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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by alesta on March 22, 2006, at 10:29:58
do you ever feel like you pissed ppl off and aren't sure why?
i am totally alone right now, here and irl. my bf doesn't even spend time with me. (oh, except for sex of course.:/) i finally stopped crying over it. (i just cry on the inside.) yet he wants to marry me and have kids with me. i know in his own way he loves me. but neglect and abuse have become the bane of my existence. and pain...always...manifesting in several forms simultaneously.
i know i'm being abused, but it's hard to really absorb that fact...i think i'm the queen of denial. i am isolating, and turn down ppl's offers to do things/talk. i no longer have any friends. i suppose i want to be alone, yet...i don't want to be rejected.
i really am alone. does anyone care? at all? i'm going to go cry now...sorry...i am pretty depressed...and when i get depressed it always seems to snowball..this post is probably going to make it worse. i don't want ppl to feel like the *have* to try and make me feel better.
i will never give up, but...this life has been a freakin nightmare. i'm not claiming to have had it the worst, but jeez, short of physical pain, it sure does *feel* like it. is it ok to say that without offending ppl? it is difficult for me not to be bitter and hate the world. but i make attempting to love ppl a priority...i have to.
i think i feel a bit better. sorry if this was too heavy...i have a bad habit of communicating everything to you ppl. maybe this is not a good thing? i normally do try not to think of this stuff, but we all have our moments...i'm sorry for the negativity.
and why are some ppl not meant to be loved?
amy
p.s. i used to self-harm about 8 years ago (from my teens to my early to mid twenties), and i saw this show last week journaling this girl's self-harming behavior. i finally made the connection between that and sexual abuse..and i just haven't felt the same lately since watching that program...i guess i was 'triggered' or something, cause all those particular negative feelings came back. i'm trying to reset my mind back away from that mindset. man..i usually delete posts like this instead of actually posting em.
p.p.s. i don't know if posting like this is helping or hurting. yeesh. kinda embarrassing
Posted by justyourlaugh on March 22, 2006, at 10:35:19
In reply to letting it all hang out...*****TRIGGER*****, posted by alesta on March 22, 2006, at 10:29:58
..
get it out, turn your back on it, if only for a while
Posted by crazy teresa on March 22, 2006, at 12:49:45
In reply to letting it all hang out...*****TRIGGER*****, posted by alesta on March 22, 2006, at 10:29:58
You are meant to be loved. Sometimes we think it's too painful for us to allow others to love us, but it's always worth taking the chance.
Posted by Damos on March 22, 2006, at 15:49:35
In reply to letting it all hang out...*****TRIGGER*****, posted by alesta on March 22, 2006, at 10:29:58
It's so nice to see you :-)
> do you ever feel like you pissed ppl off and aren't sure why?
All the time. And let them down without meaning to. Especially the ones I care about the most, what's with that?
> i am totally alone right now, here and irl.
I'm sorry you feel like that, I really am. I know it's hard to believe but there are people here who love and care about you, and who miss you lots when they don't see your tag for a while, who wonder where you are and whatya doin and if you're okay.
>my bf doesn't even spend time with me. (oh, except for sex of course.:/) i finally stopped crying over it. (i just cry on the inside.) yet he wants to marry me and have kids with me. i know in his own way he loves me. but neglect and abuse have become the bane of my existence. and pain...always...manifesting in several forms simultaneously.
:-(
:-(
:-(
You deserve better, we all do, and you can have it. I know it seems like it will never happen, I know that feeling so well, but it can. I can only ask you to trust me on this.
> i know i'm being abused, but it's hard to really absorb that fact...i think i'm the queen of denial.So you'll be changing your tag to Cleopatra then? Well she was the Queen of d'Nile wasn't she ;-)
>i am isolating, and turn down ppl's offers to do things/talk. i no longer have any friends. i suppose i want to be alone, yet...i don't want to be rejected.
These things are so hard to admit aren't they? And they're even harder to stop doing. I mess this up so often and I know it hurts people who really care about me. Please try, if only with us to start with. You don't need to be anything but you for us, you can be as messy and messed up and confused and contradictory as you like. We just care about you, whoever and however that is. Your just being you and just being here with us is enough, always enough.
