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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by KayLen on July 6, 2006, at 5:09:31
Hello to all:
This is going to be hard to keep it short. I will try. aprox. 9 yrs ago my husband forced me out of a sucessful biz that we both founded and made a sucess. He had never even given me a clue he was not happy with me in the biz. He then hired a woman half his age in my place and began an emotional affair. Everyone tells me im an idiot because I believe he did not have sex with her. That doesent matter anyway because his love for her and loyalty to her and his total and complete insidious abuse and betrayal {and she began to abuse me also.}was so bad it made the act of sex seem that if that was all that was going on would be a blessing. I didn't divorce but when it reached a point of cruelty I could not stand any longer, i moved part time to another state. My husband showed NO interest in me until he realized I had a boyfriend. He then began {still keeping his young love}to call ME the betrayer! The abuse verbal and emotional,really stepped up. On the phone when i was away also . He had tapped and taped my phone when I was there at our house. So I felt I had better bug the office. The things I heard , was like a badley written soap opera. I discoverd he was hiding money from me THEY were. and I discoverd he wanted to divorce me and told his gal "I will claim bankruptcy, and she {me} will be homeless and pushing a shopping cart within a year. I was much smarter than he knew. I kept bugging and taping. In the process I heard where he was going to hide the finacial info.and I got it ...from check stubs to hard drives, I heard his girlfriend say "You know she has caused me so much misery...I want to hurt her..I REALLY WANT TO HURT HER. And I have enough evidence to get them both in more trouble than they could handle..to make a long story a bit shorter {im leavng out a whole lot of happenings}My hubby decides he wants to make our marrige work....he always told me he loved me and since I had him really good...he became nice to me even. The chickie split...and now we are trying to make a go of it. He is very mean to me..in between being very loving..and I cannot seem to let up reminding him what a nightmare he put me through for a decade...I truly have no idea what his intentions really are ..after the things i heard him say through the bugging..and I don't know if I ever will. But I believe he would like to have us back together and happy. I would like that but don't know if it is possible after he gave me up for a for someone eles...hid money..abused me so badly im ashamed to repeat some of it...and teamed up with G.F...I mean he went against me TOTALY but always kept it hid. When I began to tell my own family they didnt believe..me..I still feel completely alone in the world. Is there any hope for us?..any thing helpful to offer?..anyone ever have this happen? I have been writting a little here but for a few years have been lurking and building up the nerve to write my story, i would like to tell all..but it would take up too much space.
Any words from anyone will be considerd and appreciated.PEACE
Kaylen
Posted by wildcardII on July 7, 2006, at 22:38:23
In reply to Crazy?,Stupid?,Desparate?,or am I semi-normal?, posted by KayLen on July 6, 2006, at 5:09:31
~you have to be the one to make that final decision but i think you answered a lot of your own questions and i don't recall hearing something very very important~that you loved him...i do not think that anyone who would do that to me i would ever be with again as the trust would be completely gone...
you seem very smart and maybe it would help if you ask yourself, 'why does HE deserve another chance?' and 'do I really love him?'...
i hope you find what is best for you and makes you happy but *if* you stay, would the past continue to emotionally abuse you? maybe some counseling for you and eventually both of ya'll together could help you make a decision w/ all you're feeling and have been through?. hang in there.
Posted by KayLen on July 8, 2006, at 12:45:17
In reply to wow » KayLen, posted by wildcardII on July 7, 2006, at 22:38:23
WildCard II
Thanks for the input, thats just the reason I am coming out with what ive been through ....To get
some input to get me thinking and hopefully to take some kind of action one way or another...I realize I am the only one to answer my questions ..but sometimes I need a fire lit under me ...to get me moving...I appear to most to be alot more "together" than I am. It doesent work to my advantage ...thanks again you have helped more than you know..
PEACE
Kaylen
Posted by KayLen on July 8, 2006, at 13:24:01
In reply to wow » KayLen, posted by wildcardII on July 7, 2006, at 22:38:23
> ~you have to be the one to make that final decision but i think you answered a lot of your own questions and i don't recall hearing something very very important~that you loved him...i do not think that anyone who would do that to me i would ever be with again as the trust would be completely gone...
>
> you seem very smart and maybe it would help if you ask yourself, 'why does HE deserve another chance?' and 'do I really love him?'...
