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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by ClearSkies on July 26, 2007, at 14:52:36
Regarding my step daughter. She has cut herself off as best she can from her family. No phone - she rung up a $300 bill and defaulted on it. Defaulted on her rent, we found out when her landlord called us looking for her, 'cause her phone wasn't working. We guess she's moved in with her new love? Then her place of work called us Monday looking for her because she didn't show up and hadn't called in, and she usually gets herself to a payphone at least to say she's got Monday disease. So all these fingers are pointing to us to find her and have answers for where she is, but we have nowhere even to look. Don't even know her BF's last name, and we gather that he's been living at a jobsite where part of the house is finished and the owner/builder let him move in for the duration of the job. I do know that he doesn't have a car.
So, I persuaded my husband to call a counselor specializing in interventions. I got all the information before all the contacts with his daughter got reset to zero. But husband finally called, because the rest of his family - his ex-wife, the other daughter, and the son, are all so very worried and angry and at their collective wits' ends.
DH had a couple of telephone consultations with the counselor, who was out of town at the time. Tonight he has an appointment with her, and he seems angry - with ME, somehow. For getting him "into" this. See, I really, really think my spouse could benefit from some therapy of his own. But if this appointment turns out to be a planning session as to what to do when/if the daughter ever reappears, then that's fine with me - at least there will be a plan in place.
But I wasn't expecting him to be mad with me. Like I set him up or something.
Oh, I don't know. I just thought he needed to be able to talk to someone, you know, in the professional field, about what to do with a grown up child with substance abuse problems, and, increasingly, legal problems, and issues about facing up to the responsibilities of life.
I feel defensive about this and I don't know why.
That's all.ClearSkies
Posted by antigua3 on July 26, 2007, at 15:12:46
In reply to Quite a tangent from my thread above, posted by ClearSkies on July 26, 2007, at 14:52:36
I'd feel a bit defensive too. What are you supposed to do, sit by the sidelines and watch her die? You care enough and are separate enough from her that you can see things your husband can't, or mostly likely won't.
It's easy to make you the fall guy--it's called projection, right? Just feel strong in that you are doing the right thing.
I'm glad to have clear skies back.
take care,
antigua
Posted by ClearSkies on July 27, 2007, at 12:28:42
In reply to Re: Quite a tangent from my thread above, posted by antigua3 on July 26, 2007, at 15:12:46
He was at the appointment for over an hour, and I think it was a good thing for all of us that he went.
We (in the immediate family) are going to all get together with the counselor and figure out our roles for an intervention. There are travel plans to be made and research to be done.All my husband's anger went poof! and all the loving concern came flooding back. It's a scary time but this step daughter has an entire team of family who absolutely are pulling for her, and so I hope we'll work together to make it happen.
cs
Posted by ClearSkies on July 30, 2007, at 8:01:35
In reply to Re: Quite a tangent from my thread above » antigua3, posted by ClearSkies on July 27, 2007, at 12:28:42
Any chances of getting the step daughter willingly into any help. Yesterday evening we met the young couple at a coffee shop, to clear the air. I found the young man to be evasive, unforthcoming, duplicitous, and really uncharming. What was worse was that I called him on it, and told him that I had his number. SD was visibly miserable the entire time (you want to marry this person because you're so happy to be with him?? I'm thinking?), then she started to cry. Then I started to cry. Then I told the guy that he hadn't come clean with us at all - all we know is bad news we've heard 2nd hand, etc. And he stalked out.
And then called us on her cell phone, that they are sharing (how do they call each other?? though the whole idea is that he does not let her out of his sight), to say that DH and I are uninvited to their wedding. DH was so angry with me for not playing along with the guy's story. What was the point - to dupe them into trusting us? A relationship based on even more lies? I can't do that.It was just awful. I couldn't keep my mouth shut. I couldn't sit there and listen to him spin his tale of lies and non-truths, and I made the utterly stupid mistake of telling him that I could see through his facade. I think I have managed to push SD away for good.
I'm so stupid. I thought I was protecting her. I'm no good at playing games, I'm not able to pretend that everything is OK when it very clearly is not.
Posted by gardenergirl on July 30, 2007, at 8:38:26
In reply to I think I've ruined any chances, posted by ClearSkies on July 30, 2007, at 8:01:35
Well that sounds like a truly awful time. I'm sorry.
