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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 4 of 4. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Shame on April 21, 2005, at 13:09:57
My life is full of contradictions. As the meds take a hold I spend more time feeling 'normal', and less time being a slave to my disease. I feel different things now. Cuts hurt again, laughter makes me feel light, and I long to see my family once again. My quality of life is improving little bit by little bit, and I feel like my life is moving forward now.All of these positive changes, and I find myself trying not to despise them. All of the disassociation I felt, all of the thoughts of suicide, all of my rage, and all of my anguish are leaving me. That’s who I have been for so long, its all I know who to be. It's a type of emptiness, a longing to stroke the jagged shard once again and be who I was.
My days are no longer measured out in breaths, but rather times goes by and I seem to go with it. Happiness is no longer a cold metal blade, but the scars and burns on my arms are still a testament to who I am.
I can be a husband and a stranger, I can be a lover and a friend, I can be a worker and a leader, but I cannot be who I was and who I am becoming. The mutual exclusivity of these two models of a man brings panic. Right now I straddle these two ideals, but neither brings comfort.
Maybe they make a pill for that.
Posted by sunny10 on April 21, 2005, at 13:18:38
In reply to Stroke the jagged shard. *trig*, posted by Shame on April 21, 2005, at 13:09:57
Ir sounds to me like you have reached the first and most important stage. Yes, of course the cliche exists "better the devil you know" for a reason, because change in itself can be scary.
But you sound so much more grounded than you did when I first saw you posting. It has taken time to get to where you are- between two worlds. But at least you can now see those worlds and make a powerful choice. Being who you are becoming will get easier. And we never forget who we were. Don't forget the other cliche...
"Those who forget the past are destined to re-live it."
That you don't need. I know I've learned a ton of painful lessons (jeez, I don't like to even think of my experiences as "lessons", but it's the easiest way to express myself without story-telling, isn't it?!). I try to remember NOT to "be" the bad things I've done, but to strive to never do them again...
I hope you never feel the need for the jagged shard again. Keep up the good thoughts.
-sunny10
Posted by PM80 on April 22, 2005, at 8:21:39
In reply to Stroke the jagged shard. *trig*, posted by Shame on April 21, 2005, at 13:09:57
Wow. You really captured these feelings well. It IS really difficult and quite scary to become something new. There is such a feeling of disconnect between altered perspectives. AND I am always afraid that if the person I was dies then all things truly are only temporary; thus the person I am will soon die too. Therefore I am truly nothing. But there are times when I glimpse a truth or two and I am aware that the old me has not died, she has simply grown and stretched. A friend of mine used to sign her email with the quote "we do not change as we grow older, we simply become more clearly ourselves." I always liked this signature. You are going to be okay.
Posted by Shame on May 2, 2005, at 14:26:03
In reply to Re: Stroke the jagged shard. *trig*, posted by sunny10 on April 21, 2005, at 13:18:38
It's improvements in small steps. It's hard to look back and not feel like I have lost something, but viscerally I know it's not where I want to be.
At least I'm not writing like a fruit-cake any more. Thats good. Now I seem boring though. Somone turned my volume down.
This is the end of the thread.
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