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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by DannaB on March 22, 2007, at 22:44:47
My therapist has helped me so much. A lot of what he has helped me with is standing up for myself and expressing my feelings (usually anger, which I suppress). He believes in me in a way that almost makes me believe in myself! However, my family simply CANNOT validate my feelings. I understand that people disagree with each other, etc., but I just want my feelings to be validated. However, it seems that the more "progress" I make with my therapist, the more I stand up for myself and the less my family is able to tolerate me, because they don't ever support me when I am honest about my feelings.
I grew up poor and I have a chip on my shoulder about it. My siblings are extremely successful yet they choose not to help. I understand that maybe they feel it's not their responsbility, etc., but when I expressed to my mother that this was upsetting to me she just argued to me how I was "wrong" and "greedy" and "feel entitled." Meanwhile, I guess I should just be pleased to hear about my brother's extravagent vacations, hobbies, lifestyles, etc. and not feel the least bit jealous or upset while I struggle in graduate school for a profession that pays very poorly? (I feel the career choice was a huge mistake but that's for another post.)
The issue is not that he chooses not to give, which is his prerogative. The issue is that the FEELING I expressed was sadness about not having more help in my life and my mom just argues with me about how my feelings aren't justified and indicate that I am a bad and selfish person! I just wish that my brother would step in and help me since I don't have a father to do it (he's dead). Believe me, I realize that it's not his responsiblity and he doesn't "owe me," but I still wish that he would, since I don't have anyone else to help.
All my mom needs to say is, "I can imagine how you feel. You sound upset. It must be hard." But instead we get into a huge fight, which is of course all MY fault.
Posted by kninelover on March 23, 2007, at 1:47:35
In reply to Family doesn't validate my feelings, posted by DannaB on March 22, 2007, at 22:44:47
"you sound upset, and it must be hard"..
..i am a mother and i feel it is "not the resposibility of any family member to help you"
you are an adult..
help yourself...
just be pleased for others..i can not validate .....
Posted by DannaB on March 23, 2007, at 3:07:18
In reply to Re: Family doesn't validate my feelings » DannaB, posted by kninelover on March 23, 2007, at 1:47:35
Well, interestingly enough my mother went to him (without my knowledge) to ask for him to help me since it would be no skin off his back. He said that he had to run all decisions by his wife, and that she didn't like the idea. So...if it's so wrong for me to want his help why did she ask him herself?
As for why she was upset with me, I think it has to do with her inability to help me herself. She could provide very little support, financial and otherwise, to us children growing up. I think it's hard for her to see me struggling and not be able to help me.
In any case, I can respect your difference of opinion, but I still think that one can validate one's feelings ("you sound upset...I'm sorry you're feeling upset") without agreeing with them.
Posted by DannaB on March 23, 2007, at 3:08:21
In reply to Re: Family doesn't validate my feelings, posted by DannaB on March 23, 2007, at 3:07:18
As most therapists say, "feelings are never wrong."
Posted by kninelover on March 23, 2007, at 10:01:58
In reply to P.S., posted by DannaB on March 23, 2007, at 3:08:21
i "feel" wrong every day...
does that mean mom's feeling are right?
are we all right?
Posted by Happyflower on March 23, 2007, at 17:58:13
In reply to Re: P.S., posted by kninelover on March 23, 2007, at 10:01:58
Danna,
Have you asked him directly for help yourself? I personally wouldn't want to put a mother in between her kids, that could lead to a lot of problems.
When will you be graduating? Even the lowest paying college educated jobs, do pay more or at least are more satisfying than the grunt jobs.
It seems to me that you just don't want validations, but free money. Maybe that could be why they are not validating you.
Posted by Happyflower on March 23, 2007, at 19:54:38
In reply to Re: P.S., posted by Happyflower on March 23, 2007, at 17:58:13
I am sorry if that comments were not sensitive.
Posted by kninelover on March 24, 2007, at 9:24:45
In reply to Re: P.S., posted by Happyflower on March 23, 2007, at 19:54:38
mee too..
Posted by DannaB on March 25, 2007, at 13:35:02
In reply to Re: P.S., posted by Happyflower on March 23, 2007, at 19:54:38
I think what I really want here is that father figure. Having my brother help me financially is symbolic for having a father take care of me.
