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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by B2chica on August 25, 2004, at 10:42:56
i just want to sleep...forever.
it sounds so simple,
so sweet,
so gentle.
i place each pill gently on my tongue
slowly swallowing, my eyes softly closed.
gripping tightly, my fingers white,
the glass of cool water that pushes down my small round wish
to complete it's travels.
i repeat this four or five times as symbolic gestures,
then filling my palm with little white circles,
the circles ironically representing the cycle of life and death.
i intently shove them into my mouth,
my mouth so many times before sealed shut
with my voice ripped out.
i quickly cringe at the bitter taste filling my mouth
but swallow hard knowing the soft peace it will bring.
i relax.
my part is complete.
i wait.i don't understand,
i stay confused with these horrorful feelings of hurt
i had hoped with sickly excited anticipation
that knowing what was to come would clear my mind and heal the pain.
instead a nervousness,
an uncomfortable fear creeped within my muttled mind.my eyes flash and the haze disappears.
it wasn't real.
a rush feeling of relief comes
only to be quickly overpowered
by disappointment and sadness...of failure.Yet again, One more feeling of shame.
Posted by Scott in Vermont on August 25, 2004, at 12:09:31
In reply to just to sleep., posted by B2chica on August 25, 2004, at 10:42:56
B2,
The pain you convey in your poem was enough to make me leave my desk. I know that feeling. Trust me, I really do. The feeling of hating yourself because you don't want to die, hating yourself because you don't want to live, hating yourself because you can't die, hating yourself because you can't live.
I feel terribly selfish telling you to get help and get better when my last post was all about giving up. I have. I'm done. I'm giving up. I'm not taking any overt measures to make anything happen, because I'm too much of a coward to do anything. I don't want to accept the responsibility of making a deliberate and conscious "action". Which is odd I suppose, I've always been a "can do" sort of person. I haven't given this much thought, and I doubt that I will.
I've called my T and my Pdoc and advised them that they have been dismissed. I'm not taking my meds anymore. I expect the cold turkey crash to start hitting in a few days. That should be a barrel of fun, but really, it can't be any worse than the meds themselves. I've been on a ridiculous roller coaster for the last... 3 years? I'm finished. If this is how things are, then let them be this way.
You, however... well, here's where I become a hypocrite. I don't give a damn about myself but I have empathy for others. Your poem, and the pain in your poem, was frightening. I wish I could give you a hug that took the pain away, or wave a magic wand and make your world better, or SOMEthing... but I know that I cannot. Knowing that doesn't change how I feel, though. I want so much for you to get better. I want everyone on Babble to get better. I don't want anyone to fall to these damned conditions we have. We're all good people. No one here is making this up or wants to be like this. Everyone here wants to live a normal, reasonable, and productive life.
I hope you find your way, B2. I really do
Posted by B2chica on August 25, 2004, at 13:54:37
In reply to Re: just to sleep. » B2chica, posted by Scott in Vermont on August 25, 2004, at 12:09:31
Scott,
the ache and desire are so intense. I get some sick sense of ease from someone understanding yet i wish no one did.
i'm sorry if it upset you, yet...your knowing, your sharing somehow eases me. My desire to do this last night was So strong i just sat staring at my pile of drugs, hoping that my 2 months supply of xanax would voluntarily jump into my wretched bloody stomach like a wished penny tossed into a fountain.
i feel like such a constant failure not just to myself but to my husband, and lately especially at work. i can't seem to do even the smallest function either completely or correctly and i used to love my work, now i'm failing it and coworkers.>>"I don't want to accept the responsibility of making a deliberate and conscious "action".
You said this. you outwordly said what i feel inside. the thing is, i'm not depressed. i just know that it's time, i need out-i don't know how but yet i do. i want to yet i don't. for some reason i see you as very strong for saying those words out loud. For me it's like another secret i had to keep, making me feel like Yet again another failure.
