![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by alexandra_k on February 25, 2005, at 23:11:01
But a different kind of boulder.
That ones not inside me
It's hanging round my neck.
Has anyone heard of 'Sysiphus' (probably spelt that wrong)?
He was defiant to the gods and to they sentanced him
To push a large boulder up to the top of mount olympus (in the afterworld).
Once he had succeeded in pushing it all the way up
The gods (or maybe it was Zeus) pushed it back down
And he had to go and fetch it
And push it up again
For all eternity.
He is a tragic hero.
He did not let it get him down.
He is defiant still
They could not break him.Camus wrote a book "The Myth of Sysiphus" (though the link won't come through if I have spelt it incorrectly).
It begins with (lets see what my dodgey memory can come up with this time):
There is but one serious philosophical question: that of suicide. Are we morally obliged to kill ourself?
He considers that we live in a world where god has abandoned us. We are cursed to decide our own path. We are cursed to be free. We never asked for any of that.
And so: are we obliged to kill ourselves in protest?
He ends up concluding that we are not.
We would be better to live in a spirit of defiance.One of my old t's mentioned it to me.
She thought Camus might give me reasons that she could not.
She was right.But the temptation is to let the rock roll down
And crush us on its way past...
Posted by Damos on February 27, 2005, at 15:48:18
In reply to Depression is a boulder too..., posted by alexandra_k on February 25, 2005, at 23:11:01
((((Alexandra_k))))
I remember that story too, and don't know the correct spelling either.
There was a time when I truly believed that the right and proper thing to do was to kill myself. I was a little younger than you are now and had spent a long time finding reasons to drag myself through every new day. What has always amazed me is that no-one else seemed to notice. So I'm glad you had at least one teacher who did.
Have I run outside and screamed at the sky? Oh, yeah on more than one occasion. Have I stood outside in thunderstorms and cried out "come on do your worst", absolutely. Has something happened each and every time I've wanted to admit defeat and given me a reason to go on? Yep. Does it annoy the h*ll out of me. You better believe it.
Are there still days when I want to race down stairs and play with the traffic - more than I care to admit. But for some reason I don't ( I do, I'm just really bad at it!) :-)
&*%^%&%^^& this probably really hasn't been any help what so ever has it? I've obviously just fallen in love with sound of my own typing.
Believe me kiddo, the fact that you come to this place and make so many people laugh and smile, and challenge and stimulate them intellectually, and support them emotionally is enough reason to go on. It might not seem like, but it is. Each of our worlds would be slightly the poorer without you in it. So you just keep on dodging that rock okay.
Puppy Magee sends a big tail wag!
Posted by alexandra_k on February 28, 2005, at 4:01:41
In reply to Re: Depression is a boulder too... » alexandra_k, posted by Damos on February 27, 2005, at 15:48:18
> So I'm glad you had at least one teacher who did.
That was my therapist.
> Has something happened each and every time I've wanted to admit defeat and given me a reason to go on? Yep. Does it annoy the h*ll out of me. You better believe it.Yeah. That is a bugger that. Ambivalence. Cognitive dissonance. Yuk. If you manage to make up your mind one way or the other then there is a strange sense of calm... Numbness... Resolution...
But something comes along.
It is only a bugger if you think that the 'something' is just a brief respite from the reality of your existence which is unbearable pain and suffering. If you look at it the other way - that depression is just a brief divergence from the okayness of existence then it ain't so bad. But even the lenses seem to change.When I am down I forget there was such a thing as existence without the pain.
Or I think that at those times when I thought life was okay - well, that was the time I was deluding myself.
> Are there still days when I want to race down stairs and play with the traffic - more than I care to admit. But for some reason I don't ( I do, I'm just really bad at it!) :-):-)
I am glad you are still around.
I am glad I get to talk to you.
> &*%^%&%^^& this probably really hasn't been any help what so ever has it? I've obviously just fallen in love with sound of my own typing.Na. You are doing great :-)
> Believe me kiddo, the fact that you come to this place and make so many people laugh and smile, and challenge and stimulate them intellectually, and support them emotionally is enough reason to go on. It might not seem like, but it is. Each of our worlds would be slightly the poorer without you in it. So you just keep on dodging that rock okay.And you too.
I am glad you are here.
(I know I said that already but just think of it as a form of affirmation)> Puppy Magee sends a big tail wag!
Who?
Have you got another one??
Posted by Damos on February 28, 2005, at 16:11:36
In reply to Re: Depression is a boulder too... » Damos, posted by alexandra_k on February 28, 2005, at 4:01:41
I know it's very forward of me to ask, but is there particular name or way you prefer to be addressed?
