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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by lookdownfish on January 18, 2006, at 14:33:04
My husband was having an affair which I discovered 2 months ago. he has now finished it (apparently). We are seeing a therapist together and I don't really know where that's going. We have talked about it a lot, and things seem better, but I'm just wondering how I can ever feel I can trust him again. He works away a lot and every night I'm just imagining him with this other woman, even though he assures me he loves me and isn't going to see her again. Can anyone advise? Thanks.
Posted by jonquiljo on January 19, 2006, at 15:11:30
In reply to getting over husband's affair, posted by lookdownfish on January 18, 2006, at 14:33:04
Sorry about that lookdownfish. Betrayal can be hurtful. Most men cheat from essentially bad judgement. If you love each other, I believe it can be put back on track.
It will take a long time to forgive and trust on your part. Thats only natural. It really depends on the strength and duration of your relationship with this man. Has it been going on long - the marriage? If so, is this the first and only time? Marraiges can be as flexible as the participants. If you really love each other, you can get over this.
In any case, my sympathies - and good luck.
Posted by Tamar on January 20, 2006, at 20:28:17
In reply to getting over husband's affair, posted by lookdownfish on January 18, 2006, at 14:33:04
> My husband was having an affair which I discovered 2 months ago. he has now finished it (apparently). We are seeing a therapist together and I don't really know where that's going. We have talked about it a lot, and things seem better, but I'm just wondering how I can ever feel I can trust him again. He works away a lot and every night I'm just imagining him with this other woman, even though he assures me he loves me and isn't going to see her again. Can anyone advise? Thanks.
Sorry to hear of your pain. I haven’t been in this situation, but I know many people who have, and from everything I’ve heard it takes quite a long time to rebuild the trust.
I imagine if it were me I’d want to know why he wanted to be with someone else (idle curiosity? momentary lust? confused feelings?). I’d want to know what she gave him that I didn’t (more intimacy? more kissing? more comfort?).
And then, after finding out all the hard stuff, the hardest thing of all is accepting that he chose to be with you. It’s hard because it doesn’t feel quite real. Whatever her advantages and your shortcomings, he chose you. So ultimately you were the prize and she was rejected. You are the one he loves and she was a temporary distraction. You won and she lost. And that’s hard to believe when you feel hurt.
Maybe you feel your husband gave the other woman something that was yours. That would make sense. It’s hard to leave the past in the past. And yet, when any couple comes together they have to put their pasts behind them. It’s harder to do when you’re already an established couple, but it can be just as necessary. If your husband is really putting his affair in the past, then it’s not longer part of his life or yours.
I reckon one of the hardest things to get over is the sense of being deceived. You might imagine that if he deceived you before he could deceive you again. I think learning to trust again is all about wanting to believe him when he says he loves you. He might need to say goodbye to the other woman (the important thing about saying goodbye is that it brings closure and ensures the affair really is in the past). But apart from saying goodbye, he doesn’t want to see her any more.
And if you need to hear it from him frequently, just ask him. Ask him why he chose you instead of her (and he’d better have some good answers…). You need to build up your confidence in the relationship again. You need to feel he values and loves and respects you. His job is to give you as much comfort and reassurance as he can and (IMHO) always to apologise when you’re feeling angry about the affair, even if your anger irks him. Your job is to try as hard as you can to believe in his love, even when you’re angry.
Just my two cents…
Tamar
Posted by lookdownfish on January 23, 2006, at 17:15:09
In reply to Re: getting over husband's affair, posted by jonquiljo on January 19, 2006, at 15:11:30
I am really hopeful that we can get things back on track. Some friends have told me just today that they would never forgive their husband in this kind of situation, but for me there seems too much at stake with children involved. We have been together for about 12 years. Thanks for your reply.
Posted by lookdownfish on January 23, 2006, at 17:18:03
In reply to Re: getting over husband's affair » lookdownfish, posted by Tamar on January 20, 2006, at 20:28:17
Thanks for your thoughts Tamar - lots of stuff for me to think about that hadn't occured to me.
This is the end of the thread.
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