![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by corafree on August 17, 2006, at 18:16:41
I loved a lying, thieving, cheater for 11years.
The cheating, that I know of anyway, was this last year.
I loved a tall, dark, handsome, witty, laugh-a-minute, sensitive, intelligent, romantic, chef, 'wonder'ful artist for 11years.
'They' were 'one' I loved. Love was comfort.
I saw him cry more than once. He knew the words to all the best tunes and could sing so well. His cuisine was to die for. He surprised me w/ strategically planned romantic interludes. S*x was too satisfying. Just a few things about him.
Something would be missing from my place, and then might magically appear after I made mention of its missing. Money didn't re-appear. He could say it was 'my memory problem'. I gave him innocence and he loved it. He loved me. I saw him hide in corners and lost his mind time after time. I gave him a car and he wrecked it. I took him on trips .. he never took me out of town. He wanted to marry me. Just a few more things about him.
He stopped(?) using meth when I hooked him up w/ a good counselor 6-7yrs ago and from there the avenues to connect to the system that caters to 'the good' and 'the bad' opened to him.
Some lies seeped through to 'some' others, but I remained estranged from 'his friends'. Most of them, I didn't want to befriend. He was good. I wish (wished) I had 'Angela's Eyes'. He said 'the truth hurts people' and 'his big brothers stole his toys'.
I began 'to know' he was conning me a couple years after we met, both having just lost our spouses/families/homes. At first I pretended not to see/know. Then, I could pretend no more, and I knew that no matter how hard I tried not to call him on this or that, 'I couldn't help but begin to right the wrongs and thus push him away'. That's what I do.
I first began 'pushing away' when I became ill w/ premenstrual dysphoric disorder and an ex divorced me because I was no longer the life of his&everyones party.
Then, back to my love of 11yrs.
I began to manipulate him(?). He even spent his own real money on me! The engagement ring is stuck on my finger and I need to go to a jeweler to have it cut off. This was shortly before my father died, about 2-1/2yrs ago. I was never going to marry him.
Well now, I've finally pushed him far away and for good.
Today, on road re: appt, I text-messaged him, 'Call 2 meet 2 talk' and an hour later w/o a response from him, 'Begging'.
He won't respond, call, or come to me.
I need bread, but couldn't pull into Circle-K.I have my bottle of water and smokes, and I laid down to rest, realize, 'see', pray, and ... thought of you all.
I miss him.
lessloveless, cf
Posted by Joan797 on August 17, 2006, at 19:24:19
In reply to Love - I Finally Pushed It Out of Reach, posted by corafree on August 17, 2006, at 18:16:41
I feel (in my own life) some of what you are experiencing. I can understand so well the overwhelming need for love in which you "overlook" the shortcomings and eventually come to regret the entire thing, yet can not let go because you love the other so much. I understand being used, wondering if the words he says, any of them, are even true now. And most of all, I understand the instantaneous regret of ending something that should have ended yet caused incredible pain.
I am so sorry for what you are going through.
I've been there.
I'm there now.
I will always be there.
Joan
Posted by Phillipa on August 17, 2006, at 22:47:04
In reply to Re: Love - I Finally Pushed It Out of Reach » corafree, posted by Joan797 on August 17, 2006, at 19:24:19
21years with a cheater and he was an alchoholic and I never knew it. How dumb can a person be? Love Phillipa
Posted by Jost on August 17, 2006, at 23:11:24
In reply to Love - I Finally Pushed It Out of Reach, posted by corafree on August 17, 2006, at 18:16:41
Cf, I'm so so sorry.
It's hard to give up someone you've loved, and find them out of reach. I think you're better for it, in the long run.
It's a hard time to get through, and you're tired. But you're taking care of yourself, right? Even though it's hard?
Things will get better, and the regrets and memories will become less intense.
I'm glad you thought of us and posted.
Jost
Posted by corafree on August 18, 2006, at 14:09:32
In reply to Re: Love - I Finally Pushed It Out of Reach » corafree, posted by Joan797 on August 17, 2006, at 19:24:19
B4 you responded Joan, he called. Why/how below.
The uncomfortable irony of lieing is that it becomes familiar, and I can do it now too, sometimes w/o intention.
Fifteen years ago I couldn't tell a lie to save my soul. My parents always said 'honesty is the best policy' ... and it played over and over and over in my head.
I do not lie here.
But, little white lies here and there IRL, plague me, and I always pray for forgiveness.
Stealing ... well I went over to my mother's winter home and 'in my anger at her' removed one of her paintings and brought it to my place ... thinking it would look perfect over my bed. But, I was going to call her and ask her if she would mind, as she is only a winter visitor here. I did, and she told me 'no'!(?) It felt like stealing. Well now I want to throw it in the trash! Instead, it's in my car ready to go back to her place. I feel 'sneakiness' lurking beneath my skin at times, and again I pray for forgiveness.
Cheating; no. I'm scared of STDs and maybe more of all the baggage that comes w/ another relationship. And, 'I think I'm too good' for someone's throwback.(?) Yeah, prob' ideation of grandiosity of something borderline'ish(?).
I'd been keeping 'my last resort to get his attention' in my pocket so to speak. So b4 you responded, right after I posted, I took it out and used it.
This is crazy and please don't think I'm a sl*t or something, but, if I call him and do/role play/whatever-u-call-it 'phone s*x' (I know!?), he has always responded.
I drape a thread over lockbox of my scrips, count my money (never keep much in purse). It's become a habit. He's coming over tonight.
Today, the reasons I push him away are coming to the forefront.
