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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by fallsfall on August 13, 2004, at 12:04:59
Things have been really hard for me lately. And my therapist went on vacation for two weeks. I haven't posted much (and some of the posts I have done seemed, to me, to lack the tact that I try to put into my posts). But Babblers have been supporting me on the side, and for that I am so, eternally, grateful.
I've been having a lot of trouble with my 16 year old daughter. I finally got her into therapy, but the therapist wants to see us together - not her alone. She doesn't want to do that either...
Anyway, today's session with my therapist helped me come to the realization that I have a generic issue (*needing* to be understood in a particular way), but that the issue with my daughter is separate and needs a different solution. Basically, I can't *need* her to understand me in the same way that I *need* my therapist/parents/friends to understand me because I am the parent and she is the child. Our relationship is fundamentally different from my relationship with other people. I can't have (and don't want to have) the same expectations of her that I have of others.
So today, I can see that I have a general issue that we will deal with in therapy, and I have a second issue which is that I need to effectively parent my daughter. Separating them makes each feel so much more managable. Not that either will be easy...
I drove to my session this morning, and that seemed OK. I haven't been driving - stress had made my driving unsafe - I wasn't aware enough of things around me. I felt like I was driving like an 85 year old. But that seems better now. I won't drive when I don't HAVE to, but now I can do things like drive to therapy, take my daughter places (except she got her driver's licence yesterday!!! So now I only have to be her taxi when I'm not willing to let her use my car!), etc.
The world looks a little better today.
Posted by Dinah on August 13, 2004, at 13:36:57
In reply to Progress, posted by fallsfall on August 13, 2004, at 12:04:59
That does sound like progress. :) Good for you!
I think it's terrific that you're able to realize that about your daughter. Our relationship with our kids is different from any other, and they don't really need to understand us, other than that we love them and will be there for them.
Does your therapist think needing to be understood is an issue that you need to work on? I thought it was one of the basic human needs.
Posted by tabitha on August 13, 2004, at 14:05:15
In reply to Progress, posted by fallsfall on August 13, 2004, at 12:04:59
it must be hard to have a teenager. They're almost programmed to think badly of their parents at that age, right? It would be tough to take.
Posted by fallsfall on August 13, 2004, at 16:49:09
In reply to Re: Progress » fallsfall, posted by Dinah on August 13, 2004, at 13:36:57
It is the particular way that I need to be understood that gets me into trouble. And the degree to which I am compelled to keep explaining. And the agony I feel when I'm not understood. And how being not understood makes me feel "bad" (evil).
Posted by fallsfall on August 13, 2004, at 16:51:14
In reply to Re: Progress, posted by tabitha on August 13, 2004, at 14:05:15
Yes, they are programmed to rebel - that makes it easier for them to separate when it is time. When your self esteem is a bit shaky the teen years can feel more like a continuous earthquake...
Posted by mair on August 13, 2004, at 17:11:20
In reply to Re: Progress » tabitha, posted by fallsfall on August 13, 2004, at 16:51:14
My daughter got her license a couple of weeks ago - I found myself routing for her if for no other reason, than that she was insufferable without it.
When I'm otherwise feeling a little vulnerable (all of the time lately), it's easy for my kids to make me feel like I'm doing nothing right. I think it's important, but difficult, to see your issues and their issues with you, as being separate, so every little thing that happens with them, doesn't impact your own self esteem.
My 16 year old daughter is alternately, companionable and appreciative, and seemingly the most selfish human being I know. It's tough not to feel like we're on the same seesaw.
Mair
Posted by daisym on August 14, 2004, at 1:06:00
In reply to Progress, posted by fallsfall on August 13, 2004, at 12:04:59
I'm glad you found this distinction that makes things easier. I think the hardest part of parenting is not being your child's friend. They don't have to like what you do, or understand. But they do have to be respectful and follow the rules. I have a 16 yr old who says, "I don't understand!" I answer -- "no, you just don't agree."
It is important to be understood, especially in your thought processes. Especially by your therapist. But not being understood doesn't make you evil or bad. It is highly frustrating though. Some people are more invested in their conclusions or answers, others in how the pieces come together to form the puzzle. Those people usually will agree that another possible picture could have been put together from the same puzzle pieces. Folks who are only interested in the "correct" answer, can only see that someone is wrong and someone is right. This makes us try harder and harder to show how we reached the conclusion we have. Ultimately, it becomes vitally important because we don't want our thinking dismissed, even if our conclusion is.
