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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by one woman cine on February 7, 2007, at 8:05:09
I usually find out after a spell I'm being manipulated - I've had this happen numerous times in life and I find myself feeling a mixture of emotions - angry at "being stupid" and the lag time in recognizing the signs.
I also feel somewhat intruded upon - acted upon in a way that I do not want to be acted upon - or having my feelings "orchestrated" - like I'm a playing an instrument but not able to decide what to play or when. (Hmm, etymology of "played" anyone?)
Sometimes my best option with manipulation, if all else fails, is executing an exit strategy.
Just wondering what anyone else might do - or coping mechanisms.
Posted by Jo U.K on February 8, 2007, at 4:12:38
In reply to How do you deal with feeling manipulated?, posted by one woman cine on February 7, 2007, at 8:05:09
It's always so disappointing to find that someone who you thought was a 'good egg' turns out to be a pretty rotten one doesnt it? I also could kick myself when I realise I'm being taken for a ride. Every time it happens, I swear I wont fall for THAT again, but sooner or later, it happens again! Maybe it's an inability to judge character. I just expect and want people to treat me as I treat them. That old ' do as you would be done by'. You know, with honesty etc. Maybe some people see this as a weakness?
I agree, an exit strategy is generally required. Occasionally I work up the nerve to front up to the offending person. That's not easy though is it?
Kind regards
Jo
Posted by zenhussy on February 8, 2007, at 21:21:35
In reply to How do you deal with feeling manipulated?, posted by one woman cine on February 7, 2007, at 8:05:09
tools....gaining and mastering tools to better cope when faced with recognizing one is being manipulated.
learning exit strategies is one way for sure.
it can be a feeling of foolishness when the recognition comes but often manipulation is used on those most suceptible to it---survivors of PTSD, depressed, mentally diseased/disordered. sometimes folks are hypervigilant to the ability to uncannily peg ppl's motives when they sense or witness manipulation. other folks tend to be slow on the uptake as it were due in part to their own PTSD reactions being set off.
coping mechanisms? arming oneself with as much information as possible as to just what one might be dealing with when it comes to feeling manipulated----is it from a coworker who tries to guilt you into carrying his load? is it when your mother calls and you're not able to talk yet you can't hang up either due to her chosen topic? is it even more subtle than that?
once identified as to what feels manipulative and as to why it might be that way it is easier for us to decide which method to employ in specific situations. we'd not speak the same way to someone we felt was hostile as part of our exit strategy as we would to someone meek (but manipulative) from whom we sensed no physical harm or explosive anger.
does any of that make sense?
feeling manipulated is a bear. it can be so hard to find vocabulary adequate enough to describe our feelings on the subject as they run deep.
Posted by one woman cine on February 9, 2007, at 8:50:58
In reply to Re: How do you deal with feeling manipulated?, posted by zenhussy on February 8, 2007, at 21:21:35
Yeah, feeling manipulated - it is a bear - your post makes perfect sense, thanks for saying it in such a cogent way.
I seem to have picked up a few manipulators -
"coping mechanisms? arming oneself with as much information as possible as to just what one might be dealing with when it comes to feeling manipulated----is it from a coworker who tries to guilt you into carrying his load? is it when your mother calls and you're not able to talk yet you can't hang up either due to her chosen topic? is it even more subtle than that?"
there are manipulators and then there are gold *star* manipulators.
Sometimes I think the best defense for me is not speaking at all. Making myself scarce - because it feels nothing I say will make any difference at all. & in fact, speaking will give fuel to the fire. I feel helpless and become hopeless, which just isn't necessarily real. Or healthy.
Posted by zenhussy on February 9, 2007, at 13:13:02
In reply to Re: How do you deal with feeling manipulated? » zenhussy, posted by one woman cine on February 9, 2007, at 8:50:58
>>>Yeah, feeling manipulated - it is a bear - your post makes perfect sense, thanks for saying it in such a cogent way.<<<
glad it was readible as the ol' neurons are firing on half power
>>>Sometimes I think the best defense for me is not speaking at all. Making myself scarce - because it feels nothing I say will make any difference at all. & in fact, speaking will give fuel to the fire. I feel helpless and become hopeless, which just isn't necessarily real. Or healthy.<<<silence can help in many situations. sometimes it isn't our place or battle to educate when in a situation involving manipulative behaviours....that's when a silent retreat can be helpful.
we share that helpless feeling which can of course lead to hopelessness....neither of which are healthy in the sense of overall well being.
wish our library had more refs. about this topic as we'd like to find better ways than silent retreat or attempted but fruitless dialogue with a person engaged in manipulative behaviours.
this conversation is indeed something with great value for many as manipulation can be so subtle that it takes a while to even realize and put words to the feelings that go along with newfound awareness or refound awareness.
for all those who are in the midst or just awakening from....welcome...pull up a chair and share how you've handled this matter in your lives....
