![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 18 of 18. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by cricket on January 23, 2006, at 13:44:21
My husband has had girlfiends for our entire relationship. He goes out almost every night. On the weekends it's usually late (around 4 am I think this weekend).
Actually I think at times there may be more than one. I think he goes on vacations with them (or I guess one of them at a time).
They call night and day. His cell phone is permanently planted on his ear.
So why don't I care?
I do love him. I would never want anything bad to happen to him.
I know this is supposed to bother me. But it doesn't.
What is wrong with me? Sometimes I wonder if I'm human.
Posted by jonquiljo on January 23, 2006, at 14:25:30
In reply to What is wrong with me?, posted by cricket on January 23, 2006, at 13:44:21
There's nothing wrong with you - but there is something wrong with him. You love him - and he takes you for granted obviously. It sounds like he is terribly out of control. It sounds to me that you've distanced yourself from his behavior. Thats normal too. When we feel pain, we back off.
Not to be jumping the gun, but are you sure it isn't time for you to move on in your life?
Posted by cricket on January 23, 2006, at 14:59:01
In reply to Re: What is wrong with me?, posted by jonquiljo on January 23, 2006, at 14:25:30
Hi Jonquiljo,
Thanks for responding.
> There's nothing wrong with you - but there is something wrong with him.
Well yes, I guess there is something wrong with him. He needs the constant ego gratification of having multiple women drooling over him. But I know that. And I guess that's it. That's a cheap price to pay. If he just had me, then I would have to do all the drooling. I don't want to do that.You love him - and he takes you for granted obviously.
Hmmm. Not so sure about that. He needs me a lot (financially, language skills) and he is very aware of that need. Perhaps that need also feeds into his compulsion.
It sounds like he is terribly out of control.
Yeah it's too bad. I guess I worry most about him having another child with one of these women. 18 years of child support would be a real burden for both of us.It sounds to me that you've distanced yourself from his behavior.
Yeah well it is his behavior not mine.Thats normal too. When we feel pain, we back off.
>
I feel pain about a lot of things, but not this. I guess that's why I was questioning how strange it seems.> Not to be jumping the gun, but are you sure it isn't time for you to move on in your life?
Well I really have moved on in my life. I don't depend or rely on him for anything. We've been together almost 15 years and I learned that the first six months.
But I'd never leave him. I love him and feel sorry for him most of the time.
Posted by jonquiljo on January 23, 2006, at 15:29:58
In reply to Re: What is wrong with me? » jonquiljo, posted by cricket on January 23, 2006, at 14:59:01
You deserve better than that. If he's been doing that for 15 years, then you are used to the pain. I guess that's moving on in my mind too.
I dunno, I just think that people desrve better than spouses that wander. Marriage is never perfect - and often less than conventional, but still... The best of luck.
Posted by alexandra_k on January 24, 2006, at 17:26:55
In reply to Re: What is wrong with me? » jonquiljo, posted by cricket on January 23, 2006, at 14:59:01
I think it is understandable that you don't care.
I mean... If you did care then what? You would feel really very upset about it, and to what end?
And something you struggle with is the thought that 'I am incapable of caring for another human being / having a caring relationship with another human being' and so... You probably think that you can't give him what he needs in terms of an emotional connection. So... You don't want to grudge him that...
And maybe it takes the pressure off you too. Maybe in terms of sex. Maybe in terms of an emotional connection. Because if he is getting that from other sources then it takes the pressure off you.
And so maybe... You don't think that any other kind of relationship would be possible for you.
I think it would be really very hard to have a strong emotional connection to a partner who was sleeping around. But it sounds like you guys have kind of worked out things so that each of you is able to accept what the other offers...
Maybe... As you get better you will start to want more than he can offer you. But it probably will take time.
Not sure how much sense I'm making.
Also... Yeah, I can see that pregnancy could be a concern... But if that is a concern then STD's is a very real concern as well (assuming you guys sleep together sometimes). If he is going to be doing that... Then the very least he could do would be to use a condom.
