![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 6 to 30 of 30. Go back in thread:
Posted by Estella on August 5, 2006, at 8:49:40
In reply to Re: .., posted by Estella on August 5, 2006, at 8:29:51
and the time in seclusion after being found turning blue. listening to the girl in the room down the hall singing... and singing... and singing... the food being slipped in a tray under the door. the soft option. the plastic spoon. the matress on the floor with no blanket. no window. cigarettes every hour if i was quiet and a walk around the yard. not hard to be quiet on chlorpromazine... not that much of it at any rate. what happened to me? then back to constant obs on the secure ward. being walked to the bathroom... too drugged. everything so hazy... so hazy for days... weeks... how many weeks how many months was i in there? then hxx. the house in the country has no heating no light and it is the middle of winter. no money for heating. no money for petrol. they gave him leave and he went home and his house had been broken in by vandals. they pissed on the carpet and broke all the windows and scribbled obscenities on his walls. he told me he would kill himself if they discharged him. he told them the FBI were trying to kill him. they didn't believe him. he gassed himself. his parents came... i was in seclusion... i was happy for him. that was how sick i was. i was happy his pain had stopped. what did they do to me? trying to help they said they were. trying to help. but the chlorpromazine is cheaper than constant obs and the shocks didn't work and then they try you on other meds. seroquel. that required a special dispensation approval. expensive meds are last resort in the public service. and then... i don't know what happened. kind words kind words and a smile. a t to walk with me. to talk with me. why didn't anybody come? lectures from the nurses on me creating my own problems and then the inevitable... borderline... borderline me. discharge. not good for me in hospital. institutionalised. emergency room visits. supported accomodation. part of the spirit of deinstitutionalisation. getting chronic people back out into the community. support worker visits. medication dispensing. planned activities. gardening group. relaxation. they shocked me in both hemispheres. 10 times. i withdrew consent. they wanted 4... then 6... then 8... then 12... when was it going to stop? then the drugs. then...
dbt
i miss my therapist so much.
i tried to contact her
got someone to pass a message on
nothingsometimes i feel... so alone...
so disconnected from my life.
was all that an episode in my life?
my life?
was that me?
was that me?who am i?
what changed?
why is it that sometimes i long to go back...
?
Posted by Estella on August 5, 2006, at 9:05:06
In reply to Re: .., posted by Estella on August 5, 2006, at 8:49:40
why is it that sometimes i long to go back?
how did i get from there to here?
i don't understand
i feel like an impostor i do
i feel like an impostor
i would not be here if only they knew
i would not be here
i don't belong
discussion of travel and interesting places around the world
of mathematical models and probabilities and conditionals and i don't know what people are talking about half the time
and i am finding it hard to work
shock
i feel like i'm in shock
like i shook my head
and here i am
and how did i get from there to here?
i don't understandand sometimes... i long to get back...
maybe it is about...
no expectations.
maybe it is.
i'm scared.
don't look at me
don't look at me
i'm terrified of what you might see...
Posted by susan47 on August 5, 2006, at 9:54:37
In reply to .., posted by Estella on August 4, 2006, at 5:52:28
> it is funny how most people think 'mummy' (or 'mommy' i guess, depending on where you are from)
> but i don't
> i think 'daddy'
> mother...
> mental image of a stern woman
> an aversive response
> domineering
> overpowering
> distress
> cornered
> daddy daddy daddy daddy daddy
> i loved you daddy
> you didn't have to do much
> just not hurt me
> not hit me
> not yell at me
> not say horrible things to me
> smile in my direction sometimes
> but you left
> you left me
> and chin up i had to be good
> 'it is much better now 'cause now they don't fight any more'
> thats what good mature girls say to the councellors
> and cry quietly at night
> where nobody can see
> it still hurts
> i wonder if it always will
> i know some people think mummy / mommy
> something about the womb
> but not me
> if guys gave birth it would make more sense
> but they don't.
> basic anatomical misunderstanding
> again
> there is something...
> well there can be something
> symbiotic about making love.
> that can be beautiful
> feeling happy
> feeling safe
> feeling protected
> and warm
> oh god i miss that so much.
