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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Tamar on May 17, 2005, at 8:47:03
Dear Ex-Therapist,
I hope you don’t mind my writing to you with an unusual request: I want you to reject my wish for friendship.
Naturally enough, I would like to be friends with you, and of course I know it’s not possible. I know I should have talked about this when we were still meeting, but I was too afraid of how I would react to your response.
Now, however, I realize that hearing you say it is the only way I will feel it to be true; my rational knowledge of the impossibility of friendship is not quite enough.
Kind regards,
Tamar
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on May 17, 2005, at 9:44:49
In reply to Letter to my ex-T, posted by Tamar on May 17, 2005, at 8:47:03
Dear Tamar,
I hope you're not beating yourself up over never discussing this in therapy. What you feel is completely natural and I am truly flattered that you want my friendship. I am so fortunate to work with the people that I do. Please know that I learned much from our time together, enjoyed working with you, and will indeed always remember you with fondness.
Due to the complex nature of the therapist/client realtionship, it is unwise for therapists and former clients to socialize once therapy has stopped. This is one of the boundaries about which I am most adamant. Our realtionship is unequal and will always remain so. One way I protect my clients is not to let this inequality seep into the real world. Our realtionship is unique in the therapy room and would never be able to translate into the real world.
As a competent, professional therapist, who wants only the best for my current and former clients, I maintain careful and solid boundaries, both for my well being as well as yours. Take heart in the fact that you know you received the best of care and the best of therapists as I adhere to these standards of the profession. I have, and always will have, your best interests at heart.
That being said, I would love to hear from you once in awhile, maybe a postcard when you're travelling or any news you might want to share. My door is always open for you and you can come back any time.
It was a pleasure working with you. If your main fear is of being forgotten, don't worry, that won't happen.
Your wonderful Ex-therapist,
Tad
Posted by 10derHeart on May 17, 2005, at 11:32:52
In reply to Response from Ex T, posted by Miss Honeychurch on May 17, 2005, at 9:44:49
I know it only really matters what Tamar thinks and feels on this....but you did a beautiful job, IMO. Just the right balance.
I forget I WASN'T reading a real letter from an ex-T. for a minute. Really. Ending with the part about not being forgotten was brilliant.
I mean, at least for me, it would have gone over pretty darn well. My yardstick is probably ex-T., and how's he written emails around this subject, although I've not been brave enought to ask that direct question about friendship. WE're sort of still gently letting the contact taper off after 11 months, so I'm in a different position than nearly everyone here.
And parts of this sound a little like his words, so I suppose that's why I smiled and nodded.
Posted by pinkeye on May 17, 2005, at 13:33:42
In reply to Letter to my ex-T, posted by Tamar on May 17, 2005, at 8:47:03
Posted by Tamar on May 17, 2005, at 16:41:29
In reply to Letter to my ex-T, posted by Tamar on May 17, 2005, at 8:47:03
I wrote my main thank you post over on the psychology board, but thanks again for replying. It meant so much to me.
T
Posted by alexandra_k on May 18, 2005, at 5:20:23
In reply to Response from Ex T, posted by Miss Honeychurch on May 17, 2005, at 9:44:49
Want to be my x t?????
Posted by Shortelise on May 18, 2005, at 12:18:57
In reply to Letter to my ex-T, posted by Tamar on May 17, 2005, at 8:47:03
Dear Tamar,
I'm sorry it has taken me so long to respond to your note.
Your need to be rejected is something I cannot fulfill. I am your friend, your therapist friend. It's a friendship that exists differently than other friendships, though.
You can count on me to hold the feelings you shared with me. I will always care about you. It was a *privilege* to hear your deepest thoughts and feelings; a privilege to be allowed to get to know you. Your trust was a gift.
Our friendship is one where we carry each other in our hearts, each in our own way. I carry you as a person I watched grow and evolve, who worked hard, who took risks.
We don't meet for coffee, but everything we shared is still within you. I am, and will always be, on your side - maybe not at your side but always on your side.
Thank you so much for this offer of friendship. It is precious.
Warmly,
Your Kind T
Posted by alexandra_k on May 19, 2005, at 0:23:08
In reply to Re: Letter to my ex-T, posted by Shortelise on May 18, 2005, at 12:18:57
You guys are great!!!
:-)
Posted by Tamar on May 19, 2005, at 17:49:09
In reply to Re: Letter to my ex-T, posted by Shortelise on May 18, 2005, at 12:18:57
Thank you so much for your response! It helped a lot. I love the idea that he really *is* my friend, even if it’s not a meeting-for-coffee kind of friendship. And I love the idea that he is on my side even if he can’t be at my side.
Thank you again for your kind words.
Tamar
This is the end of the thread.
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