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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by waterfall on March 30, 2006, at 15:26:54
I was a cutter for 13 years. I stopped 12 years ago and I am on the verge of going back. All I can think about is harming myself. I know people get triggered here so I won't describe what I want to do, I just want to harm myself and I know concretely how I want to do it. It will not result in death or an emergency room, just pain.
I did something I shouldn't have done - I had a one-night stand. I'm being judged very harshly by my friends who were present, as well as my shrink, who equated the selfishness of having a one-night stand with child molestation (normally she's not such a pathetic counselor, but I suppose we all fall down on the job sometimes) (don't worry, the man I had the affair with was 35 and there were no children involved, she was just being punishing while I sat there and cried).
I haven't told my husband about the affair. I think he would leave me. The friends I would normally go to for support are the ones judging me so harshly. And yes, they've had affairs while being married also, so what makes them so much better than me I'm not quite sure.
I am struggling so hard, I feel like I'm at the tipping point. A few nights ago I didn't sleep at all. I had 6 milligrams of Ativan and 4 drinks over the course of the night and I still didn't sleep. (I know, don't mix. I know. But I have a 12 year track record I'm trying really hard to keep in tact right now and that night it felt like anything that would keep me from self-injury was good enough).
I have a solid plan for tonight:
1. Stay late at work
2. Pick up my husband at the barber shop and take him home
3. Do the grocery shopping
4. Grill hamburgers for dinner
5. Check my computer and look for reassuring messages from this post.
6. Watch Six Feet Under on DVD with my husband
7. Look at the pretty pictures of myself that a photographer took last month.
8. DO NOT HARM MYSELF.I've had so much Klonopin in the last two days I'll be lucky to stay awake through Six Feet Under.
Three nights ago I was in this same place, working out my concrete plan not to harm myself and I was cooking dinner (step one: make a complicated meal and do the dishes) and cut my thumb pretty badly, badly enough to need stitches. I didn't go to the ER of course. I have a lot of scarring even though I haven't harmed myself in 12 years and walking in with any cut on that same arm I'm going to get questions. Normally, my psychiatrist's business card would be my "get out of jail free" card. "Here, call her, she'll tell you I'm fine." But right now I am not fine, and she knows it, and so I'd get the psych consult and maybe I would go home and maybe I wouldn't and there in the emergency room my husband would learn I had had a one-night stand the previous weekend and now was being hospitalized because I couldn't be trusted not to harm myself. Yah, no thank you. So I've got my thumb all wrapped up and I'll have an ugly scar when it all knits back together however it feels inclined to knit back together. I did not cut myself on purpose. I was thinking about my concrete plan to keep myself from doing it. But I was also on Ativan, and drinking, and harming myself was all I'd wanted all day. I have stopped the drinking, at least for the past few days. The Ativan, too. Neither was working alone or together. The Klonopin seems to be helping some.
I'm also on Lexapro and Lamictal for bi-polar 2. I am not in a manic phase. The sex was about having fun, not mania.
Please, some encouragement, some support. I'm feeling so punished, and so judged, and so close to the edge with no where to go.
Posted by Bobby on March 30, 2006, at 20:58:26
In reply to Need help, at tipping point, posted by waterfall on March 30, 2006, at 15:26:54
I don't know what to say that will help----but it sounds like you could use some. Sometimes, all it takes is to know that, at least, someone is listening. Please don't let guilt dictate your next move---it's made me do things that I later regreted. All the best to you.
Posted by waterfall on March 31, 2006, at 20:07:21
In reply to Re: Need help, at tipping point » waterfall, posted by Bobby on March 30, 2006, at 20:58:26
Thanks, Bobby. I told my husband about the affair. He was as understanding as one could expect. Actually, he was very supportive, as hard as that is to believe. I guess he knows and understands me. Pities me, sometimes, I think. I got in touch with my psych and she's prescribing a major tranquilizer - Seroquel - for the time being. I didn't self-injure so my 12 year record is intact. Yay, me!
I don't know what to say that will help----but it sounds like you could use some. Sometimes, all it takes is to know that, at least, someone is listening. Please don't let guilt dictate your next move---it's made me do things that I later regreted. All the best to you.
Posted by deirdrehbrt on April 1, 2006, at 1:48:02
In reply to Re: Need help, at tipping point, posted by waterfall on March 31, 2006, at 20:07:21
I'm glad that you got some help and support. I'm glad that your husband was as graceful as he was. He must have felt quite hurt, but it seems obvious that he loves you.
I used to SI also. I know how tempting it can be, and I'm very proud of you for not doing so. I hope that your relationship with your husband can heal. I hope that your thumb heals too. Sorry for being late, but I'm glad things seem to be working out.
The Seroquel should help you sleep. Just 25 mg puts my roommate out.
The thing that you said that scared me the most was about drinking with meds. I had a major problem with that, and my last encounter found me waking up in intensive care. Please be careful.
Dee.
Posted by Sixsecrets on April 2, 2006, at 10:57:07
In reply to Need help, at tipping point, posted by waterfall on March 30, 2006, at 15:26:54
I understand how you feel. Sometimes it is such a merry-go-round. I have had the ocassional one-nighter. I am not married tho. I have had a one nighter with a mriied man and it was just all about passion and some fun, Did I feel guilty he was married? Not really, it takes two to do the deed. Did my friends support me? No. They retty much said I was a tramp for doing a amarried man. Let them think what they want. I know I am not a tramp.
As for cutting, I've got the scars as well. I know the enticement of it. When I feel it pulling, I go through the tortures of the damned and occupy myself with something physical (usually cleaning the bathroom, or I take out the trash)...I have an impeccably clean bathroom..but, the temptation lasts so I take an Ativan, read something funny...
You are NOT a bad person, nor do I think you are a tramp, you're just on the merry-go-round like the rest of us.
I'd be very careful not to let your husband know that you were fooling around, the consequences could be very uncomfortable.
Keep us posted.
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