> not a daddy thing of course
> but there isn't any such thing as a daddy thing
> not once you get older
> like guys and their mothers i guess.
> what the hell am i rambelling about...
> i don't know.
> why didn't my parents love me?
> sometimes it hurts so much.
Posted by susan47 on August 5, 2006, at 10:46:23
In reply to Re: .., posted by Estella on August 5, 2006, at 1:27:07
There's no point in hiding you from yourself. So now you know. So now you know how a part of what's possible for everyone, Estella, can become a controlling part of you. But I know you can set it free. I know it can happen, I know it can. But you have to completely accept your borderline self, you have to find someone who doesn't automatically categorize you into a pathology, but someone who can go, oh yes, let me show you how to turn that off little by little until it doesn't need to speak, let me show you I hear your pain, I feel your pain, you have good reason for your pain, and no you don't need to forgive or forget anything until you've said your piece, and you say it over and over until the right person hears you. Maybe the right person, has to be you. You have to find the counsellor who will reflect your deepest, most compassionate loving self onto the bpd self, the self that acts out inside and hurts you over and over and over again, making you feel unloved, unworthy of life.
Do you know, your dad sounds like someone who was in extreme pain too, and you were both victims and so was your mother in her way too. And of course you already know that, but it doesn't make it easier to heal your own pain. No. Only your love will do that, your hope for this moment.
Posted by susan47 on August 5, 2006, at 11:31:38
In reply to Re: .., posted by Estella on August 5, 2006, at 8:49:40
Maybe because it was easier not to take the responsibility of your pain when others were doing it for you, and the drugs .. the drugs which were necessary, at some level, for you to survive the hospital, the reality of what was happening but-not-really-you, this was a you that is in the past, this is not you now, it doesn't have to be you now.. your t is just a person with a lot of problems too. Just a person and a person you looked up to and loved and maybe admired, someone you knew who cared, cared deeply, was attached to your pain .. I think they are Estella. I think they get attached to the idea of our pain, and their idea of being able to take care of that. To make it go away. When we refuse to see that they cannot do that, that they need our Consent, we need to consent to take responsibility for being who we are .. who we want to be .. for having a new vision of ourselves and living into that ... I sound really ... kind of ... well, better. Does it sound good Estella? Do I sound better?
I've never been where you are. I work there though. For the older people.. it can last a lifetime if you need it to Estella, you make the decision from the strongest part of you, the part of you that you have a vision for. It's the vision that matters. Without it, you drift forever. I drift. We all do. We all need something to live for, a vision of a better life. A better reality. Some people have it. They had a vision.
Posted by susan47 on August 5, 2006, at 11:39:33
In reply to Re: .., posted by Estella on August 5, 2006, at 9:05:06
The impostor was never the you in school. The impostor was the one who gave up all responsibility to the world, and look what the world f*cking did with you? Don't you f*cking think that you can do better than that, better than putting yourself into the hands of people who don't know what you need as well as you do?
It's horrible when nobody loves you. It's horrible when you can't love anybody, when you can't love yourself, when you feel ugly and worthless and stupid. IT'S THE BIGGEST LIE YOU'VE EVER BEEN TOLD AND YOU FELL FOR IT, AND THAT DOES NOT MAKE YOU STUPID IT JUST MEANS YOU TRUSTED THE ONLY PEOPLE YOU COULD AND THAT IS NOT YOUR FAULT and you're ALLOWED TO STOP FLOGGING YOURSELF NOW.
I'm going before I hurt somebody really badly. Because Estella, love yourself as much as you deserve, which is HUGELY.. you're HUGELY DESERVING.
Posted by susan47 on August 5, 2006, at 20:59:42
In reply to Terrified » Estella, posted by susan47 on August 5, 2006, at 11:39:33
And hang that up on your wall, go on print up some version of it, of letting go of the blame for everything that everyone else is f*cked up about, and giving to you, and you sitting there accepting it all. No. To hell with that sh*t. No. See, now I'm talking to myself as much as I am to you Estella. As much as I am to you, this is me.
