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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Susan47 on August 15, 2005, at 0:33:50
Tonight, it's warm out and in spite of the slight breeze there's a headiness about the atmosphere, something thick and lovely lies there, like a memory of romance. I loved you so much. I wanted you and I needed you, I did anything and everything I could to have some contact, some small crumb of acknowledgement when what I really wanted was all of you, to be completely a woman, and it will never happen, you don't want me, I'm not good enough for you, and it hurts damn it, it hurts like you wouldn't believe, I feel mortified and embarrassed and I still want you so much, and for no reason that I can fathom other than this feeling, this feeling that is making me a crazy person, this feeling that's controlled me for so long that I'm no longer the person I was before I knew you, I'll never be her again, and I actually think the misery I was living before I met you is better than now, better than having to love you, better than wanting you, your skin touching mine, better than wanting what another woman already has, a woman who would hate what I feel, a woman who would shun me as fast as she could slam a door, a woman who could make me feel like a pure slut for desiring you so much. And you, you who stand by her with all your moral purity; who are you, really?
Posted by AdaGrace on August 15, 2005, at 8:37:54
In reply to Rant, posted by Susan47 on August 15, 2005, at 0:33:50
It's so very hard to accept that another person does not want or love us when we feel so very confident that our love for them is so complete.
I know what it feels like Susan.
I know what it it like to wake up in the night and reach out into thin air, yearning, wanting, needing that person. Wanting to share with them every thought, every action that consumed out day.
Our lives are wrapped up in them and it is inconceivable to not be able to talk, share, touch them. And even more horrific that they might know how we feel, but either not care or not willing to take the giant leap of faith it would take for us to be together.
It's like being locked in a dreamlike state. Our minds revisit our time with them. We only envision the wonderful times and beautiful memories of that person.
I want so much for him to realize that we were great together I want him to know how very much I still love and want him. I want him to also know how deeply hurt and scarred I am because of him. I want him to know that there is noone else on this earth who can make me feel the way he did.
But I can't even do any of that, I can't talk to him. I can't hear his voice. I can't feel him breath. I don't get the priveledge of knowing if he is dead or alive. Happy or sad. Alone or with someone. I can only live out the fears and assumptions in my mind. Sometimes the not knowing is as bad as the knowing.
It's been a year for me Susan. And I still cannot believe that I will not be spending the rest of my life with him. I still reach for the phone when I hear a new song I think he might like, or read the news in his area. Yes, I visit a web site of his hometown newspaper. How pathetic is that.
I don't know where he is. I don't know if he is okay. I don't know if he still thinks of me. I don't know if he meant anything he said to me, and I don't know if I will ever get over this.
I'm angry. Yes. Very angry that he didn't stick it out and try. Angry that in the end he didn't think we were soulmates and were meant to be together like he said to me so very many times over and over and over.
I'm also hurt. Hurt beyond recovery. I cannot imagine life without him, and therefore can't live. I'm alive, but not living. I exist. That's all. I try to replace him and the feelings I had for him with other men, but I usually end up feeling empty, alone, and extreemly depressed. No matter how tight you squeeze your eyes shut and pretend it's him, reality seeps in and grabs hold of you and shakes you back to the present. You wake up and realize that the man touching you, holding you, sharing everyday life with you is not him, and never will be and there really is no replacement for him.
That is the bain of my existence.
Posted by Susan47 on August 15, 2005, at 18:00:50
In reply to Re: Rant » Susan47, posted by AdaGrace on August 15, 2005, at 8:37:54
It's been over a year for me and I still yearn for this man. But unlike you, Ada, I never had him. My need is completely and only that; a need. It's wrapped up in love, but it still is need. I feel so terrible thinking that I have nothing to offer but myself and it wouldn't ever be good enough.
Last night I heard the train whistle, and I wanted to die.
Today I came home after work, and I wanted to die.
I still do.
Death is bliss, there's no more pain, no need, no rejection. I know damn well why I'm like this. I know I'm completely in transference with this therapist, I'm glad it's a therapist and not an ex-lover. But maybe an ex-lover wouldn't have been the same gentle, kind, handsome and clever person this man is. And maybe a lover would've been easier to get over.
I really want to die. How sad to wish this life over when it has never really been lived.
Posted by AdaGrace on August 15, 2005, at 23:33:56
In reply to Re: Rant » AdaGrace, posted by Susan47 on August 15, 2005, at 18:00:50
I am standing there with you on that bridge looking over the railing. I see peace and serenity there, but fear that I would not die. I fear that there would be more pain to endure.