I'm glad you are driving safely and carefully. Please continue to do so. Congrats to the new driver. There is relief in that. Often you will see improved mood now that this really important milestone is past. Like a child who is frustrated learning to walk, once they are mobile, you see such a change!
Hang in there. You are a good mom and she is lucky to have you.
Posted by fallsfall on August 14, 2004, at 7:39:54
In reply to Teenage daughters » fallsfall, posted by mair on August 13, 2004, at 17:11:20
Thanks, Mair. I read your post and nodded my head at each paragraph, saying to myself "Gee, Mair is going through exactly the same thing I am right now".
Funny, when I was in Jr. High, I loved seesaws. On one Girl Scout overnight another girl and I (I don't remember her name...) spent probably 8 hours on the seesaw next to where we were camping. I'll remind my daughter that she is supposed to be "companionable and appreciative" once in a while... She did offer to drive me to therapy on Friday (leaving the house at 8:30AM - an unheard of time in her teenage life). That should count for "companionable and appreciative" time, shouldn't it?
Posted by fallsfall on August 14, 2004, at 7:56:37
In reply to Re: Progress, posted by daisym on August 14, 2004, at 1:06:00
> I'm glad you found this distinction that makes things easier. I think the hardest part of parenting is not being your child's friend. They don't have to like what you do, or understand. But they do have to be respectful and follow the rules. I have a 16 yr old who says, "I don't understand!" I answer -- "no, you just don't agree."
>
But then she says "No, you don't understand". She and I could both enter the Olympics for Stubbornness. I'm not quite sure who would get the gold. I need to then walk away (AND NOT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HER BEING UNHAPPY), rather than continuing to try to get her to "understand".> It is important to be understood, especially in your thought processes. Especially by your therapist. But not being understood doesn't make you evil or bad.
Still working on this... But, but, but, if I was good (right) then they WOULD understand...???
>It is highly frustrating though. Some people are more invested in their conclusions or answers, others in how the pieces come together to form the puzzle.
I think I'm highly invested in BOTH. My conclusions are vital, but if I can't convince someone of my conclusions, then at least I should be able to convince them that my thought process is valid.
>Those people usually will agree that another possible picture could have been put together from the same puzzle pieces. Folks who are only interested in the "correct" answer, can only see that someone is wrong and someone is right. This makes us try harder and harder to show how we reached the conclusion we have. Ultimately, it becomes vitally important because we don't want our thinking dismissed, even if our conclusion is.
Thank you, Daisy. This is exactly the problem I face.
>
> I'm glad you are driving safely and carefully. Please continue to do so. Congrats to the new driver. There is relief in that. Often you will see improved mood now that this really important milestone is past. Like a child who is frustrated learning to walk, once they are mobile, you see such a change!Mair suggested the same thing above. I hadn't thought about it that way. That does make lots of sense.
>
> Hang in there. You are a good mom and she is lucky to have you.She doesn't think so, and I don't think so. But since YOU think so I'll try to "consider the possibility" that I might be a good mom. Interestingly, in my days of lowest selfesteem I thought I was a "good friend" and an "acceptable mom" and everything else in me was worthless. My stock (The Fallsfall Esteem Average) is up since then, but my MOM stock is hitting rock bottom...
Thank you, Daisy.
Posted by Aphrodite on August 14, 2004, at 14:38:00
In reply to Progress, posted by fallsfall on August 13, 2004, at 12:04:59
Glad to hear it!
I'm also glad to know there are good parents out there who realize that 16 year olds still need parenting and guidance. She's lucky to have you.
Posted by ghost on August 15, 2004, at 20:56:21
In reply to Progress, posted by fallsfall on August 13, 2004, at 12:04:59
*hugs*
it's nice to hear this news.
take good care,
ghost
Posted by deirdrehbrt on August 15, 2004, at 20:57:54
In reply to Progress, posted by fallsfall on August 13, 2004, at 12:04:59
Dear Falls,
I'm so happy for you. It seems like things are looking up at least a bit. It's nice to find some understanding of your issues, and separation between them.
You mentiooned that your daughter thinks that you aren't a good mom though. I think that perhaps she does, but she doesn't want to admit it. If she admitted that you were a good mom, then she would weaken her position in an argument. Personally, I think she looks up to her brother and her sister, and THEY KNOW that you are a good mom. I'm betting that there is some communication going on between the siblings. Also, I have NEVER heard one negative comment about you as a person from your daughter, and even some unpopular decisions do make sense to her when she thinks about them.
Your daughter is really lucky to have you, and despite disagreements, I truly believe that she knows it.
'hoping that tomorrow goes well,Dee.
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