Never had a therapist, just way to private I guess. Do you think they've helped?
How is it that you manage to capture exactly what I am thinking? I have to admit that you express it infinitely more eloquently than I ever could.
One of the hardest day for me was when I realised there was no me. There was just this collection of characters I'd created and cobbled together to enable me to get through each day with minimal externally obvious trauma. I have these flashes of memories of happiness but I don't know if they are real or imagined. I mean I don't know whether I was really happy or just pretending to be so someone else wouldn't be upset. Sadly I know now with absolute certainty that most of the 'happiness' I've had in relationships has been imagined and in complete denial of the truth of what was really happening. Sad, but true.
Can you believe I gave my first spontaneous hug last Christmas.
My depression is like a black inky ocean of despair where there is no up or down, jus this cold inky blackness.
My parents dog actually saved me just after loosing Katie. Things were rapidly approaching the end but she was barking and scratching at the bedroom door and I realised that I hadn't fed her. So I did, and her total joy and happiness just broke the spell and I held her in my arms and cried for a few hours instead. I was so lucky.
I'm really glad that you're around too
I'm also really, really glad that I have the chance to talk to you too. Know that there is nothing you can't ask me. There might be some things though that are just too hard to answer.Thanks alexandra_k, but I think great is probably giving me a little to much credit. I'm doing better and that's what matters.
Re the rocks. Just check that you're not standing a valley and they're rolling them at you from both sides, cause it's a real bugger when you jump out of the path of one straight into the path of the other ;-)
I'm glad you're here too too (affirmation rebound)
Ah, Puppy Magee is one of Sarah's many dogsonalities. She has about a hundred names and knows them all. She also sleeps on daddy's bed - lucky girl.
(((((alexandra_k))))) plus a big dogs kiss.
Posted by alexandra_k on February 28, 2005, at 17:57:10
In reply to Re: Depression is a boulder too... » alexandra_k, posted by Damos on February 28, 2005, at 16:11:36
> I know it's very forward of me to ask, but is there particular name or way you prefer to be addressed?
Nah, I don't mind - so long as it is civil ;-)
> Never had a therapist, just way to private I guess. Do you think they've helped?
Hmm. Some more than others. In my experience good therapists are hard to come by. But then I have been stuck with the public service and the form of therapy they provide is often not very well suited to me. Also they really are very overworked. I guess that means they tend to burn out faster than usual even...
> One of the hardest day for me was when I realised there was no me. There was just this collection of characters I'd created and cobbled together to enable me to get through each day with minimal externally obvious trauma.All the worlds a stage and all the men and women merely players [actors]... Not sure where this came from.. Midsummer Nights Dream???
It is hard to be so very aware of this in ones own case, though. And different people have more or less differences between their various roles..
>I have these flashes of memories of happiness but I don't know if they are real or imagined. I mean I don't know whether I was really happy or just pretending to be so someone else wouldn't be upset. Sadly I know now with absolute certainty that most of the 'happiness' I've had in relationships has been imagined and in complete denial of the truth of what was really happening. Sad, but true.
Yes... It is hard to figure what 'happiness' really is.. What it really means.. Does a two minute respite while you get caught up in watching the news or something count as the absence of pain / suffering?? What about when we are asleep?? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know if we can 'delude' ourselves that we are happy. But we certainly can rework a memory of it and conclude we never were 'really' happy..
> Can you believe I gave my first spontaneous hug last Christmas.
You gave one :-)
Did it feel good??
(They get less awkward as you get used to 'em)> My depression is like a black inky ocean of despair where there is no up or down, jus this cold inky blackness.
Yeah. I get you.
> My parents dog actually saved me just after loosing Katie. Things were rapidly approaching the end but she was barking and scratching at the bedroom door and I realised that I hadn't fed her. So I did, and her total joy and happiness just broke the spell and I held her in my arms and cried for a few hours instead. I was so lucky.
Animals are great aren't they?? I used to have dogs. No more though. I found them a really good home with a lady who spoils them rotten (perhaps not tooooo good for them but I guess they are loved). They have 2 acres fully fenced to run around on. Better than I can provide for them. They need lots of room to run (I am fond of border collies). I used to do dog obedience and agility training with them. But they were getting cabin fever (developing anxious habits) on my half site section. I walked 'em twice a day but they need to be running around ALL day. I can't keep up with 'em anymore. They probably don't even remember who I am any more.
> I'm really glad that you're around too
> I'm also really, really glad that I have the chance to talk to you too. Know that there is nothing you can't ask me. There might be some things though that are just too hard to answer.Sure. Me too.
