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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by beardedlady on February 7, 2003, at 19:41:48
I think of you whenever I pop in a "Hard Candy." How the hell are you?
beardy : )>
Posted by beardedlady on February 8, 2003, at 5:46:49
In reply to Hi!, posted by beardedlady on February 7, 2003, at 19:41:48
Posted by beardedlady on February 8, 2003, at 8:07:05
In reply to The above meant for PAX. How weird., posted by beardedlady on February 8, 2003, at 5:46:49
Posted by paxvox on February 8, 2003, at 13:30:08
In reply to Hi!, posted by beardedlady on February 7, 2003, at 19:41:48
I have been doing "OK" I guess, Decided to take a break from these boards for a while, as I seemed to have nothing to add or gain. Wife's situation not progressing as well as I was hoping, as a matter of fact, it's about back to the "cold war" we have enjoyed for the past 8 years. So much hope.......
My counselor wanted to get her to fill out a Talor-Johnson Temperment Analyis on me, but she wouldn't even do THAT for me. He says NOT talking IS communication. I guess I have never looked at it that way, but I guess that's so.
My older teenaged daughter is moving out next week, so that should change the environment in the house; to what degree reamins unclear (i.e. positive or negaive). A lot of my "conflicts" with the Mrs. centered around my older daughter, so I am hoping it will be a positive thing.
My 7 year old daughter is starting to ask more questions about "mommy". I used to try to find a nice sugary answer so that she would not worry about things, but my counselor has suggested that I tell her to ask her mother why she does/doesn't do things. Maybe that will force my wife to see how she is adversely affecting her now so that the cycle won't be repeated with her later (i.e. overcompensation-obsession due to guilt over neglect when she was young.....like she has with my older daughter).
So.......are you SURE you really wanted to know how I am? ;)
PAX
Posted by beardedlady on February 8, 2003, at 14:20:38
In reply to Re: Hi!, posted by paxvox on February 8, 2003, at 13:30:08
> So.......are you SURE you really wanted to know how I am? ;)Always, PAX.
You know, sometimes you have to be a little selfish. It's a long time to live like you're living.
I agree with you about your wife having to account for her own actions, and I even agree with telling your daughter to ask her mom why she does what she does.
I just worry that so many external problems don't help your internal ones. Does your counselor have any advice on how to live like this?
I wish I had some to give. It's hard with a young child in the picture.
What would YOU like to happen? And if that doesn't happen, what do you wish you could do?
beardy
Posted by paxvox on February 8, 2003, at 20:49:52
In reply to Re: Hi! » paxvox, posted by beardedlady on February 8, 2003, at 14:20:38
My main purpose with him is to learn how to "live" in the current situation with it doing as little harm to me as it can (i.e. dragging me deeper into depressive hoplessness). He asked me a few weeks ago if I was "angry", I said, no, I was more frustrated. But after thinking about it for a week, I had to honestly say, yes, I AM angry. How do I handle my anger? Mostly by turning it inward (depression) or by venting it at other places (e.g. kicking a trashcan at work about a fairly minor irritation). He asked what I thought the source of my anger was. I said it was largely because I could not FIX the problem. But more and more I am realizing I am angry because my wife has been venting all this crap at me over the past 8 years when I WAS NEVER the cause of any of her problems. Sure, I have issues, and I am not yet walking on water, but I think I have really cleaned up my act. I just now had a confrontation with the wife about our lack of communication. How she barely even says hello to me, let alone discuss how she's feeling or how she thinks things are going. I told her I can barely even get a response when I come home and say hello besides a grunt and a half wave of her hand. Wow! That's something to look forward to after a day's work! My counselor wanted her to fill out that survey, and THAT was too much for her, because she doesn't like (or WANT ) to answer direct questions. He says this is classic passive-aggressive. She can't/won't make a decision because she feels like she's unable, then gets mad about the decision I make. I have become the priest, I have become the repressive parent, I have become the fixation of all that's wrong with her world. Yet she chooses to do nothing to resolve the problem. We were supposed to go to marital counseling, but that fell through. Her counselor wanted to let me come to meet with them, but no. My counselor wanted her to me with us, but no. I am at a loss for what to do next. My counselor says I need to stop avoiding confrontation, but instead I need to say "that makes me upset that you did that". What do I have to lose I guess? What can be worse than the cold war except open hostile shouting (which I have NEVER done). But that would only harm my little girl when she has to hear that. By the way, my older daughter quit college, and is moving out to an apartment next week. It will be interesting to see how that changes the environment of the household. Anyway, that's all I can type right now, as I am feeling my face flush, my chest tighten and my stomach churn.
PAX
Posted by Alii on February 8, 2003, at 21:31:23
In reply to Re: Hi!, posted by paxvox on February 8, 2003, at 20:49:52
Posted by beardedlady on February 9, 2003, at 6:37:30
In reply to Re: Hi!, posted by paxvox on February 8, 2003, at 20:49:52
Well, I agree that you have to do the confrontation thing. You know what I do? When hubby and I need to talk to/shout at each other, I take my daughter for an overnighter at my folks' house or to play with a neighbor's kid.
Don't plan the date with your wife because she probably won't show up if she knows in advance. But find out your daughter's plans, and when she won't be home, then's the time to do the confrontation.
Do you ever think about the D word? You sound so terribly sad and undeserving of coming home to silence every day.
My husband has who friend who was going through a similar thing. They have on kid out of the house, a teenager, and a daughter your daughter's age. It took him years, but he finally moved out.
And then he moved in with my best friend!
He is much happier now, and the kids are happier, too. Unfortunately, they are with the mother. It won't be long before he has custody of them. They both have their share of problems, but this woman is in a bad way. Like your wife, she refuses counseling (actually, the one time she went, her therapists took her husband's side after seeing her behavior with him and hearing his story).
Sometimes it's not even a question of your own happiness but of others' misery.
Good luck, Pax. I hope you can at least have that "talk."
beardy
Posted by noa on February 12, 2003, at 17:35:58
In reply to Doesn't even say NM! (nm), posted by beardedlady on February 8, 2003, at 8:07:05
This is the end of the thread.
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