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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by trouble on January 31, 2002, at 13:29:50
I can't believe I did this again.
I can't believe I've been walking around my trailer for the last 2 hours looking for a piece of paper.
I remember after talking to the guy who hired me to clean his house today, and I was very professional and impressive, he was nice and I told myself this is money, this is important. Put the address in a place you will find it. I said that out loud.I pretend. It's all pretending. Every day. I clean houses b/c that way you can keep replacing the clients you piss off. For every responsible action I contrive there are 5 unforgivable word-breaking fuck-ups. I tell no one this--that I was late b/c I spent 30 minutes looking for my shoes before I realized I was wearing them. Oh God, I think, if they only knew what a loser I am, but they know they know, I'm the one who won't face the facts. My GAF score is 45. Please is there anybody out there who is functioning in the world w/a GAF score btwn 45-50? If so, let's talk.
In the moment when doing unforgivable things like running out of gas on the way to a job, or arriving at a house only to find I left their housekey behind, losing the checks they write me for services etc I try do do the inner KIND PARENT/WILD CHILD self talk.
KP: Well now, you know you do this, let's not pretend we're shocked at the situation we've gotten ourselves in.
WC: I hate work, I hate people pulling on me, I shouldn't have to do this, I'm mentally ill, I'm an artist-
KP: Unfortunately we have to find a way to keep the groceries coming thru the door.
WC: I'm too sick. I can't do this, look at the mess.
KP: But somehow you've managed to survive on your own these 43 years.
WP: The last psych evaluation said I am slowly decompensating, year by year.
KP: Maybe you're just hanging onto these fragmented patterns to stay connected to the maniac you once were. That's what the therapist thinks anyway.
WC: But the psychiatrist is a MEDICAL DOCTOR and he said I am gradually decompensating. Look at my GAF score.
KP: Why don't we look on the PSB site?!Well, I'm calmer now. I know someone out there can relate to my problems. I don't know what decompensation means and I'm scared to look it. It sounds bad doesn't it?
Posted by IsoM on January 31, 2002, at 15:12:34
In reply to I hate my GAF and want to die, posted by trouble on January 31, 2002, at 13:29:50
Trouble (I love the name), I read this post because I had no idea what GAF was & was curious. So after I read it, I went to Google to see what it was. I have an idea now, but in my searches, I came across some psychologists/psychiatrists comments that think GAF is mostly a waste of time & show little use. Does that reassure you at all?
A lot of what you wrote sounds like me. Sometimes in my search for what I need & can't find, I'll find what I was looking for the day before, or other times, I'll get distracted, do something else & completely forget what I was even looking for. My sons say I make the perfect absent-minded professor - I can tell you in detail all about animals & plants but can't even remember the basic things I need to.
For me, I found that a computer is awfully hard to misplace, so I've started immediately walking over to my computer & transferring any information on paper to a folder I keep on the 'desktop'. I may lose the paper (I usually do) but all I have to do is click on the folder to find what I wrote down. It may take a minute to find what file it is, but I've yet to lose my computer in the house.
I have a small table by the stairs leading to the outside. I keep a few open containers there so I can drop my keys, change, & any papers in the containers & boxes. At first, I still needed to look for where I put them (& still occasionally do), as I hadn't formed the habit yet of putting them there. But I've gotten better over time & most days, I can find what I need on the table. And yes, I did like you did once - looked for shoes I was wearing.
People at work think I'm so organised. I'm not. I just really concentrate on it at work - after all, I only need to be organised about work things there. At home, I have to be organised about many different things. This *isn't* a plug for adrafinil, but I've noticed that things are coming together much better now that I'm taking it & I remember much easier where, what & why I was doing or using something before.
Curious - how does a person find what their GAF score is? Is there a on-line version, or is it only something that pdocs administer & score?