> I'm doing better and that's what matters.
yeah. And it will get better still. We have to have faith, we simply must. And when you run out then mine is still there for you, ok??
> Re the rocks. Just check that you're not standing a valley and they're rolling them at you from both sides, cause it's a real bugger when you jump out of the path of one straight into the path of the other ;-):-)
> Ah, Puppy Magee is one of Sarah's many dogsonalities. She has about a hundred names and knows them all. She also sleeps on daddy's bed - lucky girl.Ah. I understand.
Give her a hug from me.> (((((alexandra_k))))) plus a big dogs kiss.
(((Damos)))
(((Sarah)))What sort of dog is she???
Posted by Damos on February 28, 2005, at 20:46:50
In reply to Re: Depression is a boulder too... » Damos, posted by alexandra_k on February 28, 2005, at 17:57:10
> Nah, I don't mind - so long as it is civil ;-)
In that case, Hey Kiddo :-)
> Hmm. Some more than others. In my experience good therapists are hard to come by. But then I have been stuck with the public service and the form of therapy they provide is often not very well suited to me. Also they really are very overworked. I guess that means they tend to burn out faster than usual even...
Hmm, thought that might be the case. Guess it's why I've just stuck with my G.P. and P Doc. thought don't see much of him. Must be hard for you, because I imagine much of the potential for success depends onthe ability to establish a relationship, rapport and understanding over time.
> All the worlds a stage and all the men and women merely players [actors]... Not sure where this came from.. Midsummer Nights Dream???
Yep, absolutely right. Not sure which play either :-)
> It is hard to be so very aware of this in ones own case, though. And different people have more or less differences between their various roles..It does get really hard remembering which "who" you are supposed/expected to be at an given time, and it just plain gets tiring keeping up appearences.
> Yes... It is hard to figure what 'happiness' really is.. What it really means.. Does a two minute respite while you get caught up in watching the news or something count as the absence of pain / suffering?? What about when we are asleep?? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know if we can 'delude' ourselves that we are happy. But we certainly can rework a memory of it and conclude we never were 'really' happy..Yeah I know what you mean. If only life came with the appropriate signposts ;-) I think one of the difficulties is that yes I was happy at the time, but now being able to look objectively at the event I put serious effort in at the time to make it appear how I wanted it to be and not how it really was. Pity.
> You gave one :-)
> Did it feel good??I did! It did! Just a friend I hadn't see for a while and it just seemed the most natural thing in the world. It was really odd about 10 seconds afterward when I realised what I'd done. I actually went and apologised later in case I'd been overly familiar and caused offence. Boy am I weird or what. Luckily I hadn't, we had a long conversation about it and had a good laugh.
> (They get less awkward as you get used to 'em)That's good to know. The whole physical thing is just a complete minefield and mystery for me. But I'm trying.
> Yeah. I get you.
Thanks.
> Animals are great aren't they?? I used to have dogs. No more though. I found them a really good home with a lady who spoils them rotten (perhaps not tooooo good for them but I guess they are loved). They have 2 acres fully fenced to run around on. Better than I can provide for them. They need lots of room to run (I am fond of border collies). I used to do dog obedience and agility training with them. But they were getting cabin fever (developing anxious habits) on my half site section. I walked 'em twice a day but they need to be running around ALL day. I can't keep up with 'em anymore. They probably don't even remember who I am any more.Oh boy I bet they love that! Border Collies are such wonderful dogs, bet you miss them. I think you'd be surprised. It was 7 years between my seeing Michelle's dogs (one of which is a border collie - Dylan) and he recognised me and was so excited. Michelle actually said she was amazed by the way he reacted to me like a long lost friend.
> yeah. And it will get better still. We have to have faith, we simply must. And when you run out then mine is still there for you, ok??Same here okay??? Promise???? Uncross your fingers you cheeky girl :-)
> :-)
Right back atya kid!> Ah. I understand.
> Give her a hug from me.Will do!
(((((alexandra_k))))) plus a big dogs kiss.> What sort of dog is she???
English Pointer - sensitive spotty dog.Take care hey.
P.S: Love your challenges on Social. The joys of being self aware and able to choose our response to any given stimulus. You've got a great mind alexandra_k and your "Animal Rights" thread has caused me to tear and intellectual hamstring! But I love it, love it, love it. Ever read anything by "Dr David Bohm"?
Take care,
Damos
Posted by alexandra_k on February 28, 2005, at 21:02:38
In reply to Re: Depression is a boulder too... » alexandra_k, posted by Damos on February 28, 2005, at 20:46:50
> In that case, Hey Kiddo :-)
Hey Mr Man :-)
> Hmm, thought that might be the case. Guess it's why I've just stuck with my G.P. and P Doc.
