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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by ClearSkies on November 28, 2005, at 20:49:47
My mum is in town. Sigh. Talking with her is like finding your way through a dense fog. Nothing is as it seems, nothing is clear. I'm really not certain what we are talking about. Then she says later how good it's been for us to speak so frankly.
Huh?
You know, I don't think it's about being polite or correct. I think it's about her not being able to address any significant issue with forthrightness, and worse, with any honesty. Her sister's husband died on Thanksgiving eve, and my mom talked herself out of attending the funeral, saying that her sister had her kids with her (well, most of them, it was tough finding flights), and that her presence wasn't needed.
Encore; huh?
My mom has spent her entire life hiding from the people she says she loves, then saying how many things she regrets in life. Sometimes I find it really sad, but right now I'm angry about the love she's withheld from me.
Sigh. It's been a tough Thanksgiving.
Posted by sunny10 on November 29, 2005, at 8:04:20
In reply to bittersweet *trigger*, posted by ClearSkies on November 28, 2005, at 20:49:47
perhaps your mother is just setting boundaries of her own.
I, too, am accused of hiding from certain members of my family. And I do it because they break my spirit down every time I see them and I have decided that I do not need that kind of attitude in my life because it hurts too much coming from those that I love.
Maybe your mom isn't good at showing her love or being forthright because what others have shown her is that love and honesty are "tough love" and "brutal honesty" and she doesn't want you to have to put up with the hurt they cause. It may be the only "love" she knows how to show, but she refuses to hurt you, so what you feel is withheld love.
Is it at all possible? And if so, does knowing this help you hurt less?
Just thought I'd offer my .02 as an ogre myself...
Posted by annierose on November 29, 2005, at 13:57:16
In reply to bittersweet *trigger*, posted by ClearSkies on November 28, 2005, at 20:49:47
Boy do I understand that feeling! Maybe our mothers can meet and pretend to be friends and pretend to have a relationship.
I'm sorry. I do know how much it hurts to have a mother totally unconnected mother to a real life with real feelings. My husband just told me that it's more important to my mom to keep up appearances that she is wonderful and happy, than to actually have any sort of direct or meaningful conversation or relationship.
Not to one-up your mom, but my mother didn't even attend her only brother's (only sibling) funeral for similar reasons. Bottom line, she couldn't be bothered.
I think this kind of mother stuff is hard to sort through. We keep thinking if only we were different, nicer, prettier, smarter ... maybe then our mothers would notice us. But CS, it's not us. Our mothers have very limited emotional resources. So hard for us to digest.
I keep thinking she'll change. Now I'm beginning to understand she never will. She'll never be able to love me as I needed her to all those years ago.
I'm sorry you had such a tough Thanksgiving. It's such a bad idea anyway, getting all these dysfunctional families together over a fancy meal!
Posted by ClearSkies on November 29, 2005, at 18:03:25
In reply to Re: bittersweet *trigger* » ClearSkies, posted by annierose on November 29, 2005, at 13:57:16
(((annierose))) Yes our mums could start their own fan club.
I wish I didn't want her to love me, but I still do.
I wish I didn't want her to be interested in my life, but I still do.
The apathy is the cruelest thing of all.And - Sunny10 - I'm sorry, but you have my mum figured all wrong. She hasn't ever been the receiver or the giver of Tough Love. Only indifference.
OK, I'm done whining now. It's over for this year.
Posted by gardenergirl on November 29, 2005, at 22:03:44
In reply to Re: bittersweet *trigger*, posted by ClearSkies on November 29, 2005, at 18:03:25
Posted by sunny10 on November 30, 2005, at 7:48:44
In reply to Re: bittersweet *trigger*, posted by ClearSkies on November 29, 2005, at 18:03:25
sorry, ClearSkies... trying to give benefit of the doubt...
I'm sorry that you're hurting.
Posted by ClearSkies on December 2, 2005, at 18:42:15
In reply to Re: bittersweet *trigger* » ClearSkies, posted by sunny10 on November 30, 2005, at 7:48:44
...and I feel much better. At least with my mum safely sent back home I can control our communication better - limited phone calls.
I appreciate being able to vent here.
CS
Posted by annierose on December 4, 2005, at 6:22:02
In reply to Just 2 days of Down Time, posted by ClearSkies on December 2, 2005, at 18:42:15
It does feel good when your space becomes your own again, and one can feel comfortable being themselves. At least she did come to visit, and stayed with you. That says "something".
Does she come often? I don't think I could ever host my parents as house guests, and I don't think they ever would want to stay with me either, so it will never happen.
Posted by ClearSkies on December 4, 2005, at 19:11:12
In reply to Re: Just 2 days of Down Time » ClearSkies, posted by annierose on December 4, 2005, at 6:22:02
> Does she come often? I don't think I could ever host my parents as house guests, and I don't think they ever would want to stay with me either, so it will never happen.
It was twice this year, and I was up to see her once in the summer. Each time was a major trigger for me. I'm going to have to try to keep our "visits" on neutral ground if I'm going to be able to tolerate it any more.
This is the end of the thread.
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