Psycho-Babble Medication Thread 1117970

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Re: Chronic Terminal Depression » alchemy

Posted by SLS on December 31, 2021, at 17:24:34

In reply to Chronic Terminal Depression, posted by alchemy on December 30, 2021, at 21:35:28

Hi, Alchemy.

I am listening.

I am not going to try to fix you.

Well, I guess I just changed my mind.

My depressive illness had been one of the worst the NIH had seen so far in 1992.

Yours sounds worse.

I have been suffering for 44 years - 17 years old to 61 years old. However, it seems that I won't have a 45th year. I am currently responding very well to:

Nardil 90 mg/day
nortriptyline - 100 mg/day
Lamictal - 300 mg/day
lithium - 300 mg/day


When it comes to using one drug at a time (monotherapy), the choices are rather limited. However, there are hundreds of ways to combine them (polypharmacy). But how do you choose from a mind-boggling number of permutations? Then, when you consider all of the the possible dosages to get right, it is no wonder it takes decades for some people to find the right keys to open the door to their locked cage and then begin to search for themselves.


1. Make a list of all the drugs that produced even the slightest of improvements regardless of how short that improvement lasted.

2. Make a list of all of the drugs that produced an exacerbation (a worsening) of your depressive state.

3. Make a list of all of the drugs that were neutral.


Ultimately, this is how I found the combination of drugs that worked for me. Keep in mind that finding the right drugs treatment includes finding the right dosage of each of those drugs in combination. For instance, in 2009, I had taken the exact same drugs that I am taking now. Ultimately, that trial ended in an unacceptable degree of improvement. This is what I took to reach that treatment failure:

Nardil 75 mg/day
nortriptyline 150 mg/day
Lamictal 200 mg/day
lithium 300 mg/day

Compare dosages. Those seemingly unimportant differences is the difference between continuing to live chained to the bottom of a murky ocean versus frolicking in the sunshine with everyone else on the beach at the water's edge. Unlimited effortless breathing.

Perhaps knowing that the beach is awaiting your arrival to join the others will help you to find a reason to suffer for one more day. You should consider your efforts to last this long as nothing short of heroic. Your condition in horrendous.

If you were fortunate enough to have had even 3 consecutive days of remission, witnessing your core self emerge from the unspeakable darkness is your carrot. Hold on tight to the memories of those days. Thoughts. Feelings. Competency. Success. Joy. Learning. Communing with the rest of humanity.

Having that which had been an exhausting struggle become the easiest of tasks.

I was once told that suicide is a permanent solution of a temporary problem.

Clever.

This is not at all relatable to me. How can anyone reliably forecast that your situation is only temporary, and that your pain and struggle will come to an end before you do? How dare anyone be so presumptuous as to think they know the mind of God. However, forgive these people. Their unrealistic, but well-meaning Pollyanna display is an attempt to lift you up, not knock you down. Be tolerant of their attempts to save you. Understand and forgive their ignorance.

My doctor at the NIH offered me an observation about depression that was extraordinarily insightful for someone who hadn't been a victim. Hes said that there is a timelessness about depression. When you are in the middle of it, there was no beginning and there shall be no end. Try to consider this phenomenon when weighing the reliability of your thoughts and feelings.

I hope that I conveyed to you my acknowledgement of your pain and endless struggle, along with my respect and acceptance of any decision you come to. Just know that IN RETROSPECT, I am now glad that I was born.

You are a hero in my book. It is my sincerest of hopes that you don't give up today, just in case you are granted your beautiful reward tomorrow.

I hope this New Year brings you reasons to celebrate and give express gratitude.


- Scott

 

Re: Chronic Terminal Depression » alchemy

Posted by SLS on December 31, 2021, at 20:06:27

In reply to Chronic Terminal Depression, posted by alchemy on December 30, 2021, at 21:35:28

Don't give up, especially after you already have.

There is nothing wrong with blind hope. That's what hope is. It isn't what you already know that will save you. It's what you don't know.

Uncertainty.

Uncertainty is your friend. With all of the uncertainty that you recognize as being the state of the art in biological psychiatry, you can no more guarantee that you won't get well than that you will.

Alchemy, I really did listen to you. There is very little in your words that I didn't see in mine year after year.

Perhaps better said:

Suicide is permanent. Your suffering might not be.

"I give myself permission to autoeuthanize myself. It is humane. I can do this any time I want. It is my decision and nobody else's."

"I choose not to do it today."

Repeat.

Repeat.

Repeat.