> Oh no no no - not for you!!! You live in Sydney!! You should be able to get good care on the public system, shouldn't you??? I would do better in Auckland.. Or most of the cities in Australia... It is just that I am not in a 'proper' city..
>thought don't see much of him. Must be hard for you, because I imagine much of the potential for success depends onthe ability to establish a relationship, rapport and understanding over time.
Yeah. Not much chance of that happening ;-)
> It does get really hard remembering which "who" you are supposed/expected to be at an given time, and it just plain gets tiring keeping up appearences.Yeah. And if anyone tells me I can 'act my way into feeling different' one more time I shall SCREAM at them, I swear..
> Yeah I know what you mean. If only life came with the appropriate signposts ;-)Ah. But then we would need a map of how to 'interpret' the signposts.. And then another map of how we interpret the map and so on.. (Wittgenstein). Point is we just do go on and find our way.. Tis our 'form' of life...
>I think one of the difficulties is that yes I was happy at the time, but now being able to look objectively at the event I put serious effort in at the time to make it appear how I wanted it to be and not how it really was. Pity.
So you were happier than you are now.. Though things weren't perfect??
> That's good to know. The whole physical thing is just a complete minefield and mystery for me. But I'm trying.
Yeah. It is hard for me too.
But I am sure it is even harder for Aussie Blokes ;-)
> Oh boy I bet they love that! Border Collies are such wonderful dogs, bet you miss them. I think you'd be surprised. It was 7 years between my seeing Michelle's dogs (one of which is a border collie - Dylan) and he recognised me and was so excited. Michelle actually said she was amazed by the way he reacted to me like a long lost friend.I saw them maybe 3 years after. They seemed to recognise me somewhat.. But look to their new owner the way they used to look to me.. Didn't mind when I left.. Still, they are happy.
> > yeah. And it will get better still. We have to have faith, we simply must. And when you run out then mine is still there for you, ok??
> Same here okay??? Promise???? Uncross your fingers you cheeky girl :-)Heh heh. Yeah, ok.
> English Pointer - sensitive spotty dog.Hmm. I am trying to picture that... I know what English Springer Spaniels look like.. But I can't picture a pointer.. If I were to get another dog I would like an Irish Setter or an English Springer, I think... Not quite as smart as the border collies. But a tendancy to be more affectionate and slightly less active.
> Take care hey.
You to.
> Ever read anything by "Dr David Bohm"?
Nope.
I first encountered the animal rights arguments about 7 years ago as an undergraduate. Felt bad and a bit guilty... But continued on the same regardless. Only October last year I decided the cognitive dissonance was too much for me... Made easier with my officemate being vegan.
And I have just finished marking essays on that. So I am in Ethics mode at the moment... ;-)
Posted by Damos on February 28, 2005, at 23:41:52
In reply to Re: Depression is a boulder too... » Damos, posted by alexandra_k on February 28, 2005, at 21:02:38
> Hey Mr Man :-)
Hey yourself :-)
> > Oh no no no - not for you!!! You live in Sydney!! You should be able to get good care on the public system, shouldn't you??? I would do better in Auckland.. Or most of the cities in Australia... It is just that I am not in a 'proper' city..Should be the case, but because I work I have to be privately insured and pay through the nose for everything or join a list and wait for everything. Maybe it's just I like to do things the hard way and work them out for myself. Might also be that I have a tendency to be just a tad cynical and sceptical. ;-)
> Yeah. Not much chance of that happening ;-)Sorry to hear that :-(
> Yeah. And if anyone tells me I can 'act my way into feeling different' one more time I shall SCREAM at them, I swear..AAARRRRRRHHHHHHHH, don't you just hate that - what are they thinking??????? My personal favorite was "You just choose to be like that." HELLO - like anyone would choose to be like this EEEYYYAAAHH
> Ah. But then we would need a map of how to 'interpret' the signposts.. And then another map of how we interpret the map and so on.. (Wittgenstein). Point is we just do go on and find our way.. Tis our 'form' of life...
E-knee, Me-knee, My-knee, Mo, round and round and round we go!
> So you were happier than you are now.. Though things weren't perfect??No, I was just denying that the problems existed and believing that the absence of things and feelings I thought should have been there was just something wrong with me.
> Yeah. It is hard for me too.
> But I am sure it is even harder for Aussie Blokes ;-)I'm really sorry to hear that.