Posted by Joan797 on August 6, 2006, at 0:20:13
In reply to Terrified » Estella, posted by susan47 on August 5, 2006, at 11:39:33
>>It's horrible when nobody loves you. It's horrible when you can't love anybody, when you can't love yourself, when you feel ugly and worthless and stupid.
Yes it certainly is.
Posted by Estella on August 6, 2006, at 3:55:27
In reply to Re: Terrified » susan47, posted by Joan797 on August 6, 2006, at 0:20:13
(((((((((susan)))))))))))
((((((((joan))))))))))thank you susan.
yeah.
i think that should be for...
all of us.it helped me.
thank you.i've never talked about that.
never could.never could.
'cause then they'd abandon me for sure
for sure
i knew it was coming anyway...
but at least they were kind to me
at least they saw me when they were around.why can't i talk to my t about any of this??????
because it isn't good for me?
or because... she can't cope?
i don't know. i don't know that she can understand. but then she doesn't have to understand she only has to listen. but understanding... i think she thinks she does have to understand and i guess she does have to on some level only she doesn't. nice lady. trying to help. but there is no connection there. not really. she studied philosophy. got a philosophy degree. that is why they chose her to be my therapist. but she may as well be from another planet. i don't know what to say. i seem to have trouble working with so many people that one has gotta start wondering... where the problem is.
Posted by susan47 on August 6, 2006, at 12:15:18
In reply to Re: Terrified, posted by Estella on August 6, 2006, at 3:55:27
> (((((((((susan)))))))))))
> ((((((((joan))))))))))
>
> thank you susan.
> yeah.
> i think that should be for...
> all of us.
>
> it helped me.
> thank you.
>
> i've never talked about that.
> never could.
>
> never could.
> 'cause then they'd abandon me for sure
> for sure
> i knew it was coming anyway...
> but at least they were kind to me
> at least they saw me when they were around.
>
> why can't i talk to my t about any of this??????Excuse me for butting in, but for myself, I can only say there's a lot of deep, deep shame attached to not being loved. It's hard to admit. You feel like you ought to disappear, like why are you taking up these people's precious time, and for me, another part of me was saying, This is Not The Way I Should Be FEeling. I HAVE BEEN BETRAYED and you know who by? You know why by, darling? The people who should have cared the MOST, who were also the cruelest emotionally underdeveloped people anyone could have met. And it isn't their fault. Hey baby, it Isn't Their Fault, if they continue to be un-insightful, unkind, hurtful, backstabbing, mean, judgemental, sarcastic .. I don't know. I don't know why people have to have children to reproduce the worst in themselves. See, that's the biggest fear. The biggest fear is THAT I AM JUST LIKE THEM .. and it isn't true. Because if I were, I would BE HAPPY AND UNWILLING TO CHANGE... AND THAT SIMPLY isn't true. You see, I am changing, that is why it hurts so much. Maybe change is just meant to be painful, because without the pain, I don't know what would cause a person to want to fight the flow of those who assert their "love" for you.
>
> because it isn't good for me?
>
> or because... she can't cope?She can. She's the therapist. She better. You'll know when she does but first you have to learn to communicate with yourself, Estella, I just get this deep feeling that you're not connected, communicating with your whole self to your whole self, and that will just take time. There's a lot of buried shame and guilt and it's totally, totally undeserved you see. It's not something that was supposed to happen to you. You were supposed to grow up loved and cared for, and cared about, and you were supposed to be nurtured and grown to be healthy and independent and free to be your true, beautiful self. You are in there. You always were. Someone will validate that You, Estella, you just allow it first. Talk.
>
> i don't know. i don't know that she can understand. but then she doesn't have to understand she only has to listen. but understanding... i think she thinks she does have to understand and i guess she does have to on some level only she doesn't. nice lady. trying to help. but there is no connection there. not really.The connection will feel like, she's honest with you about her good feelings about You, Estella, and the connection is like, you feel better after you've talked with her. Like you matter. Like you count. Not so much that she cares. But more that you care. More that you forgive yourself.
she studied philosophy. got a philosophy degree. that is why they chose her to be my therapist. but she may as well be from another planet.
i don't know what to say. i seem to have trouble working with so many people that one has gotta start wondering... where the problem is.