>
> i hope you find what is best for you and makes you happy but *if* you stay, would the past continue to emotionally abuse you? maybe some counseling for you and eventually both of ya'll together could help you make a decision w/ all you're feeling and have been through?. hang in there.Wildcard II
I have been rereading your post to me ...I have a question ...Your question was excelent "would I continue to let my past abuse me ..."....that is just what I am doing now and I don't know how to stop myself , I have been able to stop constantly thinking about it but it is still there. I feel as if I will never be free of it no matter what I do or don't do, I feel I love him , sometimes I think he deserves another chance other times I think of my situation and think i must be insane to not run for my life ...literally ...am I answering my own questions again?...do I have the guts to do anything about...anything?...i think the last decade answers that..I don't know how I became so weak and dependant. I am getting stronger but have reached a very low plateau..and at times fear that I have come to a point that I have reconciled with ...I tell myself counseling ..I began couneling at the beginning of this abuse for about four years ..and weather it helped or hinderd i don't know ...I didn't get the nerve to leave untill i quit couseling, I got support from a chat room of good people and that is what got me to safer ground . and that was my only source of support in anyway..I am really greatfull for that ...I don't like the idea of wasting another four years to go back to where I am now...I have a good financial life and I know one of us would ruined materialy if not both by a court battle ....and then i say to myself so what??..what is it worth?..and i think I may have gone too far and lost sight of everything that was once important and true for me..to me. I may have sold myself ...with no refunds allowed.that is what your question has led me to ask myself..have I done that? I must have the answer inside somewhere...is it hiding because i dont want to face it??..or havent got what it takes to do something about it?...When I think of the future with him I see nothing and I have a great imagination but I draw a blank. thanks for posting Wildcard...
PEACE
Kaylen
Posted by Jost on July 8, 2006, at 19:00:23
In reply to Re: wow » wildcardII, posted by KayLen on July 8, 2006, at 13:24:01
Kaylen, could I ask why you went back to him?
That is, how did it come about?
Because from what you said, his affair, betrayal, and other dishonesty went on for a long time.
I don't want to judge or be unfair, but the lengths to which he went--particularly with money, the business, as well as what you heard discussed-- suggest something beyond a man's falling out of love with his wife, or for whatever reason, feeling that a relationship no longer could continue.
There are ways to end a relationship that are respectful, careful, and safe.
The events and actions you describe not not that. I would worry that someone who did those things has deeper issues which, unless they've been worked on and resolved, would return.
Has your husband had therapy? Has he changed in a way that would make you believe that he can be trusted?
I'm concerned for you.
Jost
Posted by KayLen on July 9, 2006, at 17:43:18
In reply to Re: wow, posted by Jost on July 8, 2006, at 19:00:23
Hi, Jost,
There is so much wierdness in my whole situation. I didn't want to lose my business so in a sense...I never left. And I have only let one person hear some of the tapes {cd's now}and when I asked that person "if you had not heard this yourself ...and I told you the same thing you just heard and know he said would you have believed me?"....they couldn't look at me as they said No, I would have thought you were making it up or having a mental breakdown.
He doesn't believe he has any reason for therapy, Ive got him to go three times once to three different doctors...and he lied to each one. Only one of the doctors was able to see through his lies and believe me. To me Jost, it is all so far from anything I even thought could happen to anyone much less ME...that it may have tweaked me or something...I have been living a life that for the last decade is worst than any nightmares ive had and im still suffering. As far as me trusting him...so far there hasn't been an opportunity to show me he is or isn't trustworthy...so I do not trust him...and I won't untill he can prove he is worth trusting....if an oppourtunity to prove it doesnt happen ..I never will trust him. He has always told me I was wrong about it all...always proclaimed I was A. depressed B. PMS C. manic ...or as i call it his symptom of the day for me. And now that I have proof from his own mouth that I was not wrong...he trys his best to act like everything has been ok. especialy in front of others. I know he must have some deep underlying problems ..and i have told him that ..i told him he was a very sick man and that I had to get away because his illness was killing me. I know that I have to have big problems also to still be trying to deal with this instead of going on with my life, but for years i was emotionaly abused and it is a very insidious abuse. It is compared to brainwashing ...I began to believe the terrible things he said..I became manic depressive...and couldn't take care of simple daily things...for awhile I was totaly dependant on him to even get me to the doctors...today I still deal with hypo-mania and im so much better...I drive or fly thousands of miles...I take care of myself and have discoverd that it is no shame to ask for help...but I still love this man...I know he did what he did not because he hates me or is a bad human but he is sick. And I have to make up my mind ...I still have my sense of humor and i think of that song..."should I stay or should I go?..If I stay there could be trouble ..and if I go it could be double"...and I just discoverd something while typing that..i am a coward. thank you Jost very much...I hope you have the best possible life ever!!
PEACE
Kaylen
Posted by Jost on July 9, 2006, at 22:07:12
In reply to Re: wow » Jost, posted by KayLen on July 9, 2006, at 17:43:18
KayLen, are you in therapy yourself, for yourself?