I'm sure the thought police are rounding up my first thought in response to this. I somehow doubt it though. Touch and physical intimacy issues must be harder for a woman as we men place so much unfair pressure/expectation/resposibility/blame on you. I'm getting better with the polite social stuff. Anything more is not much of an issue for me since I haven't been in that position for just over a decade.
> I saw them maybe 3 years after. They seemed to recognise me somewhat.. But look to their new owner the way they used to look to me.. Didn't mind when I left.. Still, they are happy.And you must've felt good seeing them happy??
> Hmm. I am trying to picture that... I know what English Springer Spaniels look like.. But I can't picture a pointer.. If I were to get another dog I would like an Irish Setter or an English Springer, I think... Not quite as smart as the border collies. But a tendancy to be more affectionate and slightly less active.A lot like a Springer but a short coat. Just such a beautiful sensitive nature.
> I first encountered the animal rights arguments about 7 years ago as an undergraduate. Felt bad and a bit guilty... But continued on the same regardless. Only October last year I decided the cognitive dissonance (Brain Cramp) was too much for me... Made easier with my officemate being vegan.Couldn't do the vegan thing - too many food alergies. But I admire you for trying :-)
> And I have just finished marking essays on that. So I am in Ethics mode at the moment... ;-)Well I didn't think an intellectual pygmy like me would add too much to the debate so stayed out of it. Trying to find sufficient time to enter it is also a problem. But it did take me for a fun ride looking at the "leaps of abstraction" and the way we use labels to explain and interpret reality, to the tyranny of opposites and the whole self awareness, sentient being thing. Just lapped it up. You are a remarkably interesting young lady and I think those you are tutoring are very lucky to have you.
Sleep tight dear lady.
>
Posted by alexandra_k on March 1, 2005, at 15:49:21
In reply to Re: Depression is a boulder too... » alexandra_k, posted by Damos on February 28, 2005, at 23:41:52
> Should be the case, but because I work I have to be privately insured and pay through the nose for everything or join a list and wait for everything.
Sure you do... Everybody has to join a list and wait... If you join a list now then waiting won't be so hard... You could join and then go and meet someone when they become available and then never go back if you don't like 'em very much. But isn't it worth a shot??? You might find it helpful to be able to talk to someone IRL.
>Maybe it's just I like to do things the hard way and work them out for myself. Might also be that I have a tendency to be just a tad cynical and sceptical. ;-)
Ah. Commendable attributes IMO :-)
But sometimes a little help can be helpful...
> AAARRRRRRHHHHHHHH, don't you just hate that - what are they thinking??????? My personal favorite was "You just choose to be like that." HELLO - like anyone would choose to be like this EEEYYYAAAHHYeah...
> No, I was just denying that the problems existed and believing that the absence of things and feelings I thought should have been there was just something wrong with me.
Oh. I understand. I fair chunk of my life was like that too..
> Touch and physical intimacy issues must be harder for a woman as we men place so much unfair pressure/expectation/resposibility/blame on you.Ah, but guys don't hug - remember???
> I'm getting better with the polite social stuff. Anything more is not much of an issue for me since I haven't been in that position for just over a decade.
Yeah. I am getting a bit better at the social stuff too. Also getting better with drawing a bit of a line and saying 'it isn't worth it to me'. Not feeling bad for the amount of time I want to spend by myself or on the computer or whatever ;-)
> And you must've felt good seeing them happy??Yeah. Just a bit sad to have lost their attachment to me. But happy for them, yeah.
> A lot like a Springer but a short coat. Just such a beautiful sensitive nature.yeah. Sensitive and friendly. Spaniels are great. And pointers too by the sounds of it. Does she point?
> Couldn't do the vegan thing - too many food alergies. But I admire you for trying :-)What are you allergic to??
How about vegetarian??
(marks for persistence) ;-)
> Well I didn't think an intellectual pygmy like me would add too much to the debate so stayed out of it.Oh no, the more thoughts the merrier..
>Trying to find sufficient time to enter it is also a problem.
Fair enough.
>I think those you are tutoring are very lucky to have you.
Oh, I didn't tutor 'em, just failed 'em ;-)
Just kidding... I just did a bit of marking for the course... Tutoring starts up for me on Monday... Eep. It is fairly daunting when you have a roomful of new people.
> Sleep tight dear lady.You too.
Posted by Damos on March 1, 2005, at 20:41:26
In reply to Re: Depression is a boulder too... » Damos, posted by alexandra_k on March 1, 2005, at 15:49:21
> Sure you do... Everybody has to join a list and wait... If you join a list now then waiting won't be so hard... You could join and then go and meet someone when they become available and then never go back if you don't like 'em very much. But isn't it worth a shot??? You might find it helpful to be able to talk to someone IRL.