(((((Cricket)))))
Posted by JenStar on January 25, 2006, at 13:46:33
In reply to What is wrong with me?, posted by cricket on January 23, 2006, at 13:44:21
hi cricket,
your relationship mystifies me - I can't understand it, at least as an outsider looking in. For me, no marriage would be better than a marriage where my husband openly cheats. But I know that there are all kinds of relationships in this world, and sometimes things "work" even when they don't make sense to me.
But...are you truly happy in this kind of relationship? Is this something you two have discussed and come to an open arrangement? Are you allowed to or do you have boyfriends of your own? What are you getting from this marriage?
To me, it seems that he is treating you with gross disrespect.
As to why you allow it: Maybe you don't feel you're worthy of better, and therefore you settle for what he gives? Do you feel like you're a "savior" of a sort, if he relies on you for things? Do you feel more like a mother figure than a wife, but some part of you is so afraid to be alone that you won't leave him? Are you not that attracted to men in general, but worried about your sexuality, and this marriage is a way to protect your identity?
These questions are just questions...I'm not making any assumptions about you.
As to whether there is something "wrong" with you, that's kind of a loaded question. :) But in general, I think you're not treating yourself with the respect and dignity and love that you deserve, if you allow yourself to stay with a man who does this to you.
Do you feel human in other respects?
JenStar
Posted by cricket on January 25, 2006, at 14:03:32
In reply to Re: What is wrong with me? » cricket, posted by alexandra_k on January 24, 2006, at 17:26:55
> I think it is understandable that you don't care.
>
> I mean... If you did care then what? You would feel really very upset about it, and to what end?
>
Yeah, that's right.> And something you struggle with is the thought that 'I am incapable of caring for another human being / having a caring relationship with another human being' and so... You probably think that you can't give him what he needs in terms of an emotional connection. So... You don't want to grudge him that...
>
Yeah. That's it too. You really do know me.
> And maybe it takes the pressure off you too. Maybe in terms of sex. Maybe in terms of an emotional connection. Because if he is getting that from other sources then it takes the pressure off you.
>
Well the sex I like for the most part. So I don't feel much pressure there.
It's everything else that I feel like I can't do.
The parties where I am supposed to wear a skin tight dress and high heels and look better than every other woman.
The baseball games where I am supposed to stand on the sidelines and cheer and chat about soap operas with the other women while the men chug beers and pat each others butts.
The stupid television shows that I don't even understand much less find funny.Yeah, I guess I'm glad that he has other women for these things.
I just can't do them. It's too much of a sacrifice. It costs too much.> And so maybe... You don't think that any other kind of relationship would be possible for you.
>
Yeah I guess not. :-(> I think it would be really very hard to have a strong emotional connection to a partner who was sleeping around. But it sounds like you guys have kind of worked out things so that each of you is able to accept what the other offers...
>
Yes, I guess so. My therapist says we are like noble gases when we are around each. No volatility, no interactions. We never fight or argue. Just pretty much ignore each other.> Maybe... As you get better you will start to want more than he can offer you. But it probably will take time.
>
In some ways, I guess I hope not. He always says please don't leave me when I'm too old to get another woman.
Seems like a reasonable request.
I guess what I hope will happen is that as I get better I will be able to find friendships that can offer me connections and interactions.
It's a bit hard even to imagine now though. Sex is the only way I know. I guess that explains how I got into this relationship in the first place.
> Not sure how much sense I'm making.
>
A lot. As usual Alex.
> Also... Yeah, I can see that pregnancy could be a concern... But if that is a concern then STD's is a very real concern as well (assuming you guys sleep together sometimes). If he is going to be doing that... Then the very least he could do would be to use a condom.
>
Yes, that's for sure. I once saw one in his backpack which was a great relief.
I have all these horrifying statistics at work on AID/HIVS in various countries (some of which he visits)and I've shared them with him just in a sort of can you believe how horrible this is kind of way.
