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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by mair on May 29, 2003, at 13:21:05
I was really struck by Greg's wonderful post up above about the ways his wife has supported him through his depression. I can't say that my husband (of practically 20 years) has been unsupportive but I'm not sure supportive is a word I'd use either. What probably bothers me the most is that he's just so totally disinterested in whatever is going on with me head-wise. He never inquires about the progress or direction of my twice a week therapy, I really don't think he has a clue what medications I take and doesn't do anything to educate himself about anti-depressant medications in general. At different times, therapists have recommended books to him which might help explain depression and he's never bothered to read any of them. Occasionally if I'm in particularly bad shape, he'll ask me if everything is ok, but if I tell him that I'm depressed, that's sort of the end of the conversation, and if I make a remark about my something my therapist said, or about a medication my pdoc has recommended, for instance, he never really responds to my remark with a question or with a remark of his own. He's certainly been supportive about me making periodic changes to my work schedule to lessen stress, but I guess I look at that as being a simple sort of support, welcome when offered but only needed on a rare occasion.
I freely admit that I'm probably responsible for alot of his disinterest. I find it difficult to speak on a deeper level about what my depression is like or about what is discussed in therapy, so I don't initiate those discussions and in the rare instance in which these things have been discussed, I probably haven't been all that encouraging. I pay all the household bills so he never even sees my therapy bills. Mostly, I work pretty hard to hide my symptoms and I've always been able to function on some level even during the worst of times, so it's not like a wear my depression on my sleeve.
I'd be curious about how others of you get support from spouses or significant others and what adjustments your spouses have made to accommodate your illness.
Mair
Posted by judy1 on May 29, 2003, at 14:03:37
In reply to Spousal Support, posted by mair on May 29, 2003, at 13:21:05
I think I'm a lot like you- I tend to hide my feelings from my spouse- so logically he doesn't inquire how I'm doing. My therapist has asked me to bring him along several times, and the one time I did he was very supportive and understanding (for a while:-). Has your spouse met with your therapist? You may be surprised at his support if he does (20 years of marriage is quite an achievement). It sounds like you really want his support, so this may be one way to go about it. You might also ask your therapist about ways to be more open with him (I think men tend to shy away from 'talks') the correct way so he'll be more responsive to your needs. best of luck-judy
Posted by Greg on May 29, 2003, at 14:20:49
In reply to Spousal Support, posted by mair on May 29, 2003, at 13:21:05
Wow Mair...Hi.
I didn't realize that my support was as unique as it might be until reading yours and some of the other posts. After thinking over what you said, I found myself wondering if my level of support by my wife is so much unique in its substance, or, is it that women are naturally better at moral support than men are? The hunter vs. nurturer? Just a thought, and please be kind all if you beat me with this one :).
Anyway, to your questions. My wife has been supportive from the very beginning. She's attended couple's therapy with me to help her better understand where I'm at with my Bipolar and Anxiety disorders. She's done lots of reading about them and even went to a seminar all on her own once. She wasn't impressed, said the speaker had a real "me" complex :). It's not unusual to find her during her free time, of which she has very little, doing research on the web (when I let her use MY computer, God, she hates it when I say that) She watches my meds closely. I think that's because she watched in agony while I went thru one med after another trying to find something, anything that worked. We really celebrated after finding my current combo! I started having the ruminating thoughts a few months back (one of my biggest monsters) and it was her who suggested that I talk to my Psych about a small dose increase of my Zyprexa. I did and it worked. It's kind of like having your own pdoc at home.
These are not totally unselfish acts Mair. She has seen me at my best, and my worst. She's come home from work to find me balled up in a corner crying and asked what was wrong and I couldn't tell her. She's had me blurt out that I wanted to die for no apparent reason. I can walk around the house happy as can be one minute, and biting everyone's head off the next. Part of the things she does is a matter of survival, for her as well as for me. Without the meds and the therapy, and all the other things we do for me, I don't think she could live with Hurricane Greg. And the fact that she does all these things, shows me that she wants to. That makes me feel special.
I'm curious Mair, have you ever thought of asking your husband to take a more active role in your therapy? Of course, he might say no, and that would hurt. But you never know until you ask.
Greg
Posted by tina on May 29, 2003, at 16:30:29
In reply to Spousal Support, posted by mair on May 29, 2003, at 13:21:05
Mair
Your spouse seems to be a carbon copy of my spouse. I think he thinks he's being supportive if he just pays for the drugs I take.
good luck with your survey
T
Posted by mair on May 29, 2003, at 17:57:11
In reply to Re: Spousal Support » mair, posted by Greg on May 29, 2003, at 14:20:49
I have tried having him attend some of my therapy sessions with mixed results. The first time was actually a number of sessions with a pdoc who was also my therapist. For the most part these were not productive because my husband viewed them as opportunities for him to act the supportive husband role and show up to find out how he could help. As soon as my doc tried to steer attention to him, he'd get very defensive and rather combative. I don't think the dynamics between my husband and my pdoc were good. We ended this experiment after a couple of sessions that just ended awfully, including one that I just walked out of becuase he really started going after me. He has an unfortunate tendency to go on the offensive when he thinks he's being attacked (even mildly) which might be a good strategy for lots of situations, but not for marriages.
With an enormous amount of trepidation, I invited him to a session with my current therapist about a year and a half ago. That session went fine, but it also went nowhere. I told my therapist that she couldn't make him the focus of any part of the discussion, and she didn't. She really wasn't asking him for much - the issue then was my strong feeling that I had become toxic to my family and he was good about reassuring me that this wasn't the case. We talked about some ways he could help me when I was particularly depressed, but nothing that stuck. He's great at talking about things that could be done, but not especially good at follow through. He's busy - his work is fairly challenging and stressful, and I think distracts him alot when he's at home.
This is all pretty anxiety producing stuff for me, but I also know that I'm going to have to address things with him more directly if I want to get a better handle on my own moods since stuff with him can be such an enormous trigger for me. I have a huge approach avoidance where he's concerned and really don't know how I'd present this to him anyway.
Mair
Posted by Dinah on May 29, 2003, at 18:50:13
In reply to Spousal Support, posted by mair on May 29, 2003, at 13:21:05
My husband and I have a don't ask, don't tell policy. He's the only person who's even more certain that I need to continue therapy than I am. He sees my therapist as the only barrier between him and my craziness.
From time to time he says he wants me to come to him with what's going on. But he doesn't really. I mean, he does in theory. But in practice he way over-reacts and makes things worse. He'll become even more parental than he usually is. Or he'll hurt me by asking if it's safe to leave my son alone with me. You guys know way more about my problems than he does, because he's just not safe in that way. And I wouldn't *dream* of asking him to therapy.
All that being said, he's a wonderful, terrific man. And he is supportive in so many ways that impact my illness. He really carries more than his fair share in our household. He's my best friend, a great dad, and makes me laugh.
But he has a low tolerance for imperfections. And not being able to help scares him and makes him angry. So it's just counterproductive to share mental health issues with him.
Do you think your husband just doesn't know what to do to make it better, so gets angry at not being able to fix it?
This is the end of the thread.
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