Have you looked into some medication for the short term, to help get more clarity?
Maybe a good T and an AD or mood stabilizer to get you to a place where you feel more stable, and less afraid and confused.
You're not a coward. You're in a difficult situation, and have had a lot of abuse in your life. Maybe some of that abuse has led you to stay with your husband-- and while it can be terribly hard to take a chance and to trust yourself, you do deserve it.
Someone uninvolved, who believes you and who can help you make sense out of all this, could help you come to the best choices for you.
I hope you can find some peace, too. Thanks for your good wishes for me,
Jost
Posted by AuntieMel on July 11, 2006, at 10:02:55
In reply to Re: wow » Jost, posted by KayLen on July 9, 2006, at 17:43:18
Like wildcard said, only you can decide
"Am I better off with him or without him?"
Me? I'd dump his butt - and take the business while doing it. But that's me - I have enough troubles without living with someone who puts me down.
Posted by KayLen on July 11, 2006, at 11:17:18
In reply to Re: wow » KayLen, posted by Jost on July 9, 2006, at 22:07:12
Jost,
Thanks and I will find my peace...Ive think iv'e been staying where I am because I am hoping for something I will never get and that is an answer to WHY?...why would anyone go to so much trouble to make anyone unhappy...especialy someone they married...yes I am confused...and I have to accept what has happened and carry on. Thank You.
It is helping me just to share it. I have been "acting" out a role that I never wanted or auditioned for. I need to close the curtain on this portion of my life....its just tougher than anything ive ever had to do. I have done everything I can think of ...It is just not as easy as one would think. I appreciate your concern and taking the time to write. No matter what I will be OK. Im working on it ...I have been beat...but im not beaten..if that makes any sense.
*smile*
PEACE
Kaylen
Posted by KayLen on July 11, 2006, at 11:53:18
In reply to Re: wow, posted by AuntieMel on July 11, 2006, at 10:02:55
Hi,Auntie Mel
I think my last post to jost adresses your point as to why im stuck...I guess I just have to be ready ...and hope that getting ready doesent take too long. Thank you I appreciate you posting and flat out common sense. OH and the bussiness,It is the least of my worries now, I am set. I have no desire to ruin him or get revenge..I have come to the conclusion that is as old as the human race..money and power is not healthy for us humans. It can turn the best of us into monsters. Even if it was an issue He is the only person who can keep it going , and thats not insecurity on my part, he has always been the brain I was the guts and money behind it. I don't believe he planned on squeezing me out ...I believe maybe greed and power {we have made it farther than I ever dreamed and I dream pretty big!}...turned him into what he is today ...im thankful I am just a wounded bystander and not one of the monsters..as bad as I may think things are Your simple to the point post has made me realize..something very important ..im still me and I wouldnt trade places with anyone especialy the one that has turned against me ..he has to be a tortured soul, no one could be that shallow ...it
has made me weak but I can still face myself with a clear conscience ..im making my
comeback...thanks again,Auntie...I feel better than I have in some time!!
PEACE
Kaylen
Posted by Dog on July 11, 2006, at 13:30:11
In reply to Crazy?,Stupid?,Desparate?,or am I semi-normal?, posted by KayLen on July 6, 2006, at 5:09:31
I have experienced similar things from my wife. I have endured her physical abuse of hitting and kicking me. After I called the police one night, that helped with the physical some but now the verbal came. People who learn these things have a hard time un-learning them. The only thing I can think of is intense marriage counseling for both of you and to put everything out in the open with that counselor.
Posted by KayLen on July 12, 2006, at 1:31:13
In reply to Re: Crazy?,Stupid?,Desparate?,or am I semi-normal?, posted by Dog on July 11, 2006, at 13:30:11
Thanks Dog,
I am just a little aprehensive though. I am not sure he will be honest this time . We have made three attempts...And to my shock he lied to each and every one!!....But I have asked him if he would be willing to see a doc that knows us....and knows not all but alot of what is going on and he agreed. The thing to do now is arrange the appointments for the time frames I am there. I have alot of work and other things going here but If i had to i would fly up and right back if it is needed. Thank You I am being helped so much by being able to talk {write} about this and you and others taking the time and thought and caring to post to me with advice means more than you know.
PEACE
Kaylen
Posted by susan47 on August 5, 2006, at 22:11:15
In reply to Re: Crazy?,Stupid?,Desparate?,or am I semi-normal? » Dog, posted by KayLen on July 12, 2006, at 1:31:13
I'm sorry Kaylen, but this story sounds like a book Ann Rule would have written, I wouldn't trust your DH in a gabillion years and it sounds like he's scared of losing not you, but material things including money, and I would run like hell with what I have. Does he know you taped him?
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