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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by ClearSkies on November 6, 2005, at 22:14:28
She is 23 years old. She graduated from college in August, and we offered her free room and board so she could find a job, pay off student debts, and save up to find a place to live by January.
None of this has happened as she said it would. She went on 4 job interviews, and followed up on none of them. She went from reading the classified ads to not een openeing the pages. She asked my usband and I to find contacts of people we know who might need work; but she called none of them. She got a job doing the same thing she did during college - tending bar, part time. So no benefits, a low income, and partying hours. She is happy at this job. The people are cool and she can party all night because her latest shift ends at 7pm.
She has not paid off any debts. Her cellphone rings several times a day with calls from debt collectors, and she does not answer them. She pays her cellphone bill, and car insurance.
She has no plans for living arrangements. She has not been honest in what she told us the prospective arrangements might be. One person she has not contacted for 3 months, and another is vague about where they might live and when it might happen. It was revealed last night that who she really wants to live with is her boyfriend. She did not tell us about this plan because she knows her father disapproves of this arrangement. (The boyfriend has a good job but is supplementing his income heavily with dealing drugs. The BF says if he gets caught that the stepdaughter can do the jail time since he has a "real" job and she is just a part time bartender.
I had a pretty serious meltdown with her on Saturday night. As each of these issues has been uncovered (and they have been uncovered because she tells us nothing, just eats the food we buy, goes into her room, smokes drugs and calls her BF. So we find things out from pieces of mail that come to the house, by the new dents that appear on the car we gave her (my old Toyota), the vague answers she gives about her housing prospects.
I challenged her on being dishonest. That she did not intend to pursue a career and find a job, even entry level, that would provide important benefits like health care and a saving plan. She strung us along for a month and a half. Circled ads in the newspaper and didn't call on them. The job interviews. The 3 job offers she got that she didn't return phone calls to pursue the jobs. She snowed us on that one.
She's working a job that does not meet her financial needs. Her wages and tips pay for her immediate needs: cellphone, car insurance, and drugs. No attempt at student debt settlement. She did not bother to pick up her last paycheck from the restaurant she worked at college. She hasn't filed her taxes for the past year, even though it appears that she's owed money. She hasn't the means to save up for her future place of living: first and last months' rent, and security deposit.
She doesn't answer any questions about these subjects.So I called her on it. I asked her why she couldn't tell us what was really going on. That she is supposed to be leaving in January and she has no plans or means to do so. That she doesn't answer questions when asked directly, but replies with vague possibilities that when you ask for elaborations, are house of cards with no foundation in fact.
Having someone live in my house who is dishonest and not forthcoming is anathema to me. I lived with gross betrayal and lies for 18 years with my first husband. Always finding out what sh*t had hit the fan when the calls would come on the phone and I'd get to answer it before he would. Or I would get home a bit earlier than he and found the court suppeonas before he could grab and hide them in the sock drawer.
I called her a liar, and I called her a freeloader. I have never confronted her on any of these issues before. I discuss them with her father, my husband, who promises to speak to her, but never has because she starts to cry when he speaks.
She said, "I hate liiving here". I said, "I hate having you live here", and I left the room.
She is gone on a visit to her sister cross country for 4 days. She told her dad she is moving out as soon as she returns as she no longer feels welcome here.My husband wants me to tell her that I love her, that I want the best for her. These are true, but I am too angry to say these things.
I feel that I handled this all wrong yet thought that in asking her father to address them that at least it would be known that they are going concerns, He has not had any conversatons with her about any of the issues, so I am angry at him too.
He wants me to be happy. He wants ne to have a healthy relationship with his children. I feel that we have been taken for a ride for the last 3 months, that his daughter has been able to continue her non-committal party-har way of life with Dad and Step Mom footing most the bills. It makes me seethe,
What can I say to her without falling apart myself? Do I let all the issues that I feel so strongly about just sink back into their shadows and say they are no concern of ours, as she is a grown woman? Do I support my husband who says he wants to help his children in whatever way he can?
Very muddled.
