Psycho-Babble Writing Thread 459162

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Re: *

Posted by alexandra_k on February 17, 2005, at 18:40:25

In reply to *, posted by alexandra_k on February 17, 2005, at 1:58:18

What kind of cruel god is responsible for this?
A certain fallen angel is supposed to be fairly reliable with bargains
So long as souls are involved
I didn't see what good mine was doing me
So I swapped it for a
Fallen angel
Companion
Familiar
What you will.
She was supposed to talk to me.
But all she did was scream
Through the thick fog
She would open my mouth
And scream
The holy spirit would not touch me.
And one day
When I was in my closet
Fending off the screaming
He came to me
Silenced her
And spoke:
He was not god
He was not the devil
And he showed me
I was neither good nor evil.
He was neither good nor evil.
I do not fear I'm evil anymore

 

Alex

Posted by Jai Narayan on February 17, 2005, at 19:01:48

In reply to Re: *, posted by alexandra_k on February 17, 2005, at 18:40:25

wow,
what a powerful poem.
my god.
is this from your life?
this sounds like a survivor poem.

I too have survived.
Ja*

 

Re: Alex » Jai Narayan

Posted by alexandra_k on February 17, 2005, at 19:31:14

In reply to Alex, posted by Jai Narayan on February 17, 2005, at 19:01:48

Thanks everyone.

Saw, Damos, Jai, Susan.

I am okay.
Just a form of venting.
The spanner bit was metaphoric.
Sorry - I should have posted a trigger warning.

 

Re: * I face NZ and pray

Posted by Damos on February 17, 2005, at 19:59:31

In reply to Re: *, posted by alexandra_k on February 17, 2005, at 18:40:25

For I am not worthy to be in the presence of one so truly gifted (or should I say tortured?). Your writing is amazing, just simply amazing.

BTW, you did have me worried there and the offer's always there.

- The Blunder from Down Under =0)

 

Re: * I face NZ and pray » Damos

Posted by alexandra_k on February 17, 2005, at 20:03:15

In reply to Re: * I face NZ and pray, posted by Damos on February 17, 2005, at 19:59:31

Ugh. Please don't pray for me, okay??? ;-)

Thanks.

I mean, thanks for your kind words. They are appreciated.

I am okay. Just venting I guess.

> - The Blunder from Down Under =0)

Heh heh you are funny :-)

 

Re: *

Posted by alexandra_k on February 17, 2005, at 20:13:43

In reply to Re: *, posted by alexandra_k on February 17, 2005, at 18:40:25

I don't know how the empty bottles got in there.
Stacked to the ceiling on the shelf in my closet.
Piled part way up the wall from the floor of my closet.
The odour of cheap wine seeping through
Their paper bags.

They would clunk as I climbed up on top of them
But it was a refuge from the whanau (family) meeting.
Singing
through the ceiling
They were standing on my head singing
Loud
Religious songs
And the screaming was bad.
The door pulled open from the outside
There I am
Perched on the mound of bottles.
I didn't fit in too good in the home.

 

Re: * I face NZ and pray

Posted by Damos on February 17, 2005, at 20:30:06

In reply to Re: * I face NZ and pray » Damos, posted by alexandra_k on February 17, 2005, at 20:03:15

Mate, just a figure of speech. Would be too afraid of being struck by lightening to even attempt it =0). I think you could say I'm pretty much a religion free zone.

I'm funny alright - in a wrap around white coat kinda way!

 

Re: * I face NZ and pray » Damos

Posted by alexandra_k on February 17, 2005, at 20:35:15

In reply to Re: * I face NZ and pray, posted by Damos on February 17, 2005, at 20:30:06

Yeah, good old Australasian black humour, eh? Though maybe it isn't just an Australasian thing...

 

Re: * » alexandra_k

Posted by Toph on February 22, 2005, at 18:19:42

In reply to *, posted by alexandra_k on February 17, 2005, at 1:58:18

I don't visit this board much anymore. So, sorry if this is not timely. I won't try to analyze the powerful words but I am struck by this sense that I get from you. I can't decide which side of you impresses me more, the rational alex with the well tuned intellect and the fastidiously organized closet of a mind or the emotive alex with her complexity of pain and compassion, passionate beliefs and humorous wit, courageous interventions and girlish regressions. Its also amzing how well both alexes live with each other harmoneously. Are you as well adjusted, your current and former demons notwithstanding, as you appear to be?

