutely do think of it as a gift to my husband. Right now I don't feel like I give him anything positive, other than all the household stuff he could then pay someone else to do significantly better than I do it. He has so little flexibility in his life - the $$ would open up lots of choices he just can't make now.
And the work stuff really is complicated by the fact that he works with me. I know I haven't provided alot of detail but the issue here is the very unfair way I'm compensated, an issue, which my T observed, has been building up for years. That it has become such a front burner issue is all my doing - I can't continue under the current system - I just can't suppress (or subjugate) all the stuff I could before. My T only attaches alot of importance to it because she knows I do, and because she knows that it triggers an awful lot of feelings about my own worth (really lack of worth). Things on this front look so much worse now because I recently found out secondhanded what the stance is of one of my colleagues, and for now, I'm buying into his dim view of me. My husband is on my side as far as the compensation issue goes, but he has no sense of how it's intertwined with my mental health. And I don't want him to know because I don't want that (my mental health) to dictate any decisions he might make. I'm fearful that if he gets drawn into this, that's precisely what will happen.
So I'm in this awful place where I don't feel at all up to addressing this issue with my colleagues, but I also can't continue.
I don't know where my kids fit into this. I miss them when I even think for a second about not being around, and I know they need me, or at least that they certainly need me not to do this to them. But I'm also feeling crushed by the weight of believing that I continually disappoint people, and continually fail to give them what they need. I just really feel now like I've let my family down.
Thanks so much for everyone's kind responses. It's helped to try to articulate this. I have a great deal of difficulty filling in details - there are a lot more permutations to this than I've written here - my T knows this about me too so it's always tough for her to really figure out what's going on. She has to guess alot about what I'm not telling her. I certainly haven't told her about the suicidal thinking, but I know she's inferred it anyway. I'm not an impulsive person so I'm not unsafe right now.
Thanks again. You guys are the greatest.
Posted by mair on September 22, 2004, at 16:20:57
In reply to Aphrodite and others, posted by mair on September 22, 2004, at 13:33:43
I've been thinking about my post and I'm horrified by how shallow it sounds to me. It sounds like I'd consider killing myself just because I wasn't properly paid or regarded by my colleagues.
I'm leaving out alot; it's really more multi-layered than that - I just hope I didn't offend anyone with my prior explanation.
Posted by antigua on September 23, 2004, at 8:15:09
In reply to Please ignore prior post, posted by mair on September 22, 2004, at 16:20:57
Please don't worry about it. You said what you needed to say.
I understand what you mean about your children. A very good friend told me once that if I gave in my children would grow up thinking it was their fault. That's what stops me; I wouldn't want to inflict that on them.
Good luck, and please keep posting.
antigua
Posted by mair on September 24, 2004, at 22:53:08
In reply to Re: Please ignore prior post » mair, posted by antigua on September 23, 2004, at 8:15:09
> " A very good friend told me once that if I gave in my children would grow up thinking it was their fault. That's what stops me;"
I've never been able to convince myself that my children would be better off without me and I know that my choosing to kill myself would leave an indelible mark. I'm sure reminding myself of this has kept me alive on more than one occasion. It's the possibility of an impulsive action that scares me.
Mair
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