Posted by cricket on January 25, 2006, at 15:04:17
In reply to Re: What is wrong with me? » cricket, posted by JenStar on January 25, 2006, at 13:46:33
Hi JenStar,
>
> your relationship mystifies me - I can't understand it, at least as an outsider looking in. For me, no marriage would be better than a marriage where my husband openly cheats. But I know that there are all kinds of relationships in this world, and sometimes things "work" even when they don't make sense to me.
>
Yes, I know it is far different from most marriages. I guess I've been thinking about that lately and what that means.It is cultural for one thing. In some latin cultures, it is pretty much accepted that a man will have dual wives so to speak. One that bears the name and is sort of the official wife (that's me I guess - although I am the third in a series) and then there's the good time girlfriend. Both women usually bear his children. In old times, both women would be supported financially by the man. This is the way my husband was raised, this is the way his brothers, brothers-in-law live.
I guess things are changing but my husband is definitely old school.
> But...are you truly happy in this kind of relationship? Is this something you two have discussed and come to an open arrangement? Are you allowed to or do you have boyfriends of your own? What are you getting from this marriage?
>
Well, we don't talk about it, but then again we don't really talk about anything.
I definitely don't have boyfriends, and no that would not be permitted at all.
What am I getting from this marriage?
Sex sometimes.
Kind words.
A caring, affectionate touch sometimes.> To me, it seems that he is treating you with gross disrespect.
>
I don't know. And I know this is going to sound far out, but it's just a penis right. And I didn't buy the penis. Although Alex is right to point out that I should worry about STDs, I mean otherwise what is the big deal?> As to why you allow it: Maybe you don't feel you're worthy of better, and therefore you settle for what he gives?
Yes maybe. I can't really imagine better.
Do you feel like you're a "savior" of a sort, if he relies on you for things?
Hmm. That's an interesting question. I do feel responsible for him.Do you feel more like a mother figure than a wife,
Yeah, sometimes. Don't like it though. Definitely not good for sex.but some part of you is so afraid to be alone that you won't leave him?
Nah, I am alone right now.Are you not that attracted to men in general,
I am very attracted to men in general. I had more than my fair share of sex before I married.
but worried about your sexuality, and this marriage is a way to protect your identity?
>
No, but there might be something else there. Promiscuity was a real problem for me before I married and I was operating in a way that was very dangerous. In some ways, this marriage has saved me from that.
>
> Do you feel human in other respects?
Most of the time, no. I feel completely alien and other.
>>
>
>
Posted by jonquiljo on January 25, 2006, at 16:44:57
In reply to Re: What is wrong with me? » JenStar, posted by cricket on January 25, 2006, at 15:04:17
Well Cricket, I seem to be saying this alot today - but it sounds like you really have a lot to offer someone in a relationship. It seems sad to me that you're not getting what you deserve. Really sad.
It seems that there are a lot of women "settling" for a sub-standard spouse (generally a man). Now granted, relationships are not always what they are chalked-up to be, but don't you feel you deserve better?
Posted by JenStar on January 25, 2006, at 17:13:49
In reply to Re: What is wrong with me? » JenStar, posted by cricket on January 25, 2006, at 15:04:17
hi Cricket,
Was yours an arranged marriage or sorts, or did you choose him yourself? By marrying him, did that allow you to leave a bad situation (living at home with bad parents, etc.)I'm just trying to understand what YOU gain from this relationship. It sounds like HE gains a whole lot -- a person to provide for him financially and materially, a person to give him sex, a person who lets him have sex with other women, etc. And you yourself are prohibited from having a boyfriend, while he can have as many gf's as he wants. Man, this guy is living high!
Those things you mentioned -- wearing tight skirts at the game to show off, going out on drinking nights, stroking his ego -- those things are really not part of most marriages I know. At least in my cultural outlook and circle of friends, there is a lot of give and take and mutual respect in our marriages.