I think of myself 'as a good person' but I'm guilty of questionable and weak behavior.
goosebumps, cf
Posted by Phillipa on August 18, 2006, at 19:34:13
In reply to Re: Love - I Finally Pushed It Out of Reach » Joan797, posted by corafree on August 18, 2006, at 14:09:32
Big mistake. Corafree you know you've been doing so well lately on your own. Why not join an online dating club. Check out the credentials first and make sure they're legitamate. Love Phillipa ps I'm writing you an e-mail now
Posted by Phillipa on August 19, 2006, at 15:25:35
In reply to Re: Love - I Finally Pushed It Out of Reach » corafree, posted by Phillipa on August 18, 2006, at 19:34:13
So did he come over? Love Phillipa
Posted by corafree on August 26, 2006, at 18:35:32
In reply to Re: Love - I Finally Pushed It Out of Reach, posted by Phillipa on August 19, 2006, at 15:25:35
(My computer is a com'poo''turd' and I can't get my email and I'm so sorry. Miss you all.)
Yes he came over. We rode 'the usual roller coaster', a week or so, and now worn out, angry, not speaking, again.
I wonder if I'm stretching in saying I believe he has a problem w/ 'having a conscience' or the traits of a 'sociopath'.
His whole fam' is into this 'appear god-fearing, 'good people', skimming/scamming thing'. What is that all about? Are they superiorly intelligent? Is it a learned behavior? Is it a way of compensating?
The father of the four sons died when rainydayman was a young teen. From what told; hard worker, pusher, demanded respect from children but no physical abuse, worshiped wife.
I guess apple doesn't fall far as mother is on quite a high throne. She married a step. Do I sound jealous? She lets her sons do all these things w/o ever admitting any wrong-doing on their parts, 'very cleverly'. I don't get it. She stands by lies, to my face or my ear if by phone. Yet, volunteers @ hospital, church groups, church Sun.
There came to be a couple days during our coaster ride where there were 'two unexplained hours missing' and another w/ 'three unexplained hours missing'.
By unexplained, I mean the explainations sounded like possible tales!
The hours gone missing are in question and he has not responded to my demand for an explanation. My worry is either woman or drug.
While here, he said there was no one for him but me. and he sweared to God he was clean.
But then, what about those missing hours? My suspicion turned to aggressive passionate demands for honesty and he(they) are in hiding and not responding to my call. I won't call again. It's my 2 to his 0 right now.
The four boys all have law/sex/job type troubles. No sisters/daughter. The mother is 'their pillar' and rdm always runs to her before me.
I know. Here it is 'what a month?' later, and I'm finally responding, sitting here again, thinking, getting out of real life, feels comforting.
My anxiety increased. Even thought of requesting Xanax from P, but was too physically ill to make it to appt. Now wait til 9/28!
I believe today or tomorrow is anniversary day for the 11-year 'coaster ride w/ rdm'.
I wonder if someone like him will ever change. I wonder it all the time.
He says 'I find the wrong in everything'. I didn't argue. I'm wondering about that in me.
I've been sobbing, shouting, cursing, lying still praying, dressing to go out and paint the town red just to undress and lay back down a bit.
I'm 'bonkers'!
Phillipa, this is the first thing I thought to address online. Thanks for writing ... I'll get to you next.
Tell me 'what an idiot I am to go on playing this game w/ rdm all these years'!!!
Throw it @ me. I need it!
love, cf
Posted by Phillipa on August 26, 2006, at 20:23:08
In reply to Re: Love - I Finally Pushed It Out of Reach, posted by Phillipa on August 19, 2006, at 15:25:35
Corafree I know how badly you want him to change. But HE has to WANT to change and his behavior says he doesn't . So I guess I'm giving it to you. Can you write e-mails even if you can't receive them. Love Phillipa ps I miss your e-mails but inside I knew what was going on. ESP?
Posted by corafree on August 28, 2006, at 13:43:14
In reply to Re: Love - I Finally Pushed It Out of Reach » Phillipa, posted by Phillipa on August 26, 2006, at 20:23:08
U already know I'm back online, but it isn't easy.
I'm not able to afford to get someone to help me so am pretty vulnerable to spy/virus out there.
I know it's on me. I feel like I'm using him somehow. Then again, he uses me also.
I called him this a.m. and he was off to a job. I awoke w/ breakthrough pain reminding me that it was useless for me to even look for a job. It's hard to know 'what another really does day to day' living apart.
I know he's not attending NA.
I think you're right; believe one NEEDS to want, almost, hate, 'a drug', before they are on the way to being clean, ... but, yet, there are those who are 'forced/caught midstream and thrown into programs' and quit also.
hopeallwell, cf
Posted by Phillipa on August 28, 2006, at 20:48:17
In reply to Re: Love - I Finally Pushed It Out of Reach » Phillipa, posted by corafree on August 28, 2006, at 13:43:14
Have you watched the show Intervention? Great show. Love Phillipa
Posted by corafree on August 28, 2006, at 21:01:32
In reply to Re: Love - I Finally Pushed It Out of Reach » corafree, posted by Phillipa on August 28, 2006, at 20:48:17
I'm thinking that was a shaded 'suggestion' my friend.
I've been watching Saved, Rescue Me, Closer, Windfall this summer. Kids definitely need to be out of the room w/ Rescue Me tho'! Looking forward to new show w/ Matthew Perry (Isn't that the Friends' guy?) this fall.
What channel Intervention on? I'll be sure and check it out!
love, cf
Posted by Phillipa on August 28, 2006, at 21:41:05
In reply to Re: Love - I Finally Pushed It Out of Reach » Phillipa, posted by corafree on August 28, 2006, at 21:01:32
Its on A and E arts and entertainment. It deals with addicts and their interventions by those who love them. Most go through the programs and succeed but if nothing else it gives you a view of their lives. Love Phillipa
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Relationships | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.