It's not that I expect or even necessarily want handouts...it's that I feel that something was "missing" in my life. The love and security of having a father is something I will never have, so I guess in my mind help from my brother is the next best thing. I would much rather be independent and be able to prosper on my own. However, since my upbringing was lacking in so many ways, I guess on a certain level I wish someone would help make up for the past. I understand that this is not realistic, but it's still how I feel on a certain level.I wish you wouldn't judge me so harshly but could instead try to put yourself in my shoes.
Posted by Happyflower on March 25, 2007, at 14:20:56
In reply to Re: P.S., posted by DannaB on March 25, 2007, at 13:35:02
Hi Danna,
I didn't mean to sound judgemental, sometimes it is hard to write something in a postive way. I hear 2 different things in your posts. One you miss having a father's love and having him around. The second is that you want others to make up for that by "helping" you.
Helping you financially will never bring what you really want, your father's love . The 2nd best thing to that would be your mother's love, if that isn't possible, probably the most important thing is to learn to love yourself. It seems like you equate giving to you as love when actually at your age a father shouldn't be "helping" that much anyways.
A lot of us have lived simular lives, even worse ones. Some of us, including me, never had parents love, ever, and had to support myself and my brother financally by the time I was 15. I had to work full time to have something to eat and for my school activities while going to high school. I would have loved to have someone support me because really it was total neglect of my parents. I probably could have had an easier life if I wasn't on my own at 15. I am finally getting around to things I have never had a chance at when I was a teenager.But I eventually I was working successfully making big bucks at a job that I loved because I was determined to suceed. I was in this industry when I met my husband. Once I was pregnant, we both deceided that we wanted me to stay home with the kids. I agreed and still am home with them, but I lost huge, I lost my independence finanacially. Now it would be like starting all over again after 13 years. Now eventually when I do leave him(my marriage is dead) I will be on my own with 2 kids too. So I know what it is like, believe me.
But you are in a great place, getting your degree, the world is at your feet to make it what you want it to be. You will feel much better if you do it on your own, you will have to work harder maybe than others, but it will mean more to you when you are finished.
But as far as finding love that you didn't have, while growing up, I am not sure if you can ever get that. You can have a different kind of love with friends and future partner, with children, etc., but even that will probably still crave that fathers love. Sometimes I do too.
Posted by Meri-Tuuli on March 31, 2007, at 10:02:02
In reply to P.S., posted by DannaB on March 23, 2007, at 3:08:21
Hello!
Well I was going to send you a babblemail, but you have it switched off! Anyway.
I know exactly how you feel - my mother invalidates my feelings all the time. Its horrible and leads to lots of arguements and which, of course, are my fault.
Anyway. I really think it is totally 100% okay to ask your successul brother for money. You're family!!! And I find his excuse abit thin. Of course his wife is going to say no - its not in her interests to help you.
Well I'm in a similar position to you - I'm a struggling grad student, with a successful older brother, and he happily pays me £200/month which is like $400/month. I didn't ask for it, he just offered! Of course I'm not going to complain - although I do feel slightly guilty about it, but then, he earns alot and it'd only go on other things (he likes to have lots of exotic girlfriends who really only see the $) so it doesn't bother me one bit.
So I think you just ask again - just say you want a small amount to help. I mean, if he's earning megabucks a little bit for his sister isn't going to hurt him is it? And ask him why his wife doesn't think its a good idea. It sounds abit mean and heartless of her in my opinion, particulary as you don't have a father or come from a comfortable family (neither do I).
Feel free to babblemail if you want.
Kind regards
Meri
Posted by DannaB on April 1, 2007, at 9:48:01
In reply to I don't think its too much to ask at all!....., posted by Meri-Tuuli on March 31, 2007, at 10:02:02
Thanks so much, Meri-Tuli. It means a lot to me that you (and others) understand.
I am too proud to ask him for help, but I wish he would. He didn't help when I was unemployed previously, either.
Now my big worry is my choice of a profession. My mother encouraged me to go to graduate school for a career that typically pays very badly. Since money and independence are important to me, I worry that this is a big mistake. But I'm too far into the program now!!
Posted by Meri-Tuuli on April 18, 2007, at 15:07:53
In reply to Re: I don't think its too much to ask at all!....., posted by DannaB on April 1, 2007, at 9:48:01
The way I try to look at it, is that we're gonna be working til we're 68 right? well at least thats the age that they're letting you retire at these days over here anyway. So. Thats a good 40+ years...... even 20 years is ample enough time to climb to a respectable level in any profession. So...... lets not sweat too much about it now. people change careers all the time! Just do something that you have passion for and things will work out.
Meri
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