I don't want to sound like I'm picking on you for the choices you've made. I just really, really feel that you deserve more than this man is giving you. That might be hard for you too see, especially if it IS cultural in nature. And he might NEVER see it, if he's been brought up to think that treating a wife this way is OK.
I guess the thing is: What would make you happiest in the world? I mean, if you could custom-order a husband right now, what kind of qualities do you WANT? For example, would you WANT to have a hubby who loves you only, doesn't sleep around, treats you with respect, does things you want to do, etc.
Would you ever consider leaving this man? Forgive me for not seeing his good side, but it sounds like you might be better off without him?
JenStar
Posted by alexandra_k on January 25, 2006, at 17:44:40
In reply to Re: What is wrong with me? » JenStar, posted by cricket on January 25, 2006, at 15:04:17
> The parties... The baseball games... The stupid television shows...
I wouldn't do any of that crap either. I would rather go for a walk in the park, go see a film, go to the theatre, or a museum, or art gallery, read a book. Have conversations about those kinds of things.
Do you guys have anything in common?
>> And so maybe... You don't think that any other kind of relationship would be possible for you.
> Yeah I guess not. :-(
I think that will change in time. I do. But it won't be a change that anyone forces upon you. I think it will probably come as a growing realisation that you want more. In terms of an emotional connection with someone. In terms of a trusting relationship. Right now you probably don't think that that would ever be possible for you. That someone could really like and respect you for you. For your caring, gentle nature; for your interest in writing and stuff like that. But one day... As you start to have more liking and respect for yourself you might well start feeling a longing for something more. For someone to really connect with. Like how you are having friendships and connections on the boards and stuff. The same kind of thing but even deeper. Maybe... But I think it will take time.
> I guess what I hope will happen is that as I get better I will be able to find friendships that can offer me connections and interactions.
Yep.
> It's a bit hard even to imagine now though. Sex is the only way I know.But you are learning other ways. And thats going well :-) I guess I think of a relationship (like a marriage or whatever) as being... A deeper friendship. Kind of evolving out of that. But I know what you mean about sex. I went through that too. But then I started to realise that... I felt used a fair bit. And I don't want to do it that way anymore. Even if that means that I never end up with someone. Friendships are great :-) And as for anything more... Well... That can be a mixed blessing and maybe it will happen one day and maybe it won't.
> I guess that explains how I got into this relationship in the first place.
Yeah. Because you guys don't really have anything in common...
> I have all these horrifying statistics at work on AID/HIVS in various countries...
Er yeah, that was what I was getting at. I didn't want to say it in case I freaked you out but yeah. At the very least you are the mother of his child and your health is very important to him and his child given that you are financing his lifestyle etc...
> It is cultural for one thing. In some latin cultures, it is pretty much accepted that a man will have dual wives so to speak. One that bears the name and is sort of the official wife (that's me I guess - although I am the third in a series) and then there's the good time girlfriend. Both women usually bear his children. In old times, both women would be supported financially by the man. This is the way my husband was raised, this is the way his brothers, brothers-in-law live.
Yep. But he isn't financially supporting either you or his girlfriends. You are. So... Times are changing. But that being said... I think I do understand what you are saying. I mean... I think you have said that the financial thing is hard for him... Because of the tradition. I think someone else posted a while back (maybe on social) about her husband having a girlfriend and about how she didn't mind so long as he saved some loving for her. And lots of people do live like that. And they seem to be happy enough. And I think other people should be careful not to judge that. But when I think of you working so very hard to financially support him... And he spends money on his girlfriends no doubt, and takes them on holiday... Well when do you get to go on holiday? Either with him or by yourself? And I'm just worried about you I guess. That sometimes you feel like you are just slogging through life... And for what? And then thinking about... How maybe your son will grow up with a similar view on acceptable ways of treating / relating to women. I don't know...
> I definitely don't have boyfriends, and no that would not be permitted at all.What would he do about that?
