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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 25. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dr. Bob on February 7, 2004, at 15:41:55
In reply to Open Thoughts Forum-----put your thoughts down!!, posted by Stryker88 on February 5, 2004, at 17:22:58
> This Forum is for you to express what you are thinking presently, just jot down what you are thinkig for the day!! I will Start the thread:
>
> i wonder if today is going to go well, will there be any responses to this thread, i dont know what would happen if i went a whole day with out my med, is my boss gonna be mad today, what have i eaten today and how is that gonna effect me.
Posted by Elle2021 on February 7, 2004, at 16:14:34
In reply to Open Thoughts Forum « Stryker88, posted by Dr. Bob on February 7, 2004, at 15:41:55
I wonder if I'm going to get A's in all my classes. I don't want to get anything lower than a B+. Actually I really don't want lower than an A... I just took tests in all my classes and I'm wondering how I did on them. I know on the psych test I answered one of the questions wrong. It was about the DSM and it's multiaxials...etc. I get all the tests back on Monday (if they are good I'll post them...if not...) :)
Elle
Posted by Poet on February 7, 2004, at 16:47:48
In reply to Open Thoughts Forum « Stryker88, posted by Dr. Bob on February 7, 2004, at 15:41:55
I wonder if
I'm already being called crazy behind my back at my new job. Should put my therapist in speed dial? Can I stop talking to myself outloud in public? Is it okay that I'm wearing dirty sweats and haven't showered and it's 5 p.m. Should I worry that my husband will come home from work and see me like this?
Poet
Posted by fayeroe on February 8, 2004, at 7:11:17
In reply to Re: Open Thoughts Forum, posted by Poet on February 7, 2004, at 16:47:48
I dread going to work tomorrow. Am working with elderly patient who's favourite word is "no." Followed by "I don't want to do that." I wonder how much longer I can work with her. She has torn her family apart with her negativity and lost all of her friends. Yes, I feel some sympathy but not a lot. My stomach already hurts.
Posted by riken on February 8, 2004, at 12:13:45
In reply to Re: Open Thoughts Forum » Poet, posted by fayeroe on February 8, 2004, at 7:11:17
could i sleep thru the night tinite, or will i wake up at 4am like always? is my friend shantel still mad at me? i shouldn't call, i'm sure she is....... i need to get my car's anthenna, but i do not want to go outside. boxers or briefs? it's 1pm, i have my windows open and 3 lights on in my room. do people really get me?
Posted by aussie on February 9, 2004, at 0:52:19
In reply to Re: Open Thoughts Forum, posted by riken on February 8, 2004, at 12:13:45
I'm lonely.
I should make a stinking phone call to the airline thatis sure to take half an hour(that will make me more exasperated than I already am) and I'm tired. I don't want to go to bed as then I have to wake up and get my daughter and I ready togoto preschool/work.
I can't face the traffic tomorrow.
Posted by Angielala on February 9, 2004, at 12:24:13
In reply to Re: Open Thoughts Forum » Poet, posted by fayeroe on February 8, 2004, at 7:11:17
I hate that my boss doesn't understand bipolar and treats me differently than everyone else. I hate that I'm never given the benefit of the doubt. I love my two new baby parakeets, though.
I hate close-minded people who refuse to try and understand other's differences and hardships.
I'd like to tell me boss off.
Posted by Elle2021 on February 10, 2004, at 0:30:51
In reply to Re: Open Thoughts Forum, posted by Elle2021 on February 7, 2004, at 16:14:34
Okay, remember those tests I was talking about...