I think that speaking up was not a bad thing. I definitely go for it versus playing along and acting against what your head and heart are telling you. And as the step-mom, you actually get a bit more lee-way to do that, imo. Of course, that makes you the bad guy, too, when others find it painful to hear. :(My guess is that DH's focus is on his fear of losing her for good. In that fear, you might be an easy target to shift blame on or for his emotions.
And maybe that fear makes it hard for him to see how your statements might actually do some good someday for his daughter. Maybe not today. Maybe not with this man. But someday, maybe. What sucks is that you may never know of it, either. But I think your speaking up was a generous gift of your wisdom, your love, and your self. I'm sorry for the backlash.
(((((cs))))))
gg
Posted by ClearSkies on July 30, 2007, at 9:24:00
In reply to Re: I think I've ruined any chances » ClearSkies, posted by gardenergirl on July 30, 2007, at 8:38:26
Thank you, GG. I really needed to read this right now. Our house is a construction destruction zone right now and DH and I are just headed out the door for an overnight trip away. There's too, too much going on right now for my head to process.
Therapist said to breathe in and breathe out.
I am going to practice this right now.cs
Posted by Honore on July 30, 2007, at 10:17:23
In reply to I think I've ruined any chances, posted by ClearSkies on July 30, 2007, at 8:01:35
Dear ClearSkies,
You haven't ruined anything. If you have, it's because that would have been what happened anyway-- and you are just the person/event that's going to be pointed at. But no one day, no one conversation every ruins something, when it's there-- when it's there, it stays there, and keeps the person coming back.
This is, in fact, one of those awful, impossible, terribly painful for everyone situations-- including, I'm sure, your SD--even though I'm concerned she won't admit it for years. I very much hope that isn't it. But I can actually, from personal experience, assure you that if it is-- it won't be because of you. It will be because of a long, complicated history, and life-- of her own-- and many many things that have happened, and that have interacted with her temperament and beliefs, and self-- and in which you play a role, because you are after all her Step mother-- But you came onto the scene long after the damage was mostly done-- even if you do get to be the one who's blamed.
I think maybe you have to learn to deflect that blame, if it comes your way-- because it doesn't belong to you. But there is a reason the StepMother in Fairy Tales is evil-- it's too hard to blame the real parents.
But what I want to say is that when a child (or person) is on an unconscious mission of self-destruction, it can be awfully hard to find any way to intervene helpfully-- and especially to be thanked any time soon for it. I truly have been there on this--- and I know just how impossible it is for all involved to find the way in-- when all roads seem to lead to potential disasters.
You did the right thing-- I think-- telling the truth, out of love and caring. Maybe it's best not to be too emotional--although real loving emotion is mostly a good thing, honestly-- when telling the truth- but I really do think, you can only do what you can-- the real you can help them much much more than any phony playing along.
I'm really so sorry, though, that the situation is so tangled and full of land mines. Remember to take care of yourself, though, please?
(((Clearskies)))
Honore
Posted by Phillipa on July 30, 2007, at 11:05:59
In reply to Re: I think I've ruined any chances, posted by Honore on July 30, 2007, at 10:17:23
Clear Skies I'm so sorry. Thought things had settled down with step daughter. You can only do so much the rest is up to her. Love Phillipa
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 30, 2007, at 13:49:20
In reply to Re: I think I've ruined any chances, posted by Phillipa on July 30, 2007, at 11:05:59
Hi CS,
there's a time for being honest, and "meet the parents" is a good time to come clean.This guy is the poison. Even though SD may end up defending him and her relationship in the short run, in the long run, she will probably take your statements and give them more than a passing thought.
You've cast a shadow over her marriage, and one that will make her doubt herself. This is far better than the alternative, which is to find out, years later that one has made the biggest mistake of one's life and lost years.
yes, you may be the stepmother, but you don't have to be the evil one. You're not speaking from a wish to destroy her happiness, but rather from a place where you want to support her
And your chemical situation has me deeply sympathetic. You need someone to bring you a warm fuzzy and tuck you in. too much sleep is awful, but maybe it's protecting you from something.
your friend,
-Ll
Posted by clearskies on July 30, 2007, at 17:31:58
In reply to Re: I think I've ruined any chances, posted by Phillipa on July 30, 2007, at 11:05:59
> Clear Skies I'm so sorry. Thought things had settled down with step daughter. You can only do so much the rest is up to her. Love Phillipa
I know. She went all quiet on us when she met this man, and now she isn't allowed to see us without him. Too weird. Frightening, really. My T has advised for my own personal mental health to stay out of this and I know it's wise. My heart, though, is breaking in a thousand pieces with every beat. That poor young woman.