Posted by fayeroe on February 9, 2007, at 14:50:24
In reply to Re: How do you deal with feeling manipulated? » one woman cine, posted by zenhussy on February 9, 2007, at 13:13:02
> >>>Yeah, feeling manipulated - it is a bear - your post makes perfect sense, thanks for saying it in such a cogent way.<<<
>
> glad it was readible as the ol' neurons are firing on half power
>
> >>>Sometimes I think the best defense for me is not speaking at all. Making myself scarce - because it feels nothing I say will make any difference at all. & in fact, speaking will give fuel to the fire. I feel helpless and become hopeless, which just isn't necessarily real. Or healthy.<<<
>
> silence can help in many situations. sometimes it isn't our place or battle to educate when in a situation involving manipulative behaviours....that's when a silent retreat can be helpful.
>
> we share that helpless feeling which can of course lead to hopelessness....neither of which are healthy in the sense of overall well being.
>
> wish our library had more refs. about this topic as we'd like to find better ways than silent retreat or attempted but fruitless dialogue with a person engaged in manipulative behaviours.
>
> this conversation is indeed something with great value for many as manipulation can be so subtle that it takes a while to even realize and put words to the feelings that go along with newfound awareness or refound awareness.
>
> for all those who are in the midst or just awakening from....welcome...pull up a chair and share how you've handled this matter in your lives....
>
>
this is a good subject. i've been manipulated by the very best in my lifetime.......mother, brother, two ex-es and others. but when i started counseling substance abusers, i got smart pretty fast. in fact i was known at the hospital for my "bs" radar and was given the worst of the worst patients. i armed myself with all of the information that i had on the patient and then waited to see how things were going to play out. i found it most helpful to stop the manipulation asap and before the manipulator thinks "victory".......privately, i used the "silent retreat" until recently. during the last 12 months, i've spoken up every time i've felt someone is trying to pull something over on me. and some people are so good that it might be a day or two before you catch it. but i always confront. gently, harshly, whatever i feel i need.....that's how i go about it. i sure feel much better about myself.
i feel dumb and used when i've been manipulated and i don't appreciate those feelings. so, i've become very pro-active in that respect. i have the personal right to live my life the way that i see is best. and i protect that by telling the person about my feelings and what i'm doing about it. what they do is up to them. it's no longer my problem......
Posted by zenhussy on February 9, 2007, at 14:53:56
In reply to Re: How do you deal with feeling manipulated? » zenhussy, posted by fayeroe on February 9, 2007, at 14:50:24
this is helping. thank you!
Posted by scratchpad on February 11, 2007, at 8:39:15
In reply to Re: How do you deal with feeling manipulated? » one woman cine, posted by zenhussy on February 9, 2007, at 13:13:02
>
> for all those who are in the midst or just awakening from....welcome...pull up a chair and share how you've handled this matter in your lives....
>
>Disengagement is the best practice that I've learned in dealing with manipulative relationships. Funny enough, I learned this very lesson here at Babble. Painful at the time - should I have stood my ground? - but ultimately the healthiest choice for me.
My T actually gave me top marks for it (blush).Scratch
Posted by zenhussy on February 11, 2007, at 12:42:12
In reply to Re: How do you deal with feeling manipulated? » zenhussy, posted by scratchpad on February 11, 2007, at 8:39:15
Posted by scratchpad on February 11, 2007, at 14:02:11
In reply to Re: How did you disengage? any examples? (nm) » scratchpad, posted by zenhussy on February 11, 2007, at 12:42:12
It's rather fresh in my history, and I'm not done disengaging yet :-)
There are many discussions here that I choose not to participate in. I have a better appreciation of what my personal triggers are, and where they come from. What I finally noticed was that I was putting myself in the same situations, yet expecting a better outcome.
Scratch
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