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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by DannaB on December 16, 2006, at 21:39:12
I'm in a new relationship. This is extremely stressful to me.
I am extremely fond of this person. I feel that he adds a lot to my life in the form of companionship, understanding, etc. I truly enjoy being with him.
However, due to my childhood (a bad one), I have had NO modeling of healthy relationships in my life. I find myself saying and doing things and then realizing I am being difficult or manipulative or hard-headed (i.e. not hearing something that was stated quite clearly). These are not things that I do on purpose, and I always apologize when I recognize it, but the fact is, relationships don't come easy to me. Add to this the fact that I'm insecure and it's hard for me to believe that this man could like me as much as I like him.
Is it possible for me to "learn" to have a healthy relationship in the context of a relationship? Other than therapy (which I'm in), I don't know how else I can do it. But I'm afraid to lose my boyfriend in the meantime. He seems to really have a problem with my insecurities.
Posted by fayeroe on December 16, 2006, at 21:54:32
In reply to Don't know how to have a healthy relationship, posted by DannaB on December 16, 2006, at 21:39:12
> I'm in a new relationship. This is extremely stressful to me.
>
> I am extremely fond of this person. I feel that he adds a lot to my life in the form of companionship, understanding, etc. I truly enjoy being with him.
>
> However, due to my childhood (a bad one), I have had NO modeling of healthy relationships in my life. I find myself saying and doing things and then realizing I am being difficult or manipulative or hard-headed (i.e. not hearing something that was stated quite clearly). These are not things that I do on purpose, and I always apologize when I recognize it, but the fact is, relationships don't come easy to me. Add to this the fact that I'm insecure and it's hard for me to believe that this man could like me as much as I like him.
>
> Is it possible for me to "learn" to have a healthy relationship in the context of a relationship? Other than therapy (which I'm in), I don't know how else I can do it. But I'm afraid to lose my boyfriend in the meantime. He seems to really have a problem with my insecurities.
couples therapy?
Posted by Non Heroe on December 17, 2006, at 13:47:15
In reply to Don't know how to have a healthy relationship, posted by DannaB on December 16, 2006, at 21:39:12
You could speak with a "peer counselor" about this. A "peer" is NOT a professional. Rather, he or she is someone who has gone through similar experiences as you have. Sometimes, a "peer" is in a better position to help someone than a "professional" is.
For example, I am a Ph.D. sociologist. But I stopped working in academica years ago and now I am the "Director of Housing and Senior Advocate" at a Center for Independent Living in New York.
Most States now have "peer counseling centers" and I can easily find one for you if you'd like me to.There is at least one peer counselor at every Center for Independent Living in the USA.
Please don't be afraid to let me know.
Posted by fayeroe on December 17, 2006, at 19:56:33
In reply to Re: Don't know how to have a healthy relationship, posted by Non Heroe on December 17, 2006, at 13:47:15
> You could speak with a "peer counselor" about this. A "peer" is NOT a professional. Rather, he or she is someone who has gone through similar experiences as you have. Sometimes, a "peer" is in a better position to help someone than a "professional" is.
>
> For example, I am a Ph.D. sociologist. But I stopped working in academica years ago and now I am the "Director of Housing and Senior Advocate" at a Center for Independent Living in New York.
> Most States now have "peer counseling centers" and I can easily find one for you if you'd like me to.
>
> There is at least one peer counselor at every Center for Independent Living in the USA.
>
> Please don't be afraid to let me know.what a nice gesture you've made this Holiday season. bless you for being so giving........pat
Posted by LJRen on December 21, 2006, at 9:38:41
In reply to Don't know how to have a healthy relationship, posted by DannaB on December 16, 2006, at 21:39:12
I hear ya DannaB! Had nasty childhood. Wouldn't have known a healthy relationship when I entered adulthood if it had slapped me in the face. Recognized some early bad habits with my first 2 boyfriends. Didn't like what I saw and have made big efforts not to continue those habits. But insecurity still runs amok sometimes.
Nasty childhoods tend to produce adults who a)don't have very high self-esteem, so in turn it's hard for them to believe anyone would want them, b)never been fully loved, appreciated, respected, and/or treated right so far in their lives so they're naturally attracted to relationships where they're not treated right. Heck, not being treated right is what they're used to, it's the natural state of their world. Anything better is almost uncomfortable b/c it either feels false or undeserved.
Anyway, my point to all of that is, you're dealing with a lot of junk and trying to go into a relationship, it's understandable you're stressed. My personal belief is that while it may be an imperfect picture that you have these insecurities & junk that cause you to act inappropriately sometimes, you must keep in mind that we are human and no one is perfect. Let me repeat that: NO ONE IS PERFECT. Just as long as you honestly recognize your imperfections and actively try to improve upon them then any partner worthwhile should not hold your insecurities & junk against you but instead be patient & work w/ you to make it better.
Plus, in remembering no one is perfect, your boyfriend is not perfect either. But again, patience is key here. Don't make assumptions, don't jump to conclusions, don't believe you already know what he's thinking. (I say these things b/c they're mistakes I've made in the past.) Instead, just breathe. Yes, breathe in some deep breaths and think positively. Then start listening and calmly talking. Stop & think, then express to him exactly what you want/need. And be sure to ask what he wants/needs too. Relationships are 2-way streets. Compromise is also key.
