![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 24 of 24. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by lepus on February 7, 2004, at 16:28:42
I just can't do this any longer. It has been 19 years and things have just gotten worse. In the last week things have just gotten worse. The meds don't work, never have it seems and I am just too tired to keep up with this. I can't even get myself to the doctor anymore. I am alone except family and a few distant friends but I just can't live for them anymore I don't even think. I am in debt that I will never be able to get out of. I started getting sick at 11 so a normal life is one I have never had. I had about 9 months of one and that was taken from me too. Never finished college despite being accepted and attending some of the best. Now I have no money and if I ever work again it will be at some dead end job. Any lover I have had has left me and I still want one back so bad I can't stand it. I am just done. I am too tired and just can't handle it anymore. I know I need to call someone but I just can't. They can't fix the things that are so horribly wrong in my life. I have no appetite. I haven't showered in two days. If I call I will just get "The drugs take time".
When can we give in? When do we have the right to say, "I have had enough"? Nobody takes mental illness seriously anyway, not like cancer or anything. If you complain you are just exhibiting your illness.
I'm not alone. I have no immediate means. I am just tired and see nothing left. Nothing to look forward to to get me out of bed. Days and days of nothing for my lifetime it seems.
Posted by Elle2021 on February 7, 2004, at 16:44:10
In reply to just can't hold on, posted by lepus on February 7, 2004, at 16:28:42
I'm sorry to hear your going through such a rough spot. I kind of got the feeling from your last post that you are feeling a bit suicidal or at least having some thoughts about it. Can you take yourself to the emergency room or call your therapist. If he/she tries to give you the old, "it takes time" spill, then tell her how serious you feel. Ask for an emergency appointment. Please get help if you are feeling like doing something harmful. We care about you here.
Elle
Posted by lepus on February 7, 2004, at 16:59:18
In reply to just can't hold on, posted by lepus on February 7, 2004, at 16:28:42
Yes, I am thinking of suicide but that isn't the real question (and I thank you for your concern, I know what to do). My real question is when is it all right to give up the fight? Why is it so taboo to admit you have had enough of this and that things just aren't getting any better? When can you say that you can no longer accept life on life's terms? Where is the DNR or living will for mental illnesses of a long duration? Yeah, I am sick I know. But I am tired.
Posted by pegasus on February 7, 2004, at 16:59:43
In reply to just can't hold on, posted by lepus on February 7, 2004, at 16:28:42
Lepus,
I am so sorry that you are feeling so hopeless. I think a lot of us have been in similar places, although it sounds like you've had some special challenges as well. I am glad that you have a therapist, and I agree with Elle that this would be an excellent time to give them a call. And/or keep posting here.
I don't have any great advice to offer, except to do whatever you can to take care of yourself. It seems like such unhelpful advice though, in the face of what you describe. But hopefully there have been some things in the past that have made things just a little easier? Talking to someone in your family, or writing about how you feel maybe? Or reading/writing babble stuff. Just, please, know that we care a lot what happens to you. I really hope that you find some help for making it through this hard time. Please keep us updated on how you are doing.
-p
Posted by Poet on February 7, 2004, at 17:22:30
In reply to just can't hold on, posted by lepus on February 7, 2004, at 16:28:42
Lepus,
I wish I had answers to your question. If you can't call anyone, please keep talking to us, maybe we can all find the answer.
I've been bulimic for over 20 years and I know sometimes meds and therapy aren't what I really need, support from the babble community is.
Please try to take care.
Poet
Posted by gardenergirl on February 7, 2004, at 18:19:53
In reply to Re: just can't hold on » lepus, posted by Poet on February 7, 2004, at 17:22:30
lepus,
I'm so sorry you have had to cope with this for so long. One of the evils of mental illness is that it can really sap the strength out of you, and leave you feeling like you have nothing left.Please keep posting. And celebrate every little thing you are able to do. Even if it is just to get up and brush your teeth or eat something. When you are so tired, even the little things take so much effort, so allow yourself to take it easy.
Do try to call your T or pdoc when you can. And keep us posted. We're here for you.
