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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 7 to 31 of 80. Go back in thread:
Posted by SLS on June 29, 2018, at 7:18:51
In reply to Re: Are you okay scott?, posted by Lamdage22 on June 28, 2018, at 20:30:20
> Remind yourself that you are on this planet for a reason.
Thanks, Lamdage. Your support is important to me.
- Scott
Posted by SLS on June 29, 2018, at 12:59:45
In reply to Re: Are you okay scott? » SLS, posted by alexandra_k on June 28, 2018, at 21:37:16
> I'm sorry to hear that you have been in a very dark place. I am glad that you seem to be past the worst of it now, though. Life issues are hard for me, too. Do you want to talk about some of what is going on for you?
Life has passed me by. I have lived only moments of it a few hours or days at a time in remission. Pain and frustration. A life of vegetation. Lying in bed or on a couch for 40 years. My mind is dormant and my perceptions numbed to the world around me. No achievements. My contemporaries have had full lives and are now retiring. I have had nothing and could never catch up to ensure that I have care in old age. When I was young, my illness seemed to be but a temporary pause in my life. I had my whole life ahead of me. I dont any more. It is too late for me. I was born too early. What do I have to look forward to? Struggle? Frustration? Pain? Anxiety? Even were I to get better tomorrow, how would I accept the great loss? I have been in solitary confinement, imprisoned within bars that no man can penetrate or remove.
Mom might have Alzheimers. Her memory is getting worse. I dont know what to do. I dont know if I can deal with this. I dont know how I will deal with anything. I am too depressed. I have no more drive to get things done. Its too hard. I wish I could just live my life on the couch and not do anything. I want to sleep to escape. I dont think I can survive financially.
I am full of anxiety about these things and more. It is beginning to take its toll on me. The depression has become worse. How can I take care of myself? What happens as I grow older? I cant survive with the severe depression I have. I think I have had enough pain in my life. I cant struggle anymore. Im tired. I think about suicide. Who will take care of Mom? I cant take all of the responsibility. It is too much for me.
> Again, I am sorry that I wasn't more sensitive to you when you were going out of your way to try and help me, before.
Everything is fine. I don't even remember there being a problem.
I hope you can find an easier path with fewer obstacles.
- Scott
Posted by Lamdage22 on June 29, 2018, at 15:02:05
In reply to Re: Are you okay scott? » alexandra_k, posted by SLS on June 29, 2018, at 12:59:45
That sounds so frustrating. Your depression seems to be worse than mine. I always do to do lists.. Have you tried? You could do something easy first and then work your way up to the things that challenge you more. Baby steps. Every week you could do some more chores. And dont throw away the list(s). You can then look back on all the little successes you had and it will make you feel better. According to my computer i have done 1033 Chores since i started using the app.
I am frustrated too, but i think i will be rewarded for my endurance trying my best despite all symptoms i have.
What is your faith?
Posted by SLS on June 29, 2018, at 22:21:37
In reply to Re: Are you okay scott?, posted by Lamdage22 on June 29, 2018, at 15:02:05
> That sounds so frustrating. Your depression seems to be worse than mine. I always do to do lists.. Have you tried? You could do something easy first and then work your way up to the things that challenge you more. Baby steps. Every week you could do some more chores. And dont throw away the list(s). You can then look back on all the little successes you had and it will make you feel better. According to my computer i have done 1033 Chores since i started using the app.
>
> I am frustrated too, but i think i will be rewarded for my endurance trying my best despite all symptoms i have.
>
> What is your faith?I have a strong belief in God, although I don't really subscribe to any one religion. I am more spiritual than I am religious. My belief in God and spirituality have helped me to keep moving forward and avoid suicide. I worry, though, that I might lose my optimism and positive energy. Everyone has their breaking point.
I will try your recommendations. Thanks.
