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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 4 of 4. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Shame on March 2, 2006, at 14:05:26
I read posts here, and I see the themes that define the relationships that the mentally ill have with other people; need, loneliness, social awkwardness, sexual dysfunction, anxiety, SO's that will never understand. I'm guilty of all of these.Still, I wonder about other things. For those of you that are married, did your spouse know what they were getting into before they said 'I do'? Could you make them understand? Did you try? I'm not sure where I went wrong.
I can't say that I hid what I was. My wife knew I had a mood disorder when we met. She saw some of my bad days when we were dating. She some of my worst when we were living together. She still admits she didn't know how bad things where until a few years ago.
Is an omission a lie? If it is, then I am a master of the art. I meter out my past to her in tolerable doses. Sometimes she asks, not sure if she wants to hear the answer, sometimes I tell her, not sure if she can handle it.
Waiting in line at the fast food drive through she tells me she is worried that she wouldn't be able to tell if I was going to commit suicide. I'm too smart and I hide things too well. I explain to her that its a huge leap from the bad day I am having to the desperation of final exit. There would be signs; erratic behavior, bad judgment, changes in handwriting, altered speech patterns. I have been there, I know where the road ends and it's far, far from here.
I show her the practice cuts on my wrists.
"I didn't know you were ever that close. Why practice?"
How do you explain the vanity of it; that I didn't want any hesitation marks, no restarts, no stuttering? A clear message, 'This is what I wanted. I had no doubts. This, I got right.'
Surely she can see that I am far from that sort of madness. Is it the fact that I can talk about it in such detail that scares her? The fact that I was willing to do it, and that she could never imagine doing it herself?
I really have no idea, and I suppose it doesn't matter. I never know what to share. Our pasts are so different, sometimes I wonder what it is that we have in common.
Does any of this resonate with anyone else? When I post I'm usually talking to myself. Today I'm asking. I'm not very good at that.
Posted by Tanzanite on March 2, 2006, at 14:41:39
In reply to Breaking the skin. *Trigger*, posted by Shame on March 2, 2006, at 14:05:26
My husband very well knew how I was and what my condition was before we got married. I was very open and honest about everything. But, you know what it doesn't seem to have mattered. He still doesn't take the most serious situations seriously enough which makes it even worse. I think sometimes folks turn to omission because they don't feel their partner will understand. Well, when I don't use omission I really don't think my own husband has really even grasped what I am trying to say sometimes. So I guess it can go either way. I really hope your wife can come to a point where she understands better why you are able to talk so clearly about things, and that it is just how you are and that does not necessarily mean you are going to hurt yourself. I also hope she listens to you and grasps the warning signs you have given her. I wouldn't know how to go about explaining some things like you have asked. Because I have had difficulties with that myself. However, since my husband sometimes takes on the air that I just feel sorry for myself. When I have talked wanting to not be here anymore after a bad fight he just shuts down. I also wonder what I have in common with my own husband. I love him so much, but I am afraid that his "I accept you" was actually I will continue to battle against your illness and the things that you cannot change. That is how I feel sometimes. Ever go through that?
Peace
Tanzanite
Posted by deirdrehbrt on March 2, 2006, at 18:51:45
In reply to Re: Breaking the skin. *Trigger*, posted by Tanzanite on March 2, 2006, at 14:41:39
You know? I don't even know where to start. I was married once. For over 14 years. We have two daughters.
I didn't know much about my mood disorder then. I was too concerned with my gender identity disorder, though I didn't have a name for it. But knowing that it was a "sin" to feel the way I felt, that I was going to "h*ll" because of it, I was certain that God would "fix" me. My spouse knew what I knew about it. I think we were both confident it would be fixed.
Anyway, 14 years passed. I was threatened with divorce if I didn't change. Honestly, I wanted to, I just couldn't.
Along with this were my mood swings with being bipolar. Depending on what arguments or threats happened on which days, I might try suicide. I have no idea how I possibly survived some of these attempts... Deity must have wanted me around.
My ex knew about some of these, but most were a secret.
I don't think that I was hiding anything, but I didn't know how to explain it. We both thought God would "work it out". No hiding, just lots of stuff that wasn't understood. Maybe it's similar to that with you.
--Dee
Posted by Shame on March 6, 2006, at 12:15:04
In reply to Re: Breaking the skin. *Trigger*, posted by Tanzanite on March 2, 2006, at 14:41:39
See my posting under "I don't feel loved in my marrige. I am sad." :P
This is the end of the thread.
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