Toph

 

Re: * » Toph

Posted by alexandra_k on February 22, 2005, at 23:24:46

In reply to Re: * » alexandra_k, posted by Toph on February 22, 2005, at 18:19:42

> I don't visit this board much anymore.

How come??

>So, sorry if this is not timely.

Better late than never ;-)

Thanks Toph. Really. That was a really nice thing to say. I don't think anyone has ever said anything so nice to me before. It has been a long and hard day and now you made me cry. Bless you.

>Are you as well adjusted, your current and former demons notwithstanding, as you appear to be?

Oh hell no. I am most severely f*cked up Toph. Really. Really and truely.

 

Re: * ! » alexandra_k

Posted by Toph on March 1, 2005, at 10:38:48

In reply to Re: * » Toph, posted by alexandra_k on February 22, 2005, at 23:24:46

> > I don't visit this board much anymore.
>
> How come??
>
Because every time I try to contibute something, I end up feeling foolish and it takes weeks before it goes away.

> >So, sorry if this is not timely.
>
> Better late than never ;-)

Here I ask you a very personal question and the next day go on vacation. How's that for timing?
>
> ...I don't think anyone has ever said anything so nice to me before...

I don't believe that for a second. I'm certain that you are one of the most respected and most well-liked people here.
>
> >Are you as well adjusted, your current and former demons notwithstanding, as you appear to be?
>
> Oh hell no. I am most severely f*cked up Toph. Really. Really and truely.
>
F*cked up in a good way, I'm sure. Most of the best people I know are f*cked up. And some of the rest are just plain f*ckers.

 

Re: * » alexandra_k

Posted by Susan47 on March 1, 2005, at 11:02:56

In reply to Re: * » Toph, posted by alexandra_k on February 22, 2005, at 23:24:46

IMO the most severely f*cked up people are the ones who seem to think the deepest. You're beautiful, Alex.

 

Re: * ! » Toph

Posted by Susan47 on March 1, 2005, at 11:05:11

In reply to Re: * ! » alexandra_k, posted by Toph on March 1, 2005, at 10:38:48

I really wish you'd quit beating up on yourself, Toph. You're lovely, absolutely lovely. (((Toph))) Let yourself go, you're too frightened, you're beautiful with a deep deep soul and you just need to let all the beauty and the angst express itself, don't be scared. Don't care what anyone thinks about your expressions. Just be. Honey. Mwah.
See, now I feel stupid. Shut up, Susan.

 

Re: * ! » Susan47

Posted by Toph on March 1, 2005, at 12:57:57

In reply to Re: * ! » Toph, posted by Susan47 on March 1, 2005, at 11:05:11

Do you owe me money or something, susan?

 

Re: * ! » Toph

Posted by alexandra_k on March 1, 2005, at 15:36:24

In reply to Re: * ! » alexandra_k, posted by Toph on March 1, 2005, at 10:38:48

> Because every time I try to contibute something, I end up feeling foolish and it takes weeks before it goes away.

Oh Toph. You are appreciated. Please come back to us over on Writing...

> Here I ask you a very personal question and the next day go on vacation. How's that for timing?

Did you have a good vacation.

Enough with the complements already!
I do not take them well...

> F*cked up in a good way, I'm sure.

Heh heh, I try to be ;-)

>Most of the best people I know are f*cked up. And some of the rest are just plain f*ckers.

:-)

 

Re: * !

Posted by Susan47 on March 1, 2005, at 15:36:38

In reply to Re: * ! » Susan47, posted by Toph on March 1, 2005, at 12:57:57

Quit that, you're being suspicious.. Susan meant every word. :-)

 

Re: * » Susan47

Posted by alexandra_k on March 1, 2005, at 15:36:55

In reply to Re: * » alexandra_k, posted by Susan47 on March 1, 2005, at 11:02:56

I think you are beautiful too Susan.
You are a deep well...