- Scott
Posted by sigismund on June 30, 2018, at 2:10:48
In reply to Re: Are you okay scott? » alexandra_k, posted by SLS on June 29, 2018, at 12:59:45
>Life has passed me by. I have lived only moments of it a few hours or days at a time in remission. Pain and frustration. A life of vegetation. Lying in bed or on a couch for 40 years. My mind is dormant and my perceptions numbed to the world around me. No achievements. My contemporaries have had full lives and are now retiring. I have had nothing and could never catch up to ensure that I have care in old age. When I was young, my illness seemed to be but a temporary pause in my life. I had my whole life ahead of me. I dont any more. It is too late for me. I was born too early. What do I have to look forward to? Struggle? Frustration? Pain? Anxiety? Even were I to get better tomorrow, how would I accept the great loss? I have been in solitary confinement, imprisoned within bars that no man can penetrate or remove.
Yes. Your words ring true. How to accept it? I want to acknowledge the way you feel..I'm not sure how being born later would have helped, but I do understand what you mean. Who knows anyway?
Posted by Lamdage22 on June 30, 2018, at 2:41:44
In reply to Re: Are you okay scott? » Lamdage22, posted by SLS on June 29, 2018, at 22:21:37
Well then you know that it is not too late at all... I dont think we can or should take a shortcut to whatever waits for us after this life.
Why did you stop volunteering? You said you were doing 7 hours a day which is pretty impressive. I cant do that right now. You had surgery? Its not an accusation i just want to understand your situation.
Posted by alexandra_k on June 30, 2018, at 3:37:09
In reply to Re: Are you okay scott? » alexandra_k, posted by SLS on June 29, 2018, at 12:59:45
> Life has passed me by. I have lived only moments of it a few hours or days at a time in remission. Pain and frustration. A life of vegetation. Lying in bed or on a couch for 40 years. My mind is dormant and my perceptions numbed to the world around me. No achievements. My contemporaries have had full lives and are now retiring. I have had nothing and could never catch up to ensure that I have care in old age. When I was young, my illness seemed to be but a temporary pause in my life. I had my whole life ahead of me. I dont any more. It is too late for me. I was born too early. What do I have to look forward to? Struggle? Frustration? Pain? Anxiety? Even were I to get better tomorrow, how would I accept the great loss? I have been in solitary confinement, imprisoned within bars that no man can penetrate or remove.
Wow. That resonates with me, also. I do have moments when I think / fear that my life is over, already. That the best of it has passed. That I missed out on things, somehow, made some wrong crucial decision choices.
I have been labouring a bit. Quite a bit. To get into Medical School. I feel like if I get to do that then things will be just starting out for me, again. A sense of optimism about that. There are different entry pathways to it, over here. And I have been down a couple of them, over the last few years. And no luck with that, so far. So I'm starting to feel... Old... And jaded with it. And quite a lot foolish. Like I'm delusional about it, somehow. Like I've fallen for some big scam that promises false hope. That it's just a way of trying to post-pone suicide for... Just one more year. This will be the year for me - right?
While I watch my hair turn greyer. My face turn mushier and the morning creases take most of the day to dissipate...
I think I hear where you are coming from.
But then I also really do think that people are living for longer, all of the time. Longer and physically healthier. And people are retiring from non-physically demanding (and repetative and toxic) work not because their bodies are worn out, anymore, but because they feel they have done their time with it. Earned their retirement. Had enough of it, already.
There is an aspect of retirement that strikes me as being more like the 35 or 40 year olds blowing smoke up the 17 and 18 year old's *ss*s to try and motivate them to get their *ss*s to the front line while the old fogies stay home because they could't possibly be up to the task...
Reading about 'old man strength'. The kind that has your Dad pick up an engine out of a car all by himself... The kinds of things the 18 year olds can't do (the kinds of things their egos and the smarts of the older generation has them believe they can and the older folks can't)...
I just mean to say that I'm really genuinely coming around to the idea that people have a lot more life in them for a lot longer than they would have us believe... That accepting things are over already...