Posted by happyflower on November 7, 2005, at 4:18:07
In reply to My step daughter lives with us, posted by ClearSkies on November 6, 2005, at 22:14:28
You have every right to be frusterated with your SD. She is disrespecting you and your DH and your DH isn't supporting you either. I would be p@ssed off too.
I have 3 stepkids, thank goodness they don't live with us. The youngest is now in college. I love them so much, but the values they have learned, made them so ugly growing up. Now the they are mostly on their own, we have a much better relationship with them.
You DH isn't handling this, and it is his job to deal with her. She uses her tears to get her way. Just look now, your DH wants you to tell her you love her. Why doesn't he tell her to straighten up her act, and appoloize for being a freeloader. Things probably won't change unless your DH takes a stand on this. There is a great stepfamily support group steptogether.org, which might be helpful for you . Good luck, it isn't easy being a stepmom. How long have you been married?
Posted by ClearSkies on November 7, 2005, at 6:18:42
In reply to Re: My step daughter lives with us, posted by happyflower on November 7, 2005, at 4:18:07
We've been married 3 years. I am going to look at that site, thanks for posting it HF!
ClearSkies
Posted by Jen Star on November 7, 2005, at 11:13:01
In reply to My step daughter lives with us, posted by ClearSkies on November 6, 2005, at 22:14:28
oh my,
what a situation! ((Clearskies))Actually, I think you did the *right* thing in telling her straight out what you feel -- that you feel she's freeloading, you feel she's dishonest, and you feel that she's not making reasonable plans for the future.
It's possible that the WAY you confronted her was not the most successful, but those things needed to be said! :) At the very least, it will give her something to think about, and will let her know that you're "onto" her (although I'm sure she's suspected this and been worried about it from the start...)
For future discussions, I think that any message to her will be best received if it can be given by you and your husband together at the same time. Maybe over dinner at a restaurant, or at a time when you three are together JUST to discuss her future with her.
Would it be possible to plan an "intervention" with him, and discuss the ways you'll confront her? If you two have a solid gameplan together, and are unified in your decisions, it may be easier to discuss it with her.
The two of you might find out that you have some serious differences of opinion and plan. For example, it's possible that he doesn't MIND that she stays here indefinitely, even if he tells YOU otherwise at times, and even means it -- as her father, he's probably a bit blind to her faults, and wants to protect her. So he might be saying one thing, and doing another -- not out of a desire to fool you, but out of a subconscious effort to "take care of his baby."
Maybe the two of you could make a plan, and write it down. Then meet with her and get her agreement on it, and make any necessary changes. She will stay XX more months, and she will have to provide YY $$ to help with rent/food/etc.
OR, if she does not pay rent/food/etc, she will have to show you a monthly bank statement proving that she's saving the $$ that would otherwise have gone to rent/food/etc. She should have her share of chorses around the house, just as you & hubby do -- that's only fair when you're living in someone else's home. Perhaps yard work, laundry, cooking nights?
She will not do ANY drugs, MJ or otherwise, in the home, because that's illegal and you will not tolerate illegal activities in the home. Period. She will be kicked out on her a** if she does it again, or you will call the cops on her. (Hubby might not like this one, tho...)
I can totally sympathize with you. It's hard having a grown woman, esp. a willful one and a daddy's girl, living with you and taking advantage of you. I hope things work out! Please keep us updated!
JenStar
PS - I think you're doing the right thing by confronting her, and it's OK to make her plan!
Posted by sal0805 on November 8, 2005, at 13:43:26
In reply to My step daughter lives with us, posted by ClearSkies on November 6, 2005, at 22:14:28
I think you have handled this very responsibly and under the circumstances, with tact. You love your husband and naturally that would mean wanting to love your SD too. However, I guess respect needs to be earned. I dont quite know how you might let the issues sink into the shadows and support your husband at the same time. Not an easy balance. I wish I could offer some sound advice.
One thing that touched me was that her father does not take it 'further' with her as she starts crying. I am going through something similar with my SD. She has her father wrapped around every possible finger and toe. She can do no wrong. If, (a really big if) her father should try to reprimand her, she throws herself into his arms sobbing that she loves him!