I guess for me the problem with waiting is that it gives me too much time to talk myself out of it. Done it all my life - missed a lot of things because of it, but am slowly getting better. Guess that's why I like my Dr cause he's known me for nearly 20 years so understands pretty much all the dynamics. I'm not gonna tell you how long I sat wondering what IRL was - Doh :-)
> Ah. Commendable attributes IMO :-)
> But sometimes a little help can be helpful...And might I just say that this little black duck greatly values your opinion. Yeh I know what you mean. Just always found it hard to ask (environment issues/influences - mostly father)
> Oh. I understand. I fair chunk of my life was like that too..It's kinda scary when I think that nearly 25 years have gone by like this.
> Ah, but guys don't hug - remember???
And that dear girl is part of the problem. Can only remember 3 man-to-man hugs. Me on Grandfather just before he passed away telling him I loved him and it was okay to go. Me on Michelle's son Jace. Kid has had a pretty tough life and just so needs to know that someone really does love him just the way he is and is always glad to see him. My mate John on me after a very long period of talking trying to convince him that killing himself and his wife was not something he should be thinking about and convincing him to go and get help - which he did.
> Yeah. I am getting a bit better at the social stuff too. Also getting better with drawing a bit of a line and saying 'it isn't worth it to me'. Not feeling bad for the amount of time I want to spend by myself or on the computer or whatever ;-)Good for you ;-) I'm also finally getting better at setting boundaries and "calling" people who violate my trust and/or boundaries.
> Yeah. Just a bit sad to have lost their attachment to me. But happy for them, yeah.Well I hope that someday soon you'll have a place where you can have some puppy pals of your own again :-)
> yeah. Sensitive and friendly. Spaniels are great. And pointers too by the sounds of it. Does she point?
Oh yeah! It's the funniest thing when she's stalking a lizard or bug or something and suddenly busts into a "point". She's so rigid she actually shakes. Sweet baby.
> What are you allergic to??
> How about vegetarian??
> (marks for persistence) ;-)Bunch of stuff, soy included found that out when I was taken of dairy products age 10 or so. Nut are the worst - they've nearly sent me off to Lucifer a couple of times. Not much fun. Too many others to list.
> Oh no, the more thoughts the merrier..I had literally pages of stuff I was thinking about, but it kinda resembled an exploding star with energy and matter going at the speed of light in all directions. But thank for providing the stimulation and desire to to contribute. Have to do a lot of my posting from the Kinkos store under the office at lunch-time as the PC at home is dead and feel guilty about using too much work time.
> Oh, I didn't tutor 'em, just failed 'em ;-)
You wish, cheeky girl!!!!!! ;-)> Just kidding... I just did a bit of marking for the course... Tutoring starts up for me on Monday... Eep. It is fairly daunting when you have a roomful of new people.
You have my sympathy to be sure. You'll be great, I know it.
You would have loved a friend of mine who sadly passed away a while back had a Masters in Bioethics and a couple of others that I just can't remember. We used to have the greatest talks. David Bohm would have described them as dialogues (an unfolding of shared meaning).Oh yeah, after your happier then or now question I decided to do some objective assessment and the results were quite surprising. I am quite definitely happier now (the crowd cheers) :-). I've still a lot to work through and sort out but I smile now (quite a bit according to some of those interviewed), and this smiling is internal, to myself, at and with others. I look ahead of me as I walk down the street instead of at my shoes and actually smile at complete strangers and sometimes even get a smile in return (unimaginable not so long ago). I appear "lighter" to some people, one even remarked that I appear taller. I know I am more authentic for want of a better word and way to describe it. My appearance and behaviour are true to how I'm feeling at the time. And the list goes on. you might have guessed by now that I'm having a good day. :-) When people who have know you for a long time can see the difference it makes it all worthwhile and it's nice to have what you were trying to believe about yourself confirmed. I am more me now that at any time in my life.
Hey WAKE UP!!!!!!! he, he, he
How are things working out with the living arrangements, any progress????
Well, have a great evening and night dear heart. thanks for listening.
((((alexandra_k)))))
Posted by alexandra_k on March 3, 2005, at 3:41:13
In reply to Re: Depression is a boulder too... » alexandra_k, posted by Damos on March 1, 2005, at 20:41:26
> I guess for me the problem with waiting is that it gives me too much time to talk myself out of it.
But you could just forget about it until the appointment comes up... Then you only have to go once... You could stop whenever you like and you wouldn't have lost anything.
> I'm not gonna tell you how long I sat wondering what IRL was - Doh :-)
I wondered for a good couple of hours the first time I saw it too :-)
> Just always found it hard to ask (environment issues/influences - mostly father)Ah. I have the opposite problem I guess...
