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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 41. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by alexandra_k on May 27, 2005, at 2:35:56
Or to sleep forever
Or something...
Winter sets in and I feel numb.
Mental healthwise I have been pretty good since hospital.
Physically I got a cold
It went away
Then I got the flu.
I guess thats how 'normal' people cope
Take some tablets
Soldier on
Two weeks to go.I wish I could say I'd get a holiday then
But really...
Thats when my real work starts.I don't know whats being going on
(going wrong)
for me lately...I feel grumpy
Very grumpy indeed :-(
Posted by sunny10 on May 27, 2005, at 9:45:38
In reply to I just want to cry, posted by alexandra_k on May 27, 2005, at 2:35:56
have you given yourself permission to cry?
My T just told me on Tuesday that if I don't validate my own feelings, nurture myself, and give myself what I need, the need, and thus the pain, just keeps growing stronger...
Of course, telling someone to "just do" what they don't know HOW to do, or even if they're worth the effort, is somewhat pointless- I don't know how to actually Do any of these things...
Have I managed to pass along this pearl of wisdom to someone who knows what to do with it?!?!
I was always taught that if I was given something that I couldn't use, I should pass it along to someone who could...
Posted by sleepygirl on May 27, 2005, at 12:01:21
In reply to I just want to cry, posted by alexandra_k on May 27, 2005, at 2:35:56
hello there, so you're having a hard time, the advice to me has been some of the following:
be gentle with yourself, give yourself time, don't make any unnecessary demands on yourself, do something that doesn't hurt, socially, recreationally, keep on going with therapy, meds
keep writing, hang in
Posted by alexandra_k on May 28, 2005, at 20:52:21
In reply to Re: I just want to cry » alexandra_k, posted by sunny10 on May 27, 2005, at 9:45:38
> I was always taught that if I was given something that I couldn't use, I should pass it along to someone who could...:-)
I don't know...
I haven't been able to cry.
But I seem to spend a lot of time close to it.
Or ruminating...
Or the half-way between sleep and wake place.
I could spend my life there.
I swear I could.I think I just really need this semester to end.
And the marking...
It is getting a bit much for me.
Posted by alexandra_k on May 28, 2005, at 20:56:40
In reply to Re: I just want to cry, posted by sleepygirl on May 27, 2005, at 12:01:21
Thanks :-)
I am trying to be gentle with myself.
I really really am.
I know that I can get quite down if I'm not gentle on myself.
And I can see that I'm pretty fragile at the moment so I need to take special care.
But in taking that special care I still feel like I'm just doing it to 'get through' rather than actually feeling better as a result of it.I guess part of what is hard is that I know I need to take special care of myself now - but I also have a lot of work committments at the moment.
I have told them I had too much on
And lost some of my workload
But it is still pretty high...But the worst thing
The worst thing of all
Is that in the greater scheme of things
(Compared to full time work)
It is minimal work
Very minimal work indeed.
But it is still a bit much for me.
And other people don't get that.
They don't get why I'm struggling
'cause most people would find my current workload
Fairly light and pleasant.
But it is pushing it for me
Really pushing it.But I have no excuse now that I'm cured and all
<sigh>;-)
Posted by sleepygirl on May 28, 2005, at 22:42:27
In reply to Re: I just want to cry » sleepygirl, posted by alexandra_k on May 28, 2005, at 20:56:40
There will always be others doing more or less than you.
"the race is long and in the end it's only with yourself"-from a songI think that sometimes the best way out is just "through", and that's enough for a while. I don't underestimate your struggle, I'm guessing it's the end of the term. Nobody else really knows you're difficulty though, so respect your limits, don't beat yourself up for them. Just do what's absolutely essential (but for you that might be a heck of a lot)
Posted by TamaraJ on May 28, 2005, at 22:48:49
In reply to Re: I just want to cry, posted by sleepygirl on May 28, 2005, at 22:42:27
> "the race is long and in the end it's only with yourself"-from a song-- I like that. I don't think I've heard it before. Which song is it from?