Posted by Rach on January 31, 2002, at 15:40:37
In reply to About GAF and Organisation » trouble, posted by IsoM on January 31, 2002, at 15:12:34
I also had no idea what a GAF was, but I have discovered some sites, so I will post them here. Please let me mention that I am not endorsing the opinions or ideas or whatever. They are just for people who would like more information.
http://www.behavenet.com/capsules/disorders/GAF.htm
A very brief explanation of what GAF is abouthttp://www.nmha.org/shcr/bestprac/more.cfm
Best (& Worst) Practices In Private Sector
Managed Mental Healthcare - The second paragraph talks about GAF scores.http://www.enabling.org/ia/sft/GAF.rtf
What the scores meantrouble - Please do not dwell on a 'score' that you have been given. It is more important to concentrate on functioning as best you can. Don't waste anymore energy thinking about a label that places you squarely into a category. You are an individual that deserves respect and love.
All the best,
Rachael
Posted by IsoM on January 31, 2002, at 17:38:16
In reply to Some links and stuff, posted by Rach on January 31, 2002, at 15:40:37
Posted by Dinah on January 31, 2002, at 20:34:24
In reply to I hate my GAF and want to die, posted by trouble on January 31, 2002, at 13:29:50
I really wouldn't worry about your GAF. Mental health types are required to assess all axes under the DSM-IV diagnostic rules, so they have to assign you a GAF. I got my records from an old pdoc and my GAF ranged from 50-55. It was probably due to suicidal ideation. It was no big deal. I knew I wasn't functioning too well, or why would I have come to see him? I've found out a lot worse things than that by reading my medical records.
However, I inferred from your previous post that you are familiar with your MMPI scores? Do you feel that they describe you? I'm a 2-7-8 and that really describes me. I like the MMPI way better than DSM IV diagnoses.
Posted by trouble on January 31, 2002, at 23:04:12
In reply to About GAF and Organisation » trouble, posted by IsoM on January 31, 2002, at 15:12:34
DEAR ISO
WOW. THANK YOU SO MUCH. You really did that thing, w/the shoes? I don't know why, but it's a relief to hear that. The computer idea is right on, as soon as I learn how to use mine i'm going to try it.
I get my GAF scores when examined by psychiatrists for one reason or another. This latest is from this month and it's lower than ever. Wah.
Anyway, thanks again, I feel much better.
Posted by trouble on January 31, 2002, at 23:16:24
In reply to Some links and stuff, posted by Rach on January 31, 2002, at 15:40:37
Hi Rachel,
Thank you for the links and encouraging words. I use my scores as ammunition against myself too much. It's like the way I use my worries and regrets, as if bludgeoning myself w/ these thoughts will keep me from repeating mistakes. I need other people to tell me I'm okay dagnabbit. Thanks!
Posted by trouble on February 1, 2002, at 0:10:35
In reply to Re: I hate my GAF and want to die » trouble, posted by Dinah on January 31, 2002, at 20:34:24
Hey Dinah,
Lately when stressed and castastrophizing I've noticed myself wondering "WHAT WOULD DINAH DO?"
What comes to mind is something along the lines of"Turn it down a notch, pop in a Nat King Cole cd and access your left brain. You do have a left brain you know."
What do you think?I don't know fromn those MMPI scores but I'll look thru my folder and see if they appear. There must be a dozen different scales and numbers here, standard deviation this and standard deviation that and MMPI-2 which in summary include the following doctor comments
"deteriorating",
"significant psychoychopathology",
"incompetence", "emotionally overloaded state", "very few inner resources for engaging in reciprocal exchanges of affection and compassion", "paranoid ideation", "moral decline", "chronic state of neediness", "guilt, shame, remorse", "strange and erratic thoughts", "may lead to further mental deterioration", "mildly anti-social", "thought disorder", "persistent pattern of odd or eccentric beliefs", "seriously disturbed", "quite prone to misinterpret her experiences" "in a very fragile state emotionally and will require close monitoring", oh, and my favorite, ..."most salient feature of this evaluation is the profound and constant emotional pain she seems to experience."Tragedienne.
Isn't that romantic.12 hundred dollars worth of MMPI-2, Thematic App.Test and the usual inkblots. I cried for 2 days after seeing it, wrote the doc a letter pleading w/ him to reconsider and he was breathtakingly sensitive about the whole thing, but, an impression is an impression I guess.