> What am I getting from this marriage?
> Sex sometimes.
> Kind words.
> A caring, affectionate touch sometimes.I think you could get that from a lot of people... And people who would be prepared to invest as much into the relationship as you are. But I guess it will take time for you to come to really believe that. That you deserve more.
(((((Cricket)))))
Posted by Tamar on January 26, 2006, at 20:24:05
In reply to What is wrong with me?, posted by cricket on January 23, 2006, at 13:44:21
> My husband has had girlfiends for our entire relationship. He goes out almost every night. On the weekends it's usually late (around 4 am I think this weekend).
>
> Actually I think at times there may be more than one. I think he goes on vacations with them (or I guess one of them at a time).
>
> They call night and day. His cell phone is permanently planted on his ear.
>
> So why don't I care?I think it’s partly a cultural thing. You mentioned that in some latin cultures it’s accepted that men will be unfaithful. I think that’s true outside latin cultures as well. (Women aren’t usually allowed to be unfaithful though.)
> I do love him. I would never want anything bad to happen to him.
That’s a good thing, yes?
> I know this is supposed to bother me. But it doesn't.
Who says it’s supposed to bother you? It bothers some people. But it doesn’t bother everyone.
> What is wrong with me? Sometimes I wonder if I'm human.
It wouldn’t bother me either. In my case it’s because I’ve had a great deal of sex that was just animal sex and didn’t mean much emotionally, and I’ve had sex with several of my friends in a purely friendly way. So I know that people can connect sexually without being deeply intimate. Sometimes it’s a very superficial thing. And if my husband had sex with other women, I don’t think it could possibly be a threat to my marriage (unless he fell in love). Furthermore, I have seen my husband in bed with my best friend (long story, quite funny, but not for public boards…) and after that kind of experience I don’t think he could do anything to shock me!
You *are* human. And it sounds to me as if you usually feel that sex is more important than intimacy. That’s not a bad thing at all; many women go the other way and decide that intimacy is more important than sex. I suppose there are two obvious possibilities: either you are very sexually motivated, or you fear intimacy. Or perhaps it’s a bit of both. Or, of course, if could be something else entirely.
The fact that you’re posting about it intrigues me. Are you posting because you feel you’re weird, or because the idea of your husband’s girlfriends bothers you more than you’d like to admit? If it’s that you feel weird, I don’t think you’re alone. I know several women who don’t consider sexual fidelity necessary for a happy marriage. But if the existence of these other women is bothering you (e.g. if you’d like to be more intimate with your husband) then perhaps you need to think about how best to get him to stay faithful…
Sorry, that’s probably not much help…
Tamar
Posted by cricket on January 27, 2006, at 8:24:01
In reply to Re: What is wrong with me?, posted by jonquiljo on January 25, 2006, at 16:44:57
but don't you feel you deserve better?
>
Thanks again Jonquiljo for your support.I guess I need to imagine better first :-)
Posted by cricket on January 27, 2006, at 8:43:51
In reply to Re: What is wrong with me? » cricket, posted by JenStar on January 25, 2006, at 17:13:49
> hi Cricket,
> Was yours an arranged marriage or sorts, or did you choose him yourself? By marrying him, did that allow you to leave a bad situation (living at home with bad parents, etc.)
>
Well I chose him but I guess I was chosen primarily because he wanted to get visas for his family. And I was so young and desperately lonely that I was just happy to be chosen for whatever reason.> I'm just trying to understand what YOU gain from this relationship. It sounds like HE gains a whole lot -- a person to provide for him financially and materially, a person to give him sex, a person who lets him have sex with other women, etc. And you yourself are prohibited from having a boyfriend, while he can have as many gf's as he wants. Man, this guy is living high!
>
> Those things you mentioned -- wearing tight skirts at the game to show off, going out on drinking nights, stroking his ego -- those things are really not part of most marriages I know. At least in my cultural outlook and circle of friends, there is a lot of give and take and mutual respect in our marriages.