I also like "The ox is slow but the earth is patient". It's from a movie, but I'm too embarrassed to say which one (it's old, and I saw it when I was a teen I think).
Posted by sleepygirl on May 28, 2005, at 22:52:28
In reply to Re: I just want to cry » sleepygirl, posted by TamaraJ on May 28, 2005, at 22:48:49
"Everybody's free to wear sunscreen"- Baz Luhrman or something
I also like the Beatles "Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans" I quote it ad nauseum, It's one of my personal favorites
I'd like to think of some lovely violent, energy releasing music right now, any ideas?
Posted by sleepygirl on May 28, 2005, at 22:55:23
In reply to Re: I just want to cry, posted by sleepygirl on May 28, 2005, at 22:52:28
Wear sunscreen.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.
Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing every day that scares you.
Sing.
Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.
Floss.
Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.
Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.
Stretch.
Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.
Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.
Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.
Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.
Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.
Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.
Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.
Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.
Respect your elders.
Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.
Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.
But trust me on the sunscreen.
Posted by TamaraJ on May 28, 2005, at 23:00:13
In reply to long song previously mentioned, posted by sleepygirl on May 28, 2005, at 22:55:23
Now I remember it. Thanks. I've heard that many times. I like it, and the advice is actually quite good (IMO anyway).
Posted by anastasia56 on May 28, 2005, at 23:05:47
In reply to long song previously mentioned, posted by sleepygirl on May 28, 2005, at 22:55:23
that was a great list...words to live by.
alex, my pdoc once shared with me the thought that we should all go at our own pace...not compare what we do to the speed or alacrity of someone else. I found that comforting as I always felt I didn't do as much as the next guy. Every now and then when i'm racing around like a bat out of #### that pops into my head and i try to slow to a pace that is more natural to me.
ana
Posted by sleepygirl on May 28, 2005, at 23:12:49
In reply to Re: long song previously mentioned, posted by anastasia56 on May 28, 2005, at 23:05:47
I keep a quote on the wall in my office,
"The world is in fast forward. Pause."
-unfortunately it's from a citibank ad, but it works for me out of that context.
Posted by sleepygirl on May 28, 2005, at 23:19:35
In reply to Re: I just want to cry » sleepygirl, posted by alexandra_k on May 28, 2005, at 20:56:40
no excuses because you're cured and all...hhmm
you don't run marathons just because you're broken leg is healed, -that's a version of something my T tells me, almost everytime I'm overwhelming myself, or setting out to overwhelm myself
Posted by Damos on May 29, 2005, at 17:53:30
In reply to I just want to cry, posted by alexandra_k on May 27, 2005, at 2:35:56
Hush little Alex
Don't say a word
Damo's gonna a buy you
A mockingbird
And if that mockingbird don't sing
Damo's gonna buy you
A diamond ring
And if that diamond ring don't shine
Does anybody know
The next damn line?
De de da da da
De de da dum
Waiting waiting
But it won't comeDearest Alex, I'm sorry I haven't got across the ditch to see you yet. If by some miracle I manage to keep my job that is #1 on my list of must dos. B regardless, my shoulders scrawny as they may be are always here for you to cry on okay.
(((((Alex)))))
Posted by sleepygirl on May 29, 2005, at 23:32:09
In reply to Re: I just want to cry » alexandra_k, posted by Damos on May 29, 2005, at 17:53:30
I think it's: daddy's gonna buy you a diamond mine
Posted by alexandra_k on May 30, 2005, at 18:28:36
In reply to Re: I just want to cry, posted by sleepygirl on May 29, 2005, at 23:32:09
Thanks everyone.
Sorry I've been a bit slack with the thread.
Just trying to avoid that feeling...
Keep going...
Two weeks to go...I just get frustrated that I can't work at a 'standard' or 'reliable' pace. I guess thats a major part of whats wrong with me.
It is hard when you have to compete to try and get selected for stuff... And so always put your best foot foward and minimise / neglect your limitations.