Well, I got an 86% on my Ab. Psych test and a 98% on my Eng. Lit Test! Yay! :)
Elle
Posted by gardenergirl on February 10, 2004, at 9:24:34
In reply to Re: Open Thoughts Forum, posted by Elle2021 on February 10, 2004, at 0:30:51
Posted by Karen_kay on February 10, 2004, at 11:20:02
In reply to Re: Open Thoughts Forum, posted by Elle2021 on February 10, 2004, at 0:30:51
I'm so proud of you!!! I's SOOO very out of it at this point that I've taken several tests and turned in several projects.... I'm quite sure I've done super fantastic on them, however I can't recall anything aobut the material... SOOOO, I may have to talk to my pdoc, or my dick of a therapist is going to do it for me... He talked to me today about transfering me out. He actually basically gave me an ultimatum. Either I start thinking aobut my father and the sexual abuse for an hour a day and start working more on that and talking less about Bubba, or he is going to transfer me out. I actually had tears in my eyes. I said, "fine, transfer me out. I don't care." And I don't.... I'm tired of men trying to run my life. And I'm tired of ultimatums. And I'm tired of being misunderstood. I finally told him I focus on him because I don't think I could do any better than my current boyfriend. And he said, "Well, why didn't you say that sooner?" I said, "Because I thought you could read my mind." I wasn't lying either.... Guess he's not superman... There's no such thing as love, is there? I gave up on that crap long ago. I thought that through therapy I could learn that someone could listen to you and accept you, ect.... It's all just bull... He keeps talking aobut group therapy, that I could be his "assistant." What?? I'll be no man's assistant, and I won't talk about my father in front of a bunch of people. That's stupid to suggest.
I'll be fine. Just had a bad session. I hate it when someone suggests I'm not working hard enough. Especially when I know it's the truth. But still, to tell me you'll transfer me out if I don't work harder>??????????????????? What a dick!
Posted by fallsfall on February 10, 2004, at 11:35:38
In reply to Re: Open Thoughts Forum » Elle2021, posted by Karen_kay on February 10, 2004, at 11:20:02
Karen,
That sounds like a hard session.
Have you seen your pdoc yet about the mania? Some of your posts yesterday seemed pretty "fast". So I guess I'm worried about you.
I don't think Bubba should have threatened to kick you out. I don't get the impression that this is something he has been considering (since he said that others would be transferred but you wouldn't). Dare I say that the mania might be contributing - that he might find you less focused and dedicated - because your mind is racing so fast? Wouldn't you rather control the mania and keep Bubba?
With concern and compassion,
Falls
Posted by Karen_kay on February 10, 2004, at 14:43:45
In reply to Re: Open Thoughts Forum » Karen_kay, posted by fallsfall on February 10, 2004, at 11:35:38
But he did say he would transfer me out. He did say that I'm not working hard enough. And he did give me an ultimatum. He'll tell my Pdoc, I don't have to worry about it. They work in the same office. He threatened to tell my Pdoc when I discontinued my anxiety meds and antipsychotics. Hmmm... and the jerk wonders why I don't trust him... And I sat today for an hour and thought aobut my dad. And I'll sit for another 2 hours and think about my dad tonight. If that's what he wants thta's what he'll get. But, I have a feeling thtat jfoprcing things that shouldn't be forced is just going to make Karen a very ugly girl. But, if he wants Karen to be an ugly little girl, that's what he'll get....
Posted by fallsfall on February 10, 2004, at 15:37:07
In reply to Re: Open Thoughts Forum » fallsfall, posted by Karen_kay on February 10, 2004, at 14:43:45
I agree that "forcing" is likely to have bad effects, and I'm surprised that he is telling you to do that. Please be very careful, Karen. I know that you are hurt and angry. Just be careful about how you act since you are hurt and angry. Please take care of yourself.
You said: "He'll tell my Pdoc, I don't have to worry about it." Are you saying that Bubba will tell your Pdoc that you are manic? Karen, as wonderful as mania seems to be, it has a dangerous side, and you need to be responsible. It isn't Bubba's job to tell your Pdoc that you are in a bad (or too good?) place. That is your job. Just like it's your job to tell people if you are suicidal. You need to take responsibility for your health, and get the help you need when you need it.
It is so hard from here to see how you are doing. I really can't tell. But I do know that I've seen some posts from you that look fairly manic to me, so I have to assume that you are manic currently. When something like this Bubba thing goes down while you are manic, I get worried that you'll end up in a mixed state - where you have the energy and Omnipetence of mania with the destructive urges of depression. That is a very dangerous combination. So I'm worried. If my assumptions are not true - please tell me so I can stop worrying about you.
