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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by DannaB on January 20, 2007, at 21:27:13
In addition to all of my other problems, I am really needy. Although I may appear to have a lot going for me, I really don't feel that way inside. I have two questions--one, how can I best communicate my needs and two, any suggestions for hiding/downplaying my neediness?
I'm in a good-but-new relationship and I'm terrified to scare him away by being high maintenance and too dependent on him. For example, this weekend he said he would be working a lot, but would "try to" make time to see me. So I didn't make any plans with friends and then ended up staying home feeling sorry for myself (my mistake). Now I have talked to him and did my usual insecure, "are we okay?" thing. It would have been so much better if I'd made plans and shown him that I can do my own thing sometimes. I recognize that this is an unhealthy pattern, but its very hard to change it.
What I want to convey to him is that although I am insecure, **I would feel much more reassured if he could just do one or two things.** For example, earlier in our relationship he would TELL me how much he liked spending time with me. He would also call more often and text message me during the week. I don't think he has stopped b/c he likes me less, but rather he assumes that I know how he feels about me. But since I'm insecure, I just assume the worst. How can I best explain this without making a big deal out of it?
Also, how can I downplay my neediness? How can I learn to do things on my own and be more independent? I can manage during the week, but on the weekend it is really hard for me to not see him. I am not good at making plans ahead of time and therefore often find myself bored and with nothing to do...and it's too late because everyone I call already has plans. (I almost wish I had a "life coach" to push me and remind me to make plans ahead of time and to try new things.)
Posted by itsme2003 on January 22, 2007, at 8:19:29
In reply to Advice on neediness, posted by DannaB on January 20, 2007, at 21:27:13
DannaB,
First let me say that I am only on this board from time to time, so if you reply to me it could be as long as a month before I reply back.
I can't tell from your post if you want to stop being as needy, of if you just want to conceal your neediness, although my guess is that you'd like to be less needy, but if you can't be then you'd like to exhibit less needy behavior even if you feel needy inside. That is the assumption that I will base my answers on.
The first suggestion that I will make is to not work too hard to conceal your neediness. Suppose that you do a great job of concealing your neediness now, but several months further into the relationship you can no longer make all the effort. Now your guy finds out how needy you really are. He may feel tricked, or resentful, and that could bring about the end of the relationship, after you have invested more of you time and energy into the relationsip. Remember the old rule, "Women get into a relationship with a man because she likes his potential. Men get into a relationship with a woman because they like who she is right now." Like any rule it's not always right, but it does provide good guidance. Generally (and this is a gross simplification), men expect women to remain as they were in the beginning of the relationship. I believe that it's usually best to get stuff like this out in the open early in the relationship. I don't mean "first-date early", but fairly soon in the relationship. You don't have to introduce all the details, just the concept. It's possible that bringing this out could be the beginning of the end for the relationship, but if that is the case, it's generally better sooner, rather than later, so that you can then spend your energy in finding someone who will be more tolerant of your neediness.
The best overall answer is to address the underlying neediness. Based on your post it's clear that you already know the types of things that you should be doing. Planning activities with your friends, taking part in other social activities, and generally having a life outside of your relationship with him will make your relationship better. The best advice I can give about that is to start small and build up. Try to find activities that are at a level that you can feel good about doing them on your own. Just as an illustration, if it's too difficult for you to make plans to go to a party on a Saturday night when you know he won't be around, then maybe you can try going to a zoo or a park on a Saturday afternoon when you are on your own. Try to find things that are easy to do on your own and that you really enjoy.
Regarding the fact that he used to contact you more, there are two things that could be going on. First, it's normal in any relationship to not put out a much effort later on in the relationship compared to what you put out right at first. On the other hand, this really could be a warning sign that something is amiss. I don't know enough about your situation to give any guidance about that.
Finally you should recognize that some needy behaviors may be more acceptable to him than others. Every man is different, so what is acceptable to me might not be accteptable to other men, but here is what is and is not OK with me. Let me further qualify this by saying that I'm talking about emotional needs, but I'll be referring to physical acts.