>
That's good to hear. I guess I will have to look around some more and watch other marriages. I do see a lot of bickering sometimes and even animosity. We don't have any of that.> I don't want to sound like I'm picking on you for the choices you've made. I just really, really feel that you deserve more than this man is giving you. That might be hard for you too see, especially if it IS cultural in nature. And he might NEVER see it, if he's been brought up to think that treating a wife this way is OK.
>
It's okay. I appreciate the prodding. I guess that's partly why I brought this up. I wanted to see how others saw this situation.> I guess the thing is: What would make you happiest in the world? I mean, if you could custom-order a husband right now, what kind of qualities do you WANT? For example, would you WANT to have a hubby who loves you only, doesn't sleep around, treats you with respect, does things you want to do, etc.
>
These are almost funny questions to me. I think that there is not enough me (far too fragmented) to be able to even ask myself these types of questions much less answer them.> Would you ever consider leaving this man? Forgive me for not seeing his good side, but it sounds like you might be better off without him?
>
No I would never leave him. Why hurt him like that?I do have fantasies though that one of his girlfriends will call up and say he's all mine and then I will say, okay so where can I drop his laundry off? :-)
> JenStar
>
Thans jenStar. I appreciate the different perspective. Maybe just thinking about this is a start.
>
>
>
Posted by cricket on January 27, 2006, at 9:05:31
In reply to Re: What is wrong with me? » cricket, posted by alexandra_k on January 25, 2006, at 17:44:40
> I wouldn't do any of that crap either. I would rather go for a walk in the park, go see a film, go to the theatre, or a museum, or art gallery, read a book. Have conversations about those kinds of things.
>
Yes, those sound like things I might like to do too.
> Do you guys have anything in common?
No, I haven't found anything so far. I think that both of us have retreated so far into our own worlds (mine on the inside, his on the outside) that we don't even try really.
>
>
> I think that will change in time. I do. But it won't be a change that anyone forces upon you. I think it will probably come as a growing realisation that you want more. In terms of an emotional connection with someone. In terms of a trusting relationship. Right now you probably don't think that that would ever be possible for you. That someone could really like and respect you for you. For your caring, gentle nature; for your interest in writing and stuff like that. But one day... As you start to have more liking and respect for yourself you might well start feeling a longing for something more. For someone to really connect with. Like how you are having friendships and connections on the boards and stuff. The same kind of thing but even deeper. Maybe... But I think it will take time.
>
Yes, maybe even just bringing up this subject is a start.I'm just worried about you I guess. That sometimes you feel like you are just slogging through life... And for what?
Yes, I feel like that a lot these days. It's funny when my husband wakes up he raises his arms and says thank you god for another day. I just think okay another day - how am I going to get through this one.
Once I asked why he said that thank you god stuff every day. He says well one day I am going to win the lottery so I just want to get on his good side in case it's today.
Sometimes I think I should tell him I am your lottery :-)
And then thinking about... How maybe your son will grow up with a similar view on acceptable ways of treating / relating to women. I don't know...
>
Yes, that is a concern. Actually I see some of it already. My son has a sense of entitlement that baffles me.> > I definitely don't have boyfriends, and no that would not be permitted at all.
>
> What would he do about that?
>
Yikes. I hate to think about that. He is a good man, but he acts on emotion to a great extent. Not much forethought.Thanks as always Alex.
Posted by cricket on January 27, 2006, at 9:23:09
In reply to Re: What is wrong with me? » cricket, posted by Tamar on January 26, 2006, at 20:24:05
Hi Tamar,
Good to hear from you.
> Who says it’s supposed to bother you? It bothers some people. But it doesn’t bother everyone.
