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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on February 28, 2007, at 11:21:02
It doesn't help to know that thousands others have asked this same question.
"Why is it that Dinah's mother makes me soooo angry?"
Arrrrgh. She is making the cleanup and gutting of her house absolutely impossible.
I'm going to have to get quite stern about this. And stern doesn't really suit me.
Posted by TexasChic on February 28, 2007, at 11:21:03
In reply to Why is it that my mother makes me sooo angry?, posted by Dinah on February 27, 2007, at 21:53:18
Ugh! Difficult subject. My Mom makes me crazy too. Have you tried to isolate what it is in particular that presses your buttons? My Mom is insanely controlling. But I've figured out how much that has to do with her own mental problems and insecurities. Sometimes it helps to be aware she's being completely irrational (but only sometimes). And one thing I've learned is different personalities have to be handled differently. There's this book I read a while back that gives some helpful advice.
"Dealing with People You Can't Stand: How to Bring Out the Best in People at Their Worst"
-T
Posted by Dinah on February 28, 2007, at 11:21:03
In reply to Re: Why is it that my mother makes me sooo angry?, posted by TexasChic on February 27, 2007, at 22:11:18
Well, I always say she's like Harold in "Harold and the Purple Crayon". She draws her own reality to suit her as she goes, and changes it as she likes.
I think right now, anyone in their right mind would be utterly furious with her. Just purely based on the results of her actions. She's so darned willful and will do what she wants regardless of the consequences to others.
Sigh. I'll have to take a look at that book. Although many people have tried and failed to make a dent in her drive to do whatever the heck she wants.
Not even government agencies, or code enforcement officers, or fines, or anything can make her do anything differently than she wishes to do.
Posted by Jo U.K on February 28, 2007, at 11:21:03
In reply to Re: Why is it that my mother makes me sooo angry? » TexasChic, posted by Dinah on February 27, 2007, at 23:13:21
Maybe it's some kind of world law. I moved and hour or so's drive from my mum but she comes and stays every weekend. That's ok as she stays in the room over the garage(NO WAY could I have her stay in the house with me).
She's like having another child, She can be jealous, petty, she needs chivvying along just like the kids.
On the other hand, in a crisis, she's great.
What would we do without them?
Posted by Dinah on February 28, 2007, at 11:21:03
In reply to Re: Why is it that my mother makes me sooo angry?, posted by Jo U.K on February 28, 2007, at 3:51:57
Well, I appreciate how terrific a mom she was when I was very little. I appreciate all she taught me, and I really really appreciate her insistence on inclusiveness and kindness. Not just from me, but from all her kids in class, towards all the kids in school. I appreciate how she threw herself into whatever interested me and supported me fully in whatever I wanted to do. She loves kids, and kids love her. For good reason.
But I sure could live without her spending renovation money that's already scarce to pay someone to carefully box up thirty year old catalogs and magazines - even if they're gnawed by rodents or have been under flood waters - while she lays in bed, refuses to let anyone throw away anything until she looks at it, yet refuses to look at it. I can live without her putting off the people who want to help her, and I fear that one day the offers of help will stop coming. I'm scared at what's going to happen to her, and to the house. And I'm responsible because she doesn't have a dollar left of what Daddy left her, although she still owes thousands of dollars.
I don't know what to do. Any sensible soul would just toss the flooded stuff. My brother and I have talked about it during her six month trips since the hurricane. But we're both afraid of her rages. So is the person who is doing the work. So the old magazines and catalogs keep getting boxed, and I keep paying to have them boxed and I yell, but I don't do anything. And the house remains partially ungutted and unemptied a year and a half after Katrina. Never even mind putting walls back. I do have to admit that spreading mold doesn't seem to be a problem. I have no idea how she had such rare luck in that.
I know I have to use the only power I have, the power of the pocketbook, to make sure she doesn't end up with a house that's unliveable. But I can't bear to think of the fights ahead. I have neither the time nor the emotional resources.
And of course, she's got two people living there with her, and she refuses to make sure sufficient living or sleeping area for three people is cleared. She is totally uninterested in the fact that she's making their lives miserable. I guess they don't complain, so I shouldn't. But I guess it brings back memories of when the hospice basically had to take my father into protective custody before she'd allow a hospital bed to "clutter up her house" as she screeched to the social worker, and agree to get healthcare workers to make sure he was kept clean. But these are healthy men, and they aren't as vulnerable as Daddy was.
All of this makes it sound as if she's suffering from senile dementia, I guess. But she's been this way all my life. :(
Posted by Klavot on February 28, 2007, at 11:21:03
In reply to Re: Why is it that my mother makes me sooo angry? » Jo U.K, posted by Dinah on February 28, 2007, at 10:01:10
Your mother drives you crazy because you're stuck with her. You can end friendships when your friends bother you, get a new car when your existing car gives problems, buy a new wardrobe when your old one starts getting boring, but family you're stuck with. The problem is that you have no control over the situation because you are stuck with them, and this causes a feeling of powerlessness, powerlessness leads to frustration, frustration leads to aggression... I'm starting to sound like Yoda here. And the sad thing is, one day when she's no longer around you'll wish you had her back and you'll feel guilty about having ever gotten irritated with her when she was alive.