Well, it doesn't have to be that way.
I do understand why people want to retire early when they got into work so young. They want to have a period of their life where they get to live and enjoy it. But I reckon that means that people who are a bit later to get started can do their working closer to the other end.
I really did think.. With all my Arts focus and art friends before... That civilisation was really rather a lot further along than it seems to be. Things like racism and ageism and discrimination and identification of weakness (or the perception of anything approximating weakness) was the thing.. Anyway...
I have come to see that the tick tocking aspect is more to do with just how quickly people are ruining things. Can I get there before they've destroyed it completely?
My Mother is alzheimers when it suits her. She likes that, actually. Her old age gives her an excuse (she thinks) for behaving badly. Like a terrible toddler when she feels like it...
I won't be looking after her. She never looked after me. I have come to realise that she had me in order to trap my Father. That was probably why he married her - because she intentionally got herself pregnant with me. I don't know why I didn't see that before. It really makes sense of his always being so very ambivalent about me. And of her rubbing his face in... Me... All the time. 'You have to do whatever I say because you have a daughter now'.
Anyway... Souunds like things are not so bad between you and your MOther?
I feel like sleeping a lot, too. Do sleep a lot, in fact. I think sometimes the gym for me is more about an excuse to sleep... If / when I start lifing weights then it's not so very much work (in a temporal sense) and an awful lot of rest / sleep in between...
It is hard to see / know what to do...
What do you do with your days?
> Mom might have Alzheimers. Her memory is getting worse. I dont know what to do. I dont know if I can deal with this. I dont know how I will deal with anything. I am too depressed. I have no more drive to get things done. Its too hard. I wish I could just live my life on the couch and not do anything. I want to sleep to escape. I dont think I can survive financially.
>
> I am full of anxiety about these things and more. It is beginning to take its toll on me. The depression has become worse. How can I take care of myself? What happens as I grow older? I cant survive with the severe depression I have. I think I have had enough pain in my life. I cant struggle anymore. Im tired. I think about suicide. Who will take care of Mom? I cant take all of the responsibility. It is too much for me.
>
> > Again, I am sorry that I wasn't more sensitive to you when you were going out of your way to try and help me, before.
>
> Everything is fine. I don't even remember there being a problem.
>
> I hope you can find an easier path with fewer obstacles.
>
>
> - Scott
Posted by Lamdage22 on June 30, 2018, at 6:17:44
In reply to Re: Are you okay scott? » SLS, posted by alexandra_k on June 30, 2018, at 3:37:09
Have you ever explored the realm of food sensitivities and food allergies? It can manifest in psychiatric symptoms.
Posted by Lamdage22 on June 30, 2018, at 6:49:41
In reply to Re: Are you okay scott?, posted by Lamdage22 on June 30, 2018, at 6:17:44
Posted by SLS on June 30, 2018, at 8:34:33
In reply to Re: Are you okay scott?, posted by Lamdage22 on June 30, 2018, at 2:41:44
> Why did you stop volunteering? You said you were doing 7 hours a day which is pretty impressive. I cant do that right now. You had surgery? Its not an accusation i just want to understand your situation.
I left my volunteer job last August in order to take care of my mother, who had spinal surgery. Then came my medical emergency. It took me about two months to recover. My reluctance to return to volunteering is partially monetary. It costs me quite a bit of money to commute. I am considering returning next week, though. It is hurting me to be home with nothing to do. I will start by going twice a week.
- Scott
Posted by Lamdage22 on June 30, 2018, at 9:47:28
In reply to Re: Are you okay scott? » Lamdage22, posted by SLS on June 30, 2018, at 8:34:33
Is there not some authority that can help you with the cost for the commute? The people where you work maybe or the state? Sometimes positive change can come without changing meds. I didnt change mine in ages and yet i am willing to do sports again which i did not for months. Hmm i am young. Its easy for me to talk... I didnt have to endure 40 years of mental illness. I endured merely 8 years. Let us know how it goes and have faith in the fact that things can become better even though you may not find your magic bullet med.
