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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 23 of 23. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by scratchpad on April 10, 2007, at 8:44:22
My step daughter is destroying her life, and I get to watch. I spoke to her out of love with concern for her substance abuse, and have been vilified for it. I cried for hours last night, and today I look a mess and I'm still leaking.
Funny (not ha ha but oh so odd) I got a new copy of "Codependent No More" and seeing myself all over the pages is a repeat slap in the face. I'm the poster child for the week.
We're going to have to get the locks changed on the house as step daughter's chums are revenge-oriented.
More later, I have to go. I just had to get this poison out of me somewhere.
Scratchpad
Posted by scratchpad on April 10, 2007, at 13:19:47
In reply to Step daughter angst, posted by scratchpad on April 10, 2007, at 8:44:22
I'm stuck in cosmic goo and can't get out.
sp
Posted by Happyflower on April 11, 2007, at 11:32:53
In reply to Step daughter angst, posted by scratchpad on April 10, 2007, at 8:44:22
(((((scratchpad))))
Stepkids can be monesters sometimes. Probably the #1 lesson I have learn from being a stepparent for over 13 years, is just to keep my mouth shut and let the father intervene, no matter how much I care and have concern. I feel I even care more than her own father. But it just seems no matter what you say to them, it will be taken the wrong way.
It is really hard to hold my tongue when I see her parent her kid, and with another one on the way, yikes! She isn't a bad parent. I am even careful (walking on egg shells) when she does ask for advice. It is a tough role to be in. If I had it to do over again, I probably wouldn't.
Posted by scratchpad on April 11, 2007, at 13:09:53
In reply to Re: Step daughter angst, posted by Happyflower on April 11, 2007, at 11:32:53
I do seem to have turned the relationship into a big stinky pile of crap. Her dad is avoidant; I stepped into that silence and emptiness and probably have ruined any chance of she and I being on good terms again.
Her mom is of no help (not that we talk or anything). She does seem to be very good at enabling, no surprise there.disengage, disengage
it's so hard to do when your heart is broken
Posted by Happyflower on April 11, 2007, at 20:02:17
In reply to Re: Step daughter angst » Happyflower, posted by scratchpad on April 11, 2007, at 13:09:53
Yup, I have had my heart very broken too. My DH sounds like yours, and his ex wife sounds like the one you have to deal with. ((((scratchpad))))
Posted by scratchpad on April 11, 2007, at 20:56:10
In reply to Re: Step daughter angst, posted by Happyflower on April 11, 2007, at 20:02:17
Posted by scratchpad on April 16, 2007, at 11:28:50
In reply to Re: Step daughter angst » Happyflower, posted by scratchpad on April 11, 2007, at 13:09:53
My husband expects his daughter to apologize to me; she expects me to apologize to her; I expect to not have any contact with her in the near future. It's a sad situation.
Posted by zenhussy on April 17, 2007, at 11:39:03
In reply to Stalemate, posted by scratchpad on April 16, 2007, at 11:28:50
the situation sounds sad yet protecting yourself is what you must attend to first....you've learned so much about the importance of self care over the past few years. you've done much to build up those supports and maintain them and this is a testing of the mettel of your boundaries.
it probably doesn't feel like a victory to know that you're able to step back and put your needs first but it is one.
surround yourself with allies who believe in your right to not be involved in this fray between father and daughter. you have the right to keep your sanity separate from the insanity created within families.
you feel how you feel. allow yourself that regardless of their issues. tc and stay strong.
Posted by scratchpad on April 17, 2007, at 14:54:24
In reply to Re: Stalemate » scratchpad, posted by zenhussy on April 17, 2007, at 11:39:03
> the situation sounds sad yet protecting yourself is what you must attend to first....you've learned so much about the importance of self care over the past few years. you've done much to build up those supports and maintain them and this is a testing of the mettel of your boundaries.
>It feels awfully selfish in a bad way.
> it probably doesn't feel like a victory to know that you're able to step back and put your needs first but it is one.
>Eh? Have you been talking to my T??!
> surround yourself with allies who believe in your right to not be involved in this fray between father and daughter. you have the right to keep your sanity separate from the insanity created within families.