Scott, i worry about you. Your crash. What were your T and pdoc reactions when you told them? Please if you can keep posting, even it it's only three or four words a day. Physically it could be dangerous, no?
And i don't want to see you as a hypocrite because that's my view entirely. I deserve suffering, pain even torture, i'll take it in a heartbeat. i sometimes wish i would be physically cut up and ripped to shreds and thrown into a dumpster where this ragged body belongs, to never be claimed. but i never am. Yet i wish no one else would even be slightly bruised.-And Scott. i'll take that hug. In fact i need it really bad, i ache to be held tightly all night. so tonight, in my mind we'll get together i'll get that hug and we will just sit over a couple beers. not talk about this crap or anything, just listen to tunes with our feet up...just be, just be who we are and be accepted. for one night i'd like that.
I need help. I need so many things, and it's happening so fast, there's so much that one day a week with my T is not enough yet that's all i can do. it's all i can do to get it out but still cant deal with it, it never leaves.
i'm sorry Scott.
"not strong enough to be suicidal b2c"
Posted by Scott in Vermont on August 25, 2004, at 14:49:40
In reply to Re: just to sleep. » Scott in Vermont, posted by B2chica on August 25, 2004, at 13:54:37
I'm just going to cut and paste your last post, sign my name to it, and call it my reply. I'm so far gone I can't even (rhymes with "trucking") kill myself.
We're disgusting. What the hell is wrong with us? Tell you what. You kill me, I'll kill you, problem solved. Deal?
Posted by B2chica on August 26, 2004, at 11:28:03
In reply to Re: just to sleep. » B2chica, posted by Scott in Vermont on August 25, 2004, at 14:49:40
now i'll cut and paste this. i'd say you've got a deal but i'd never harm you i don't think you deserve it, infact i wish i could hold your head in my palms and take all your pain away.
However, what if we just go to say...downtown Detroit? at about 2:30a.m. with our best clothes and any jewlery on? or maybe go to LA and wear the wrong colors in the right neighborhood? I mean how is it 8 year old children get caught in drive by's and someone like me...NOTHING???
> We're disgusting. What the hell is wrong with us?
-Quote of a lifetime.
Posted by Scott in Vermont on August 26, 2004, at 13:58:37
In reply to Re: just to sleep. » Scott in Vermont, posted by B2chica on August 26, 2004, at 11:28:03
Let's take this to socal before Dr. Bob does.
Posted by Susan47 on August 27, 2004, at 10:30:55
In reply to Re: just to sleep. » Scott in Vermont, posted by B2chica on August 26, 2004, at 11:28:03
Please look at us on the Social Board, we're talking to you too. We need you to read us. I don't know why we're like this but if we stop being here for each other, that's wrong.
Posted by Susan47 on August 27, 2004, at 10:35:04
In reply to Re: just to sleep. » Scott in Vermont, posted by B2chica on August 25, 2004, at 13:54:37
Do you know what a body cut to ribbons looks like? You don't want that. Really. There's nothing nice about a dead body. Keep yours alive (that sounds like an ad campaign slogan, yuck. Don't mean it that way) OKay now I'm seeing heads in stasis, living heads all talking and thinking with no bodies attached. Hmm. That's not what I mean either. Alive has to be more than just a talking head.
Posted by Susan47 on August 27, 2004, at 10:38:21
In reply to Re: just to sleep. » Scott in Vermont, posted by B2chica on August 26, 2004, at 11:28:03
Psst, B2, you said you want to hold Scott's head in your palms and take all his pain away. You're alive, you care. Ever worked in a hospice? Now That'll get you feeling close to death, and you won't be feeling like a failure, believe me. Give me a reaction already.
Posted by Dr. Bob on August 27, 2004, at 10:52:36
In reply to Re: just to sleep., posted by Scott in Vermont on August 26, 2004, at 13:58:37
> Let's take this to socal before Dr. Bob does.
Here's a link:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040820/msgs/382613.html
Thanks,
Bob
PS: How to redirect:
This is the end of the thread.
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