It's OK with me when a woman asks me to open a jar, hammer in a nail, carry something heavy, or make a dinner reservation. It's important to recognize that these acts contain both a physical component (whatever the task is) and an emotional component (in a relationship I can be a good "provider" and will take care of her). It is NOT OK with me to discuss the status of the relationship frequently (unless there really is a problem), to revist closed issues in the relationship frequently, or to spend too much time discussing emotional issues (and I feel that I am much more willing to discuss emotional issues than the typical male). These areas involve mainly an emotional component.
You should do your best about overcoming the neediness and about reducing your needy behaviors, then not worry about the parts you can't overcome.
Posted by DannaB on January 26, 2007, at 13:48:29
In reply to Re: Advice on neediness, posted by itsme2003 on January 22, 2007, at 8:19:29
Thanks for the advice. This is really helpful. But it is scary to think that men are so averse to talking about problems or feelings...I am a very anxious person so I need to be able to talk about these things sometimes, even just to "check in" to make sure everything is okay.
Posted by Meri-Tuuli on January 27, 2007, at 5:58:06
In reply to Re: Advice on neediness, posted by DannaB on January 26, 2007, at 13:48:29
Hello
Well some men like neediness and some men don't. But just be careful you don't end up getting used. But anyway I'm the same. I often make my bf tell me that he loves me, or that he thinks I'm pretty quite often every day. The thing is, in his mind, all he needs to do is to tell me once - thats it. Unless things change, then I should take it as a given that he thinks I'm pretty and that he loves me. Only last week he said 'but you haven't been in a terrible accident, why do you need to ask if you're pretty today? You're the same as you look when I told you last week'. Do you see what I mean? Same goes for the love thing.
Posted by DannaB on February 20, 2007, at 22:14:32
In reply to Re: Advice on neediness, posted by Meri-Tuuli on January 27, 2007, at 5:58:06
Meri-Tuuli, it's nice to know it's not only me. I need reassurance sometimes...I don't understand how my guy can't understand it. He wants a relationship but he wants a convenient, low-(no-?)maintenance relationship. That's just not going to work for me :( I need attention sometimes!
Posted by seamus2 on March 3, 2007, at 12:00:40
In reply to Re: Advice on neediness, posted by DannaB on February 20, 2007, at 22:14:32
Danna,
itsmee's advice seemed really good and to the point. I think you should focus on being more indepdendent, too. One person, no matter how hard they try, won't be able to satisfy all your needs and it's folly to think otherwise. One little step at a time, like itsmee said: just do simple, easy things on your own which you enjoy (even just it's just a little bit).
Personally, I just got out of a relationship primarily because my partner had gotten too needy. He couldn't make decisions without my support, was constantly in need of reassurance and the difference between the time I spent taking care of him vs. the time he spent taking care of me grew too large.
They say you can't change another person, but if he'd been less needy we might still be together.
Posted by snugbun on October 16, 2007, at 23:50:02
In reply to Re: Advice on neediness, posted by itsme2003 on January 22, 2007, at 8:19:29
I was dumped a while ago by someone I really like because, or so she said, I was too needy. She never gave me any reassurance and in the end I couldn't conceal my need for it. She kept saying that we were not really in a relationship, refused to save my number on her cellphone (though every day she would talk for an hour or more with her ex), complained about how bad the sex was with me, and how ridiculous it was for me to say that I felt comfortable around her (though I did). I suppose it all ended when we were in bed together and she refused even to hug me goodnight. I told her that made me feel sad and I couldn't sleep. She broke up with me two weeks later. Now she says we would have gotten along fine if it wasn't for my neediness.
I guess what I am trying to say is that neediness grows out of lack of affection and reassurance. When I'm with someone who maybe once a week tells me she likes being with me, gives me a hug and maybe a kiss before going to sleep, and who doesn't mind talking on the phone every one or two days when we're not together - then I'm not needy. I've experienced that and I was very happy with it while it lasted. (Things went badly for other reasons.)
The way to be happy, I think, is to find someone who has a similar level of neediness that you have and who understands and sympathizes with your neediness. What you need to ask yourself is whether you are in fact drawn to someone like that. I know I am, but most people are not, they are drawn to people who are not dependent.
In any case, neediness is not a crime. It's just human. Fighting it is like fighting thirst or hunger or horniness. As Oscar Wilde said, the only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it. The only way to cure neediness is to satisfy it.
This is the end of the thread.
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