Probably not like the pre-mental illness years but livable.
Posted by alexandra_k on July 2, 2018, at 0:14:08
In reply to Re: Are you okay scott? » Lamdage22, posted by SLS on June 30, 2018, at 8:34:33
> I left my volunteer job last August in order to take care of my mother, who had spinal surgery. Then came my medical emergency. It took me about two months to recover. My reluctance to return to volunteering is partially monetary. It costs me quite a bit of money to commute. I am considering returning next week, though. It is hurting me to be home with nothing to do. I will start by going twice a week.
I see (a bit more). 7 days a week volunteering is a full time job of volunteering. What kind of work were you doing?
Posted by Deneb on July 3, 2018, at 19:23:39
In reply to Re: Are you okay scott? » alexandra_k, posted by SLS on June 29, 2018, at 12:59:45
I'm sorry to hear how difficult things have been for you. Life really isn't fair. I think a lot of it is just luck.
It's hard not to start thinking of all the lost time, but none of us really know how long we have. We're all dying really. I feel like depressed people likely really have a more accurate view of themselves and the world, but I also think it's perfectly fine to be delusional yet happy.
Even though my life is "good" right now, I wouldn't have regret anything if I had killed myself way back, because I'd be dead.
I don't believe in an afterlife, and I actually find great comfort in the fact that our lives don't matter. Everything will be gone in some millions of years. I don't believe that anything that we do will mean anything in the long run.
So I will just live my own short little life and see what adventures come. There will be sadness, happiness, good and bad times. It will be interesting.
Either way, all will be gone one way. I hope you can find some joy somewhere.
Posted by SLS on July 4, 2018, at 6:53:58
In reply to Re: Are you okay scott? » SLS, posted by alexandra_k on June 30, 2018, at 3:37:09
Hi, Alex.
> What do you do with your days?
Nothing. I don't know. Until recently, I was able to find things to do. I mostly played around on the computer. However, ever since discontinuing Parnate, I have been doing absolutely nothing but lying on the couch and binge watching Law & Order. Apparently, Trintellix is making me feel worse, not better. I have anxiety and can't get myself to do anything. I had planned on resuming my volunteering this week, but I don't have the motivation or energy. I decided to skip today's dose of Trintellix.
For now, I am not having any suicidal thoughts.
- Scott
Posted by Lamdage22 on July 4, 2018, at 7:03:41
In reply to Re: Are you okay scott? » alexandra_k, posted by SLS on July 4, 2018, at 6:53:58
Its always a risk to try stuff. What was so bad about your state with Parnate and Abilify? What do you mean when you say you were stuck?
Posted by SLS on July 4, 2018, at 7:04:16
In reply to Re: Are you okay scott? » SLS, posted by alexandra_k on July 2, 2018, at 0:14:08
> > I left my volunteer job last August in order to take care of my mother, who had spinal surgery. Then came my medical emergency. It took me about two months to recover. My reluctance to return to volunteering is partially monetary. It costs me quite a bit of money to commute. I am considering returning next week, though. It is hurting me to be home with nothing to do. I will start by going twice a week.
>
> I see (a bit more). 7 days a week volunteering is a full time job of volunteering. What kind of work were you doing?I was lucky enough to find an organization that caters to people with mental illness. It is understood that people will not be feeling well enough to engage in activities every day. Much of the work involves keeping the organization running by soliciting funding and performing administrative tasks. There are creative outlets as well. People produce art that is shown and sold in local galleries. Creative writing is supported by having workshops. Cooking and preparing lunch is another activity. There are social workers to help out with keeping people involved and encourage people to interact in the community. The people there are great.
- Scott
Posted by SLS on July 4, 2018, at 7:18:52
In reply to Re: Are you okay scott?, posted by Deneb on July 3, 2018, at 19:23:39
Hi, Deneb.