The weirdest thing is that maybe it's not her, Estella, maybe you're not ready. It takes a huge amount of trusting yourself, letting your own pain into your life, really letting it in .. before you get to the point, sometimes, when you're ready to let go. When you are, you have this person, the T, as your support. That is what your T will do for you. But you have to be ready to let go, first. That's why you don't know what to say, I think .. because you're not overflowing, yet. Not yet. Maybe soon, though. But, I could be wrong because really, this is only what happened with me. And even though it's started, the acceptance, I still am making other plans, plans I don't really know how to stop. They're .. subliminal. Maybe the fast-track therapy I hopefully will be put into, will help. Maybe not. I almost ended up in hospital myself, this week. And I don't even care, anymore, who would know or how it would affect my life. Because I have worked and kept up appearances, been a mother, a lousy suck-*ssed sister and daughter and wife, and I have tried not to let the world see how deficient I am but the world can no longer be my concern. This world is hell. Reality, for most people, is far worse than any problems you or I may have.
Posted by Estella on August 6, 2006, at 19:25:46
In reply to Re: Terrified, posted by susan47 on August 6, 2006, at 12:15:18
thank you susan.
um...
i'm not going to be around for the next couple weeks. conference next week and i need to write my paper this week...
just wanted to let you know.
(((((susan)))))
Posted by susan47 on August 6, 2006, at 21:11:55
In reply to Re: Terrified, posted by Estella on August 6, 2006, at 19:25:46
I don't know where this is leading.
I just don't know, anymore.
Posted by wildcardII on August 7, 2006, at 1:57:58
In reply to .., posted by Estella on August 4, 2006, at 5:52:28
i don't have the answers but you are not alone, even though it feels that way...((((E))))
Posted by Estella on August 7, 2006, at 2:05:47
In reply to Okay. All right. Thanks for the hugs. » Estella, posted by susan47 on August 6, 2006, at 21:11:55
i'm sorry susan.
i'm falling apart... i didn't realise i was, but i have been for a while now.
i feel... like i'm cracking up. losing it again.
:-(
i've been trying to work. trying... trying... keep coming up against major resistence. reading... reading... then worrying i don't understand. rereading... rereading... writing... writing is harder. so hard. i haven't been able to write very much since arriving. i've been trying... i start writing. i give it to my supervisor and...
:-(
i've been working on my talk for conference. he said i shouldn't give a talk. that other people have been studying the topic for years and it isn't really my topic, is it? (rhetorical). i haven't been doing much reading on it, have you? (rhetorical). i'm failing to grasp the basic issues... i see that. his saying / thinking that. i see the f*cking issues and you can pick pick pick but i want to focus on this bit over here that really isn't clear from what other people have been saying. it isn't f*cking clear. i've been trying to understand. and he said i shouldn't give a talk. so i'm not going to. out of time anyway. tonight and two half days to do it. around 3,000 words. that isn't so bad. i have been f*cking reading. i have. and i've been thinking about it too. but it isn't on paper. and it isn't because everybody does this f*cking talking through powerpoints. and i'm scared. social anxiety. yeah i have f*cking social anxiety. if i don't have something i can read then i'm scared i'm going to freeze up and not be able to say anything. my mind will go blank and i'll just stand there looking stupid. so i have to write it. so that makes it a bigger deal for me than for others who can just structure a powerpoint and talk through that. and him saying NO! when i'm half way through a sentance. 'cause i'm not so good with expressing myself. he isn't helping. i feel incompetent. f*cking incompetent. he said 'it isn't that i don't think you could do it of course' (of course not it is just that you think i'll do a stupid presentation). 'you don't really want to do one anyway, do you?'i think... he is having a hard time of it... others have been saying that they have left him feeling bad this week. others have been saying that. he said he isn't giving a talk 'cause he couldn't think of anything to say (implying i don't have anything to say). i said something about how i was a little freaked in one of the seminars and he looked surprised. nobody found it confrontational except me... and one other supervisor. they said that they thought he could handle himself so that wasn't a problem. i wasn't thinking that. i was thinking that he was giving others an unnecessarily hard time. thats what freaked me.
what am i doing here?
i don't belong.i've said i'm not giving a paper.
but i'm f*cking well going to write one and i'm going to give it to another member of my panel. f*ck that. i feel horrible. why can't people just be nice?anxiety is too much sometimes. i hate myself so f*cking much.