Well, I guess you get the idea.

That's about all I can convey to you right now. I hope you see the similarity in our experiences and the choices that are available to us.

I hope for you a miracle in 2022. Finding the treatment that brings you remission will have you believing in miracles, even if you don't believe in them right now. Miracles are in the mind of the beholder.


- Scott

 

Re: Chronic Terminal Depression

Posted by Lamdage22 on January 1, 2022, at 3:02:46

In reply to Re: Chronic Terminal Depression » alchemy, posted by SLS on December 31, 2021, at 17:24:34

Scott sounded much like you. Just because today is bad, tomorrow doesn't have to be.

 

Re: Chronic Terminal Depression

Posted by Lamdage22 on January 1, 2022, at 3:19:45

In reply to Chronic Terminal Depression, posted by alchemy on December 30, 2021, at 21:35:28

So diagnosis is severe unipolar depression? No psychosis?

 

Re: Chronic Terminal Depression » Lamdage22

Posted by alchemy on January 1, 2022, at 11:48:29

In reply to Re: Chronic Terminal Depression, posted by Lamdage22 on December 31, 2021, at 1:17:42

Thank you. Yes, I have a supportive family.

 

Re: Chronic Terminal Depression » SLS

Posted by alchemy on January 1, 2022, at 11:50:11

In reply to Re: Chronic Terminal Depression » alchemy, posted by SLS on December 31, 2021, at 20:06:27

Scott, thank you for your words. You have always been a wise one.

 

Re: Chronic Terminal Depression

Posted by alchemy on January 1, 2022, at 15:45:15

In reply to Re: Chronic Terminal Depression, posted by Lamdage22 on January 1, 2022, at 3:19:45

> So diagnosis is severe unipolar depression? No psychosis?

Correct, psychosis is not something I have had. My uncle did think he was Jesus once :)

I've never had mania but I have agitation. Stabilizers make me more agitated though.

 

Re: Chronic Terminal Depression

Posted by Lamdage22 on January 2, 2022, at 1:41:09

In reply to Re: Chronic Terminal Depression, posted by alchemy on January 1, 2022, at 15:45:15

Tryptophan or 5-HTP, D- (D-L) Phenylalanine?

 

Re: Chronic Terminal Depression

Posted by Lamdage22 on January 2, 2022, at 1:41:53

In reply to Re: Chronic Terminal Depression, posted by Lamdage22 on January 2, 2022, at 1:41:09

Do you have access to medical services (Nutirent-blood-tests)?

 

Re: Chronic Terminal Depression » alchemy

Posted by SLS on January 3, 2022, at 14:13:45

In reply to Re: Chronic Terminal Depression, posted by alchemy on January 1, 2022, at 15:45:15

> > So diagnosis is severe unipolar depression? No psychosis?

> Correct, psychosis is not something I have had. My uncle did think he was Jesus once :)

There is an incredibly large association between psychotic mania and "religiosity". I would say that religiosity is a reliable marker for bipolar type 1 manic behavior.

> I've never had mania but I have agitation. Stabilizers make me more agitated though.

Tiagabine (Gabitril) is one anticonvulsant that I don't trust. It is GABA reuptake inhibitor. That seems a little too potent to me. I consider it to be unpredictable, and it can result in seemingly paradoxical effects. I wouldn't be surprised if it could exacerbate a seizure disorder or be anxiogenic rather than anxiolytic.

I haven't researched this to see if my concerns are justified.


- Scott

 

Re: Chronic Terminal Depression » SLS

Posted by undopaminergic on January 5, 2022, at 8:23:41

In reply to Re: Chronic Terminal Depression » alchemy, posted by SLS on January 3, 2022, at 14:13:45

>
> There is an incredibly large association between psychotic mania and "religiosity". I would say that religiosity is a reliable marker for bipolar type 1 manic behavior.
>

God seems to be a fun-loving sort of a guy. Therefore, he shows himself more (both quantitatively and qualitatively) in the lives of people who are having fun and feeling good, and you never feel as good as you do while manic. It is easier to be spiritual or religious when you are experiencing the presence of God.

It would not surprise me if God actively tunes out the prayers of people who are miserable. They tend to be asking him to give them stuff or do stuff for them -- would you enjoy listening to that? Neither would God I'm afraid. It's understandable, but it is sad that he is not there for you when you need him the most.

> Tiagabine (Gabitril) is one anticonvulsant that I don't trust. It is GABA reuptake inhibitor. That seems a little too potent to me.
>

Wouldn't that be dose-dependent, just as it is with other reuptake inhibitors?