 

Re: Take a complement Toph!!! :-) (nm) » Toph

Posted by alexandra_k on March 1, 2005, at 15:37:36

In reply to Re: * ! » Susan47, posted by Toph on March 1, 2005, at 12:57:57

 

Re: * !

Posted by Toph on March 1, 2005, at 16:49:43

In reply to Re: * ! » Toph, posted by alexandra_k on March 1, 2005, at 15:36:24


>
> Did you have a good vacation?
>

Thank you for asking.(So this won't get booted off PBW):

Once upon a time, I went skiing with my son, Matthew because he thinks we don't care about him anymore. He has been kind of narcissistic which is kind of like describing your average young male. I was always frustrated with him not calling home, forgeting birthdays, not ever saying thank you, never calling his sisters at college, being so defensive about any criticism, not appreciating his step-mother who raised him as if he were his own, the repetitive lying, even confronted with irrefutable proof,his dishonesty with girlfriends, stuff like that. I would feel ashamed that I didn't always like my own son.

So, I fly to Denver for 4 days of skiing with Matthew hoping for some bonding. It was mostly a good experience. Mainly I learned a lot about my son that I should have know but had to witness first hand. He is an incredibly independent young man. He lives with 5 other guys whom he proudly introduced me to. They are his age and graduating soon. (Matthew had to work a couple years to establis Colorado residency)

I have to quit now I now because I have 2 minutes left on my library computer ttime I'll sign on again and finish

 

Chapter 2

Posted by Toph on March 1, 2005, at 17:15:10

In reply to Re: * !, posted by Toph on March 1, 2005, at 16:49:43

>
> >
> > Did you have a good vacation?
> >
>
> Thank you for asking.(So this won't get booted off PBW):
>
> Once upon a time, I went skiing with my son, Matthew because he thinks we don't care about him anymore. He has been kind of narcissistic which is kind of like describing your average young male. I was always frustrated with him not calling home, forgeting birthdays, not ever saying thank you, never calling his sisters at college, being so defensive about any criticism, not appreciating his step-mother who raised him as if he were his own, the repetitive lying, even confronted with irrefutable proof,his dishonesty with girlfriends, stuff like that. I would feel ashamed that I didn't always like my own son.
>
> So, I fly to Denver for 4 days of skiing with Matthew hoping for some bonding. It was mostly a good experience. Mainly I learned a lot about my son that I should have know but had to witness first hand. He is an incredibly independent young man. He lives with 5 other guys whom he proudly introduced me to. They are his age and graduating soon. (Matthew had to work a couple years to establis Colorado residency)
>
By becoming a Coloradan it saves $20,000 off out-of-state tuition. Anyway, we went to the bar where he is a bartender and all these people came up to Matthew and he introduced me to them all. We drank beer, played darts, told bad jokes, had fun. Drinking with your kid for the first time instead of yelling at him for having a party when you are away is kind of cool, actually.

The next day we head up to Breckenridge staying at a friend's condo for $100/night (normally would have cost triple that). I rent skis and we head up to the top of the mountain. I'm pretty good but I make GS turns while my son goes right down the fall line making rapid turns like he's a hula girl or something. I have to stop 5 or 6 times because they have some sort of oxygen shortage in Colorado. Also my thighs are burning like Atlas. So Matthew (I call him Budweiser or Bud for short, Budweiser when he was at the plate batting and all the mothers thought I named my son after a beer) would stop periodically out of pity and just when I'd catch up to him the bastard would take off again (after calling me an old f*rt or something else equally endearing). On the chair lift we'd argue who was better - I'd say that technically I was a better skier and he'd basically say that I ski like a girl. So I'd say tell that to Picabo Steaks and he'd say so you're telling me you are worse than a girl. That kind of bonding.

I know this is kind of disjointed and probably more than you wanted to know anyway, but I haven't really gotten to the good part yet and I've got to go pick up my wife from work so I'll finish later if you don't mind. This could be days from now cause she hates it when I'm on the computer at home. Bye

 

Re: Chapter 2

Posted by Susan47 on March 1, 2005, at 18:56:44

In reply to Chapter 2, posted by Toph on March 1, 2005, at 17:15:10

I was really enjoying that, Toph. I see you being guys together.

