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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by alexandra_k on March 2, 2005, at 21:29:21
jump up and down and kick and scream and yell and wack people in the shins and MAKE THEM LISTEN TO ME and MAKE THEM HURRY UP and MAKE THEM DO SOMETHING.
but i cant.
there isnt anything i can do.
nothing that makes any sort of difference.
people just dont care
they just dont care enough to do anything.
i fight and push and do it all by the book realising that if i step out of line then nobody will want to help me at all.
but none of that makes any sort of difference either and there is nothing to do. there isnt any more i can do and there isnt anything else to be done.why cant i just die? i am sick of this sh*t. if i thought i could kill myself i would. but i dont seem to be able to even manage that. just end up feeling worse (you wouldnt believe it was possible) but just end up feeling worse after the inevitable lectures on lying attention seeking manipulation. i am just so tired. i dont want to do this anymore. any of it. all i ever wanted was a little f*cking help and i dont know why but in my case that is just too much to ask. f*ck this. i just want to tell them exactly where they can shove it. but if i do that then it is inevitable that i get nothing. but even if i dont it is inevitable that i get nothing. it really doesnt matter what i do. nobody gives a sh*t. f*ck this. i dont understand why they wont even give me a little f*cking help.
i am sorry
i will be ok
i am just so tired.
maybe i should just get my course related costs money and just f*ck off for a while. go awol. go somewhere anywhere else. i really cant tolerate much more of this.
Posted by Susan47 on March 3, 2005, at 0:50:52
In reply to I just want to, posted by alexandra_k on March 2, 2005, at 21:29:21
((((Alex))))
I wish I knew what to say.
Posted by alexandra_k on March 3, 2005, at 0:58:20
In reply to Re: I just want to » alexandra_k, posted by Susan47 on March 3, 2005, at 0:50:52
Thats ok Susan.
I don't know what to say to you half the time either.:-)
I'll be ok.
Just need a good nights sleep or something.
Posted by Susan47 on March 3, 2005, at 10:00:31
In reply to Re: I just want to » Susan47, posted by alexandra_k on March 3, 2005, at 0:58:20
That was cute.
I hope you slept well, sweetie.
Posted by alexandra_k on March 4, 2005, at 5:55:42
In reply to Re: I just want to » alexandra_k, posted by Susan47 on March 3, 2005, at 10:00:31
Yeah. I had a good sleep. Had a better day today. I need to go to sleep again. Have a sleep in. Take it easy this weekend.
Varsity starts up on Monday. Eep. 9 tutorials per week. Preparation and marking and office hours too. I shall have some money for a change :-). Better not get sick though. Hard to find someone to cover if I need time off :-(
I hate the first week. Everyone is happy and light and glad to be back.
Maybe it is sadistic but I much prefer the tone once the first lot of assessments have been handed out...
;-)
Hope you are getting a good nights sleep.
And that things seem a bit brighter in the morning.
Night night Susan.
Posted by Susan47 on March 4, 2005, at 7:12:34
In reply to Re: I just want to » Susan47, posted by alexandra_k on March 4, 2005, at 5:55:42
It's 5:11 a.m. here and I'm up. Have you gone to bed in your corner of the Pacific? I hope things are better after this next little sleep I'm going to have.
I don't know how to make things well for myself anymore. I can't go into the old T's office and see any kindness or acceptance, I'm in so much unbelievable psychic pain I don't know if it's going to ease or what. My new T maybe I should call her but I'm afraid she's going to think less of me, the way the old T does.
Posted by alexandra_k on March 4, 2005, at 16:33:29
In reply to Re: I just want to, posted by Susan47 on March 4, 2005, at 7:12:34
> I don't know how to make things well for myself anymore.
I think... I think you need to try to tell your new t a bit about what is going on for you. The way you tell us here.
>I can't go into the old T's office
No Susan. You have to stop that.
>and see any kindness or acceptance, I'm in so much unbelievable psychic pain I don't know if it's going to ease or what.
Every time you talk to him...
Every time you see him...
It is being hurt
Abandoned
Rejected
Over and over again.
You have to stop that Susan.