Then to see that the reality would be something that would disqualify you...
I'm not making much sense...
Two weeks.
Just worry about that.
Posted by alexandra_k on May 30, 2005, at 18:30:15
In reply to Re: I just want to cry » alexandra_k, posted by Damos on May 29, 2005, at 17:53:30
Damos.
(((Damos)))
Yeah, we should meet one day :-)
If all goes well for me I might be moving to Australia early next year.
I'll have to go via Sydney.
And then I won't be all that far away.:-)
Posted by alexandra_k on June 2, 2005, at 3:20:26
In reply to I just want to cry, posted by alexandra_k on May 27, 2005, at 2:35:56
...and there it is again.
Though really, I don't think it went away
But its back again most definately now.
Maybe I'm depressed.
Hmm.
I don't know how that is supposed to help.
I feel all sad inside.
Strangely enough...
Its not so bad.
I know I used to get into these real bad places where I felt so very intensely bad. That doesn't really seem to happen anymore.
Sadness.
Well.
Its okay compared to that.
I let myself cry
When nobodies looking.
I don't know that I feel better for it
But I think it needs to come out.
Its just hard sometimes
The thoughts
Hard not to get mad
Hard not to get mad at people.
But I don't want to feel mad
Sads okay
Mads not so nice
I don't like feeling angry.
And I'm rambling.
The boards have been really quiet today.
Hope everyone had a nice day
Im going to go to bed and cry...
one week to goAnd what is it???
What is wrong???
Hmm.
I remember how I felt when I was a kid
And I feel sad now.
I see that I'm pretty much a loner
That I prefer things that way
That I actively avoid people
And don't go to social stuff that I could / should
And that thats what I choose to do
But that I feel lonely an awful lot too
And its probably something to do with that.
That I don't have a therapist.
That I'll probably never have a therapist.
That they never did send me the letter to tell me that.
That I did get dumped
I did get dumped from the service
All I got was an assessment
A bit fat sh*t of a pre-existing condition
Termination.
How did he help me again?
I just don't see it.
But I really shouldn't think those thoughts.
Sads ok
Its not that bad
But I do seem to spend an awful lot of my life crying.
I think I am depressed
But there isn't anything to be done..
Posted by alexandra_k on June 2, 2005, at 3:25:13
In reply to Re: I just want to cry, posted by alexandra_k on June 2, 2005, at 3:20:26
And one week to go till what?????
Till next weeks marking.
Then I have 2 weeks to write a seminar
Then a couple months to write my thesis
To write an application
To buy myself 3 years to write another thesis.
What happened to holiday??????
Oh yeah. I'll get a couple months off...
I'll go on the dole and have a break.I'm not sure
I'm not so sure...
That I want to be writing anymore.
I don't know sh*t about anything.
There is still so much I want to know
I want to learn
I don't feel ready to go out there on my own and write...
I don't feel that I want to do it anymore.
I'm not ready.
I miss being an undergrad.
I miss coursework.
Mulit-guess quizes
A fixed body of stuff to learn
To remember
An essay or two
Where the question
Where the problem
Is clearly defined.I have decided...
I don't care so much if I don't get in.
I think...
I might like to start again.
Maybe it is time to do a BSc.
Biology...
Something
Anything
But this...
Posted by alexandra_k on June 2, 2005, at 5:02:37
In reply to Re: I just want to cry, posted by alexandra_k on June 2, 2005, at 3:25:13
And theres nothing I can do.
I think about it a lot
A great deal
My 'options'
What I could do...- I could try ringing the lady who made the funding decision. Tell her that I haven't recieved formal notification of the funding decision. I suppose I could go off at her, but that wouldn't help... I suppose I could say... Being very careful here... But I could ask whether she realises that if the funding decision is 'no' then I will fight that and there will be an inquirey into her decision. And that the lawyer thought I had a good case and so that would look bad for her. But I don't think that is a good way of going about it. She will probably take it as a threat. By default. So there it is.