>I think what is so upsetting is the real-time deja-vue, deja-ecoute... except when I was spiraling downwards I had only like-minded people around me, whereas my step daughter's entire immediate family is expressing alarm and grave concern for her health and wellbeing. I know that I feel a bizarre touch of jealousy that she has so many people showing such concern. (Sour grapes for Scratchpad.)
> you feel how you feel. allow yourself that regardless of their issues. tc and stay strong.thank you, Zen.
Posted by scratchpad on May 23, 2007, at 15:54:43
This is my life lesson in detachment. Standing by and not trying to Make Things Better (as if I could!). SD was arrested for misdemeanor drug possession, and obstruction of justice. She was sitting in traffic when she decided to light up a joint. A policeman on foot patrol knocked on her window... whereupon she abandoned her vehicle, running away. She was apprehended by mounted police (ok stop laughing now) and was cuffed in front of everyone else who was stick stuck in traffic, and taken away for processing.
Her dad says, "she has a problem." I say, maybe it's time for an intervention?, before she hurts herself or someone else? She already ran out of gas several weeks ago in the middle of the night during the week, and called her ex-boyfriend to rescue her, because she didn't want to risk calling the car rescue service, because she had been drinking. Then she put a restraining order on the ex-bf because he kept calling her.
I gave her dad the business card of a counselor who does interventions, recommended by my T. I have a copy of "Codependent No More" that sits, unread. I have one of the HBO DVDs of their excellent series on addiction. My husband suggested that I watch it while he is out of town this week.
So I'm trying to stay detached, and he's busy sticking his head in the sand. Can you say DENIAL? AVOIDANCE? It's making me so upset. I don't want to care. I want this girl to have an epiphany and realize that her life long ago spun out of control. She's an addict - I can recognize myself in her. It's breaking my heart. I don't think I can do anything else - I've put all the tools of help at hand and made all the suggestions I can. She and I aren't on speaking terms. She's not welcome in our home.
It's so sad. I can't stop worrying about it.
sp
Posted by llurpsienoodle on May 24, 2007, at 8:04:13
In reply to The stepdaughter story, contd, posted by scratchpad on May 23, 2007, at 15:54:43
:(
I had a friend like that in college. My best friend, actually. One drama after another.
We did end up having an intervention for her after her drug use escalated to cocaine and she was spending too much quality time with her dealers. After she was basically flunking all her classes in search of the next thing she could assault her poor nervous system with.
3 friends who loved her. an ex narc addict (narc anon campus sponsor counsellor person) and someone else in the eaves if things got too ugly.
we had to tell her how much we loved her. how specific incidents of her use had left us hurt. how her behavior scared us.
She broke down, and though she didn't change her ways immediately, she was able to squeak through the semester. She promptly changed scenery, left college and found herself in a situation where she couldn't find a pill or a smoke or worse just around the corner.
She's doing okay now. She ought to be in therapy, but at least she's not using.
I don't know what to tell you other than- it hurts. you have to take care of yourself so that you'll be strong enough to help her pick up the pieces. But you can't pick them up for her. She has to decide to do that herself.
If it's any consolation, I can't really imagine you in the "evil stepmother" role. That kind of cracks me up actually ;)
take care, you
-Ll
Posted by Happyflower on May 24, 2007, at 10:52:23
In reply to The stepdaughter story, contd, posted by scratchpad on May 23, 2007, at 15:54:43
Hi scratchpad,
I think your stepdaughter will have to live her life she is making with all the coincedences before she will learn. But she has to do it.
Interventions only work when they are ready to see what they are doing and she is old enough that she needs to find out on her own.
Part of being detached is being detached from the situation. If you are telling your husband what needs to be done, you are still very much involved. Because I am sure if your DH deceided to follow your advice, the stepdaughter would know it was your idea and not his. It would backfire on you. The best thing is to let her mother and father deal with this because when a stepparent becomes involved when there are bioparents around, the kid will know who is doing what.