-undopaminergic

 

Re: Chronic Terminal Depression » undopaminergic

Posted by SLS on January 5, 2022, at 16:21:20

In reply to Re: Chronic Terminal Depression » SLS, posted by undopaminergic on January 5, 2022, at 8:23:41

I experienced religiosity during a bipolar psychotic manic episode 32 years ago. It was not pleasant. There wasn't a hint of euphoria. I had endless amounts of energy to create an endless amount of frightening delusions and overt psychosis that required physical restraints to subdue.

1. "Manic Dysphoria"

3. "Dysphoric Mania"

2. "Mixed States"

These terms have been in use since at least the mid-1980s. Neither of them describe a state of euphoria.

The religiosity that I experienced was dependent on delusional / psychotic thinking. The religiosity that I experienced was frightening. Have you ever tried to provoke the Devil into chasing your car down the interstate so that you could lure him away from attacking your girlfriend?

I have never been hospitalized for depression. My only hospitalizations were the result of mania, not depression.


- Scott

 

Re: Chronic Terminal Depression » SLS

Posted by undopaminergic on January 6, 2022, at 8:15:20

In reply to Re: Chronic Terminal Depression » undopaminergic, posted by SLS on January 5, 2022, at 16:21:20

I'm aware of the existence of mixed states. I was commenting based on my own experience. The closest I got to mixed mania was anger that caused me to do something very destructive, namely massively overdose on memantine -- I almost died. That, however, had nothing to do with religiosity.

-undopaminergic

 

Re: Chronic Terminal Depression

Posted by Lamdage22 on January 6, 2022, at 9:25:58

In reply to Re: Chronic Terminal Depression » SLS, posted by undopaminergic on January 6, 2022, at 8:15:20

Emergency room?

 

Re: Chronic Terminal Depression » undopaminergic

Posted by SLS on January 6, 2022, at 14:04:15

In reply to Re: Chronic Terminal Depression » SLS, posted by undopaminergic on January 6, 2022, at 8:15:20

> I'm aware of the existence of mixed states. I was commenting based on my own experience. The closest I got to mixed mania was anger that caused me to do something very destructive, namely massively overdose on memantine -- I almost died. That, however, had nothing to do with religiosity.
>
> -undopaminergic
>

Is there some concise statement you would like to make regarding "religiosity" as a feature of bipolar disorder?

1. What does your experience or non-experience of religiosity prove to others?

2. In what ways do think that your statements will benefit others?

3. Did Scott (SLS) experience religiosity when he was manic in 1987?

4. Is religiosity a possible symptom of bipolar disorder?

5. What is more important to the rest of the world:

. .a) Undopaminergic did not experience religiosity..
. .b) Religiosity is a symptom of bipolar disorder.

* I would not have asked these questions if I could glean from your words what you tried to convey to people.


- Scott

 

Re: Chronic Terminal Depression

Posted by undopaminergic on January 6, 2022, at 14:28:24

In reply to Re: Chronic Terminal Depression, posted by Lamdage22 on January 6, 2022, at 9:25:58

> Emergency room?

I don't remember much of it, but as I've understood it from what I've been told, I was in intensive care.

-undopaminergic

 

Re: Chronic Terminal Depression » SLS

Posted by alchemy on January 6, 2022, at 19:47:48

In reply to Re: Chronic Terminal Depression » undopaminergic, posted by SLS on January 5, 2022, at 16:21:20

> The religiosity that I experienced was dependent on delusional / psychotic thinking. The religiosity that I experienced was frightening. Have you ever tried to provoke the Devil into chasing your car down the interstate so that you could lure him away from attacking your girlfriend?

Wow, this is so interesting.

What I call my "psychotic thinking" is probably more related to anxiety (and being miserable) - Existentialism. I thank you for your words that it is humane to auto euthanize and it is my choice to to decide to live another day. Feeling "stuck" in this universe is a theme with me. I am the opposite of impulse. I think of all ramifications and have the classic guilt aspect of depression. And even if I was alone in this world, I still probably wouldn't have the guts (which also makes me feel stuck).

 

Re: Chronic Terminal Depression

Posted by Lamdage22 on January 6, 2022, at 22:13:39

In reply to Re: Chronic Terminal Depression » SLS, posted by alchemy on January 6, 2022, at 19:47:48

Religiosity is a trait of healthy religious people, too.

