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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by wyatthaslakefever on December 21, 2005, at 21:57:10
hey all,
so i just had sex for the first time a few days ago. i'd been so scared to do it for so long but it was actually really great. the only hitch is, i feel really weird around my parents--i'm home for the holidays, i'm in my senior year of college. this woman is a lot older than i am (i'm 21, she's 42) and i am pretty sure this would be an issue even though my parents are 17 years apart themselves. i don't want to tell them--they're fine with the gay thing, by the way--but i feel like there's this divide between us since i cannot tell them. i'm worried they'd be dissapointed or grossed out or something. even though they always say they'll love me no matter what--and i believe this--i am scared.
it's so hard, especially because this is my last year of school and i'll have to go out into the real world. i'm terrified enough as it is; this is just an added stressor.
thing is, this woman is so sweet and caring and nice, etc. etc. and i really love her and i'm so glad we did what we did. i am feeling REALLY guilty about the age difference though, like i'm a freak and did something wrong and that everyone will think so. what will i tell my kids when they ask me about my first time? how will i calm their fears? how can i still hug my father knowing what i've done? part of me KNOWS it's not a bad thing, that it's a natural thing, that it felt NORMAL for a REASON, but the other part of my brain is screaming at me. part of it is obsessional thought, which i unfortunately am prone to... part of it is straight-up guilt.
this feels so great to get out. i feel better already. my friends have been helpful but i have a feeling you folks will be even more so.
thanks so much. i'm really struggling here.
wyatt
Posted by Declan on December 22, 2005, at 21:14:26
In reply to 1st time-worries/concerns--*homophobes, don't read, posted by wyatthaslakefever on December 21, 2005, at 21:57:10
So you're a gay 21yo female, that would be right? Otherwise......
Anyway the way you feel seems what you'd expect, except I think it's lovely that you've met someone who is sweet and caring and nice who you really love. That's what's important. You're going to worry about the age difference, but what's that add up to really? It's nice that your first experience was a good one.
Declan
Posted by caraher on December 22, 2005, at 23:40:27
In reply to 1st time-worries/concerns--*homophobes, don't read, posted by wyatthaslakefever on December 21, 2005, at 21:57:10
I wouldn't worry about what to tell your children. First, that sounds like a long way off and second, I doubt it would even occur to your son or daughter to press you for the age difference between you and your first partner, so unless you choose to bring it up it shouldn't be a factor at all.
I think a negative "outsider's" reaction to a big age difference would more likely be directed against the elder partner.
In any case your father wants to hug you. I'm sure you've done things that are genuinely wrong, yet you can hug him anyway. Here, as you say, you've done nothing horrible; and even if you had his love should still be there for you. Don't push that away out of shame, "deserved" or not!
Posted by happyflower on December 23, 2005, at 4:18:08
In reply to 1st time-worries/concerns--*homophobes, don't read, posted by wyatthaslakefever on December 21, 2005, at 21:57:10
Well first of all, you are an adult, and what you do behind closed doors is your business. I am not gay, but when I was your age, what I did, my parents wouldn't of even wanted to know, nor did I think it was any of their business.
You say that your parents are okay with the gay thing, well do they honesty think that you are going to stay a virgin all your life? If this realationship developes into something more in your life, it still isn't anyone business what you do in the bedroom.
You have done nothing wrong, are their circumstances that led up to the "encounter" that is making you feel gulity? Is this someone you know well?
As far as your kids, I don't know any kids who really want or ask about their parents "first time". Most would rather not know.
Are you at comfortable with your lifestyle? Have you accepted it? It seems like you are viewing on what you are doing as being something really wrong. Thats what I am mostly concerned about.
As far as the age difference my and my DH is 23 years apart, we had mostly a happy marriage for at least 11 of the 12 years. But the age thing never really matter to either of us, it seemed to only mattered to judgemental people, who I didn't care to associate with anyways.
I say, do what you are comfortable with, keep your sex life private, and be happy with the good feelings. :)
Posted by Tamar on December 23, 2005, at 19:33:32
In reply to 1st time-worries/concerns--*homophobes, don't read, posted by wyatthaslakefever on December 21, 2005, at 21:57:10
Yeah, I can imagine it feels a little strange to you, particularly if you’re quite a close family and you’re used to sharing things with your parents.
On the one hand, you’ve had this wonderful experience that was significant and meaningful, and maybe you feel a little different than before; perhaps it has changed you somehow. But on the other hand, it doesn’t feel right to tell absolutely everyone about it in intimate detail…
I don’t think many people discuss sex with their parents. I didn’t tell my parents when I had sex for the first time. In fact, the only reason they know I’ve had sex is because I have three kids!
If you feel a bit uncomfortable about keeping things from your parents, maybe you could tell them you’ve met someone, and leave it at that. You could say that you don’t want to talk much about it until you know where the relationship is going… I doubt they would *expect* you to tell them about your sex life. I’m pretty sure most sensible parents respect their children’s privacy.
As for the age difference… If you’re sure that *you* are comfortable with it, then that’s the most important thing. There’s nothing inherently wrong with age differences. And I agree with Happyflower: most kids don’t want to know about their parents’ first times!
And about hugging your father… I think I’d say that you can hug him because he brought you up to be the adult you now are: to live independently and make your own decisions. You are already living in the real world and you’ve left childhood behind you. Can you imagine feeling proud of your capacity to enjoy your sexuality?
Posted by jonquiljo on December 23, 2005, at 20:47:12
In reply to Re: 1st time-worries/concerns--*homophobes, don't read » wyatthaslakefever, posted by Tamar on December 23, 2005, at 19:33:32
Follow your heart - the rest follows from there. Age doesn't mean a whole lot - certainly there is only 20 years between you. Thats not a whole lot of difference.
Parents and sex don't mix - with their kids, that is. Personally I'd leave them out of it. They can be so over protective that they cant see the reality in things. I never told my parents about anything. Now I'm much older, and wouldn't trust anyone my age.
I'm glad you found someone to share with. I hope things work out.
Posted by wyatthaslakefever on December 23, 2005, at 21:28:24
In reply to Re: 1st time-worries/concerns--*homophobes, don't, posted by jonquiljo on December 23, 2005, at 20:47:12
Thank you so so so much, all of you who responded.
You are so sweet and the things you've said make a lot of sense.As for me and my... whateveryacallher... we've decided to keep it friendly, that it's better for both of us. she brought it up--the age thing is an issue she is a bit uncomfortable with and thinks it is probably better to be platonic. it's hard, but i agree in the long run. the pressure is off, in a way.
Thanks again, folks. Thanks, thanks, thanks.
This is the end of the thread.
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