I didn't used to feel this way because I care very much for my step-now-adults, but it never was okay to get myself involved even if it was because I cared. But I had to do it with one of the stepkids because she started to use me against her father because she knew I cared and knew her dad was "distant", so she did sh*t to me to get me riled up, to get her dad to pay attention to her. If you detach yourself from the stepdaugher completely , that includes not talking about her with her father, the fathter will HAVE to do something eventually. You are still getting hurt and that tells me you haven't detached yourself from her. Please take cre of yourself during this, let your husband do his job. My DH had his head in the sand, and when I disengaged, he had to do something about it on his own. I know the situation sucks. Good luck.
Posted by scratchpad on May 24, 2007, at 12:03:00
In reply to Re: The stepdaughter story, contd, posted by Happyflower on May 24, 2007, at 10:52:23
Thanks, I know that you are right. I'm crying. That part of me is so scared that as much as my DH is not acting on the apparent danger I see his daughter in makes me feel very very much alone. Which we all are anyway, but it hurts to see it in action, you know?
We have a lot of crap going on right now anyway. Financial house stuff, he hates his job, meanwhile I haven't worked in 2 years and the thought of finding something full time just to get the health benefits makes me want to just say Forget It. Can you tell my AD isn't working yet? I even canceled my T appointment this week. I want to hide. I want it all to get better. I want it not to hurt like it does.
Sh*t.
Posted by Happyflower on May 24, 2007, at 12:12:18
In reply to Re: The stepdaughter story, contd » Happyflower, posted by scratchpad on May 24, 2007, at 12:03:00
It DOES hurt, and it does SUCK. I wouldnt' want to go through it again that is for sure. Okay, here is some disclosure from me. Do you feel somehow that when you see your DH ignoring the prolems with his own daughter, do you see that it can happen to you too? I think I did, and that is what made it so hard, becauase I also saw the child in me who was ignored too, and that sort of brings up all kinds of issues. My DH style is to put his head in the sand, and it is so hard to live with. I just want to shake the sh*t out of him sometimes to get him to do something for our marriage, for our life.
I guess we are going through some sh*t too in our lives, house problems, he has a new company he is working for who bought out his formal employer, so things don't feel very secure. Then add my sh*t to the mix, I can't seem to pull both of us up like I used to do because I am having trouble feeling up to doing anything. I want to hide too, but my T is trying to keep me from doing that. When is your next appointment with your T? Can they help, just a little for you?
Posted by scratchpad on May 24, 2007, at 14:44:04
In reply to (((((scratchpad)))))))))))), posted by Happyflower on May 24, 2007, at 12:12:18
yes yes yes
my mom still manages to walk and talk with her head in the sand. if she doesn't acknowledge that anything is wrong, then nothing is wrong. right up until the day she left my dad she never said a word about her plans to leave (and she didn't take me along!) so i have some deep scars and issues about abandonment. even now mom goes so far as to only watch soap operas on tv and reads no newspapers. very isolated. my dh on the other hand is like a news addict - hurricane season, omigod he is glued to the weather channel. but when it comes to personal problems he says nothing. sees a lot but says nothing.so i realized that the situation with my step daughter is very triggering for my alcoholism. i see my pdoc tomorrow and might ask about adjusting my Campral dosage. right now i feel like throwing it all away, which is not how i usually approach my life.
thanks for sharing hf sorry i can't be bothered to use caps this afternoon but it's that kind of day. i've made myself a cup of tea and i'm going to disappear into a book for a little bit.
thanks again this means a lot to me.
sp
Posted by scratchpad on May 25, 2007, at 7:35:28
In reply to The stepdaughter story, contd, posted by scratchpad on May 23, 2007, at 15:54:43
Posted by Happyflower on May 25, 2007, at 13:37:30
In reply to hey, i think i got consolidated (nm), posted by scratchpad on May 25, 2007, at 7:35:28
Consolidated is good you think? LOL
I was looking all over for this thread and didn't realize it was an old thread that I was talking with you on before. But it is waaayyyyyy up at the top now, and I didn't see it.
I hope you are having a little more peace, have a good weekend, or if you can't, be a nasty stepmonester and put them in timeout until they behave, DH and the kids. Only joking, take care. ;-)
Posted by scratchpad on May 25, 2007, at 16:53:55
In reply to Re: hey, i think i got consolidated » scratchpad, posted by Happyflower on May 25, 2007, at 13:37:30
Yeah, we were talking near the bottom of the page, and then we moved up closer to the middle... I'm getting dizzy.