>
That's good to hear.> It wouldn’t bother me either. In my case it’s because I’ve had a great deal of sex that was just animal sex and didn’t mean much emotionally, and I’ve had sex with several of my friends in a purely friendly way. So I know that people can connect sexually without being deeply intimate. Sometimes it’s a very superficial thing. And if my husband had sex with other women, I don’t think it could possibly be a threat to my marriage (unless he fell in love). Furthermore, I have seen my husband in bed with my best friend (long story, quite funny, but not for public boards…) and after that kind of experience I don’t think he could do anything to shock me!
>
Yes, I think it is the difference between intimacy and sex. I have never been intimate with my husband so sex is not tied to that. So maybe it doesn't seem like a big deal because it's just a bodily function.Now maybe if I ever had intimacy with him I might feel this as a much greater loss.
> You *are* human. And it sounds to me as if you usually feel that sex is more important than intimacy. That’s not a bad thing at all; many women go the other way and decide that intimacy is more important than sex. I suppose there are two obvious possibilities: either you are very sexually motivated, or you fear intimacy. Or perhaps it’s a bit of both. Or, of course, if could be something else entirely.
No I guess it's both. Sex I know and like. Intimacy I am afraid of and have never experienced but maybe intrigued by a bit and I know it's highly unlikely I will ever have it with my husband.
I guess maybe I hope for his sake that he does have it a bit with these other women but somehow I doubt it.
>
> The fact that you’re posting about it intrigues me. Are you posting because you feel you’re weird, or because the idea of your husband’s girlfriends bothers you more than you’d like to admit?Actually I guess I am posting becuase I had just finished reading "Wintering" by Kate Moses. It's the story of Sylvia Plath, primarily the last winter before her suicide.
Although it's fictionalized, I guess it's faithful to reality. What really struck me was how devastated Sylvia was by Ted's infidelity. Even taking into consideration her emotional instability. it seemed like this one act had the power to destroy her completely. I wanted to shake her and say "get over yourself, what is the big d*mn deal?"
I thought that in my case, I just don't have enough self even to know how this could hurt someone.
I'm glad you think that maybe I am not so completely defective as all that.
Posted by alexandra_k on January 27, 2006, at 17:39:28
In reply to Re: What is wrong with me? » Tamar, posted by cricket on January 27, 2006, at 9:23:09
Security.
I was starting to worry a bit about what I said before. Security... Means a great deal to me, and maybe... It means a great deal to you too.
He said he hoped you will still be with him when he is too old to have a girlfriend...
That means he wants to grow old with you. He won't leave you.
That counts for a lot. It does.
Because to really care about someone... To really have an emotional connection with someone...
I find that even caring is hard.
Because if you care...
Then they might not care.
And that will hurt :-(
And I'd probably feel like they can't possibly care about me at any rate :-(
And they'd probably leave
Or I'd be terrified that they'd leave.Security. I have been in a relationship that was around that. In that case... I was the one being financially supported etc. But there... The other person wanted intimacy too. And I realised... They were too much a parent figure for me. I knew they wouldn't leave me. But... They could tell I didn't really want to be so very intimate with them (and not sexually intimate) so they turned controlling. Not wanting me to go out and be with other people etc. Afraid... I was going to leave I guess.
And...
I did leave. I wanted more.
But I felt so very guilty about that :-(
And sometimes I think... It would be only too easy for me to end up with someone solely out of security. And in the end... I think I'd feel resentful. I don't know. But othertimes... I think something anything has gotta be better than this. And... I do do better with security. I do.
:-(
Posted by damos on January 27, 2006, at 20:38:03
In reply to What is wrong with me?, posted by cricket on January 23, 2006, at 13:44:21
Hey sweet Cricket :-)
Honestly I don't think there is anything wrong with you. And I don't think I can really add anything to what Alex, Tamar and others have said. All I know is that I think you are capable of finding and having what ever relationships you want in your life. I'm lucky enough to call you my friend and know thta you have a lot to offer on a lot of different levels.
I haven't exactly made great choices either and have put myself in situations that weren't good for me. So you continue to work on you and create in your life what you need and want for you.
((((((Cricket)))))
This is the end of the thread.
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