Klavot
Posted by Dinah on February 28, 2007, at 11:21:03
In reply to Re: Why is it that my mother makes me sooo angry?, posted by Klavot on February 28, 2007, at 10:39:23
:) I think you're right. It is because I'm stuck with her. She annoys everyone, but they can walk away. (Ok, except her neighbors. She makes them really really angry too.)
I don't think I'll regret being angry with her. I adored my father, and I miss him every day. But I've never forgotten that being angry with him was quite reasonable. I can reconcile the two feelings.
I try to act well with her, and I try to spend time with her in situations where positive feelings are more likely. I'll always cherish the good memories.
But I'll also remember that being angry with her was a reasonable response.
I almost wish it led to aggression rather than withdrawal in me. Maybe I could stand up to her and do what needs to be done instead of letting her have her way. Who was it who said all they had to do was walk into their parents house and they instantly became a child again? A scared child who wants peace at any price.
Posted by Klavot on February 28, 2007, at 12:24:00
In reply to Re: Why is it that my mother makes me sooo angry? » Klavot, posted by Dinah on February 28, 2007, at 11:17:09
Well Dinah, I hope I did not offend you in my previous post, and I apologise if I did. What I wrote was written with good intentions, even if it did not come out that way.
Klavot
Posted by Dinah on February 28, 2007, at 16:52:26
In reply to Re: Why is it that my mother makes me sooo angry?, posted by Klavot on February 28, 2007, at 12:24:00
No, no. You didn't offend. I apologize if it sounded as if I was offended.
I was just thinking aloud.
I do sometimes wonder if once my mother's gone, I'll remember the good stuff instead of the bad.
Posted by Declan on February 28, 2007, at 17:16:57
In reply to Re: Why is it that my mother makes me sooo angry? » Klavot, posted by Dinah on February 28, 2007, at 16:52:26
If you have a parent with whom your relationship was (shall we say) fundamentally negative, it doesn't make it any easier when they die....just more complicated, in my experience.
Posted by Dinah on February 28, 2007, at 17:35:19
In reply to Re: Why is it that my mother makes me sooo angry?, posted by Declan on February 28, 2007, at 17:16:57
With my father, I think I've drifted towards missing him and focusing more on the good times. But I think the fundamental difference is that my father and I had a sort of symbiotic mutually beneficial relationship at the core. All my adult life we sort of took care of each other. The negative stuff was on top of that.
Losing him was losing a caretaker and losing a dependent.
That sounds kind of sickish doesn't it. I don't think it really was, but it sort of sounds that way.
Posted by Declan on March 5, 2007, at 18:59:49
In reply to Re: Why is it that my mother makes me sooo angry? » Declan, posted by Dinah on February 28, 2007, at 17:35:19
Don't worry Dinah, I'm immune to the charms of codependance and theories relating.
(Good Heavens...there's almost an imputation there. It's not intended.)
Whenever you mention your father I can almost picture him, it is so vivid.
Posted by Dinah on March 6, 2007, at 13:22:41
In reply to Re: Why is it that my mother makes me sooo angry? » Dinah, posted by Declan on March 5, 2007, at 18:59:49
> Whenever you mention your father I can almost picture him, it is so vivid.
>
>Thank you. :) I like that.
Posted by Dinah on March 8, 2007, at 12:19:55
In reply to Re: Why is it that my mother makes me sooo angry? » Declan, posted by Dinah on March 6, 2007, at 13:22:41
The lady at senior services merely commiserated with me. I've got quite a problem, she said.
Impotence, thy name is mother.
Posted by Daisym on March 13, 2007, at 23:28:47
In reply to Re: Why is it that my mother makes me sooo angry? » Jo U.K, posted by Dinah on February 28, 2007, at 10:01:10
All I can suggest is to just do what you know is the right thing when she is gone and suffer through the tirade one time. Fighting over and over again about it is exhausting. And frankly, once it is done, she really can't do anything about it. Of course, I don't know how she rages, but you have the grandson card to play...
Good Luck.
Posted by Dinah on March 14, 2007, at 10:02:30
In reply to Re: Why is it that my mother makes me sooo angry?, posted by Daisym on March 13, 2007, at 23:28:47
I've decided to put it aside and try not to think about it until I'm feeling better.
Now one of her creditors is calling me. How on earth they got my number is beyond me, but I really don't need that.
I really wish Daddy hadn't died. He was the only one who could control her self destructive (not to mention difficult to others) behavior at all.
Thanks Daisy.
This is the end of the thread.
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