My son is constantly in trouble because of her and her attitude, even when he is just absolutely not at fault. She is spoilt, has an attitude of a divah and the emotional ways of a very clever lady!She is 4 years old.
Sabrina
Posted by ClearSkies on November 8, 2005, at 20:48:15
In reply to Re: My step daughter lives with us » ClearSkies, posted by sal0805 on November 8, 2005, at 13:43:26
I did have an ah-ha! moment today when I realized that when I was pouring my rage onto my step daughter that I was really pouring it onto my husband.
Now I am trying to disengage myself. I feel badly that this was sprung on her all in one go. it's been building up in me since August, but has had nowhere to go, as it had a dead end being communicated to her dad.
I am not worried about her behaviour - that is something she has to deal with in her own time, when she is ready, if ever. I also have confidence that my husband and I can make this journey together. I know he "gets it", even if he isn't acting upon it right now.
What a weird day it's been.
CS
Posted by ClearSkies on November 13, 2005, at 15:16:35
In reply to Re: My step daughter lives with us » sal0805, posted by ClearSkies on November 8, 2005, at 20:48:15
Sorry for being so very mean to her. I told her I couldn't take back what I said, but my anger was totally misdirected. It's her dad my issue is really with.
Hole is patched, plastered and sandpapered.
CS
Posted by sal0805 on November 14, 2005, at 12:06:01
In reply to I did tell her I'm sorry, posted by ClearSkies on November 13, 2005, at 15:16:35
Wow - that must have taken a great deal of 'putting your pride in your pocket'. Well done CS. Saying sorry is never easy, no matter what the circumstances are.
Were you really all that mean to her?? I feel a lot of what you said was total honesty, even if your anger was misdirected.
Whatever ..... what you did was special and it takes a very special person to say sorry, especially under such (and any, for that matter) emotional circumstances.
Am so proud of you.
S
Posted by Jen Star on November 14, 2005, at 18:33:34
In reply to I did tell her I'm sorry, posted by ClearSkies on November 13, 2005, at 15:16:35
Are you sure that deep inside you really are NOT sorry, and are only apologizing b/c you know it's the easist way to smooth things over...sort of akin to "giving up" on the situation?
From what you described, she really DID need someone to set her straight. And you really WERE annoyed with her behavior.
I'm sorry if my question is presumptuous or awful. But I'm concerned that maybe you're so eager to get back to the "safe" ground of getting along, that maybe you're repressing your anger and frustration and pretending to her that it's all OK, when really it isn't.
Any thoughts? Am I totally off base? I'm sorry if I am. And if things are better, I really AM glad for you! :)
JenStar
Posted by ClearSkies on November 14, 2005, at 18:49:10
In reply to Re: I did tell her I'm sorry » ClearSkies, posted by Jen Star on November 14, 2005, at 18:33:34
Well, it's very strange for me to be so mean to someone else (really, guys). And I think the upset I caused *myself* in lashing out at her needed to be smoothed. So that's done.
But I was very clear with her that my words stand; and what I said, I meant. I just wish I hadn't been so mean spirited about it. My T and I are in the middle of talking about the anger this has touched off in me. It feels toxic to me.
Posted by ClearSkies on December 7, 2005, at 15:23:14
In reply to I did tell her I'm sorry, posted by ClearSkies on November 13, 2005, at 15:16:35
> Sorry for being so very mean to her. I told her I couldn't take back what I said, but my anger was totally misdirected. It's her dad my issue is really with.
> Hole is patched, plastered and sandpapered.
> CS
She starts a temporary job, full time, in her field of study, starting January 2nd.
Although I do not expect to ever get any recognition for this, I *know* that my actions resulted in my DIL being more open to opportunities. 2 weeks after she left our home, she had interviewed and accepted this position.
I can sleep more rested now.
CS
Posted by annierose on December 10, 2005, at 21:30:51
In reply to Followup to DIL story, posted by ClearSkies on December 7, 2005, at 15:23:14
Sounds promising. It's tough growing up. She's lucky to have you (even though she doesn't feel that way right now). I hope the job works out. If she begins feeling successful at her job, it could bring about more positive changes ... you can always hope!
This is the end of the thread.
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