> I'm sorry to hear how difficult things have been for you. Life really isn't fair. I think a lot of it is just luck.
>
> It's hard not to start thinking of all the lost time, but none of us really know how long we have. We're all dying really. I feel like depressed people likely really have a more accurate view of themselves and the world, but I also think it's perfectly fine to be delusional yet happy.
>
> Even though my life is "good" right now, I wouldn't have regret anything if I had killed myself way back, because I'd be dead.
>
> I don't believe in an afterlife, and I actually find great comfort in the fact that our lives don't matter. Everything will be gone in some millions of years. I don't believe that anything that we do will mean anything in the long run.
>
> So I will just live my own short little life and see what adventures come. There will be sadness, happiness, good and bad times. It will be interesting.
>
> Either way, all will be gone one way. I hope you can find some joy somewhere.Many of my beliefs are aligned with yours. I do not believe that there is a hereafter. We pass through existence but once. I find that belief to be both orderly and terrorizing. When I was younger and had many years ahead of me, my age was not an issue. It is now. I am running out of time. I have suffered a life of struggle and pain. I would like to have my remaining years make my life having been worth living. I don't see remission happening for me.
- Scott
Posted by SLS on July 4, 2018, at 7:28:26
In reply to Re: Are you okay scott?, posted by Lamdage22 on July 4, 2018, at 7:03:41
Hi, Lamdage.
> Its always a risk to try stuff. What was so bad about your state with Parnate and Abilify? What do you mean when you say you were stuck?
Anhedonia, anergia, and lack of interest and motivation still plagued me. My abilities to read, learn, and remember were still greatly impaired. Psychomotor retardation was still a problem. Although there was some improvement, there wasn't enough for me to function very well and enjoy activities. I was leading an empty life. Because I have experienced remission several times, I know exactly how much I am missing.
- Scott
Posted by Lamdage22 on July 4, 2018, at 7:36:56
In reply to Re: Are you okay scott? » Lamdage22, posted by SLS on July 4, 2018, at 7:28:26
Maybe you have an unrealistic view of remission? Healthy people can still be unmotivated and dysphoric. They still have problems that need attention.
Posted by Lamdage22 on July 4, 2018, at 7:47:34
In reply to Re: Are you okay scott? » Lamdage22, posted by SLS on July 4, 2018, at 7:28:26
I think you will be fine. Dont lose your faith. Just because you are a vegetable right now does not mean you will be for the rest of your life.
Posted by Lamdage22 on July 4, 2018, at 8:48:35
In reply to Re: Are you okay scott? » Lamdage22, posted by SLS on July 4, 2018, at 7:28:26
there is a whole world of non medication stuff to try that could make you feel better. It helps me a lot. You are not beyond hope
Posted by alexandra_k on July 4, 2018, at 22:48:43
In reply to Re: Are you okay scott? » alexandra_k, posted by SLS on July 4, 2018, at 6:53:58
> Even though my life is "good" right now, I wouldn't have regret anything if I had killed myself way back, because I'd be dead.
I think I feel the same, Deneb. Sometimes I take comfort in knowing that pain and misery will pass. No matter how bad things feel, at times, it will pass. And one day there will be peace in the form of no more pain and misery.
> I find that belief to be both orderly and terrorizing. When I was younger and had many years ahead of me, my age was not an issue. It is now. I am running out of time. I have suffered a life of struggle and pain. I would like to have my remaining years make my life having been worth living. I don't see remission happening for me.
I think I also feel the same as this, at times, Scott.
I think (for me) it is because I decided not to have kids. It wasn't that I didn't want to contribute to this world -- it was that I didn't want that to be my contribution to this world. I had other contributions in mind, but I find myself stuck in a state of poverty fairly persistently which means I don't even have any kind of say in anything, whatsoever... Of course I do see that having a kid wouldn't have made me any the richer so I don't regret that. But I do feel sad that this world didn't work out for me such that I felt able to... Support?? Continued existence in it. Thinking of reproduction as a form of continued existence into the future, I mean. Like... A cutting, of a kind.
