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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by corafree on June 24, 2006, at 18:26:47
My daughter and boyfriend are on their way to the hospital where she will deliver her son, my first grandson.
I am physically ill and the subject line describes my emotional state.
My abusive ex-husband is flying back in just in time to be at her side. She is not his biological daughter. She, and my one son (his only biological child), live with 'Mr. Charmer' one mile from me! (Yeah .. this just gets better and better! Or should I say 'he did' and 'I didn't'?)
He may be re-paying my three children for the violence he displayed in his acts with me, but he has never re-paid me in any way. Unless my friends here see this is also his way to re-paying me? If so, why doesn't it feel like enough?! Am I being too me-me-me selfish?
I could 'hunker down', force myself to go to hospital, but I don't want to see him. I should, but I don't want to see him. I would, but I think I'd be lying to myself, again, and to three chidren, again.
I'm so tired of this ridiculous role-play 'we're able to be civil' game, and can see how it has confused the children.
'Not until recently' did I realize the enormous negative toll my time with him took upon me. We've been divorced and living apart for 10 years!
Am I S-L-O-W, or did I think I was S-U-P-E-R-W-O-M-A-N and no one could keep me down?
This realization has to mean something. I have to understand what is here between the lines because I think (No. I know that if you look close enough amazing things can be realized!) it is part of a key to finding my way back into the real world without fear.
love, cf
Posted by AuntieMel on June 25, 2006, at 11:08:39
In reply to Upset Confused! *trigger domestic violence*, posted by corafree on June 24, 2006, at 18:26:47
I know this has to be tough for you. Really, really tough.
But - for *your* sake - let your daughter enjoy her first baby. If that means forcing yourself to be civil, that is what it means.
The kids, along with you, suffered. And they aren't blind. And they won't forget, believe me.
If you can't be around him, then don't go to the hospital. Remember what it was like after just having a baby? She's probably so tired it won't matter too much anyway. A phone call and flowers should be enough.
Then go visit her after she gets home with the baby and he isn't there.
Just don't tell her why you waited. Tell her you wanted to be there when she got home so you could be more help. Or tell her you just couldn't get away right then.
But - please - remember that they, too, have suffered and she just wants to enjoy her baby right now.
And that is the biggest gift you can give her.
And you will thank yourself later, and feel better about yourself, by letting her have that gift.
Posted by corafree on June 26, 2006, at 10:06:20
In reply to Re: Upset Confused! *trigger domestic violence* » corafree, posted by AuntieMel on June 25, 2006, at 11:08:39
I gave 'going alone to the hospital' a good shot, but he managed to stomp that one out 'in front of my son', saying we shouldn't waste gas and should all go together. (I had to go over to their house to p/u my car from my son, so had to be in his presence.)
So here I am w/ my 1-y/o granddaughter, who worships him like everyone seems to, and I was civil.
Oh but the thoughts in my head . . . they were clear and new and different. Hard to explain. I didn't speak them of course.
Yes, my daughter has just been through a traumatic birthing and tonight will be caring for two babies instead of one .. her life changed forever. I love her so much.
He had to go and make I think two to three 'stomach turning' sexual remarks, and there were two incidents that started to trigger anger in him which I/he saw immediately were headed my way ... first time I've seen him recognize that 'he'd made the mistake' .. not me. This occurred tho', only after I very quickly and tactfully pointed it out. It was strange.
Before we left my daughter's room, I offered to pick them up today. I had to stand there and hear my daughter tell me she'd rather he drive them home! (I am on a narcotic because of the injury HE inflicted upon me. Oh, but when I have breakthrough pain and ask someone to drive me to an appt, they say no!)
Ya' know, he had a rap-sheet 8x long before he married me. I have only one incident; a night he was violent and police wanted me to leave the home as my winter-visiting mother was nearby, but my son was a toddler and I didn't want to live him w/ 'him'. The police took me to jail because I touched one of them. (I opened my arms saying 'but I don't want my son to stay w/ my him' and gently touched the officer's shoulders. They threw me on the ground! What a scre*ed up world!)
I couldn't sleep at all last night. I awoke to a nightmare. I must look like I feel!