((((lepus))))
gg
Posted by lepus on February 7, 2004, at 19:28:18
In reply to Re: just can't hold on, posted by gardenergirl on February 7, 2004, at 18:19:53
i just don't know how many more years i can keep saying that "this year it will get better" only to have it not. now it isn't even years it is days. "tommorrow will be better" and it rarely ever is. i had about a year of stability and feeling like this was all behind me and i wish to go i had never seen those days because now it makes it all the harder to be back on medication and back in the therapist's office and wondering where my life went wrong and why it keeps going wrong. it is just a cruel joke. there is nothing a therapist can say that alters reality: back to living with my parents, broke, alone, insane, prospects for finishing degree slim, prospects for a job that interests me are slim, on disability, barely able to leave the house, and on and on. if i have a purpose what it is has certainly alluded me. Guess I will go pick up a book and read and go to bed. thanks for the words and kind thoughts i appreciate it. i guess i didnt' totally mean for this thread to be focused solely on me; i honestly was interested in a discussion of when is it okay to let go in the case of a mental illness. i don't know. thanks.
Posted by shar on February 7, 2004, at 20:27:58
In reply to just can't hold on, posted by lepus on February 7, 2004, at 16:28:42
> When can we give in? When do we have the right to say, "I have had enough"?
When you are 50 years old. By then, if things are still hideous, and the landscape has not changed enough to make you want to stay, you can at the very least say you've given it a half-century, and that's enough.
Til then, you survive by doing what you can, meds, therapy, hospital if necessary, Psycho Babble, reading, sleeping.
That, of course, is my own personal philosophy (about being at least 50). In my opinion, the worst time to commit suicide is when you're feeling suicidal (something I've had much experience with). To me, suicide is serious business with lots of consequences, and needs to be given its due as such. There are a lot of things to take care of (you mentioned a DNR--and that would just be one thing).
Hang in there. Landscapes can change at the most unexpected of times. And, you may want to give a look at the little, tiny bright spots that do exist. And, I'm not talking about considering all the bad things that have NOT happened to you, but all the good things that DO exist--for example, you have shelter, you can focus enough to read, in the daytime you can see the sky. And, other stuff is there, too.
Shar
Posted by lepus on February 7, 2004, at 21:10:19
In reply to Re: just can't hold on » lepus, posted by shar on February 7, 2004, at 20:27:58
> > When can we give in? When do we have the right to say, "I have had enough"?
>
> When you are 50 years old. By then, if things are still hideous, and the landscape has not changed enough to make you want to stay, you can at the very least say you've given it a half-century, and that's enough.
>
> Til then, you survive by doing what you can, meds, therapy, hospital if necessary, Psycho Babble, reading, sleeping.
>
> That, of course, is my own personal philosophy (about being at least 50). In my opinion, the worst time to commit suicide is when you're feeling suicidal (something I've had much experience with). To me, suicide is serious business with lots of consequences, and needs to be given its due as such. There are a lot of things to take care of (you mentioned a DNR--and that would just be one thing).
>
> Hang in there. Landscapes can change at the most unexpected of times. And, you may want to give a look at the little, tiny bright spots that do exist. And, I'm not talking about considering all the bad things that have NOT happened to you, but all the good things that DO exist--for example, you have shelter, you can focus enough to read, in the daytime you can see the sky. And, other stuff is there, too.
>
> SharAll good points and all taken to heart.
Thank you.
Posted by Medusa on February 8, 2004, at 2:08:20
In reply to just can't hold on, posted by lepus on February 7, 2004, at 16:28:42
> "The drugs take time".
yeah, they do, but sometimes they're not enough.
> When can we give in? When do we have the right to say, "I have had enough"?
>When you've tried enough different things to have a complete picture of what help is out there and what works and what doesn't work for you.
It sounds like you've tried the same things, over and over and over, and they haven't really worked too well. If you keep trying them, you'll keep getting the same results.
I'm now going with a brutally un-nurturing therapy sort, and in six or so sessions so far it's already made some fast changes. I'm suffering some hefty consequences for living out those changes. I know it's a stage in the process of acceptance that others have to go through since I changed things about myself that were working for them. But it's Hades to go through. I'm having anxiety attacks of severity I never knew possible, I feel like I'm walking around with all my skin peeled off so every 'particle' goes straight to the nerves, and I feel like I just want to tunnel myself into a compost pile and feed the worms. (There's a compost-pro somewhere in Texas who has piles with bacteria that can decompose a horse's carcass in just a few days.)