> I was lucky enough to find an organization that caters to people with mental illness. It is understood that people will not be feeling well enough to engage in activities every day. Much of the work involves keeping the organization running by soliciting funding and performing administrative tasks. There are creative outlets as well. People produce art that is shown and sold in local galleries. Creative writing is supported by having workshops. Cooking and preparing lunch is another activity. There are social workers to help out with keeping people involved and encourage people to interact in the community. The people there are great.
I see. That's something that people find makes life meaningful and worth living. People. People who accept things (e.g., that sometimes you don't feel like going in or doing whatever and to allow that). People who accept and actually value self-expression in the form of creativity.
In reading this... Of course I'm probably projecting my own issues... But what I thought of was an organisation struggling to survive... In the sense of much of the work involving soliciting funding...
I have been thinking a lot, lately, about sustainability. It's a buzzword now, which is upsetting. Something about the difference between a constant struggle to stay afloat (which my life has mostly been - living from week to week) vs a sense of security in having those basic needs met so one is able to work to increase that security or sustainability into other things...
I wonder if there are things that might contribute towards making the organisation more sustainable so people didn't need to spend so much time trying to attract funding? I don't know. I'm starting to think that along with inter-personal relationships figuring out how to get something that was struggling to stay afloat into a position of sustainability is one of the hardest things in the world. Especially when there may be management structures and / or shareholders to support...
I think things are particularly hard in this country because it is the 'easiest economy to do business in, in the world' (because we don't have laws preventing practices known to be harmful)... Because the management ideal seems to be to buy early, exploit, and get out at the right time. Rinse and repeat. Because a bunch of salaries were 'only supposed to be temporary' (along with my extreme poverty)...
I don't know that I'm talking much sense.
I guess this is why people like to plant trees.
But then I think about little red hen 'who will help me plant the seed'... And who will take the fruit for themselves in the night...
Do you have a bucket list? Running out of time for... What? What would you like to do with your life from this point, if you were well?
Posted by alexandra_k on July 6, 2018, at 7:06:58
In reply to Re: Are you okay scott? » SLS, posted by alexandra_k on July 4, 2018, at 22:48:43
> But then I think about little red hen 'who will help me plant the seed'... And who will take the fruit for themselves in the night...
And, of course, I didn't mean that. I meant something along the lines of 'and who will decide to make a lot of money off of exports by taking things in the night' - or similar. I just mean to say 'enough for everyones need - not greed'...
Sigh.
I don't mean to hijack conversation...
I suppose something I value is something to bounce off... Sometimes you resonate 'yes, I agree' and othertimes you uppose 'and no, that is you, and not me'. And, either way, it is self defining...
I don't really know you at all, I feel. I try... And you can resonate, or bounce. I don't mind. Just getting to know ya.
Posted by Clearskies on July 6, 2018, at 22:42:46
In reply to Re: Are you okay scott? » Lamdage22, posted by SLS on June 24, 2018, at 21:29:27
Hi, Scott
Im sorry to find you in distress, too. Mine is mostly situational as too much stress is happening at once for me to be able to cope...I try to be kind to myself.
Please be kind to yourself. Were not well. I dont think remission is possible for me, either. Its disturbing that the lows get lower and longer. And have more dire consequences.
We dont really know our own value when were like this. You have no idea how much youre appreciated and yes, needed. Whether at warp speed or in a decaying orbit, we remain living and breathing. Well, maybe not living (in my case).
I wish you feel a bit better soon, Scott. I suspect the Parnate drop pushed this on to you.
Hugs
Nancy
Posted by Lamdage22 on July 7, 2018, at 4:51:09
In reply to Re: Are you okay scott?, posted by Clearskies on July 6, 2018, at 22:42:46
I didnt want to rub you the wrong way, Scott. Just trying to help. You can always come here to talk.
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