Oh, and I got the date of my new pdoc appt WRONG - it's tomorrow!! So we are racing home - we went out of town thinking we'd have a little mini-break. My head is just completely messed up at the moment. It's very unnerving to feel so out of it like this.thanks again
cs
Posted by clearskies on July 30, 2007, at 17:34:07
In reply to Re: I think I've ruined any chances, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 30, 2007, at 13:49:20
Llurpsie, your post made me cry happy tears. Thank you so much for your response; it means an awful lot to me.
Yours in chemical imbalance,
cs
Posted by clearskies on July 31, 2007, at 8:26:26
In reply to I think I've ruined any chances, posted by ClearSkies on July 30, 2007, at 8:01:35
Including a voicemail from the guy calling me that worst name in the book, the C word! First time that's ever happened, at least to my knowledge. He was very drunk and very angry.
But, the sun broke through long enough that SD is going to see a counselor today with her father. Willingly. I'm bowing out, gratefully, and who knows what if anything will come of the discussion, but no coercion was necessary. It was an exhausting and bruising (emotionally) day.
I want to remind people here that domestic violence takes many forms; that physical force is just one way of harming a partner. Emotional and verbal abuse is just as traumatic as a bruise, slap or broken bone is. I realized, at 2AM when I still couldn't sleep, that my SD's young man triggered some still very painful memories in me of a traumatic 18 year marriage that I survived. I know that my outburst towards him was rooted in the anger and burning hatred that I still harbour deep within me, and that it actually blinded me, almost physically, to where I could see my ex spouse's face superimposed on his. It stunned me to know that I still had this fight left in me, and that I was protecting myself as much as trying to protect my SD when I told him that I had him all figured out.
It all makes too much sense.
cs
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 31, 2007, at 13:29:11
In reply to Yesterday had some very ugly bits TRIGGER, posted by clearskies on July 31, 2007, at 8:26:26
Hi clearSkies,
you write> I want to remind people here that domestic violence takes many forms; that physical force is just one way of harming a partner. Emotional and verbal abuse is just as traumatic as a bruise, slap or broken bone is. I realized, at 2AM when I still couldn't sleep, that my SD's young man triggered some still very painful memories in me of a traumatic 18 year marriage that I survived. I know that my outburst towards him was rooted in the anger and burning hatred that I still harbour deep within me, and that it actually blinded me, almost physically, to where I could see my ex spouse's face superimposed on his. It stunned me to know that I still had this fight left in me, and that I was protecting myself as much as trying to protect my SD when I told him that I had him all figured out.
>
> It all makes too much sense.
>
> cs
That sense of FIGHT is why he's your Ex-husband. I only wish it were possible to divorce one's parents.ll
Posted by ClearSkies on July 31, 2007, at 19:01:51
In reply to Re: Yesterday had some very ugly bits TRIGGER » clearskies, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 31, 2007, at 13:29:11
> That sense of FIGHT is why he's your Ex-husband. I only wish it were possible to divorce one's parents.
>
> ll
>
Yes, that's very true. I was married for 18 years, though. It took me a long time to learn to fight.
And I do think there is something to be said for divorcing ourselves in the emotional sense from our parents. Making ourselves absent from their lives - for our own good - for however long it takes for us to heal. Not going home for holidays, or being present for anniversary parties. I have "divorced" myself from my mother in the past, and it has helped me. (My father is deceased.)She never noticed that I wasn't there, either. Living many miles away, or not being able to afford to travel have been convenient, if barely true, reasons that have helped me keep my distance. It's a constant struggle, because I wish I had that "Mom", you know, that everybody else seemed to have? (But nobody else apparently did?)
Take care of yourself, LlurpsieNoodle. Tonight I increase my Remeron dosage and am looking forward to being less lethargic in the days ahead.
cs
This is the end of the thread.
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