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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Elle2021 on March 3, 2004, at 23:59:37
Rod: Okay, if you didn't read my above post to you, then read it first.
I'm sure this will sound quite trivial...
Tonight I went somewhere with my mum and sister. I would rather not say exactly where, but it was the type of place where one must mind her manners and not lose her temper. Anyway, this older man that I know quite well and speak to very often approached me and gave a few tugs to my purse. I have told him on numerous occasions that touching my purse is off limits. It is one of my major pet peeves. Mostly because my "psychiatric" medication is in it and I'm always paranoid that it will fall out and everyone will *know*. Anyway, tonight I was/am particularly in a tired mood. He tugged my purse. I turned around and somewhat jokingly said, "You are so irritating." I of course was half-way joking. He then began to act (I say act because I know he was putting on) as if he were offended or hurt. I clarified that I was just kidding, but he would not drop it. This person teases me all the time. Because of things that happened to me when I was growing up, I HATE to be teased in any way. It upsets me greatly. I'm already overly sensitive as it is. Then to make matters worse when I tried to defend myself, my mother took his side and gave me a slap on the arm that I am sure she did not mean to hurt, but it did. Neither my sister nor my mother stuck up for me. My mother is always so preoccupied with keeping up appearances and pretenses that she just let this guy walk all over me. I realize of course that I could have said something, and I tried, really I did. BUT, it was to no avail. I will have to return to this place again, and it is a for sure fact that I will encounter this person again. What should I do? I have told him before I do not take well to teasing, but he disregards my feelings. Is there a tactful but extremely firm and explicit way to handle this? :(
Elle
Posted by DaisyM on March 4, 2004, at 14:28:53
In reply to Rod...and anyone else, posted by Elle2021 on March 3, 2004, at 23:59:37
Elle,
Two pieces of advice. Leave you purse in the car unless you must keep it with you. If you need one, then get one that zips closed and put your meds in a small zipper pouch, closed, inside the zipped closed purse. Then choose a purse that has a long strap that you can wear crossed over your chest. This leaves your hands free too.this does not address the personal boundary issue but may help relieve some anxiety. As to the person who teases you, a cold "hello" with no follow up is best way to not communicate. Any attempt on his part to ellicit a response can be met with a cold stare, or small noncommittal noises. Walk away if you can. Remember, "excuse me please" does not require explanation, you simple walk away.
These situations are hard because there are expectations that you will be a "good sport" and let it roll off.
Posted by Elle2021 on March 4, 2004, at 15:19:52
In reply to Re: Rod...and anyone else » Elle2021, posted by DaisyM on March 4, 2004, at 14:28:53
> Two pieces of advice. Leave you purse in the car unless you must keep it with you.
I guess I could leave it in the car. I have a chapstick addiction so I'd have to wear pants with pockets...hmm.
Then choose a purse that has a long strap that you can wear crossed over your chest. This leaves your hands free too.
The purse I carry now has a long strap. Before he has actually had the audacity to reach into my purse and take out my car keys. Mind you, that this man is in his mid to late 50's. He should know better.
> a cold "hello" with no follow up is best way to not communicate.
I've gone that route before with him. It did elicit an apology from him, but the behavior was only temporarily haulted...
> These situations are hard because there are expectations that you will be a "good sport" and let it roll off.
I have been a "good sport" all my life, I'm sick to death of it. :(
Elle
Posted by gardenergirl on March 4, 2004, at 15:27:53
In reply to Re: Rod...and anyone else » DaisyM, posted by Elle2021 on March 4, 2004, at 15:19:52
What the heck is he getting into your purse for? Sounds like the actions of a two year old, not a 50 year old.
