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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 3 of 3. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Spriggy on February 24, 2005, at 15:27:17
I felt I should share this here because most of us on this board are in the same boat... depression, anxiety, full of questions and doubts, etc..
I know my faith has been tested immensely through this recent journey God has allowed me to travel. This is just a bit of what I wanted to share:
I just went through the most interesting (and horrific and at the same time educational) 5 days of my life.First of all, I just had every medical test performed on me known to mankind. MRI (yeah, you THINK you're not closterphobic until you get put into that tiny tunnel and can't move), CAT skan, EKG, blood work for every disease under the sun, X rays, etc..
Then finally, after being admitted into the hospital in Olympia for 4 days, I was officially "diagnosed" with what the medical world calls " akathasia." Even as a Christian, I completely believe the term "akathasia" should be changed into "utter complete hell on earth" but I guess that would look funny in the medical journal.
I have spent about 2 months knowing SOMETHING was terribly wrong with me. I had no idea "what" this was. Depression? Yes.. most definitely.. but I knew it was something much more than that. My brain felt like it had "malfunctioned" and in fact, it basically did. The doctor described to me as my central nervous system failing me (thanks a lot central nervous system, what did I ever do to you?).
I apparently am overly sensitive to medication. You can give the normal person a medicine that barely touches their system and yet give it to me, and I am bouncing off the walls, curled up in a ball on the floor thinking of ways to kill myself. Yeah.. fun stuff.
I'm still not "over this" but I am now on the proper medication to treat it to get my system back in order.
While I was in the hospital, I was admitted into the psych unit. Until we knew "what" was wrong, all I could tell the doctors was that I was for sure going "insane." So I suppose when they hear "insane" they automatically believe you and stick in you in the proper unit with other's who are "insane."
I met some interesting people during my hospital stay. Some very wonderful people who I will pray for the rest of my life no doubt. I met some people who were just generally depressed and hopeless.. A few who had attempted suicide and didn't succeed. I met a few who for whatever reason, had a brain malfunction permenately and their reality and "ours" were totally different.
I met one good friend, Ricardio, who informed me on my second day that I had been married to him once before back when we were "time travelers." I, of course, didn't recall our marriage (or our time traveling) but from what he expressed, it was a great journey we had together.
I later shared Jesus with him. Ricardio accepted Jesus but shortly after remembered that he actually had traveled back in time already and met Jesus and was friends with him. Apparently, he even is the one that filmed the crucifixion that we all watch during Easter.
Another friend became interested in me because I was a pastor's wife and yet found myself in the same place of despair as the rest of them. Trying to explain how I still had hope (even though I felt hopeless) became even a challenge for me. By the time I left, I *think* I convinced her that writing letters to Charles Manson was not a good idea but instead, she could journal and write letters to God. She said she would try it.
I was able to pray with and pray for many of those people who felt as I did and I have.. You almost instantly connect with someone (no matter race, religion, age, etc..) that has experienced this "pit." Many times as I sat in group and listened to them share their hearts, I could only cry silently because I understood full well the depths of their pain.
When I walked out of that place, I couldn't help but ache and weep. This journey for me is likely a temporary "blip" in my span of life. Yet for many of those people, they live continually in this pit.. going from hospital to hospital.. medication to medication.. never really finding answers or relief as to why their brains function the way they do.
They become the "outcasts"of society. The "forgotten" people who are simply locked away behind walls and in buildings so the rest of us never have to come face to face with such uncomfortable despair.
We go on with our lives' like they aren't there.
Even as I type this, I think of those 13 people who are still sitting in those same chairs, taking the same medications, eating the same meals (if you call that stuff "food"). I can see each of their faces, each of their tears, I can hear each of their stories, and all I know to do is cry out to God for some type of peace and comfort for their wandering minds.
I left there telling each one of them that they had touched my life in only four days. That they were indeed special, they were not a "mistake", but that despite the pain they live with, God looks down on them with as much love, grace, and compassion as He does the rest of the world.
I have learned so much from my experience. I am still learning. In my own life, I have put such an emphasis on "productivity" and how that makes one who they are. Then I became a person who has not been "productive." Many days lately, just getting out of bed was a task accomplished.
Then I found myself locked behind walls with other's who live their lives just trying to understand their thoughts or put their sock on the right foot. They would be considered "unproductive" and yet our God tells us that those people are just as precious to Him. That their lives have just as much meaning. That He knows the very number of hairs on their heads as well.
I don't know what to do with all my thoughts about this. Maybe one day, when I'm back to being me (albeit a forever changed ME) I can grasp all that God has wanted to teach me through this.
I know my perceptions on life and people have been so distorted-- even through the church. The people who give the most, serve the most, have it the most "together", are the people close to God's heart.
Maybe I had it all wrong. Maybe it's the people behind those walls, who can't be seen by society, who can't figure out what day it is, or how to use their fork, or how to breathe just one more day in their misery.. Maybe they are the ones who are the closest to God's heart. His word says He is near to the broken hearted and He hears the cries of the oppressed.
Maybe for me to be "productive" in God's kingdom, I needed to KNOW how valuable you are to God when you are unproductive.
I'm still learning. I'm still trying to find my own way (with God's help) through my own pit but until the day I see Him, I will forever think of those special, beautiful people that He gave me the honor to know.
Posted by rayww on February 25, 2005, at 19:00:52
In reply to my recent journey of faith, posted by Spriggy on February 24, 2005, at 15:27:17
That was a wonderful expression of your faith. We all struggle to find our way. Sometimes it takes a lot of effort. And faith. I felt a wonderful spirit when I read of your journey. It appears the light is on.
Posted by Simus on February 27, 2005, at 23:30:16
In reply to my recent journey of faith, posted by Spriggy on February 24, 2005, at 15:27:17
Spriggy,
That was absolutely beautiful, touching and thought-provoking. Thank you for sharing your experience.
This is the end of the thread.
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