 

Re: Chronic Terminal Depression » SLS

Posted by undopaminergic on January 7, 2022, at 0:24:18

In reply to Re: Chronic Terminal Depression » undopaminergic, posted by SLS on January 6, 2022, at 14:04:15

>
> Is there some concise statement you would like to make regarding "religiosity" as a feature of bipolar disorder?
>

No, I already said what I had in mind.

> * I would not have asked these questions if I could glean from your words what you tried to convey to people.
>

First, I proposed a hypothesis that may help explain why religiosity may be more common in bipolar disorder. Then you brought forth an argument about mixed states, and I responded that my comments were based on my own experience with (classic) mania and that I had very little experience with mixed states. That is all -- I'm not getting pulled into an argument.

-undopaminergic

 

Re: Chronic Terminal Depression » Lamdage22

Posted by SLS on January 9, 2022, at 6:43:17

In reply to Re: Chronic Terminal Depression, posted by Lamdage22 on January 6, 2022, at 22:13:39

Hi, Lamdage.

> Religiosity is a trait of healthy religious people, too.

Thank you. I didn't realize that the word "religiosity" had a more generic definition. At the time I was hospitlized in 1990, "religiosity" was the word ascribed to the phenomenon that has since been renamed to "hyper-religiosity".


- Scott

 

Re: Chronic Terminal Depression » alchemy

Posted by SLS on January 9, 2022, at 7:07:12

In reply to Re: Chronic Terminal Depression » SLS, posted by alchemy on January 6, 2022, at 19:47:48

Hi, Alchemy.


> > The religiosity that I experienced was dependent on delusional / psychotic thinking. The religiosity that I experienced was frightening. Have you ever tried to provoke the Devil into chasing your car down the interstate so that you could lure him away from attacking your girlfriend?
>
> Wow, this is so interesting.
>
> What I call my "psychotic thinking" is probably more related to anxiety (and being miserable) - Existentialism. I thank you for your words that it is humane to auto euthanize and it is my choice to to decide to live another day. Feeling "stuck" in this universe is a theme with me. I am the opposite of impulse. I think of all ramifications and have the classic guilt aspect of depression. And even if I was alone in this world, I still probably wouldn't have the guts (which also makes me feel stuck).

For me, "trapped" is the word that comes to mind when I am faced with two choices:

1. Living one more moment in a state of endless pain and struggle.

2. Irrevocably exiting existence and terminating forever my consciousness in order to stop the pain and struggle.

I don't have it in me to choose either one.

I absolutely believe that one has a God-given right to what I call "autoeuthenasia".

HOWEVER, in a state of depression, reality for the sufferer is distorted. Can the sufferer truly be of sound mind when he makes the choice to die when his brain is operating abnormally?

Alchemy, I urge you to take this into consideration before you make a decision.

I also urge you to always give yourself one more day to reach a decision. What's the rush?


- Scott

 

Re: Chronic Terminal Depression

Posted by SLS on January 9, 2022, at 7:17:47

In reply to Re: Chronic Terminal Depression » SLS, posted by undopaminergic on January 5, 2022, at 8:23:41

> >
> > There is an incredibly large association between psychotic mania and "religiosity". I would say that religiosity is a reliable marker for bipolar type 1 manic behavior.
> >
>
> God seems to be a fun-loving sort of a guy. Therefore, he shows himself more (both quantitatively and qualitatively) in the lives of people who are having fun and feeling good, and you never feel as good as you do while manic. It is easier to be spiritual or religious when you are experiencing the presence of God.
>
> It would not surprise me if God actively tunes out the prayers of people who are miserable. They tend to be asking him to give them stuff or do stuff for them -- would you enjoy listening to that? Neither would God I'm afraid. It's understandable, but it is sad that he is not there for you when you need him the most.
>
> > Tiagabine (Gabitril) is one anticonvulsant that I don't trust. It is GABA reuptake inhibitor. That seems a little too potent to me.
> >
>
> Wouldn't that be dose-dependent, just as it is with other reuptake inhibitors?


I think that Gabitril-induced untoward psychiatric reactions are idiosyncratic, but occur in a sizeable minority of people - very much like allergies to peanuts.

The magnitude of the pharmacological actions of Hemlock are likely to be dose-dependent. However, death doesn't require very much of it.


- Scott

 

Re: Chronic Terminal Depression » undopaminergic

Posted by SLS on January 9, 2022, at 7:51:01

In reply to Re: Chronic Terminal Depression » SLS, posted by undopaminergic on January 5, 2022, at 8:23:41

UD:

> > There is an incredibly large association between psychotic mania and "religiosity". I would say that religiosity is a reliable marker for bipolar type 1 manic behavior.