But this is a +different+ way of feeling like crap than I've gone through before. I don't think it'll be the cure-all - lately I've heard more about EMDR and I think I'm going to find a practitioner and get what I can out of that approach.
I hope this doesn't sound preachy or unsympathetic. In a lot of ways I'm in a similar place to where you are, and I've just had it, I really can't go on the way I've done for so long.
Posted by Ilene on February 8, 2004, at 12:25:16
In reply to Re: just can't hold on » lepus, posted by shar on February 7, 2004, at 20:27:58
> > When can we give in? When do we have the right to say, "I have had enough"?
>
> When you are 50 years old. By then, if things are still hideous, and the landscape has not changed enough to make you want to stay, you can at the very least say you've given it a half-century, and that's enough.
>
> Til then, you survive by doing what you can, meds, therapy, hospital if necessary, Psycho Babble, reading, sleeping.
>
> That, of course, is my own personal philosophy (about being at least 50). In my opinion, the worst time to commit suicide is when you're feeling suicidal (something I've had much experience with). To me, suicide is serious business with lots of consequences, and needs to be given its due as such. There are a lot of things to take care of (you mentioned a DNR--and that would just be one thing).
>
> Hang in there. Landscapes can change at the most unexpected of times. And, you may want to give a look at the little, tiny bright spots that do exist. And, I'm not talking about considering all the bad things that have NOT happened to you, but all the good things that DO exist--for example, you have shelter, you can focus enough to read, in the daytime you can see the sky. And, other stuff is there, too.
>
> Shar
Okay, I'll be fifty in a few months. I've given it a good half century; I just don't enjoy life. What should I do now?Ilene
Posted by lepus on February 8, 2004, at 15:50:40
In reply to Re: just can't hold on » shar, posted by Ilene on February 8, 2004, at 12:25:16
> > > When can we give in? When do we have the right to say, "I have had enough"?
> >
> > When you are 50 years old. By then, if things are still hideous, and the landscape has not changed enough to make you want to stay, you can at the very least say you've given it a half-century, and that's enough.
> >
> > Til then, you survive by doing what you can, meds, therapy, hospital if necessary, Psycho Babble, reading, sleeping.
> >
> > That, of course, is my own personal philosophy (about being at least 50). In my opinion, the worst time to commit suicide is when you're feeling suicidal (something I've had much experience with). To me, suicide is serious business with lots of consequences, and needs to be given its due as such. There are a lot of things to take care of (you mentioned a DNR--and that would just be one thing).
> >
> > Hang in there. Landscapes can change at the most unexpected of times. And, you may want to give a look at the little, tiny bright spots that do exist. And, I'm not talking about considering all the bad things that have NOT happened to you, but all the good things that DO exist--for example, you have shelter, you can focus enough to read, in the daytime you can see the sky. And, other stuff is there, too.
> >
> > Shar
>
>
> Okay, I'll be fifty in a few months. I've given it a good half century; I just don't enjoy life. What should I do now?
>
> Ilene
>
Ilene,
I am sorry that you are going through so much pain too. First, remember that what Shar pointed out was for her, not all of us. I am sure that part of what she said was to make me realize I am still relatively young as well and need to stick in there. So, keep that in mind. She certainly isn't saying you should kill yourself in a couple of months just because you are turning 50 and still unhappy. But you do have some hope. Aren't you starting Marplan soon? MAOIs have been lifesavers for many. I would say what you should do now is to get on Marplan, see what happens, celebrate your 50th (happy birthday!) and see what comes next. Someone else said on here once that you are never too old to have a better quality of life. Maybe that is what Marplan or one of the other MAOIs will provide for you. I have my fingers crossed.I wish us all well.
Posted by Daydreamer on February 8, 2004, at 21:46:31
In reply to Re: just can't hold on, posted by pegasus on February 7, 2004, at 16:59:43
Lepus,
Exhaustion...
Anger..
Loneliness.To be so exhausted and so tired of being in your head. Its a da*n vicious cycle.
Everyday you go to bed thinking--"maybe tomorrows it... maybe tomorrow will be the day things will change" and it never does.
Or maybe things do get "better"- but then you got back to that spot-- to that frame of mind.. where you are so mentally and emotionally exhausted- its just doesnt seem fair to live anymore. You think my life is just another fly on the wall.....
Its just going to keep happenining again, and again, and again.You know.. it will. For who knows how long.
