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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by alesta on November 9, 2005, at 10:44:53
caution: this is like a totally downer, dry post.
i have so much anger boiling up inside me right now concerning my abusive boyfriend...i know i've asked for advice in multiple threads...so i'm just gonna post this to get some more fun emotions off my chest.
all of a sudden all this anger is surfacing..maybe it's a healing process..the process to restoring my sanity. i can't stand the untruths that he tells me that make me feel bad about myself. i hate him. there i said it. it is not his fault, but i still am going to allow myself to hate him, and the way he humiliates me and ruins my day and twists my mind around and gives me a headache and stresses me and confuses me and puts the blame on me and makes me feel like i'm losing my mind.
i broke up with him yesterday and then got back together again. i need more self-control but don't have it at this time. i might be out of the shelter sooner than i thought (recently back in contact with my long lost father who is going to help me get another car, maybe get a place, etc.), so that will be ideal for helping me to break away.
i'm hoping if i can distance from him i can restore myself soon...i think i have PTSD, but have had it in response to my mother and it can last as little as a few days (if the exposure to her wasn't too extensive, and if i make sure to vent my feelings). i feel myself healing already. if i don't talk about my feelings, the PTSD doesn't heal nearly as fast...
i can't wait til i can move on from this sh$t..man i really feel like cussing up a storm...i have been saying the f word more lately...which is uncharacteristic..
thank u for reading if you made it through. really, i appreciate it.:) aim:)
Posted by alesta on November 9, 2005, at 11:06:33
In reply to just venting...no need to reply ukay:), posted by alesta on November 9, 2005, at 10:44:53
Is it getting better?
Or do you feel the same?
Will it make it easier on you now?
You got someone to blame
You sayOne love
One life
When it's one need
In the night
One love
We get to share it
Leaves you baby if you
Don't care for itDid I disappoint you?
Or leave a bad taste in your mouth?
You act like you never had love
And you want me to go without
Well it'sToo late
Tonight
To drag the past out into the light
We're one, but we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other
OneHave you come here for forgiveness?
Have you come to raise the dead?
Have you come here to play Jesus?
To the lepers in your headDid I ask too much?
More than a lot.
You gave me nothing,
Now it's all I got
We're one
But we're not the same
Well we
Hurt each other
Then we do it again
You say
Love is a temple
Love a higher law
Love is a temple
Love the higher law
You ask me to enter
But then you make me crawl
And I can't be holding on
To what you got
When all you got is hurtOne love
One blood
One life
You got to do what you should
One life
With each other
Sisters
Brothers
One life
But we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each otherOne
One
Posted by Tamar on November 9, 2005, at 19:20:02
In reply to just venting...no need to reply ukay:), posted by alesta on November 9, 2005, at 10:44:53
Gosh, I’m not surprised you’re angry and confused. You have a lot going on right now. I was curious about a couple of things…
You said:
> it is not his fault
and:
> he humiliates me
So I’m wondering: if it’s not his fault, whose fault is it? Is it *your* fault he humiliates you? I don’t think so…
The other thing I wondered about was where you said:
> i broke up with him yesterday and then got back together again. i need more self-control
You know, the word self-control wasn’t the word I was expecting to see there. Self-esteem, maybe. Or self-love. But there’s something about the word self-control… I get the impression that you feel out of control with the situation. And that’s natural in the circumstances. But it sounds as if you’re being very hard on yourself about it.
I think it’s common for women in abusive relationships to feel very confused about what they want. And no doubt there are things about this man you find very appealing, or you simply wouldn’t go back to him.
Do you believe it is possible to find those appealing qualities in a man who is nice to you?
Tamar
Posted by alesta on November 10, 2005, at 9:37:03
In reply to Re: just venting...no need to reply ukay:) » alesta, posted by Tamar on November 9, 2005, at 19:20:02
> Gosh, I’m not surprised you’re angry and confused. You have a lot going on right now. I was curious about a couple of things…
>
> You said:
>
> > it is not his fault
>
> and:
>
> > he humiliates me
>
> So I’m wondering: if it’s not his fault, whose fault is it? Is it *your* fault he humiliates you? I don’t think so…
>
> The other thing I wondered about was where you said:
>
> > i broke up with him yesterday and then got back together again. i need more self-control
>
> You know, the word self-control wasn’t the word I was expecting to see there. Self-esteem, maybe. Or self-love. But there’s something about the word self-control… I get the impression that you feel out of control with the situation. And that’s natural in the circumstances. But it sounds as if you’re being very hard on yourself about it.
>
> I think it’s common for women in abusive relationships to feel very confused about what they want. And no doubt there are things about this man you find very appealing, or you simply wouldn’t go back to him.
>
> Do you believe it is possible to find those appealing qualities in a man who is nice to you?
>
> Tamar
>
>
>tamar thank u for your reply! you make some good points...i'm collecting all this advice on these boards for when i'm ready to face this stuff...i get traumatized just thinking about this relationship at this point. my self-esteem is pretty shattered currently, you are right.
yes, something about him does a appeal to me. not sure what..maybe i don't want to be alone...he has a way of creating this big empty space when he's not there....and he can be....trying to think here...what does he do for me...he can be fun sometimes. tells me i'm beautiful a lot. (although he makes me feel objectified..doesn't compliment other stuff.)makes me feel secure and protected (god only knows why). and i like the way he touches me, and looks at me, sometimes. although most of the time he is jabbing mentally at me. man, why did i have to start thinking about him..sh#t. he makes me feel like the center of his universe, and like a belong to someone...he, in his twisted way, loves me. he is all i have. that's a biggie. i'm sure there's more. i don't know the real reason i can't leave right now...but i know i could find it elsewhere and more. i'm not sure i am all that in love with this guy. oh man. i think it will actually be easy once i'm out of here. i hope. thanks tamar for taking the time to read/analyze that.:-)
i'm gonna put him out of my mind for a while...ugh!
amy:)
Posted by alesta on November 10, 2005, at 10:49:01
In reply to Re: just venting...no need to reply ukay:) » Tamar, posted by alesta on November 10, 2005, at 9:37:03
<he is all i have. that's a biggie.
i was thinking about this statement...if i could fix the problem of making a guy the center of my universe it would no doubt help. i do 'socialize' a lot when around ppl, but really am an introvert at heart and prefer to focus my affections/attention on very few ppl. maybe i should work with this...acquire a couple good friendships. but they are hard to find or i am uninterested for some reason. maybe cause they cut into my thinking time (or in a few cases perhaps i am afraid i will become possessive of them - usually i feel that way about online friendships for some weird reason). i turn down invitations to hang out with ppl or start up friendships. god, i'm such an isolationist lol. oh well..that's who i am. but maybe itf i will try and develop some close friendships..when my life is straightened out. sorry to talk your ear off. ok i'm done brainstorming about this thank god..:)..aim (that was my last self-absorbed post for a while i hope.) have a fantastic day!...
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