He also sounds like that icky boy in grade school who thought that the way to get the girl was to pull her hair or tease. I think I would tell him that. "I assume you are no longer 8, and really, trying to get the girl by pulling her hair, teasing, or otherwise harrassing her never really worked, did it?" ...and then I think if I were in a certain mood, I would kick him in the *alls. Or at least I would really like to. But that's my aggressive side coming out of hiding. I never act on it, but I sure like to daydream that I do. ;-o
Perhaps make the statement and then walk away, mentally cheering yourself (or mentally kicking).
gg
Posted by Elle2021 on March 4, 2004, at 15:41:50
In reply to Re: Rod...and anyone else, posted by gardenergirl on March 4, 2004, at 15:27:53
> He also sounds like that icky boy in grade school who thought that the way to get the girl was to pull her hair or tease.
Yes, that is the feeling I get too. Terrible thing is, is that this guy does this right in front of his wife. She looks uncomfortable and I'm sure she realizes I don't appreciate his actions... Thanks for the comeback, it's awesome!! :)
Elle
Posted by Dinah on March 4, 2004, at 16:10:41
In reply to Rod...and anyone else, posted by Elle2021 on March 3, 2004, at 23:59:37
A former coworker had a very effective way to deal with unwanted touching if you can pull it off effectively (I never could). She jumped a mile in the air and shouted EEEEK, then said that he had startled her.
Posted by 64Bowtie on March 5, 2004, at 15:57:46
In reply to Re: Rod...and anyone else » Elle2021, posted by Dinah on March 4, 2004, at 16:10:41
>>> A former coworker had a very effective way to deal with unwanted touching if you can pull it off effectively (I never could). She jumped a mile in the air and shouted EEEEK, then said that he had startled her.
<<< Neat! Carol Burnet scared a would-be mugger into the "next century" with that technique. It was in the 70's and she was walking alone on the streets of Manhattan at night. She didn't get a scratch on her and lived to tell the story on her weekly show.
Note: many analyst types label teasing as veiled-anger. Elle can tell him that she can't be around him any more if he's gonna continue to take his hidden-anger out on her. If he puts up a fuss, she can tell him that he is 50 years old. He has grown up skills he's wasting on teenage locker-room humor. Gardengirl is right. He's acting like a two yearold. Just some observations, no real advise.
Rod
Posted by 64Bowtie on March 5, 2004, at 16:37:28
In reply to Rod...and anyone else, posted by Elle2021 on March 3, 2004, at 23:59:37
(((Elle))),
It's chemically impossible for you to make him feel bad. He may protest and say you did, but point out to him that there are no wires from your hand to his brain. He must decide to feel bad. When you have the specter of obligation hanging over you, it seems simpler to apologise. But, you are apologising for how he feels. Is that wise? Read my response to Dinah. Tell him to keep it to himself or you can't and won't talk to him till he does. You are tough enough to withstand a tongue lashing. (Knives and bullets are another thing....)
Rod
Posted by Fallen4myT on March 5, 2004, at 17:45:54
In reply to Rod...and anyone else, posted by Elle2021 on March 3, 2004, at 23:59:37
I think this guy was way out of line and had no right to touch ANYTHING you own or you. You have told him you do not like to be teased. He is the one who is wong here not you and your mom is wrong to expect you to put up with this idiot JMO
Posted by Elle2021 on March 6, 2004, at 2:54:33
In reply to Re: Rod...and anyone else, posted by Fallen4myT on March 5, 2004, at 17:45:54
I just want to thank everyone for their advice. I always thought it was just a common, well-known etiquette rule not to get into a lady's purse. In fact, I was taught not to get into anyone's personal belongings without first asking for permission. I guess not everyone learned that. Again, thank you for the advice.
Elle
Posted by fayeroe on March 6, 2004, at 20:03:44
In reply to Thanks for responding you guys!, posted by Elle2021 on March 6, 2004, at 2:54:33
Elle, a suggestion.....when someone asks me a personal question that I don't want to answer, I say "why are you asking?" You could say to him "why are you touching/getting into my purse?" Put it back on him. You are NOT responsible for how looking foolish will cause him to feel.....AND if he comes back with some inane explanation say "you could be right" and walk away. Leaving him to figure out if you agreed or put him down. A priest told me that years ago when my then mother-in-law didn't observe my boundaries about anything, anywhere, anyhow! It works! I've used it for about 40 years. Good luck with the witless fool!
This is the end of the thread.
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