I think that it would be quite reasonable for you to question Bubba's homework assignment. Has he talked with his supervisor about this? Or you can go for a consultation, and get a second opinion on that. Or you could go to see your Pdoc and talk to HIM about it (this may be the best option).
Please don't let your world spin out of control. We like having you here.
Posted by Stryker88 on February 10, 2004, at 16:35:34
In reply to Re: Open Thoughts Forum » fallsfall, posted by Karen_kay on February 10, 2004, at 14:43:45
Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah!
Posted by henrietta on February 10, 2004, at 19:02:39
In reply to Re: Open Thoughts Forum » fallsfall, posted by Karen_kay on February 10, 2004, at 14:43:45
KK~~~I'm worried about you, too. Bubba may not have handled this as well as he could/should have, but I do think his stuff today indicates a
real concern, a kind of desperate concern, about you and your state. If nothing else, I hope you can take some sort of comfort in his very strong
(perhaps hysterical~~he's awfully young) FREAK OUT about you! He may indeed be thinking he's insufficient to your needs, but I feel from all your posts about him that he cares deeply about you, thinks you're a wonderful, valuable, beautiful young woman who deserves to overcome the crippling pain that was inflicted on her .
Don't know what I'm saying, really. Except that he may be right that you need a more experienced therapist, but it is out of love and concern for you that he is advocating this.
You shine out , KK. Bubba knows it, too.
Please take care of yourself.
Posted by Elle2021 on February 10, 2004, at 22:01:54
In reply to Re: Open Thoughts Forum » Elle2021, posted by Karen_kay on February 10, 2004, at 11:20:02
Transfer you out?! How could that possibly help anything? Maybe he's trying to push you a little bit (or a lot actually) because he thinks you're ready to start talking about what happened with your dad. If you aren't comfortable with spilling the entire story yet, then maybe you could start with describing the relationship the two of you had, or some less-shocking events that happened. Maybe that way, he gets what he wants, and you start to loosen up a bit and start to tell what happened. Which will end up good for you in the long run. I know these things are difficult, and definitely much easier for me to say then for you to actually do. I think I have a good idea of what you're going through though. My therapist wanted to talk about that stuff with me, but I said I wasn't ready yet, I'm not sure how long that excuse is gonna fly with her...
Elle
Posted by Karen_kay on February 10, 2004, at 22:41:43
In reply to Re: Open Thoughts Forum » Karen_kay, posted by Elle2021 on February 10, 2004, at 22:01:54
Well, the thing is that I started out having absolutely no memories of abuse when I began therapy. (Though I had classic sypmtoms of abuse)Then I started to remember things that made me uncomfortable, as well as a couple of occassions. Then I started having nightmares and had a flashback. Now, I don't want to think about my father at all. I'm half tempted to start making things up, would that make him happy?
Seriously though, if I don't have memories at this point how can I expect to talk about them? I realize that by thinking about him, maybe things will start to come. But at this point I don't want them to!!! I don't have as much anxiety as I did when I was thinking about that and going through it. I'm the one who has to deal with it, not him.
Another thing that really bothers me is that he keeps suggesting I bring my mother in, so we can "tell her together." Now, I have no doubt in my mind my mother wouold kill me in his office. He also sugests I bring my sister in "to help her" even though she has no memories. It would honestly ruin her life, and I would have no part in doing that. I think he's a crack pot. My family would hate me.
It's just that I've honestly told him everything I know. I can't create memories that aren't there. I realize that I have a large part of my life that is unaccounted for, because I can't remember most of my childhood. But, I just don't agree this is the right approach to take to get me to work harder. I suppose it's working, as I did think about my fathr. But, I hate being forced to do things that I don't want to do. And I'm certain it's dangerous to rush this type of thing.