For your own sanity.>My new T maybe I should call her but I'm afraid she's going to think less of me, the way the old T does.
It doesn't sound like you have gotten very attached to her. She is probably feeling a bit like she can't reach you or connect with you and she doesn't know what is really going on for you.
I think you should call her.
I don't think she would think any the less of you.
And if she did then it is good to know that now and get the hell out of there and go find somebody competent. Better to find that out sooner rather than later.She is not your old t.
And that is the beauty of it.
Talk to her Susan.
And if you can't then write to her.
It is a risk
But if you don't stand to lose anything then you don't really stand to gain anything either.
Posted by Susan47 on March 4, 2005, at 16:53:04
In reply to Re: I just want to » Susan47, posted by alexandra_k on March 4, 2005, at 16:33:29
Alexandra you always are so loving and wise (((Alex)))
My new t knows a great deal already. I told her almost everything... almost. She doesn't know the frequency. Once a day would've been enough to burn her out, she says.
I'm so ashamed.
I don't know if I can ever tell her everything.
But I do know I can tell her a great deal.
Because she's obviously heard it all, or at least she's ready for it all on some level. Her boundaries are very strick but she's sensitive enough to know when to let them down. Still, with me. And I think I won't cross hers, because I learned so much already, but it was such a painful lesson, so hard to learn when there was so much panic attached to the subject matter.
I don't like being alone.
Not at all.
It's like being dead, Alexandra.
And sometimes, being with the wrong people is also like being dead.
I need to hear his voice again, and I need to fight that. Fight it.Do you see how I try? Do you see? Do you listen? Do you understand?
I loved you, I still do.
I can't imagine not loving you.
And your name must remain
ever silent on my lips.
Always.I'm bleeding, my heart bleeds.
Posted by alexandra_k on March 4, 2005, at 18:08:52
In reply to Re: I just want to, posted by Susan47 on March 4, 2005, at 16:53:04
> My new t knows a great deal already. I told her almost everything... almost.
Thats good :-)
>She doesn't know the frequency.
Well... Thats probably not so very important...
>Once a day would've been enough to burn her out, she says.
Yes.
> I'm so ashamed.
You don't have to feel ashamed. It is up to your therapist to set limits Susan. And if you push those limits then it is up to them to talk to you about that and sort it out. They have to look after themselves Susan. Sounds like your last t's boundaries weren't so hot. Your new t sounds a bit better with that. That is good. It means she is looking after herself. To make sure she won't get burned out. That means that she won't have to terminate you like the last one did - see?
> I don't know if I can ever tell her everything.
> But I do know I can tell her a great deal.Thats good enough.
> Her boundaries are very strick but she's sensitive enough to know when to let them down.
Thats terrific. You can't really ask for more than that.
> And I think I won't cross hers, because I learned so much already, but it was such a painful lesson, so hard to learn when there was so much panic attached to the subject matter.
Yeah.
> I don't like being alone.
> Not at all.
> It's like being dead, Alexandra.
> And sometimes, being with the wrong people is also like being dead.Im sorry Susan. But you aren't alone. You have the internet. I know it isn't the same as being able to connect with people IRL but it is infinately better than nothing Susan. Infinitely better than nothing and it is 24/7.
> I need to hear his voice again, and I need to fight that. Fight it.
Yes. Because it will hurt you more than it will help you.
> Do you see how I try? Do you see? Do you listen? Do you understand?Yeah Susan, I do.
Don't talk to him anymore Susan.
Talk to us
Talk to your new t.
Posted by alexandra_k on March 5, 2005, at 16:44:01
In reply to Re: I just want to » Susan47, posted by alexandra_k on March 4, 2005, at 18:08:52
Sorry if my last post sounded like a lecture or something.
I know that while Babble is great it doesn't compare to IRL. Something is missing...
But for me something is always missing...
I don't know what I reckon about that hole stuff.
I know we talked about that before.
Then I remembered the Linehan stuff about that.
But I don't know whether I buy it.
She reckons it is just because people need to feel a bit closer...
Then after a bit of time they DO start to internalise that and aren't so needy anymore.
But I don't know.
I don't know.Are you okay?
This is the end of the thread.
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