- I could send p-doc an email. Go off at him. But that won't help. Ask him where I'm at on the wait list. He said he had put in a referral for me to see another p-doc. But he probably just said that, like he does. Trying to prevent a scene incase I decide to start writhing on the floor and saying I'm pregnant... Or something... Something... Anything to keep the peace so that I will go away and not make a scene.. Even if he did put me on the wait list nobody will take me on most likely. I have probably been taken off already because nobody wants to work with me. Nobody wants to see me. And they can 'justify' that by saying that they aren't willing to see someone with that dx because there isn't anything they can do.
- I could email the t that was recomended. Tell her the funding didn't come through. What good would that do??? Well... I suppose there could be a chance that she would agree to see me for free. But I won't do that. I won't do that. It isn't fair to do that. What would I be trying to do? Make her feel guilty and take me on out of pity. Nope. Thats no good.there isn't anything to be done.
and i just keep going round and round and round this sh*t night after night.
One week
One week
and all that f*cking marking
then i do believe im allowed to have a breakdown...
:-(
maybe i need to take the pills
i don't feel so good
Posted by alexandra_k on June 2, 2005, at 5:13:15
In reply to Re: I just want to cry, posted by alexandra_k on June 2, 2005, at 5:02:37
and i just wish it would stop
and i could forget about it
BECAUSE THERE ISN"T ANYTHING I CAN DO
and because nothing is going to happen
and i just need to accept that.
and sometimes it isn't so bad and i just feel sad
but then sometimes i feel really bad
and sometimes im so f*cking mad i wont say what im tempted to do...
and i just want to forget all about this
forget it ever happened
forget that some peoples lives are different
and i just want this to go away.
and i don't understand that if that is supposed to be my coping strategy
to just give things a little push and then out of my mind they go...
if that is supposed to be my coping strategy then why doesn't it work like that and why doesn't this go away and why cant i just forget all about this???i feel really scaired because i don't know what is to become of me.
and i understand when people say that they are tempted to do something drastic so that something happens something changes because people just seem to need a wake up call that i am not alright and i need some help.
(not people here and i will be okay but this is what i think sometimes)...
and i can feel myself getting low again...
but I know i just have to get through one more week
and do the marking
cause I've had too much time off this semester already.
but then when the pressure is off i think i probably will lose it or collapse or something
and i have no earthly reason to believe that things are going to get any better for me in the near future. and so in a way i am pretty crazy for thinking about going somewhere to study. to try and make a committment to that. because it is so very f*cking likely that i'll have a breakdown or something and make an *ss of myself and not even complete it. and so what the hell am i doing?????maybe it is time to have a holiday properly.
go on the sickness benefit
and just potter around uni attending whatever...
get that formal letter out of them,
and get the process rolling along...
if all goes well i could get to see someone...
if the inquirey goes in my favour.
two years for the inquirey...
then treatment for how long???
we only asked for one year.And then what?
I don't know
I have no idea
I odn't think i want to be doing this anymore
it is too hard
and i feel sad
Posted by Susan47 on June 2, 2005, at 9:17:14
In reply to Re: I just want to cry, posted by alexandra_k on June 2, 2005, at 5:02:37
This is ridiculous. You can see how perverted this is, can't you? Physicians, people who call themselves healers, refusing to heal. "Afraid" of their clients. Rejecting those who need them most.
How sick.
Do you believe this is true, Alex?
Really? Is this really what is happening?
What are your meds?
Are you taking them?
Are they enough?
You shouldn't be feeling this sadness, not if your medication is working. Frustrated, angered by the system, okay .. but able to fight, able to stand.
You must stand up for what you believe to be right, Alex. But you need to be lucid and strong. Don't crumble. I feel you crumbling, yet again. Remember the strength you felt when you came out of hospital last time. Remember the kindness there, and the caring. Who will help you at this time? There must be someone. And again, are you taking your meds???