Which is worse. Dying because I hurt so much, or living with the thought that my death would mean nothing to him. He wouldn't even know. He wouldn't mourn me. He wouldn't wish he had done things differently. He wouldn't know. And he wouldn't care if he did.
Having felt his body next to mine...his hands on my skin, his breath in my ear makes it no easier to get over losing him. Those things i live with daily. Those things i relive nightly in my dreams.I have no reason to live other than the realization that dying would not make a difference.
Posted by Susan47 on August 27, 2005, at 0:23:17
In reply to Rant, posted by Susan47 on August 15, 2005, at 0:33:50
Okay, that was good, Dammit, that was really good. Getting that off my chest and out of my space was intense. Now I read it, and it sounds just fine. All except the end.
There's something wrong with the end.
Posted by Susan47 on August 27, 2005, at 0:30:55
In reply to Rant, posted by Susan47 on August 15, 2005, at 0:33:50
Oh yeah, standing by her in your moral purity .. that's what you're Supposed To Do when you're married. I think they were probably both virgins when they married. Some people are like that, they still have old-fashioned values, the were Raised Properly. I think he and she are Like That.
Which is good. Because that's a huge part of what builds a responsible, moral society. And in truth, I'm a bit jealous of people who have it like that. A bit too easy, really.
I wonder sometimes, what their inner lives are like. If their thoughts are Holier than mine. If everything they do is blessed with an aura of Rightness.
People like that get Under my Skin.
I generally don't like them very much.
The're supremely protected in some unfathomable way I'll perhaps never understand.
Sometimes I make so little sense, others, I think I'm bloody brilliant. When all I am is the same as you, just another person whose mind goes 'round and 'round.
But people like my ex-T, people like him, I don't think their minds revolve at all .. they have Something Solid, something to hang onto in their lives. I used to be so jealous of that. But maybe I'm actually fortunate, maybe I can use what I've learned and what I've honestly lived ..?
Posted by Susan47 on August 27, 2005, at 22:19:39
In reply to Re: Rant, posted by Susan47 on August 27, 2005, at 0:30:55
This is hilarious, it's so funny and satisfying, having these little conversations with myself. Hah! It's Therapeutic!
Posted by Susan47 on August 27, 2005, at 22:30:37
In reply to Re: Rant, posted by Susan47 on August 27, 2005, at 22:19:39
Actually, I was just out in the bush with the kids and friends, for a few days, and a small lake and swimming all day, jumping in off the dock and swimming out, and playing with the kids and a huge log, swimming this thing around with my girlfriend, two of us Pippi Longstockings, had a blast, swimming out into the lake together just to talk, talking and swimming and playing. Sitting out on the dock at 8 in the morning, letting the sun warm you in the complete silence and reflections on the lake.. having the place to yourselves until practically noon, the kids catching newts and frogs and swimming all day from sunup to sunset.
It was paradise.
And I learned things I never knew before. Things I'd read about and been told, but things nevertheless that never really resonated in me until now. Now I feel completely blessed to have had that feeling of peace and hope and actual happiness. Scary to say because poof, you say it and suddenly it turns out to have been a mirage ... like a man I love deeply and exists only, unfortunately, in my mind. But real enough, he's real enough for me.
I told him a while ago, I said I didn't know why I was chasing him, but I was, and I didn't want to be, and maybe he translates that in his way, but now I'm translating it to the knowledge in myself, that I was chasing Me.. and I think maybe I'm finally catching myself. And I'm thinking that perhaps the me I am, is not only Good Enough, but one of the Best, because I want to be, and I can, I can be that. I can grow and I can change, and I've done quite a beautiful bit of that lately, inside myself, though there's always Life, you know, Right There, waiting to bite me in the butt. And it does, but I don't have to live without Hope. That's one thing that is available to me, to all of us. It's just a matter of finding the Key.. and when it's in your possession, try and make a duplicate, a skeleton key, and pass it on.
Susan, this is Crap. Fun, but crap nonetheless. I think. Or no, sometimes I just don't think. But those're the times when it's smart not to go out.
Sigh.
Posted by Damos on August 28, 2005, at 17:51:06
In reply to Re: Rant, posted by Susan47 on August 27, 2005, at 22:30:37
Susan, your little conversations with yourself are a tue joy. Little by little you chip away at the truth. Didn't Michaelangelo say something like: "You see a block of marble, I see David". This is true of you, you are chipping away at all the 'stuff' to reveal the beautiful, wonderful, magificent in so many ways you.
Oh yeah, there's a lot to be said for a life authentically lived. Glad you're time in the bush was so good. Amazing how such easy simplicity can reveal so much.
This is the end of the thread.
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