Posted by DaisyM on February 10, 2004, at 23:25:24
In reply to Re: Open Thoughts Forum » Elle2021, posted by Karen_kay on February 10, 2004, at 22:41:43
Karen,
You know what I'm going through and dealing with. You also know how much I am struggling with all it. It is soooo overwhelming and painful. And you have read Antigua's posts. You MUST go slow and not flood the memories. Without a lot of support, it can be dangerous.You know my Therapist has tons of experience with this - I've told you over 20 years. When I told him I wanted to push it, he said in no uncertain terms to NOT do that. And he is "making" me come at least 2x a week and sometimes 3 if we go over something really hard. Part of therapy for abuse victims is giving them back the control - not forcing them because they were forced before. Not to mention the controversy around false memories.
What we do often is take some spot in time and explore it. Like, I moved a lot as a kid. So he had me describe each of the houses I have lived in, we "walked through them" together. This allowed me to tell good memories...and some bad. The more we talked about it, the more I could see it again, the more I remembered. It is a painful process but he was with me the whole time. You need that. You deserve that.
In between sessions, I try to put it away now. I can't often, especially at night, but forcing you to think about it goes against all the accepted methods for working with this type of trauma.
He shouldn't have threatened to terminate either, because one of the biggest reasons "we" never told as kids is because we were afraid that our dads would leave us. Using this as leverage is wrong.
Sometimes we will go weeks without talking about it. I've got a lot of other things going on and so do you. So relationship problems, etc. are also things you need him for. Your current life is at least as important as your past.
One more thing. I told you we started using a writing workbook. There is a main book: "The courage to heal". My Therapist doesn't use the main book all that much (he likes the workbook), he said, because it assumes that you should do too much of it on your own. He doesn't feel that is safe and in his experience people who attempt it on their own end up in therapy a mess and suicidal. BUT, I've looked at the book and it has a lot of thoughtful "rules" about processing this stuff, including lost memories. You might want to look at it, or take it to your Therapist.
Just my 2 cents. But since I'm in the middle of it, I think you should listen to me. I'm worried about you.
Daisy
Posted by antigua on February 11, 2004, at 0:12:48
In reply to Re: Open Thoughts Forum » Karen_kay, posted by DaisyM on February 10, 2004, at 23:25:24
I'm worried about you too. A lot!! You are a wonderful young woman with such a bright future ahead of you. Trust your instincts. My T says your mind will only let you remember when you are ready to handle what it is going to tell you.
Listen, if all we had to do was push ourselves harder to remember, I would have been done with this 10 years ago! Do you know how hard I've worked to remember? It sent me over the edge this past summer because I was so frustrated that I was stuck. I felt completely hopeless. As it is, I only have one complete full memory and sensory flashes and bits and pieces of other memories, but they all add up. I didn't even know that I disassociated until about a month ago! I know this makes me sound like some flaky patient, but I have worked so hard and I still am struggling valiantly. I refuse to give up because this has affected every aspect of my life and I want MY life.
How would you feel about telling your mother? Please make sure you are ready for whatever response you may get from her. Are you ready to deal with her on top of figuring out what happened? Are you ready to tell her before you know everything? Would that help you? Please consider these questions before you make a decision, because your number one priority is to keep yourself safe. This is a lot to put on you at one time.
I've always said that my greatest weakness is my strength. I built up such an elaborate denial system as a child that it is taking more than dynamite to break through to my inner self. I deny the horror, because I'm afraid of the terror and the anger.
Take care, Karen, and do what's best for you. I'm thinking of you too, Daisy. You are working really hard, and you're making such great progress, no matter how much it hurts right now. You're going to make it!
antigua
Posted by gardenergirl on February 11, 2004, at 6:44:00
In reply to Re: Open Thoughts Forum..Karen Kay » DaisyM, posted by antigua on February 11, 2004, at 0:12:48
Posted by antigua on February 11, 2004, at 13:21:14
In reply to Re: Open Thoughts Forum..Karen Kay » DaisyM, posted by antigua on February 11, 2004, at 0:12:48
That last message of mine was in for Karen Kay and Daisy. Geez, will I ever get this right?
antigua
Posted by DaisyM on February 11, 2004, at 13:37:09
In reply to Ooops..., posted by antigua on February 11, 2004, at 13:21:14
no worries. It worked out fine since it was to both of us...