When you find yourself really struggling to get what you want, that's a sure sign that you're going about getting it the wrong way or that you should just give up trying. ie:You really want your bf to join you in doing a certain something. You ask nicely, he says no. You express to him why it's important to you that he go with you. He still says no. Anything beyond that point would be a struggle and you'd have to start being manipulative to get what you want. And you don't want to be that kinda woman. I'm not saying you have to happy about it. I'd be disappointed but I'd leave it at that. Wouldn't take it out on him but he would eventually pick up on my disappointment and perhaps act differently in the future. I could explain more if you want...
There's my 2 cents worth DannaB. Hopefully with your therapy and by taking a good look in the mirror you'll learn you are worth it. You'll realize there is a lot of value to you just b/c you're you. The fact that you are here on this board, that you are in therapy shows you want to be better, you want to be a better person - what man in his right mind wouldn't want a woman like that? But you're valuable to you - that's what's most important really. When a guy appreciates your value too, that's just icing on the cake. :)
Good luck,
Ren
Posted by DannaB on December 21, 2006, at 23:40:24
In reply to Re: Don't know how to have a healthy relationship » DannaB, posted by LJRen on December 21, 2006, at 9:38:41
Thanks very much for your kind and thoughtful response. I liked what you said about asking twice is enough to ask. Sometimes I am too persistent ;)
I think one thing that is really hard for me is that I am high strung. The reason I am high strung is that my mother is extremely high strung and was constantly yelling at us kids and worrying about x, y and z. Therefore, it is *very* hard for me to relax. Sometimes I think people won't want to be around me because of it. I have made progress, but I think my nerves have been "sensitized" and maybe I'll always be stressed out and tense (to a degree) :(
It's also very hard for me to trust anyone fully and also to feel like I'm being heard (even if I am) because it was so hard to be heard at home and my boundaries were so violated. And I have a lot of anger inside that I try to suppress, but I'm always scared it will come out and that will mean I'm a bad person.
Lastly, it's hard for me to feel lovable. Somehow feeling unlovable seems to drive people away.
Posted by LJRen on December 23, 2006, at 1:40:24
In reply to Re: Don't know how to have a healthy relationship, posted by DannaB on December 21, 2006, at 23:40:24
> Thanks very much for your kind and thoughtful response. I liked what you said about asking twice is enough to ask. Sometimes I am too persistent ;)
>Hey, been there, done that. We just want what we want and sometimes it's really hard to take no for an answer. Eventually though, you get tired of the struggle.
> I think one thing that is really hard for me is that I am high strung. The reason I am high strung is that my mother is extremely high strung and was constantly yelling at us kids and worrying about x, y and z. Therefore, it is *very* hard for me to relax. Sometimes I think people won't want to be around me because of it. I have made progress, but I think my nerves have been "sensitized" and maybe I'll always be stressed out and tense (to a degree) :(
>Gotta love it when parents pass along their bad habits down to you. It always amazes me that people don't realize that children pick up on EVERYTHING their parents do & say. So whatever they do repeatedly good or bad their kids are bound to end up doing it too. Parents are responsible for teaching their children how to live, function and be as happy as possible in this world. With some of the things I learned from my folks, it's like having a school teacher teach 2 + 2 = 5, as in totally the wrong thing.
I inherited my mom's short fuse and I find myself snapping at inanimate objects b/c things don't work right or flow smoothly. Sometimes I will stop myself & breathe. Tell myself not to sweat the small stuff. But man, sometimes I just can't let it go even though I should.
As far as your nerves go, have you considered getting massages? Meditating? Yoga? In trying to bring some balance and understanding into my life I've explored a little bit of spirituality. It's helped a bit. Still discovering, learning more. Perhaps it will bring some peace.
> It's also very hard for me to trust anyone fully and also to feel like I'm being heard (even if I am) because it was so hard to be heard at home and my boundaries were so violated. And I have a lot of anger inside that I try to suppress, but I'm always scared it will come out and that will mean I'm a bad person.
>I didn't even know what boundaries were until a few years ago. Again, never was a lesson taught by either of my parents. And I have trusted too easily in hopes of gaining friendships, relationships quickly since I've always been lacking in those. But anger doesn't make you a bad person. Stored up anger means a lot of bad things happened to you when you were too young to do anything about it. Then, as adults, having learned these f*ed-up traits, defense mechanisms you find life to be harder than it has to be, so that brings on even more anger. How you choose to channel your anger determines the kind of person you are though. And years ago, I didn't handle my anger well. Repeated my mother's actions a couple times and took out my frustrations physically. Until it dawned on me, I didn't want to be like her anymore. So now when I get super pissed, it shifts over to saddness & tears.
> Lastly, it's hard for me to feel lovable. Somehow feeling unlovable seems to drive people away.
Can't tell ya how many times I've heard the saying, "How can anyone else love you if you don't love yourself first?" And I don't know if I'll ever get to the point where I truly love myself, but right now I do know I am worthy of a good, decent man who will respect me, love me and do right by me. So you gotta embrace the parts of you that you know are good. Mine are honesty, moral values, good work ethic, listening well, thinking of others, to name a few. I got my bad parts that I hate and I still beat myself up too much for them, but I think I'm getting better. But the bad doesn't take away from the good. So focus on your good and say, "Hey, I'm worth it."
Anyway, sorry this is so long again. I'm long winded in conversation too. :)
Remember... just breathe.
Ren
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