![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 4 of 4. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by wishingstar on September 11, 2006, at 22:36:04
This is more of a general topic of discussion I thought might be interesting than a real personal issue. How do you all feel about age gaps in relationships? How much is too much? Does it matter? Can large gaps be overcome?
Several years ago, I dated a man who was 15 years my senior, almost to the day. I was 21 and he was 36.
Although the relationship was incredibly intense and wonderful at the time, it ended with just as much intensity and was not pretty. We were not friends for quite awhile.
Today, we are close friends again. In fact, I just got home from having a 2 1/2 hour dinner with him and I had an amazing time. Although I've been in a few long-term relationships, and this one obviously was not long term, I believe I fell in love with him, and I still do love him. If I thought there was any hope for a relationship, I'd pursue it.. but there isnt. Which makes me sad, but it's just the reality.
Just my background.. not really a question like I said.
Posted by ClearSkies on September 12, 2006, at 5:09:30
In reply to age in relationships, posted by wishingstar on September 11, 2006, at 22:36:04
I married when I was 21, to a man who was 38. Our age difference became an issue as we both became older, like after we'd been married for 12 years or so. Maybe it was nothing more than having different perspectives on what constituted "oldies" music, as superficial as that sounds.
But his own issues regarding aging - seeing his parents' health deteriorate, being downsized from a career after he hit the magic 50th birthday, experiencing the physical changes that the normal aging process brings - did have an influence on the breakdown of our marriage. His rage and violent expressions became a bigger and bigger problem as years went by.
That said, we were married for 19 years, which is a lifetime, isn't it?ClearSkies
Posted by Phillipa on September 12, 2006, at 20:32:29
In reply to Re: age in relationships *trigger* » wishingstar, posted by ClearSkies on September 12, 2006, at 5:09:30
Well I can tell my experiences. And please don't judge. As I barring my soul. But first marriage we were the same age and had our kids. Was married for 21 years. First baby at l9. Then I married an older rich man . l5 years difference. We traveled the World and the Caribbean. He was Dutch and his family was in Europe. I spent around six weeks total in Switzerland, France, Austria, Belgium, Holland, Denmark, Germany. Same thing happedned to him at age 55 he lost his job to a Fortune 500 company. I had bought a summer condo in VA Beach we lived in CT. Went there for the summer. All my kids and him followed me there. So I sold it and bought a hughe house. Then he began after buying his franchise, a Formula boat, and many expensive gifts for me. I realized he would take me down the tube with him cause he couldnt run a business. Divorced him. Married a union truckdriver my age. Lasted about three years as he had no education and I did. Then met my current husband who is l3 years younger than me. A disater as I'm getting old and physical problems. So my recommendation is to either marry someone older within l0 years but never a younger man as you will look and feel older after menopause. Or someone your own age. Love Phillipa who would rather be working and living alone again.
Posted by llrrrpp on September 16, 2006, at 8:13:58
In reply to age in relationships, posted by wishingstar on September 11, 2006, at 22:36:04
Hi Wishingstar,
Well, love knows no bounds. Aren't you going through a lot right now? Maybe you can just take it easy and see what happens.It's possible to love, but not to be able to have a long term successful partnership.
Are you asking about love or about partnership? I think that they are somewhat distinct. In a marriage, you need both, but plenty of relationships will never develop into marriage, nor should they! And plenty of people will never want to be married, which is perfectly understandable and even "normal" in my opinion.
Personally, I have fallen in love before with people whom I could never be good partners with. It's a disaster, because your heart is telling you one thing, and the rest of your life is falling apart even as your love surges forward! This is not very healthy (at least for me!). Although you and this man may have changed a lot since you were together before, there were also reasons why things never went further. What kind of reasons were they? What kind of conflicts did you have? Are they the kind of conflicts that time heals (things like having to pay student loans and being broke- which we hopefully can grow out of?) or did the conflicts stem from something more fundamental to your/his character? Things like having a violent temper, not being able to trust, wanting to give/take too much control... Those things may not be so easy to modify.
Even if you've grown as a person, being with him again may bring you back to a pattern that you established in your past. Do you mind repeating the past? Often the best predictor of what a person will do in the future is what they have done in past circumstances that were similar.
best wishes to you Wishingstar! Hope this wasn't too glum :(
-ll
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Relationships | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.