If I may ask, do your psychologicals involve such inspired language, or was my tester being unorthodox w/all the verbiage? The evaluation is 14 pages long, including an IQ test.
Social Security was not impressed, no benefits so far. Anyway what does 2-7 and 8 mean? Know of a good book I could check out to further torture myself with?Knowledge IS power, right?
Ok, Thanks!
Posted by Dinah on February 1, 2002, at 1:12:51
In reply to Re: I hate my GAF and want to die, posted by trouble on February 1, 2002, at 0:10:35
> Hey Dinah,
>
> Lately when stressed and castastrophizing I've noticed myself wondering "WHAT WOULD DINAH DO?"
> What comes to mind is something along the lines of
>
> "Turn it down a notch, pop in a Nat King Cole cd and access your left brain. You do have a left brain you know."
>
> What do you think?
>
I like that very much. :) Sounds just like me. But I didn't realize it came across so much in my posts. I was aiming for warm and empathetic.
The psychologist who wrote up my report was a determinedly chipper little thing who refused to put in anything negative. I of course had looked up all the tests I took and knew something about them. I wormed out of her the elevated scales, but she wouldn't give the exact numbers. That infuriated me, since it was after all my test and my results. So I reconstructed the MMPI, scoring protocols and all from textbooks, and gave myself the test. And came up with the same elevations she had told me. I'm not sure why she wouldn't give me the scores. They weren't all that elevated.
So I'm a 2-7-8 with a high 0 (for introverted). Which means that I'm ruminative, intellectualizing, tend to fall apart over any little problem, perfectionistic, obsessed with esoteric ideas, anxious, with suicidal ideation, and convinced of my basic sinfulness. Among other things. That's me all right.
But my most interesting psychological report came when I was 11 or 12. I was "borderline psychotic" and "must be tended to immediately." Which goes to show you that you can't take those reports too seriously. I was just an anxious and suicidally depressed little girl, with some OCD thrown in. And sometimes when you're convinced everyone is out to get you, you're not borderline psychotic, you're right. (I was the little girl everyone picked on in school).
Posted by IsoM on February 1, 2002, at 2:34:51
In reply to Re: About GAF and Organisation, posted by trouble on January 31, 2002, at 23:04:12
Yes, Trouble, I did do the shoes thing. I have another friend who's just as scatterbrained as me. The funny thing is that she's extremely brilliant - high IQ & a pleasure to talk with, but she said someone once asked her first husband if his wife (her) was mentally handicapped. There's actually quite a few of us out there.
I like what Dinah said "I like my little quirks most times". It's what make us so unique. Perhaps someday, you'll just shake your head at yurself & laugh about it. I, too, wander about sometimes talking to myself.
"Judy, you silly girl, you've done it again."
"Oh, leave me alone. It's not like you don't do anything wrong."
"Hah, why are you talking to yourself again?"
"You know why. It's because I can talk to myself & laugh at myself at the same time. I understand myself even if no one else does."
It's mostly in jest but it helps me focus on what I'm doing sometimes to talk outloud to myself, asking where I just put something or why I just did something.Don't take yourself too seriously, if you can help it.
Posted by Rach on February 2, 2002, at 3:01:41
In reply to Re: Some links and stuff, posted by trouble on January 31, 2002, at 23:16:24
> Hi Rachel,
>
> Thank you for the links and encouraging words. I use my scores as ammunition against myself too much. It's like the way I use my worries and regrets, as if bludgeoning myself w/ these thoughts will keep me from repeating mistakes. I need other people to tell me I'm okay dagnabbit. Thanks!
Posted by Rach on February 2, 2002, at 3:05:33
In reply to But Is There On-line Testing Available? (nm) » Rach, posted by IsoM on January 31, 2002, at 17:38:16
Posted by Rach on February 2, 2002, at 3:07:07
In reply to Re: I hate my GAF and want to die, posted by trouble on February 1, 2002, at 0:10:35
> Knowledge IS power, right?
>Just be careful that, like you said, you don't use that power against yourself, instead of to empower yourself.
This is the end of the thread.
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