Thank you for backing me up. I feel so strongly that she shouldn't be pushed. It makes me thankful again and again that I have the support in my Therapist that I do have. I get frustrated with how much he wants to see me, but I'm starting to see it as support, not as a sign that I am weak. (thanks Fallsfall for that insight).
Karen - ARE YOU LISTENING??!!
Posted by Karen_kay on February 11, 2004, at 14:53:17
In reply to Re: Ooops... » antigua, posted by DaisyM on February 11, 2004, at 13:37:09
Daisy---- ARE YOU YELLING?? :)
Yes, I'm listening! Of course I'm listening. But, is just thinking about my father really overloading or pushing to hard? I mean I haven't thought aobut this stuff in quite a while so maybe it really is time I started. Maybe he's honestly not pushing me any harder than I really need to be pushed. I don't htink he's trying to flood memories or anything like that, I'm just honestly very good at denying and avoiding. And I admit that I worry I have cancer or AIDS or things like that because I avoid thinking about things I really should be....
I have thought about the issue with my therapist and I think maybe he's pushing me for my own good. I'm not going to push myself any harder than I need to be. I promise. I just know that I've been avoiding the issue on purpose, and avoidance is my problem. I've waisted a good onth talking about my therapist's underpants and avoiding the issues I should be dealing with. I think he's right..
And I think the rason he told me that is that he wouldn't have a valid reason to keep me as a client. Hwo could he justify to his supervisor that I['m making steady improvements when his notes contradict that?
I'm honestly not beating myself up, or anythinglike that. I just have a problem with avoiding things. He's given me homework assignments the past several weeks to think about my father and I refuse. And it wasn't an hour a day or anything like that... I don't htink he wnats me to think about muy fathr that much, as he knows I won't. I think he just set the standard that high so that I would begin thinking aobut him at least for acertain amount of time per day.
And I thought aobut my father some yesterday. And I did remember some things too... Like the fact that I always remember pretending to be asleep... But I don't remember anything happening. Just always remember when someone would walk by my bedroom at night I would lay very still and pretend to be asleep..And the fact that my sister and I continued to share a bedroom, even though my older sister moved out after my father abused her and my mother kicked her out. There was a free bedroom, but my sister and I still shared a room. Ws it because we were close, or because we were scared?
See, I guess his "homework assignment" did work. Maybe tonight I'll remember more. Maybe I'll remember something good to take to my session and I can make him very proud of me. It seems I'm not in such a very happy mood anymore. I'll call my pdoc tomorrow.
Posted by rs on February 11, 2004, at 20:28:54
In reply to Re: Ooops... » DaisyM, posted by Karen_kay on February 11, 2004, at 14:53:17
Karen and Daisy. Thinking today about your posts and therapy yesterday.
Daisy your T is wonderful and you sound like a great person which much to offer. Thinking and feeling sad for your pain. So sorry. It is hard work. Hang in there.
Karen so sorry about your session. Thinking about what T said yesterday. He said must take baby steps because he does not think could handle it any faster. He is correct. Karen please take your time and tell your T this. If you feel the same tomorrow please call someone. We can all just go so fast with this or we will become overwhelmed with pain and grief.
Thinking of both of you with much respect. Hugs to the both.
Posted by DaisyM on February 12, 2004, at 10:37:57
In reply to Re: Ooops... » DaisyM, posted by Karen_kay on February 11, 2004, at 14:53:17
Karen,
I'm sorry for "yelling". My worry got in the way. It sounds like you have a handle on how much you can tolerate and are keeping yourself in this range. Just go slow, ok?You've said often how much you loved your dad. It is OK to still feel that, and to have some good memories. In fact, I think it is essential. I struggle too with reconciling these feelings of I should hate him but I don't...it is so complicated!
I use to sleep with my sister too...she is almost 10 yrs younger than me. I've just figured out recently that I was protecting her. I thought I was just afraid of the dark. :(
Please know that any frustration with your Therapist that comes across from me is really about concern for you.
I worry. It's what I do.
Daisy
This is the end of the thread.
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