Posted by Estella on August 7, 2006, at 2:18:41
In reply to Re: Okay. All right. Thanks for the hugs., posted by Estella on August 7, 2006, at 2:05:47
okay scrap that.
scrap that.maybe the problem is...
free associating...
can make one psychotic
it can
get the mind working over stuff...
that one cannot put awaydeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep breaths.
deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep breaths.
1. take some valium.
2. get something to eat.
3. write my paper.i'm sorry people. i wish i had... someone irl to talk to. i didn't get much sleep last night worrying about this... didn't get out or do much work on weekend either worrying about this. so... had a rough couple days. i think he noticed. i think that was what it was. i think he noticed.
deeeeeeeeeeeeep breaths.
i'm going to be okay.
Posted by Estella on August 7, 2006, at 2:19:25
In reply to Re: .. » Estella, posted by wildcardII on August 7, 2006, at 1:57:58
((((wildcard))))
thank you
Posted by Estella on August 7, 2006, at 10:59:59
In reply to Re: .. » wildcardII, posted by Estella on August 7, 2006, at 2:19:25
And it is hard. You know how sometimes some people... seem to kind of play on your insecurities. not on purpose. not intentional. but their insecurities and your insecurities just... clash. and that is what happened there. he isn't giving a talk... and i was going to. and i gave him... fairly scrappy notes yeah, but i was going to write it up. i thought we would be able to brainstorm and he would he slightly reassuring (yeah i do appreciate that i do) and i'd leave feeling better with a little more direction. but no. the opposite. but there was something a little off about that... he was kinda like 'it might be tricky to get out of doing a presentation now so i'll have a chat to xxx for you'. and i was like... no. i'll send him an email myself. and he was like... no. i'll do it. and i was like no... i'll send him one myself. maybe... he was trying to get me to put my foot down and say 'no f*ck you listen to me i said i'd talk to him myself'. well... thats not really the way to go about getting me to be more confident. sorry but. i talked to him myself. and... f*ck. f*ck f*ck f*ck. i didn't know what to say. i said i get anxious giving talks. that i was okay with tutorials 'cause undergrads are different. but harder material... with peers / profs. different story. that i wasn't able to talk to a ppt or handout. that i needed to write a paper. and his response was a little... condescending. i think... they might be playing with me a little. trying to provoke me to stand up for myself. i don't know. it isn't the way to go about it. if i get too anxious i get a little... paranoid. psychotic. can't say that though. social anxiety is my story and i'm sticking to it. f*ck f*ck f*ck. so... writing... have to do it now. no f*cking way i couldn't after crappy supervisors performance. maybe... that was the point? maybe it was. it has motivated me. oh yes indeedie do. sleep now. up at the crack of dawn. maybe a little valium tomorrow... dammit... when i get stressed it is hard for me to hold back the tears and that is a f*cking bad idea. AAAAAAAAARGH why do i have to be like this????????
Posted by susan47 on August 7, 2006, at 11:42:50
In reply to Re: Okay. All right. Thanks for the hugs., posted by Estella on August 7, 2006, at 2:05:47
> i'm sorry susan.
> i'm falling apart... i didn't realise i was, but i have been for a while now. i feel... like i'm cracking up. losing it again.
> :-(I know, Estella, I do.
> i've been trying to work. trying... trying... keep coming up against major resistence. reading... reading... then worrying i don't understand. rereading... rereading... writing... writing is harder. so hard. i haven't been able to write very much since arriving. i've been trying... i start writing. i give it to my supervisor and...
> :-(What, if anything, exactly, does your supervisor know about your medical history? This man doesn't sound appropriate as a mentor. Is he a mentor? Is that the idea? I don't like him.
around 3,000 words. that isn't so bad.No. How many pages does that work out to? i have been f*cking reading. i have. and i've been thinking about it too. but it isn't on paper.