This morn' I have to go buy a car-seat and take it over to him to put in his car so he can p/u my daughter and new grandson!
All that you've said is good and right, but he's a 'mastermind at entrapment'.
ThanksHon', but dam* I'm tired.
love, cf
Posted by llrrrpp on June 26, 2006, at 14:50:31
In reply to Re: Upset Confused! *trigger domestic violence* » AuntieMel, posted by corafree on June 26, 2006, at 10:06:20
Hi corafree,
this sounds incredibly difficult. I know it's hard for you to see the ones you love the most spending their lives around the one you hate the most. That's a terrible thing to be caught between.My father was verbally abusive to my mother for my entire life. It's so hard to stand up for my mother and love her and support her. It's so hard to love my father. He never did anything TO me to hurt me. But I still have wished him dead. I'm not scared of him. I have many fond memories of him. No one else in the world got to be the object of his violent temper besides my mother. Okay, about once a year we kids would get yelled at and maybe even spanked by him for something that we did that was definitely deserving of some discipline. But it wasn't enough to make me scared. I think your children know that this man is capable of some very scary behavior, but they have compartmentalized it as "behavior that only happens around mother" and that's how they are able to make themselves feel safe and loved by him. It must be incredibly difficult, especially when you want to be there for your daughter- this is the life event when I want my mom to be there for me.
your children are in a difficult place too. They want to love BOTH their parents, and it's natural for children to forgive their parents for a lot of wrongs, just because children WANT to love their parents. AuntieMel is right, though, forgiving is not forgetting. They are not fools. They know what he has done. You don't *need* their validation to know that he is a very evil man and has done evil things to you. But it sure would help you feel better if your children "punished" him by refusing to associate with him. That would feel good to you, but it might not be the healthiest thing for your children or grandchildren. I'm in no position to say what's healthy for your family or not. I'm just speaking from my own personal experience.
I'm not really able to see what your options are, only that you are doing really well so far. Avoid being alone with him, by all means. If you must see him, only in a public place, like a hospital or around friends and family that make you feel safe.
And as easy as it is for me to glibly say- don't let him hurt you any more by dwelling on the past, I'm not going to. He's your past, but he's also in your present, AND, he'll be in your future too, as long as your children make him part of their lives. But he doesn't have to consume your present. Think about the wonders of having a new baby in the family. The amazing love that you feel for your daughter. These are very pure emotions. Can you try to keep them pure, by shutting the presence of your ex out? Ignoring his person, and also his representation in your memory? It must be incredibly difficult. I'm so sorry that you were hurt by this man. No one deserves to be treated that way. And your continuing physical and paychological pain must make things a real stuggle. Keep yourself safe Corafree. You are a wonderful person and a loving mother and grandmom too. (((gentle hugs for Corafree))). And congratulations on the new baby :)
yours,
-ll
Posted by gardenergirl on June 26, 2006, at 15:20:43
In reply to Re: Upset Confused! *trigger domestic violence* » AuntieMel, posted by corafree on June 26, 2006, at 10:06:20
Wow, what a tough situation! I'm so glad you got through it. It sounds like you had moments when you were a bit more assertive. If I'm understanding your post, and that's true, good for you! And even if I'm off base, still good for you for getting through it. I bet you were exhausted after. I hope that once they get home you can find ways to spend time with them without him around.
Take care. And congrats, btw!
gg
Posted by AuntieMel on June 26, 2006, at 17:28:34
In reply to Re: Upset Confused! *trigger domestic violence* » AuntieMel, posted by corafree on June 26, 2006, at 10:06:20
Beautiful work, lady, beautiful work!
As hard as it is, I have found that involving the kids just makes them resent everyone.
They *wanted* the mayburry life and don't want reminders that it wasn't so.
They want to forge their own relationships - good or bad - and they will do this no matter what.
But they will always, and I *do* mean always come back to the person who remained above the fray, who didn't put them in the middle.
And you will love yourself more for allowing them to grow.
