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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Racer on September 3, 2007, at 15:05:07
It's hard to discuss this, but here goes: we don't have sex. Haven't for years, and it hurts a lot. Even when we were undergoing fertility treatments, he wouldn't touch me. And I mean that fairly literally: I have to kinda cringe my way up against him on the sofa to get any contact at all, and it's not full on cuddling, just sitting up against him.
Gee, I wonder why I feel so isolated so often?
Anyway, the other night I went to dinner with a group of friends, and there was a single man along, too. I know him about as well as I know the other people there, he's very sweet, very nice, and I like him just fine. He was standing behind me in the restaurant, and suddenly put his hands on my shoulders and started to rub. I got teased for my reaction -- but after they peeled me off the ceiling, it felt pretty good to have hands on me. And I realized it was the most physical intimacy I've had in years.
It started me thinking: what the hell do I do? Do I resign myself to being celibate within a marriage? Do I sacrifice my marriage in hopes of forming an attachment which includes sex? Do I break my vows for the limited purpose of having a sexual relationship? What the hell am I supposed to do???
I know the answers, but I can't find an answer which doesn't include some major sacrifice on my part. The lack of sexual intimacy is hurting me a lot. It feeds my depression, my body distortion problems, my isolation and loneliness. I can't find a way to accept it, even though I've been trying for several years now.
I love my husband, and we're well matched in many ways. I know he loves me the best he can, but he's a natural born hermit, and apparently entirely self-contained. I may have unmet needs, but I also have other important needs. What's more, and this is not something I'm proud of, I don't think I could support myself around here anymore. It's too expensive, I've been too damaged now, and know I just couldn't earn enough to support myself right now.
And I can't see any way that having a sexual relationship with someone else could ever work out. Sure, I'm sure I could find a way to work out the mechanics of time, place, etc. But emotionally? Emotionless sex wouldn't be satisfying, but emotional sex outside of marriage just doesn't seem as though it could work without leaving everyone damaged by it.
So, no answers I can find. What the hell do I do?
Has anyone had this problem and resolved it in a way that worked out? Do you have any advice?
Thanks
Posted by ClearSkies on September 3, 2007, at 19:09:59
In reply to Sex within marriage and infidelity, posted by Racer on September 3, 2007, at 15:05:07
Racer, I've come back and read your post 3 times. You are the last person, the very last person I can think of, for whom intimacy should be missing from your marriage. It's like having an entire dimension missing from your universe; it's a human right, it's, it's, it's...
I have no words. Except again to insist that it's your right as a human being to have intimacy with another human being.
Your loving and caring friend,
CS
Posted by caraher on September 3, 2007, at 21:07:39
In reply to Sex within marriage and infidelity, posted by Racer on September 3, 2007, at 15:05:07
"I know the answers, but I can't find an answer which doesn't include some major sacrifice on my part."
Right. So which sacrifices do you make? The one you're making now? You're at least accustomed to it, so it's probably less scary than changing.
I'm sorry I don't know all your details, about you and about your husband. I don't know what you've tried to change things. I assume you HAVE tried; if not, that's the obvious first thing to look at...
I've got my own problems so I'm not one to feign wisdom here. (I guess my problems are more having such a hard time with mundane, day-to-day interactions with my wife. Oh, and maybe deeper stuff too... I mostly try not to think about it.)
Posted by karen_kay on September 4, 2007, at 13:13:25
In reply to Sex within marriage and infidelity, posted by Racer on September 3, 2007, at 15:05:07
(((((racer)))))
i don't have anything profound, thoughtful or of the sort to say to you dear. i'm sure you've talked to him about this. and therapy. i just wanted you to know i'm thinking about you dear.
and your post really made me think about my own marriage, so thank you for that.
you deserve touch from your companion. it's a human need and right.
whatever you decide dear, my thoughts are with you.take very good care of yourself racer, you deserve it.
kk
Posted by ClearSkies on September 7, 2007, at 8:05:00
In reply to Re: Sex within marriage and infidelity » Racer, posted by ClearSkies on September 3, 2007, at 19:09:59
After reading some of your other posts currently going, I think that it would be a big mistake for you to think of this as a need. And that you might be being needy by wanting intimacy in your life. This is a right. Got that?
(Not that I expect you to respond, at this point, but just to make myself heard, er, read.)CS
Posted by Squiggles on September 7, 2007, at 9:31:57
In reply to And thinking a bit further, posted by ClearSkies on September 7, 2007, at 8:05:00
I'm with Aristotle on this: sex belongs to the
"appetitive soul" -- that is, it is an appetite shared with all animals. I suppose everyone has a right to that, but some cultures have really glorified it. I think its importance and value depends on what hormonal stage of life you are at.
It becomes an absolute passion impermeable to reason around adolescence for example. It is also a pathological drive in people with mania (erotomania) and (no offense) in pedophilia and other disorders of volition, sexual drive, and drug withdrawal.
Squiggles
Posted by Racer on September 7, 2007, at 11:54:16
In reply to And thinking a bit further, posted by ClearSkies on September 7, 2007, at 8:05:00
> After reading some of your other posts currently going, I think that it would be a big mistake for you to think of this as a need. And that you might be being needy by wanting intimacy in your life. This is a right. Got that?
Ack! My brain has turned to Swiss cheese lately, and I don't know if I understand this part. Are you saying that I have a right to intimacy? Or that my current issues in therapy might be making me think I have a need for intimacy, when it's really more neediness in the negative sense?
I'm sorry -- I've been having a lot of trouble understanding things, lately. I am trying to tell myself it's related to stopping all those hormones, but I'm not sure...
> (Not that I expect you to respond, at this point, but just to make myself heard, er, read.)
>
> CSAnd I'm sorry if not responding to your earlier post lead you to believe I didn't read it, hear it, or care that you responded. I did read it, I think I heard what you were saying -- and I certainly felt comforted by what you had to say.
Posted by karen_kay on September 7, 2007, at 14:50:01
In reply to Re: And thinking a bit further » ClearSkies, posted by Racer on September 7, 2007, at 11:54:16
wasn't the most basic food, water, other basics along with sex. (it's been a while since i've taken psych classes, so i can't remember much about it, but i believe the theory is that you can't climb higher without having the lower. oh, my mind's swiss cheese too racer dear, but the highest is self-actualization, i believe.)
anywhoo, sex and intimacy is most certainly a need dear. i believe most people don't feel safe and secure without it. and you have every right to want that dear.
sorry if i'm intruding. your 'need' comment reminded me of a psych class, whcih reminded me of that pyramid thingie. i'm sure you can look it up, if you feel like it.
take care of yourself please.
kk
Posted by ClearSkies on September 7, 2007, at 14:56:54
In reply to Re: And thinking a bit further » ClearSkies, posted by Racer on September 7, 2007, at 11:54:16
> > After reading some of your other posts currently going, I think that it would be a big mistake for you to think of this as a need. And that you might be being needy by wanting intimacy in your life. This is a right. Got that?
>
> Ack! My brain has turned to Swiss cheese lately, and I don't know if I understand this part. Are you saying that I have a right to intimacy?
Yes! That's what I'm saying. That you aren't reflecting being needy by wanting an intimacy that you don't have, but you're reflecting a basic human right to it. It's not a bad thing, not a negative thing - except for the absence of it.
I hope that clearerer.ClearSkies
Posted by Squiggles on September 7, 2007, at 14:57:13
In reply to hierarchy of needs..., posted by karen_kay on September 7, 2007, at 14:50:01
That's Maslow -- he is one of the modern
psychologists, but not the only one to write
on human needs, though probably the most popular
in current readings.Squiggles
This is the end of the thread.
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