I know. It's like, the pen or the keyboard go, ewww no anything you write with ME is going to look STUPID .. AND IT ISN'T TRUE!!!!!
Give it to Yourself to read. Read it yourself. To hell with the supervisor. What do YOU think about it? Does it make sense? DOes the story you're putting together in your head, about what you're reading, come out so other people can understand it?Rules. So many f*cking Rules. Forget the rules. Go with your head, what do you feel about what you're reading? Maybe you need to start there, to write to yourself about your feelings on this before you can flow into the dynamics of the academic.
You belong where you are as much as anybody. Others feel the same way you do Estella, but they don't express it. They look past it, they get validated by their friends. Some are lucky enough to have both friends And Family. We don't. We don't. But we're as smart as they are, we're as beautiful as they are, we're as everything as anybody else is.
Estella. Go do what you have to do right now, but someday, come back to this post, and take the name of this book and Read, even if it's just the first chapter, The Birth of the Female Brain. The book is "The Female Brain" by Louann Brizendine, M.D. "The Female Brain" Listen. There's a reason you feel this way about yourself. I know because I am the same. We have experiences from waaaay back when we were Infants .. our brains needed what we did not get, from our fathers certainly, and also from our mothers. It isn't our fault and it isn't really theirs, it's the way they are. There's nothing we can do about the way they are. But we have to understand, that as much as our brain is our friend, as it IS us, it is also an adversary that has to be conquered and the only way we can start is by understanding some facts. It's true. It's true Estella.
Go and get that pen now. Put it in your hand and take your paper and go sit, and think about what you've read. (((((Estella)))))
Posted by Estella on August 8, 2006, at 4:02:07
In reply to Re: Okay. All right. Thanks for the hugs., posted by susan47 on August 7, 2006, at 11:42:50
((((((susan))))))))) i love you sweetie, thanks so much for helping me through this
:-)
:-)
:-)
i wrote last night and wrote and wrote and wrote and took a valium and slept no problem and got up feeling much better (yay for long half life!!!). mustn't make a habit of it, but i think that is precisely the kind of situation where i should take it rather than getting more and more wound up.supervisor situation is a little odd... we have a panel of between 3 and 5. have three at the mo and i'll get another when he changes universities later in the year :-). basically... i wasn't so sure on who i wanted to be my main supervisor between x and y. i was liasing with z and when i arrived he said 'i'll just put myself down as your supervisor unless you have other thoughts and you can change it whenever you like'. i was always planning on changing it. don't get me wrong, he is great to have on a panel (it is jolly hard to get anything through him) but very much a person to give that final draft to rather than that first copy.
had a chat to x today... he was slightly reassuring. crossed out a lot, but still slightly reassuring. helped me get clearer on structure and stuff so it is going ahead now. i explained a little more too... said that i wasn't used to talking off my head and what worried me was that i'd get anxious and freeze up and wouldn't be able to say anything. he accepted that okay. he did. didn't make a derogatory remark or a joke or anything. so... paper it is. and i've done the first 1/3 to 1/2 okay and i'll have another late one tonight and another late one tomorrow and it will be okay :-)
daunting because there are specialists on the topic going to conference. so there is a realistic worry about my not making an *ss of myself, not writing something that is too basic (yawn), not misunderstanding the issues (i've just started on the topic), not saying anything in a condescending tone about the other issues that i don't care about that they are all wound up about.
um... i might not have an issue at all. that is a genuine worry. nobody has really written very much about this particular aspect i want to deal with and it might well be... there is a good reason for that. some say it is brute and there is nothing to be said in the way of explanation. others say there isn't a problem just a verbal dispute.
but... i'm doing it. and x was great. and so it is good, it is okay. and z seemed rather surprised that i'm going to be doing somehting and mhah ha ha he is going to see how much work i can crank out when i have a deadline!!!
:-)
it is going to be okay.
thanks susan
((((((((((susan))))))))))))
Posted by susan47 on August 8, 2006, at 19:46:19
In reply to Re: Okay. All right. Thanks for the hugs. » susan47, posted by Estella on August 8, 2006, at 4:02:07
Thanks for the hugs.. again! here's some back atcha ... (((((Estella))))). I need a lot of that huggy stuff right now.