Posted by curtm on June 27, 2006, at 10:26:37
In reply to Upset Confused! *trigger domestic violence*, posted by corafree on June 24, 2006, at 18:26:47
((((((CF))))))
>> This realization has to mean something. I have to understand what is here between the lines because I think (No. I know that if you look close enough amazing things can be realized!) it is part of a key to finding my way back into the real world without fear.
Interesting comment. I see there are essential things here to reaching the real world...
1. finding a key,
2. finding a way back,
3. finding what the key fits.
Posted by corafree on June 30, 2006, at 1:44:14
In reply to Re: Upset Confused! *trigger domestic violence* » corafree, posted by curtm on June 27, 2006, at 10:26:37
Oh everyone, another 'ex-husband' flew in from the north. Of course, he brought me more emotional baggage. This whole thing here is still happening; but I've put it 'on the back burner where no one can mess with it' until I can totally focus on it. That will be when this other ex leaves town, and my daughter's 6lb baby boy is at least 8lbs and holding his own. In the meantime, I'm keeping 'a safe distance' w/ exA and exB, spending ltd time in their presence.
love, cf
Posted by corafree on June 30, 2006, at 1:56:56
In reply to Re: Upset Confused! *trigger domestic violence* » corafree, posted by AuntieMel on June 26, 2006, at 17:28:34
You're right, you're right. This doesn't have to involve the children at all.
They have nothing to do with what is going to be changing in this situation.
The only one (or maybe now there are two since another ex just got here) is him. And he has already seen a bit of it.
I'm getting it little by little.
I posted backwards here, from bottom up.
There is something about 'his reactions' to my 'self control and disinterest' that is revealing 'not who and what he is', but more 'WHO I AM' for the first time and I think I'm in for a nice surprise.
love, cf
Posted by corafree on June 30, 2006, at 20:54:45
In reply to Re: Upset Confused! *trigger domestic violence* » AuntieMel, posted by corafree on June 30, 2006, at 1:56:56
I've jumped the gun in saying I think I might be in for a nice surprise. Neither the word 'nice' or 'surprise' are proper here.
There may be some sadness down here in the end.
tksforstandingby, cf
Posted by AuntieMel on July 11, 2006, at 9:53:32
In reply to Searching Deeply *trigger domestic violence* » corafree, posted by corafree on June 30, 2006, at 20:54:45
I've just got back from holiday.
You were right the first time. You are in for nice surprises.
The best revenge is success. That doesn't just mean financial. It often means personal - becoming a whole person and not one defined by others.
And if you don't *feel* that way yet - well, he doesn't have to know that, does he?
Posted by corafree on July 11, 2006, at 10:40:46
In reply to Re: Searching Deeply *trigger domestic violence* » corafree, posted by AuntieMel on July 11, 2006, at 9:53:32
You're right, I feel much better, and I think it has a lot to do with 'telling myself the truth' re: what I really think of him.
I've 'acted too civil' too long.
I have three children Auntie Mel. The two that are not yet married are living with him! His house is only about a mile away from this condo I rent from my mother.
And, one of them has two babies.
So, there are four of my loved ones with him!
Of course, 'he flaunts this' in my presence! (Yep, I do have to occasionally see him.)
This presents 'a conflict' I don't seem to be handling well at all, in making my way towards 'that success'.
All three of them know .....
I'm lonely and not adjusting well to this new town, a move which resulted from my Dad's passing (a little over two years now), and the accompanying literal loss of all my family of origin. After he died, my mother sort of 'took my life away from me'. She 'sold both of my homes', a move supported by my siblings, and bought this condo near my children, for me to rent from her. She built herself a new one near my siblings in another State. I am one of five, they closest to my mother, and I to my father. This past weekend, none of my three children came over to visit me, now that I am living so close to them.(?) My mother knew I didn't want to move here, but she wanted $ from old condo (Value went up!) to build another house. I did what the Ten Commandments say to do. Get the picture?
I'm embarrassed to say it, but I have no IRL friends 'in my life' currently.
So, I'm ultimately minus my father, two homes, my comfort zone, my siblings, and now it feels like 'my children'?!
I'm sorry if I've repeated myself.
All in all, w/ this new realization, these hurdles have me stumbling. I think that's what I'm trying to say. Sorry so lengthy.
tks4support, cf
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