 

Re: Chapter 2

Posted by alexandra_k on March 1, 2005, at 19:21:24

In reply to Re: Chapter 2, posted by Susan47 on March 1, 2005, at 18:56:44

Yeah Toph, well done.
PS you didn't ever have to not like him, just not like some of his behaviour...

;-)

 

Re: Chapter 3

Posted by Toph on March 1, 2005, at 21:59:16

In reply to Chapter 2, posted by Toph on March 1, 2005, at 17:15:10

So I make a big mistake. I say, Matthew I hope you really apply yourself in trying to be a physical therapist because you don't want to end up being a bartender the rest of your life. What I meant was that I love you and I think you could be whatever you want, but he hears, Matthew you are a stupid bartender and I want you to be a physical therapist so you can make a lot of money. We are 100 ft off the ground in a chair lift and I have plunged a mortal wound into my son's heart. We didn't really talk much for two days, a male thing, at least in my family. I make him breakfast every morning which he kind of appreciates I guess, because he scarfs it down. I start getting my wind and my body starts to strengthen so I begin to keep up with him more on the mountain. I swallow my pride and confess that his skiing fast straight down the precipice takes greater skill than my making pretty turns which is is almost like admitting that he is better than me. We go out every night for dinner which is exorbitant. I begin to notice that we aren't laughing much. A weird aside, I'm sitting on a chairlift with a whole world of white capped mountains and gorgeous blue sky all around us, on vacation with no pressures from work, and damn if I don't start thinking about people I've never even met. Yeah, you guys. Is that sick or what?

On the way to the airport, I think about what important things needed to be said before we part for a long time. I explain that I wanted to clear the air about the whole bartending thing. I tell him that I just want him to follow his dreams and to do well at whatever comes his way. I tell him that I was so very impressed at how independent he is, surrounded by good friends, performing well in school, and trusted and appreciated by his employer. I told him that he has apparently a terrific girlfriend who must care for him a lot (they call each other at least twice per day). She lives in Los Angeles and works as a production assistant but wants to be an actress. All the while I'm talking, he doesn't say anything which makes me think he doesn't really care about what I am saying. Then when we arrive at the terminal he turns and says, Dad I'm really glad you came. I know this was expensive, thanks, I had a good time. So I said, I love you, Matthew. And he says, I love you too, Dad. He spreads his arms out to give me a hug (not something done by males in my family) and we embrace which isn't easy to do in his little Corolla. I slept soundly all the way back to Chicago.

It's amazing to me how we screw up the things we care the most about. And its amazing how taking the risk of admitting our failings and weaknesses can mend a world of hurt. I would have held old misconceptions about my son as selfish and immature had I not seen his growth first hand.

It's a sobering experience when your kid teaches you a thing or two about yourself.

Toph

 

Re: Chapter 3

Posted by Susan47 on March 1, 2005, at 22:26:27

In reply to Re: Chapter 3, posted by Toph on March 1, 2005, at 21:59:16

Yes, I have those experiences with my youngest children, they're eight and ten, but I hurt their trust in themselves sometimes by saying the wrong thing. That used to make me angry with myself, then I'd be super quiet and it would make everything worse for them; when I finally realized that, then I learned to talk about the thing I'd said that caused the discord. And they were healed, and happy right away. It's nice that you can do that now; some parents never achieve that with their kids, so you're ahead of the game. I'll bet your son really trusts you. You had an awesome weekend in the end, didn't you. Because you put your heart out there and you trusted your son with it, and he gave you his heart, his trust, in return. Go, Toph. Here, let me be your cheerleader :-) you're awesome. Would you be my dad?

 

Re: Chapter 3

Posted by Toph on March 1, 2005, at 22:53:15

In reply to Re: Chapter 3, posted by Susan47 on March 1, 2005, at 22:26:27

>You had an awesome weekend in the end, didn't you?. Because you put your heart out there and you trusted your son with it, and he gave you his heart, his trust, in return...

Thanks susan. I kind of focused on the good parts, the positive changes I saw in my son. Truth be told, I have so many regrets as a father, too many to list. I just wanted you to know that I was so relieved that he is turning out OK dispite me.

>Go, Toph... Would you be my dad?

Sure, but I'm strict, bad girls must be spanked.


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