> but... i'm doing it. and x was great. and so it is good, it is okay. and z seemed rather surprised that i'm going to be doing somehting and mhah ha ha he is going to see how much work i can crank out when i have a deadline!!!
>
I wouldn't worry much about anything z thinks, to be honest, from what I've heard of him. Doesn't sound like he has much patience for the process. And you're all about process, right now. We all are. Which is unfortunate for z, because I'll bet there're a lot of people whom he makes uncomfortable, him being into results and not understanding that the only result, in life, is death. Anything else is process, it's all a draft ... nothing's perfect and it sounds like he needs to be perfect .. an expectation leading to unhappiness for all.> :-)
>
> it is going to be okay.Of course it is. And one day you'll look back at this and go, Wow. I have come This Far, since then. And you will have. It'll be amazing, I hope I'm there. Invite me.
>
> thanks susan
>
> ((((((((((susan))))))))))))No, Estella, Thank You. You allowed me to feel like I was helping you when I felt desperate and alone and pretty damn worthless.
((((((((Estella))))))))
Posted by Estella on August 9, 2006, at 4:59:49
In reply to Re: Okay. All right. Thanks for the hugs. » Estella, posted by susan47 on August 8, 2006, at 19:46:19
(((((((((Susan))))))))))
Thank you so much.> And you're all about process, right now. We all are. Which is unfortunate for z, because I'll bet there're a lot of people whom he makes uncomfortable, him being into results and not understanding that the only result, in life, is death. Anything else is process, it's all a draft ... nothing's perfect and it sounds like he needs to be perfect .. an expectation leading to unhappiness for all.
lol.
:-)> Of course it is. And one day you'll look back at this and go, Wow. I have come This Far, since then. And you will have. It'll be amazing, I hope I'm there. Invite me.
:-)
I already look back at what has gone before and go wow. I'll be sure to stick around Susan.> No, Estella, Thank You. You allowed me to feel like I was helping you when I felt desperate and alone and pretty damn worthless.
You WERE helping me. A whole heap. Sorry to have taken over rather though... We were talking about you. Sorry about that.
So... We are both feeling a bit better?
Posted by susan47 on August 14, 2006, at 1:40:35
In reply to Re: Okay. All right. Thanks for the hugs. » susan47, posted by Estella on August 9, 2006, at 4:59:49
Yes, I am feeling rather fine, today. Yes. Yes indeedy. I have been camping with my young son and we have had a splendid Time of it. Yes. Canoed up a sad river, though. Sad, sad river. Logging. Many many years of logging and all but killed this river.
One day, I'm going to do something about that. Help, somehow.
You ever feel that? You ever want that, really Want to make things better Estella? I think you do.
I think you definitely already do that, you do make things better.
I am Soooo Glad to know you Estella.
How many ways are you feeling better? Tell!
Posted by Estella on August 23, 2006, at 9:50:28
In reply to Re: Okay. All right. Thanks for the hugs. » susan47, posted by Estella on August 9, 2006, at 4:59:49
I'm sorry Susan. I'm not doing so well. I'm broken. I'm broken and I always will be. And it is only a matter of time before people see that about me. And everyone has problems, sure I realise that. And I see what happens when others problems come to light and how people deal with them. But not mine. Not me. Too big. Too much. What am I doing? I don't know. I'm not doing so well. I'm not doing so well. But there is nothhing to be done. i'm sorry.
Posted by susan47 on September 6, 2006, at 0:33:07
In reply to Re: Okay. All right. Thanks for the hugs., posted by Estella on August 23, 2006, at 9:50:28
I'm falling apart too. I'm never going to be Whole. I want to be, but I don't know how or when or if that'll ever happen. Yeah, things change, don't they? Life really sucks. My relationships with the males in my life, with my kids, with everybody, right now, just sucks. Sometimes it's just better to hide.
Posted by Susan47 on September 24, 2006, at 0:27:12
In reply to You're not the only one. » Estella, posted by susan47 on September 6, 2006, at 0:33:07
just to not be conscious.
This is the end of the thread.
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