> God seems to be a fun-loving sort of a guy. Therefore, he shows himself more (both quantitatively and qualitatively) in the lives of people who are having fun and feeling good, and you never feel as good as you do while manic. It is easier to be spiritual or religious when you are experiencing the presence of God.

When was the last time that UD experienced the presence of God?

When was the last time that SLS did NOT experience the presence of God?

I have seen only one other person on Psycho-Babble afford his musings the quality of being Truth, and believe that he can know anything about the Mind of God.

You are extraordinarily assumptive. It is a good look on no one.


So...

SLS claims to have never had a euphoric mania.
SLS claims that he experienced hyper-religiosity as the theme of his manic psychosis.
SLS is lying.


> It would not surprise me if God actively tunes out the prayers of people who are miserable. They tend to be asking him to give them stuff or do stuff for them -- would you enjoy listening to that? Neither would God I'm afraid. It's understandable, but it is sad that he is not there for you when you need him the most.

Oh. I just got the joke. You are being satirical! You really got SLS on that one! Don't I feel the fool.

Be that as it may, you are not privileged to know the Mind of God any more intimately than any of His other creations.

You are in no position to suggest to anyone, with or without depression, that their prayers go unheard by God.

Your words disgust me. I am horrified for you if you should really believe them.


- Scott

 

Re: Chronic Terminal Depression

Posted by Lamdage22 on January 9, 2022, at 8:16:25

In reply to Re: Chronic Terminal Depression » Lamdage22, posted by SLS on January 9, 2022, at 6:43:17

That sounds much better.

> "hyper-religiosity".
>
>
> - Scott

 

Re: Chronic Terminal Depression » SLS

Posted by undopaminergic on January 9, 2022, at 9:04:30

In reply to Re: Chronic Terminal Depression » undopaminergic, posted by SLS on January 9, 2022, at 7:51:01

> UD:

SLS:

> > God seems to be a fun-loving sort of a guy. Therefore, he shows himself more (both quantitatively and qualitatively) in the lives of people who are having fun and feeling good, and you never feel as good as you do while manic. It is easier to be spiritual or religious when you are experiencing the presence of God.
>
> When was the last time that UD experienced the presence of God?
>

You mean the last *memorable* experience? I'm sad to say it has been years. I've not been "up" (whether endogenously or pharmacodynamically) for that long a period, so it does not surprise me, given my hypothesis that you quoted above. But I trust he hasn't abandoned me for good. He takes a long-term perspective, so for him, it was only a moment since the last time he manifested himself in my life.

> When was the last time that SLS did NOT experience the presence of God?
>

Seriously, why do you ask me? *I* am not God so I am not able to read your mind.

> I have seen only one other person on Psycho-Babble afford his musings the quality of being Truth, and believe that he can know anything about the Mind of God.
>
> You are extraordinarily assumptive. It is a good look on no one.

I appear more assumptive than I really am. I did not want to litter my post with qualifiers like "It is my hypothesis that ..." and "I have come to believe that ...".

> So...
>
> SLS claims to have never had a euphoric mania.

I believe you. You have missed out on something.

> SLS claims that he experienced hyper-religiosity as the theme of his manic psychosis.
> SLS is lying.

What exactly is SLS lying about?

> > It would not surprise me if God actively tunes out the prayers of people who are miserable. They tend to be asking him to give them stuff or do stuff for them -- would you enjoy listening to that? Neither would God I'm afraid. It's understandable, but it is sad that he is not there for you when you need him the most.
>
> Oh. I just got the joke. You are being satirical! You really got SLS on that one! Don't I feel the fool.
>
> Be that as it may, you are not privileged to know the Mind of God any more intimately than any of His other creations.
>

I am indeed privileged to have been blessed with a number of experiences that have allowed me to infer things about God. I'm not saying there are any guarantees that my inferences reflect the truth. If nothing else, God may have been playing games with me. But if so, I am at least privileged to have been chosen by God to be part of those games.

> You are in no position to suggest to anyone, with or without depression, that their prayers go unheard by God.
>
> Your words disgust me. I am horrified for you if you should really believe them.
>

It reflects some of my working hypotheses. An alternative hypothesis to make sense of the appearance that God does not answer most prayers, is that he *does* answer them in his own way and in his own time (which may be in a couple of thousand years). As I said before, I believe he takes a long-term perspective.

-undopaminergic


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