> It's kinda scary when I think that nearly 25 years have gone by like this.But you are still here. You are doing well.
> > Ah, but guys don't hug - remember???
> And that dear girl is part of the problem.Yeah. Women are supposed to hug a bit more... Not that I like to most of the time. But things are starting to change for guys. Less homophobia etc. And a growing realisation that you don't have to be gay to want a hug.
> I'm also finally getting better at setting boundaries and "calling" people who violate my trust and/or boundaries.
Good for you :-)
> Well I hope that someday soon you'll have a place where you can have some puppy pals of your own again :-)Yeah. One day. Probably not for quite a while though.
> Oh yeah! It's the funniest thing when she's stalking a lizard or bug or something and suddenly busts into a "point". She's so rigid she actually shakes. Sweet baby.
:-) Dogs are funny... One of mine used to point a little which was bizzare - her being a herding dog and all... But I bet yours points much more intensely... That must look pretty funny :-)
> Bunch of stuff, soy included found that out when I was taken of dairy products age 10 or so. Nut are the worst - they've nearly sent me off to Lucifer a couple of times. Not much fun. Too many others to list.:-( Yuk. That must be pretty horrid. I don't think I have a single allergy. Just a brief (three day) bout of hayfever once (this year). But thats it.
> I had literally pages of stuff I was thinking about, but it kinda resembled an exploding star with energy and matter going at the speed of light in all directions.:-)
>But thank for providing the stimulation and desire to to contribute. Have to do a lot of my posting from the Kinkos store under the office at lunch-time as the PC at home is dead and feel guilty about using too much work time.
Hmm. Yeah. I use a lot in work time... Oh well. I don't claim to be working, but I am only supposed to use the internet for tutoring or research. I suppose I would attempt to justify it as research if I had to defend it.. They might not consider it good enough to justify the SIZE of the bill, though.
> > Oh, I didn't tutor 'em, just failed 'em ;-)
> You wish, cheeky girl!!!!!! ;-)Yeah. Only one fail in the whole bunch! And that was because there wasn't an approved extension and they didn't attach a bibliography. Once that got sorted they all passed. Not that they all passed the course, but at least I didn't have to fail anyone (it is never very nice doing that).
> You would have loved a friend of mine who sadly passed away a while back had a Masters in Bioethics and a couple of others that I just can't remember. We used to have the greatest talks. David Bohm would have described them as dialogues (an unfolding of shared meaning).:-) I am sure he could have taught me a thing or two about ethics... I only dabble there actually. More into philosophy of mind...
>I am quite definitely happier now (the crowd cheers) :-).It does indeed!
>I've still a lot to work through and sort out but I smile now (quite a bit according to some of those interviewed), and this smiling is internal, to myself, at and with others.
:-)
:-)
:-)>I look ahead of me as I walk down the street instead of at my shoes and actually smile at complete strangers and sometimes even get a smile in return (unimaginable not so long ago). I appear "lighter" to some people, one even remarked that I appear taller. I know I am more authentic for want of a better word and way to describe it. My appearance and behaviour are true to how I'm feeling at the time. And the list goes on.
Thats great! It is nice to reflect on the good when one is able... There always will be plenty of times where one is not...
>you might have guessed by now that I'm having a good day. :-) When people who have know you for a long time can see the difference it makes it all worthwhile and it's nice to have what you were trying to believe about yourself confirmed. I am more me now that at any time in my life.
Thats great!
Not that It isn't hard at times..
But I am glad that you are happier now.
And I hope you will be happier still in the future.
> How are things working out with the living arrangements, any progress????Ok. I am getting used to 'em. Quite like it here, actually :-) No car alarms for the past couple of nights so have decided to hold off the complaining. I'll see how bad it gets...
> Well, have a great evening and night dear heart. thanks for listening.You are welcome.
> ((((alexandra_k)))))
((((Damos)))))
Thanks for being so nice to me. I really appreciate it. It means a lot to me. I don't feel very verbal tonight. Bit of a hard day. But it really does mean a great deal to me. Thank you (((Damos)))
Posted by Damos on March 3, 2005, at 15:53:45
In reply to Re: Depression is a boulder too... » Damos, posted by alexandra_k on March 3, 2005, at 3:41:13
> But you could just forget about it until the appointment comes up... Then you only have to go once... You could stop whenever you like and you wouldn't have lost anything.