Posted by sleepygirl on June 2, 2005, at 19:20:01
In reply to Re: I just want to cry, posted by alexandra_k on June 2, 2005, at 5:13:15
Hey alexandra,
You're sadness is coming through loud and clear. I'm thinking as I read your post that you feel terribly alone, very low on hope, and feel like you have been summarily dismissed with a message that you can't be helped. Well you most certainly can be. But I don't suppose that reminding you of the limitations that others can have in that understanding or in their availability would be of any benefit here. I think you will find a relationship that can help you. Fundamentally, what people need is acceptance through it all. I think you might be feeling terribly rejected, and you might be accepting that perception as fact. Sometimes it does feel like you have be screaming for anyone to notice. You're feelings though, directly stated in your posts, don't need to scream to me. I see it, and I think it must feel terrible inside for you right now. Feels like you've taken a terrible blow, and it's feeling pretty hard to walk right now. It doesn't help that you appear to be overloaded with work right now. Try to do one thing at a time, and not think too far ahead. There's a whole bunch of things that could happen in the not too distant future. I don't quite understand all the particulars of what you need to do to obtain proper mental health care, sounds maybe complicated/frustrating? Anyway, hang in there philosopher, it's hard, but possibilities always abound. Yeah, and I hope you are taking meds. I know I'd be in bad shape without mine, although that of course is not all of the story.
-Peace
Posted by alexandra_k on June 2, 2005, at 20:31:28
In reply to Re: I just want to cry » alexandra_k, posted by Susan47 on June 2, 2005, at 9:17:14
> Do you believe this is true, Alex?
> Really? Is this really what is happening????
Is what true???
It is true that nobody will treat me. Nobody in psychology anyway. Basically... There are three teams and two psychologists to each team. That makes 6 of them. You are supposed to stay within your team but it isn't to hard to change... But it can be hard because when they say 'there isn't anybody to treat you' you have to ask 'in my team or in the whole service???' But it turns out... It is the whole service. I've seen both psychologists from my team. One met me once and recomended nobody work with me. The other one saw me for maybe 3 months and then terminated me (she said she didn't know what to do with me and she got sick worrying about it). I have worked with one of another team and she recomended nobody work with me. I have met the other one off the same team and she won't work with me. I have met another one off the last team and she won't work with me and I don't know who the other person is but I think it is fair to assume that they don't want to work with me either. CBT is silent on my dx and they don't know what to do with me.P-docs are medication prescribers but they have a fair bit of leeway to do what they want. Most of them won't work with me. But they come and go a fair bit. Most of them don't want to do anything other than prescribe medication. Most of them are busy enough just doing that.
So there it is.
Nobody will treat me in community mental health.> What are your meds?
> Are you taking them?Effexor and Seroquel.
Nope.
They don't help.> You shouldn't be feeling this sadness, not if your medication is working.
i don't think any medication really helps. That is the problem...
>Frustrated, angered by the system, okay .. but able to fight, able to stand.
> You must stand up for what you believe to be right, Alex. But you need to be lucid and strong. Don't crumble. I feel you crumbling, yet again. Remember the strength you felt when you came out of hospital last time. Remember the kindness there, and the caring. Who will help you at this time? There must be someone. And again, are you taking your meds???I think...
I think Ive hit the end of the line with community mental health.
The time has come to accept it.
I did fight
For a number of years
I fought hard as I could
But there is nothing left to be done.
Posted by alexandra_k on June 2, 2005, at 20:59:03
In reply to Re: I just want to cry, posted by sleepygirl on June 2, 2005, at 19:20:01
Hey there.
Thanks so much for your post
:-)
I'm sure I'll be okay.
I just find it hard to reconcile them knowing that I need help with their refusal to help me.
But it is a hard one I guess...
I mean, think of all the starving children.
They need out help
But no particular person is responsible for helping them.Yuk.
I hate to make such a comparison.
THanks.
I do need to work on accepting it.
There isn't another way.
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