But can you imagine the technology that keep coming up with ??? Someday we will have the medicine thatll cure it all for good.Can you imagine when your old and feeble and lying on your death bed-- 5 min. away from death and thinking.. "I didnt give up"
That should bring a smile to anyones face.One day youll see the sun...
one day youll hold your hand in theirs...
One day you wont be alone.I know it feels like hell--
I wish I had the right words for everyone here that feels the same.
I wish I could help everyone....Its such a struggle and Im so sorry you have to feel that pain.
Though in the end? it will be worth it, I promise you.
Posted by shar on February 10, 2004, at 0:01:11
In reply to Re: just can't hold on » shar, posted by Ilene on February 8, 2004, at 12:25:16
Ilene,
Are you suicidal, and have you been wanting to die for most of the last (nearly) 50 years?What you do now is make a choice, which is totally in your control. The 'to be or not to be' is up to you, not me.
You said, "I just don't enjoy life." Maybe all you need is a hobby.
Shar
> Okay, I'll be fifty in a few months. I've given it a good half century; I just don't enjoy life. What should I do now?
>
> Ilene
>
Posted by Ilene on February 10, 2004, at 9:00:42
In reply to Re: just can't hold on » Ilene, posted by shar on February 10, 2004, at 0:01:11
> Ilene,
> Are you suicidal, and have you been wanting to die for most of the last (nearly) 50 years?
>
> What you do now is make a choice, which is totally in your control. The 'to be or not to be' is up to you, not me.
>
> You said, "I just don't enjoy life." Maybe all you need is a hobby.
>
> Shar
>
>
> > Okay, I'll be fifty in a few months. I've given it a good half century; I just don't enjoy life. What should I do now?
> >
> > Ilene
> >
>
>
I am suicidial *now* and have been so for the past 2 years or so, and off an on before that. I don't see things getting any better. I'm hanging on for the sake of my family, but it's very difficult. I've had several major setbacks in my life. I'm too sick to work. I have no social life. I have no life, period. I'm barely functioning.The psychic pain is overwhelming, but I'd be abandoning my family if I killed myself.
All I need is a hobby? I have hobbies. They don't interest me anymore.
I could use an AD that works.
I.
Posted by gardenergirl on February 10, 2004, at 9:25:28
In reply to Re: just can't hold on » shar, posted by Ilene on February 10, 2004, at 9:00:42
Posted by Ilene on February 10, 2004, at 12:28:47
In reply to Fingers crossed for Marplan for you (nm) » Ilene, posted by gardenergirl on February 10, 2004, at 9:25:28
I'm glad you're there for me. I'm trying hard to hang on. My pdoc wants me to wait until *Friday* to start. She's the one with the anxiety disorder, I swear.
Despite feeling so non-functional I can hardly move, I went to yoga this morning. It was okay. I didn't spend *all* my time time thinking about how much easier it used to be for me and feeling incredibly self-conscious. (Just most of it. Gotta be honest.)
The weather is improving, which makes it easier to go outside, even just to run an errand.
Thanks,
I.
Posted by shar on February 10, 2004, at 16:17:02
In reply to Re: just can't hold on » shar, posted by Ilene on February 10, 2004, at 9:00:42
I-
When you said "I just don't enjoy life" it struck me as quite different than someone who says they want to die, or can't hold on, or are ready to kill themselves, want to commit suicide, etc. A difference in intensity and current readiness plus a strong desire to end the pain, without mitigating factors (such as I choose to stay so I won't abandon my family). Two very different situations.Someone who 'just doesn't enjoy life' and does not mention suicidal feelings would not get the "50 years old" lecture from me because they would not seem ready to end it all. And, someone in that 'space' (not suicidal, etc.) might benefit from a hobby or some other distracting activity.
Given your second post, stating you DO feel suicidal but will not abandon your family, would still not get the "lecture" because it's obvious you have a safeguard against killing yourself that you apply to your situation.
I do believe that half a century of feeling every day that you want to die is long enough if one is willing and able to do the deed and take the consequences, however, it is only *my* philosophy. And, though many on the board are sick of hearing it, I still 'lecture' about it to folks who seem ready to go. Especially folks who seem young and in terrible pain, when there are so many possibilities down the road. Like a good AD.
S
> > > Okay, I'll be fifty in a few months. I've given it a good half century; I just don't enjoy life. What should I do now?