Me, just forget about it! LOL!!!! Took me 20+ years to admit I actually had a problem (Yeah, okay, more than one) :-/ It might be one of the reasons I gravitated to the 2 alternate therapists I see. They don't claim to have any answers, there's no processes they learned out of a text book to parrot back at me and they work work with integrating my whole self. Alison who is an energetic healer is amazing I wish I could send you telepathic images of the things that happen when she is just walking around the table passisng her hands over me (another good thing - no touching). She is also incredibly intuitive. Catherine is odd, but in the nicest possible way and she has helped me understand so much about how I (don't) relate well to others or the world in general and help me get better at it. I trusted my intuition in choosing them and think that if I just listen to my body I'll know when and what to do next (I hope).
> I wondered for a good couple of hours the first time I saw it too :-)So it's not just me then? Funny that I knew immediately what IMO meant - go figure.
> Ah. I have the opposite problem I guess...
I'm not so sure that's a problem, cause you never get what you don't ask for :-)
> But you are still here. You are doing well.
Yeah, you're right, I am and I am. Still a very long way to go on a long and winding road. Think part of it is learning to accept and enjoy the journey (bits of it anyway).
> Yeah. Women are supposed to hug a bit more... Not that I like to most of the time. But things are starting to change for guys. Less homophobia etc. And a growing realisation that you don't have to be gay to want a hug.Kinda think hugging is one of those you are or you're not things - which only makes it that much worse when you really need one, or see that someone you care about really needs one and you just don't know how to get across that gap. But at least now I try.
> Yeah. One day. Probably not for quite a while though.Well I'll be wishing it for you every day anyway ;-)
> :-) Dogs are funny... One of mine used to point a little which was bizzare - her being a herding dog and all... But I bet yours points much more intensely... That must look pretty funny :-)Oh yeah!!!!! I just can't believe how she points with her entire being. If I got myself so tense I'd shatter like a china plate.
Poor baby was under the bed from 6pm till 6am this morning as we had thunder and lightening all night and she gets very scared, poor little punkin didn't even have any dogs dinner =0)
> :-( Yuk. That must be pretty horrid. I don't think I have a single allergy. Just a brief (three day) bout of hayfever once (this year). But thats it.
Yeah it's not much fun discovering each new one by accident as a kid. Perfumes, colognes and deodorants can even send me into sneezing, wheezing hayfever like fits. But hey, I think you'd happily swap me some of your troubles for a couple of minor allergies.
> Hmm. Yeah. I use a lot in work time... Oh well. I don't claim to be working, but I am only supposed to use the internet for tutoring or research. I suppose I would attempt to justify it as research if I had to defend it.. They might not consider it good enough to justify the SIZE of the bill, though.
They've been really good to me here and I just don't want to abuse the relationship. Been here nearly 18 years, can you believe it.
> Yeah. Only one fail in the whole bunch! And that was because there wasn't an approved extension and they didn't attach a bibliography. Once that got sorted they all passed. Not that they all passed the course, but at least I didn't have to fail anyone (it is never very nice doing that).Knowing how I responded to "fails", I find anything like that really hard to give someone else.
> :-) I am sure he could have taught me a thing or two about ethics... I only dabble there actually. More into philosophy of mind...
He was amazing, very socially awkward and isolated but brilliant and so into history and languages (taught himslef to read and write Russian), and poetry and just so across so many things. The quantum leaps of logic and possiblilty used to have my eyes spinning in opposite directions.
> :-) Right back atcha triple strength
> :-) Right back atcha triple strength
> :-) Right back atcha triple strength
> Thats great! It is nice to reflect on the good when one is able... There always will be plenty of times where one is not...> Thats great!
> Not that It isn't hard at times..
> But I am glad that you are happier now.
> And I hope you will be happier still in the future.Thank you Alexandra, just taking one day at a time and trying not to get too ahead of my self (not that I'd necessarily recognise me if I took the time to stop and look back anyway):-)
> Ok. I am getting used to 'em. Quite like it here, actually :-) No car alarms for the past couple of nights so have decided to hold off the complaining. I'll see how bad it gets...You just make sure you're always looking after you, okay.
> You are welcome. Thank you!!!!!!
>
> > ((((alexandra_k)))))
> Thanks for being so nice to me. I really appreciate it. It means a lot to me. I don't feel very verbal tonight. Bit of a hard day. But it really does mean a great deal to me. Thank you (((Damos)))It is truly my pleasure Alexandra_k. It means a lot to me to be able to talk to you too. Bit of a hard day - I thought it was the English who had the talent for understatement. In your place I would have been a ballistic missile with multiple indepentendly targetted warheads!!!!!! I thought you were pretty controlled given the circumstances.
((((alexandra_k))))
Sarah sends her love too.
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