You have a great weekend too. We are going to stay put.
sp
Posted by scratchpad on June 3, 2007, at 13:22:36
In reply to Re: The stepdaughter story, contd, posted by Happyflower on May 24, 2007, at 10:52:23
After our holiday weekend, from which she was excluded, she must have realized how isolated she has made herself.
She called her dad and asked to speak to me. Said that she knew that I was trying to help her, and that she loved me.When she came over for a visit later she recounted how she tried opium last week. Ummm. Probably not wise for someone on parole?
I stayed shut up. I kept my advice and sharp words to myself. I feel rather numb. Isn't it weird that she wants to be close to us, and then flaunts her odd (nice way of saying stupid!!) life choices. But I didn't get anxious or worked up about it. At least I can keep myself removed from her escapades.
I do think there is an eventual conclusion coming here.
sp
Posted by zenhussy on June 4, 2007, at 18:56:02
In reply to She apologized to me, posted by scratchpad on June 3, 2007, at 13:22:36
Posted by scratchpad on June 19, 2007, at 7:38:56
In reply to not getting anxious or worked up about it? awesome (nm) » scratchpad, posted by zenhussy on June 4, 2007, at 18:56:02
I'm doing OK, but my DH is getting himself tied up in knots over this. Father's Day, oy vey. She had "nothing planned" and was going to spend all day with us. Good thing we didn't wait for her arrival. Her phone wasn't working, so we couldn't get in touch; and she showed up, drunk, at 8:30pm with her latest boyfriend whom she plays chauffeur for.
Her phone has been turned off. She got a bill for $300 and she judged that it was too high. So she isn't going to pay it.Zen, it's like watching a car wreck in slow motion. DH's heart is broken in two. I sit in the same room and try to remove myself emotionally. There's no point talking to someone who is drunk, just ask me. My obsessive thinking about her problems has subsided. What's left behind is a feeling of abject horror and pity.
Scratchpad
Posted by zenhussy on June 21, 2007, at 16:57:28
In reply to Re: not getting anxious or worked up about it? » zenhussy, posted by scratchpad on June 19, 2007, at 7:38:56
>>>I'm doing OK, but my DH is getting himself tied up in knots over this. Father's Day, oy vey. She had "nothing planned" and was going to spend all day with us. Good thing we didn't wait for her arrival. Her phone wasn't working, so we couldn't get in touch; and she showed up, drunk, at 8:30pm with her latest boyfriend whom she plays chauffeur for.
Her phone has been turned off. She got a bill for $300 and she judged that it was too high. So she isn't going to pay it.
Zen, it's like watching a car wreck in slow motion. DH's heart is broken in two. I sit in the same room and try to remove myself emotionally. There's no point talking to someone who is drunk, just ask me. My obsessive thinking about her problems has subsided. What's left behind is a feeling of abject horror and pity.
Scratchpad<<<
it is so hard to see someone you love dearly and that your DH loves absolutely on the crash and burn path. it is like watching a car wreck in slow motion when a loved one can't/won't hear the pleas to stop and to get help.horror and pity. gosh scratchy that sounds rotten to feel like that but somehow better than being so immersed in the obsessive thinking. it is good you're not as attached and you're aware of things you cannot control as this situation will mostly likely continue with some fairly severe consequences...moreso that ditching the cell due to a $300 bill. collections will find her. sounds like stepdaughter has several more steps to stumble down before her personal bottom. = (
do whatever it is you do to keep your heart strength up and your spirit cleared and your mind rested. with that you'll be better able to help DH when [eventually] he lets go of the craziness his daughter has him caught up in.
so sorry. have watched loved ones do similar. fortunately one of those loved ones is doing well on road to recovery which really wasn't expected given the depth of the personal bottom they reached.
keep faith.
Posted by scratchpad on June 22, 2007, at 6:49:02
In reply to like watching a car wreck in slow motion.... » scratchpad, posted by zenhussy on June 21, 2007, at 16:57:28
This is the end of the thread.
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