> i really am alone. does anyone care? at all? i'm going to go cry now...sorry...i am pretty depressed...and when i get depressed it always seems to snowball..this post is probably going to make it worse. i don't want ppl to feel like the *have* to try and make me feel better.Yes, plenty of anyones care, they post "thinking about you" posts and there are plenty of others who might not post cause they don't want to embarrass you or whatever, but who are secretly glad when they see you respond to one of those or just pop in and post. People care about you, they really do. You cry if you need to. sometimes it really does help. Sure don't feel like I have to try and make you feel better. Sure feel like I want to though. And maybe all it'll do is help it hurt a little tiny bit less, I don't know.
> i will never give up, but...this life has been a freakin nightmare. i'm not claiming to have had it the worst, but jeez, short of physical pain, it sure does *feel* like it. is it ok to say that without offending ppl? it is difficult for me not to be bitter and hate the world. but i make attempting to love ppl a priority...i have to.
>
> i think i feel a bit better. sorry if this was too heavy...i have a bad habit of communicating everything to you ppl. maybe this is not a good thing? i normally do try not to think of this stuff, but we all have our moments...i'm sorry for the negativity.Please don't be sorry. There are times I so wish I could post posts like this, just get out there. It's not too heavy, too much, too negative okay. It's how you're feeling and that's important to us.
> and why are some ppl not meant to be loved?Can only speak for myself here, and until very recently I truly believed I couldn't love or be loved and I was so wrong.
I'm sorry for then, and for now and for your hurts and your hurting. Please don't fall back into that place, don't want you to be hurt.
Thank you for sharing so much, must be so hard to see it there, but it means a lot that you would trust us with it, with you.
((((((((((Amy))))))))))
Posted by Phillipa on March 22, 2006, at 21:48:06
In reply to letting it all hang out...*****TRIGGER*****, posted by alesta on March 22, 2006, at 10:29:58
Alesta I think I saw the same show wasn't it Oprah or Dr. Phil? It was horrible and I had nighmares. I'm so sorry this has triggered you. Love Phillipa
Posted by alesta on March 24, 2006, at 14:21:23
In reply to letting it all hang out...*****TRIGGER*****, posted by alesta on March 22, 2006, at 10:29:58
omg, there have been some major new developments in my life since that last post..my bf and I have had a talk and..well, there are some serious changes happening with us. we both had issues we were dealing with, and now, amazingly we are doing well. he does love me, I now realize (and he now says he feels like the luckiest guy in the world.) i am just amazed at all the changes that just keep happening, internally, and now, externally. we have both changed a lot, progressively, and especially in the last few days.
i am also surprised that there are past events that were still stowed away in my head...i am the type of person that believes in addressing and purging oneself of bad thoughts and memories. but I somehow managed to keep ‘forgetting’ some of these incidents that happened, unconsciously. so...I plan to talk about them when I am ready. so important, as most of us here know..:) i want to thank the person who emailed me about this whole issue of denial, publicly...your being there at my moment of desperation was...just beautiful and..so appreciated..wanted to send my thoughts of love to you.
on a bad note, i was/am starting to develop feelings for this online dude, letting it happen b/c I did not believe I was loved in my relationship. it is so hard for me to let go of this person. but the unrivaled passion I am capable of feeling for him will not lead my life in a good direction...it has to happen. i have a feeling if I ever saw him I would still be tempted to give him a kiss...hmm...i need to work on this.
also, I realize on this site, I have been a bit of a ‘floater’...by that, I mean that i kind of jump around to lots of different ppl socially..don’t really get close to anyone, except on rare occasions. I think I might like to change that, too. and I need to stop being self-destructive...must love meself too..and realize that all the petty social stuff that goes on here or elsewhere need not affect me or be about me. and..no one’s perfect, including me of course, and that’s okay. We’re all okay.:) we really are. This means YOU.:)
Thank you guys so much for replying, and, damos, bless your sweet heart, i need more time so that i can read your whole post and reply...i am very interested in what you had to say..and you have so much compassion within yourself..bless you. thank you thank you!
always,:)
amy
“together we stand...divided we fall.."