> > >
> > > Ilene
> > >
> >
> >
> I am suicidial *now* and have been so for the past 2 years or so, and off an on before that. I don't see things getting any better. I'm hanging on for the sake of my family, but it's very difficult. I've had several major setbacks in my life. I'm too sick to work. I have no social life. I have no life, period. I'm barely functioning.
>
> The psychic pain is overwhelming, but I'd be abandoning my family if I killed myself.
>
> All I need is a hobby? I have hobbies. They don't interest me anymore.
>
> I could use an AD that works.
>
> I.
>
Posted by gardenergirl on February 10, 2004, at 17:20:44
In reply to Re: Fingers crossed for Marplan for you » gardenergirl, posted by Ilene on February 10, 2004, at 12:28:47
That's great! You are one up on me. I should have done yoga today. I know I feel better when I do, I just find so many other things I need to do that I end up doing nothing.
I'm glad you are hanging in.
gg
Posted by noa on February 11, 2004, at 13:41:43
In reply to Re: just can't hold on » shar, posted by Ilene on February 10, 2004, at 9:00:42
Ilene, I encouage you to hang on and keep trying to find a med combo that works. It took me a long time. I was very very depressed and suicidal. But eventually with the help of an endocrinologist for my thyroid problems, my pdoc and I foudn a combo that worked decently and then I could start to recover. It wasn't instantaneous--it was hard work even after the meds started working, but it did eventually happen.
You do sound like someone who wants to be able to live and find meaning in life, but are just so incredibly discouraged and worn down by the depression. But there is reason to hope that things can get better. I never used to believe that but I'm glad I stuck around to find out.
Keep pursuing the treatment that will be right for you. And know that you are not alone in experiencing this.
Posted by Ilene on February 12, 2004, at 9:42:55
In reply to Re: just can't hold on » Ilene, posted by noa on February 11, 2004, at 13:41:43
> Ilene, I encouage you to hang on and keep trying to find a med combo that works. It took me a long time. I was very very depressed and suicidal. But eventually with the help of an endocrinologist for my thyroid problems, my pdoc and I foudn a combo that worked decently and then I could start to recover. It wasn't instantaneous--it was hard work even after the meds started working, but it did eventually happen.
>
> You do sound like someone who wants to be able to live and find meaning in life, but are just so incredibly discouraged and worn down by the depression. But there is reason to hope that things can get better. I never used to believe that but I'm glad I stuck around to find out.
>
> Keep pursuing the treatment that will be right for you. And know that you are not alone in experiencing this.Thank you for your encouragement. PsychoBabble has become one of the biggest supports in my life. I'm trying very hard, but even mundane activities are so *hard* for me.
I'm hoping if Marplan works for me I can start rebuilding my life. I don't know what I will do if it doesn't help. I'm afraid I will go beyond suicidal ideation. I need support IRL, and it just isn't here.
Thank you.
I.
Posted by gardenergirl on February 13, 2004, at 16:11:35
In reply to Re: just can't hold on » noa, posted by Ilene on February 12, 2004, at 9:42:55
Posted by Ilene on February 13, 2004, at 17:30:41
In reply to Ilene, How are you doing today? (nm), posted by gardenergirl on February 13, 2004, at 16:11:35
I'm doing okay! I went to bed suicidal, I woke up suicidal, but I pulled out of it. I don't know how or why. I've taken Klonopin only once today.
I got my Marplan and took it. My pdoc called; she wants me to report in if anything strange happens. So far so good.
Did I tell you I ordered a medic alert pendant? Cost me less than $35.00. Much cheaper online than at the drugstore. If I stay on the Marplan maybe I'll get a gold one.
And how are you?
I.
Posted by gardenergirl on February 13, 2004, at 18:08:00
In reply to Re: Ilene, How are you doing today? » gardenergirl, posted by Ilene on February 13, 2004, at 17:30:41
I'm doing pretty good. Making progress on procrastination. It helps that it's almost seven and I'm in the office alone. I love my office mates, and talking to them is SO valuable to me. But I can never get any work done when they are around. That's why I often stay late.
I'm so glad to hear you are doing better. Keep me posted either here or on meds board about how you do on the Marplan. One of these days I'll post an update on me for 60mg of Nardil. Also wonder how Mattdds is doing.
Take care!!!
gg
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Social | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.