![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by gardenergirl on February 25, 2006, at 17:15:42
Hi everyone,
I just wanted to run something by y'all. It's still bothering me, which in and of itself bothers me.My husband has taken to holding his anger in and then dumping it all out on important days: My birthday and our anniversary, in particular. So with Valentine's day coming up, I decided I was not going to expect anything from him. That way, I wouldn't be hurt or disappointed if/when he didn't do anything special for it. Now, it's true that we are not big fans of V-day anyway. But we usually do a card and maybe flowers.
I bought him a card. And in an email I sent to him that day, I included "Happy Valentine's day" in the text. He came home, opened his card, and then said that he had forgotten about it.
Now, I really wasn't upset. I hadn't expected anything, and it's not that big of a "holiday". (It's a commercially invented holiday, but that's a whole 'nother post).
But later, I remembered that I had said Happy v-day in my email to him. If he truly wanted to get me something, even if he had forgotten before, he could have at least stopped at the grocery store on the way home and picked out a stupid card. So that kind of bothers me, but I really was okay until I remembered the email. (okay, maybe unconsciously I was not okay.)
Anyway. one question is this: Is it healthy of me to lower my expectations like that in order to not be so hurt when he lives up to the lower expectation? Or is that me being too pessimistic and negative? I admit, it's really really nice not to be hysterically hurt like I was twice last year. But...what if I always keep my expectations to nil? Won't that be depressing, too?
What do y'all think?
gg
Posted by Dinah on February 26, 2006, at 19:52:52
In reply to lowering expectations--healthy?, posted by gardenergirl on February 25, 2006, at 17:15:42
I think my answer has two parts.
First there's the decision about the relationship. Whether it's worthwhile, whether it's what you want, whether your needs are being met. That's where expectations have to be kept relatively high.
Then there's the hurts in a relationship that you've decided (and periodically reassesed) is a worthwhile one that overall meets your needs. I think that's where lowered expectations can help a lot. It *is* sort of depressing, but if you can say "My husband is a terrific man who xxxx, and yet he can also be passive aggressive about special events." and he's "xxxx". There will probably be a lot of things on both sides of the equation. But thinking about it in a balanced way, and realizing that accepting the bitter comes with appreciating the better puts it all in better perspective.
Or so I've found.
Which doesn't mean that you can't keep trying. Just that it hurts less to realize that you may well not succeed.
I tend to have terribly low expectations in some areas, and terribly high expectations in others. All of which my husband can handily meet and sometimes exceed. :) (And vice versa I might add.)
Or at least that's my somewhat jaded view of relationships.
Posted by annierose on February 28, 2006, at 16:57:28
In reply to lowering expectations--healthy?, posted by gardenergirl on February 25, 2006, at 17:15:42
Hi GG -
I think this is something you can bring up in marriage counseling. Have you ever mentioned to your husband that it's important to you to just acknowledge special events with something simple, like a card, or flowers?
I understand what Dinah is saying about the strengths and weaknesses each partner brings to a marriage. But lowering expectations, for me, is something different. My T is trying to help me raise my expectations for help around the house and with the children. Set the bar high. Sometimes it is just easier doing things by myself, but I should be able to DEPEND on him for some needs. If not, I might as well be a single mother.
Wait --- where did I de-rail my thought? Anyway, marriage is hard, it's work. Good luck with the counseling.
Sorry to read you were sick last week. The bug really bit you good. I'm crossing my fingers I can escape the flu season this year.
Posted by gardenergirl on March 1, 2006, at 9:25:50
In reply to Re: lowering expectations--healthy? » gardenergirl, posted by Dinah on February 26, 2006, at 19:52:52
Thanks for the input, Dinah. It doesn't sound jaded to me as much as it sounds realistic. My T has said similar things....that wishing for or needing something is one thing, but my husband's capacity for meeting that need is another. I suppose it IS healthy to keep them more realistically in-line. And I suppose communicating them is also a good thing.
At the same time, I find myself starting to think about making my own plans (which of course could include him) for my 40th birthday. I want it to be fun and I want to do something special. So if I plan it myself, there's much less chance of being disappointed, right?
And incidentally, one tiny, I need to whisper it idea is a wish to get together with my online friends. Shhhh, can't commit to it yet. But it's brewing. :)
Or we can always do an Open party. Or a conference, since Yahoo chat is so annoying.
gg
Posted by gardenergirl on March 1, 2006, at 9:30:04
In reply to Re: lowering expectations--healthy? » gardenergirl, posted by annierose on February 28, 2006, at 16:57:28
Hi,
Yeah, I think this is definitely good grist for marriage counseling, and in our first session, it was very obvious that our anniversary, in particular, was still a painful subject for me. He admitted that he screwed up, but we still seem so far apart on how to deal with it.Maybe I just need to forgive and move on. That's so hard, though. It feels like such a loss. And I don't know how he could make it up to me, frankly. Or if he should. Or if he would. We could "celebrate" now, but it just seems weird and forced. The day is passed, you know?
Damn. Obviously this is still very upsetting for me. Damn damn damn.
At least I"m finally feeling better now that I'm on the right antibiotic.
But keep washing those hands!
Thanks,
gg
Posted by annierose on March 1, 2006, at 16:57:07
In reply to Re: lowering expectations--healthy?, posted by gardenergirl on March 1, 2006, at 9:25:50
GG-
When I turned 40, I absolutely planned my own celebration. A few of my co-workers wondered why. My husband said if it were up to him, we go to Burger King for dinner (not true, but you get the point). I love planning parties, so I had a dinner party at home with the friends I wanted to invite. And best of all, I gave the catering bill to my husband (I didn't want to cook on my special day).
Glad you have turned the corner. Nothing worse than the flu.
Posted by gardenergirl on March 10, 2006, at 9:36:36
In reply to Re: lowering expectations--healthy? » gardenergirl, posted by annierose on March 1, 2006, at 16:57:07
Thanks! I am feeling much much better. Woo hoo! Even recovered from a busy conference I just attended.
I sort of want to get together a group of friends somewhere fun...not sure where. I realize that travel costs are an issue. I think it might be best to avoid celebrating near the actual date, since it's very close to the Toronto thing.
But I'm looking at cheap places to fly...Orlando...Las Vegas (shudders), etc. Anywhere that's consistently cheap, likely because it's touristy.
Still in the thinking about phase. I did run it by hubster, and he didn't get upset. But that means squat. Have to hash it out in MC I think. (Oy, I first typed he DID get upset!)
Hope you're doing well.
gg
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Relationships | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.