Posted by alesta on March 24, 2006, at 14:33:35
In reply to Re: letting it all hang out...*****TRIGGER***** » alesta, posted by Phillipa on March 22, 2006, at 21:48:06
> Alesta I think I saw the same show wasn't it Oprah or Dr. Phil? It was horrible and I had nighmares. I'm so sorry this has triggered you. Love Phillipa
hi phillipa,
it was a show called "intervention" or something, i think it showed on a sunday..they had some of it on oprah..i had no idea what i was getting into when i was watching it, lol. i did all that stuff, including serious, dangerous binge drinking, which i now realize was also a part of my self-harming behaviour. i learned a lot from watching that program. thank you much phillipa for your kind reply:)love,
amy
Posted by alesta on March 24, 2006, at 14:45:21
In reply to Re: letting it all hang out...*****TRIGGER***** » alesta, posted by Damos on March 22, 2006, at 15:49:35
Posted by Phillipa on March 24, 2006, at 16:06:34
In reply to Re: letting it all hang out...*****TRIGGER***** » Phillipa, posted by alesta on March 24, 2006, at 14:33:35
I watch intervention too. I remember the show you're talking about defiinite trigger. I had to turn it off. Love Jan/Phillipa
Posted by alesta on March 29, 2006, at 14:30:31
In reply to letting it all hang out...*****TRIGGER*****, posted by alesta on March 22, 2006, at 10:29:58
well, things aren’t quite as relatively picture perfect as I thought they were (the last time I posted)...it’s so hard to explain everything that happens lately and all the reasons our relationship had improved temporarily...but I’ll just say that last week my bf was held at gunpoint (I know it’s hard to believe, but we live in a dangerous neighborhood right now...we are slowly getting ourselves together economically (we were on the streets a short while ago), and plan to move somewhere nicer in a couple of weeks). anyhow, he was different with me after that and quite protective...but I think things are kind of going back to the way they were. I just don’t know what’s gonna happen with us. He needs so much less intimacy than I do. He is a social butterfly, and he is content to hardly ever talk to me. just hold me at the end of the day, and maybe some other stuff, and he’s happy. Bleh. we used to talk for hours. Hmph. I hate guys that misrepresent themselves. The talking thing was the whole reason I wanted him! I thought we had this amazing connection from hell lol. i keep forgetting that this guy is abusive too. i guess that sounds kind of weird, huh.
Umm, I just wanted to say about the self-injury thing that I do not consider myself to be a self-injurer anymore. That was a long time ago, and I don’t even think I could do that to myself now. A combination of sexual abuse, along with, and probably more importantly, horrible abuse by my parents lead me to need some way to deal...I think that in an odd way cutting and such helped me to live. I just don’t want ppl here to think I was crazy or something. I don’t think I’m crazier than anyone else here..just went through some unbearable mental pain, and had to find an outlet of some kind. I told relatives and a friend’s parents what was going on...and they either didn’t believe me or did nothing and started going on about how horrible their childhoods were. And my parents rejected my requests for therapy/help, and denied my right to have feelings other than what they would allow me to have. and treated me like...ugh...It’s all too complicated, really..this is my last post dwelling on my past...I usually don’t talk about it cause...there’s no point anymore. And impossible to convey. I’ve already gotten it out of my system. Dunzo.:)
love you guyses,:-)
amy
Posted by alesta on March 29, 2006, at 14:35:52
In reply to Re: letting it all hang out...*****TRIGGER***** » alesta, posted by Damos on March 22, 2006, at 15:49:35
Damos, hey you!:)
I just wanted to thank you again for your sweet, lovely post...I am trying not to think about this stuff anymore...I wish I’d had internet access earlier!) but..hmm..Cleopatra sounds quite lovely..lol..too cool, that would be..but I think I’m just stuck with alesta..is it me or is this board starting to resemble some fantasy role-playing game with all these fantastical names? I do adore “damos”. So awesome.:-) thank you again for being a sweetheart, and, yes, I do know there are ppl that care, and I care about them, too.:) damos, I just want to make sure that you are taking care of you, okay...you are too valuable not to.:) i just saw your poem on writing and it breaks my heart..please..you are so valuable..give yourself the love and care and empathy that you give others. Promise me.:) okay..
do take it easy on giving advice for a while if it helps...taking all that in (others' pain) can cause one to be depressed...please be careful..
Luv,
Amy
This is the end of the thread.
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