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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by AdaGrace on October 31, 2005, at 6:52:17
After a lovely (sarcastic tone dripping from my mouth) day of shopping and eating out with the family, I announced that I was going to take a day off this week and go shopping for our daughter's birthday coming up.
My husband said, "Take a day off? A day off from what?"
In case I need to clarify, I am not working anymore., I lost my job over a month ago due to my place of employment going out of business. Even though I realize that I have a financial burden to bear, I am receiving unemployment. This covers most of the same bills I was paying before, there just isn't any extra. I had already decided that I was going to take a few months off before I went back to work. I've worked very hard all my life, often 50+ hours a week for 20 years, and tried to raise three kids and keep a home clean and kept up. Even though I am not working, I have been busy every day since this happened. There have been many maintenance jobs that my husband could have done, but didn't, that I have done. I have deep cleaned almost every room in the house. Etc. Etc. During this time I have also been helping renovate my Dad's rental house, including painting the outside. Now, yes, there have been maybe 3 or 4 days in which I did not do anything. Did not go out of the house, did not do any cleaning, did not cook. Just layed around and cried. But I think my average of 4 days out of 6 weeks is pretty good.
Was that a fair thing for my husband to say? Or am I just crazy as usual like he said, and took it the wrong way?
Posted by gardenergirl on October 31, 2005, at 7:05:48
In reply to He Said, She Said, posted by AdaGrace on October 31, 2005, at 6:52:17
AdaGrace,
I think it was an insensitive thing to say. My hubby said something similar to me once, when I said I was a bit envious about someone taking a part-time versus full-time job. He said it would be nice if *I* had a part-time job. Um, grad school is already a full-time job, bucko.Sometimes they are just clueless. I've read how much you've accomplished in your time off work, and you deserve a break. Enjoy your day off.
gg
Posted by AdaGrace on October 31, 2005, at 7:17:40
In reply to He Said, She Said, posted by AdaGrace on October 31, 2005, at 6:52:17
I mean really, how can I be happy with someone who doesn't respect me. I've felt no respect from him for many many years, and as a result of that, my children don't respect me either.
As I was getting ready for our little family outing yesterday, I reached for my tube of face cleaner (purchased a week ago for $30, to be used only once a week, for reducing wrinkles and blemishes) and realized it was gone. I asked my older daughter if she had seen it, and she said, "yeah, I used it because I didn't have anything to wash my face with" I have several face cleaners, many which she can use, only one $30 tube for older skin. I found it in her shower, almost completely empty. This is just another instance in a long 5 year battle with her taking my things, not returning them, and using them up. Shampoo, razor, razor blades, make-up, etc. She can't just come to me and say, Mom, I'm out of such-and-such. She just takes mine.
My husband's answer to this is, "I don't understand how a tube of face cleaner can cost $30, but I'll buy you another one if it will make you happy." In other words, if you will shut up about it.
Now see, instead of him talking to his daughter about respecting other people's property, he wanted to just solve it as quickly as possible. Yet not really solve it.
I said, "I think the fact that this has been going on for 5 years now, and we have had this conversation many many times, and I have instructed her to not used my good makeup before asking me, is much more important than the fact that it cost $30. A girl of 15 shouldn't be using "microderm abrasion" on her skin, and especially not a handful at a time. This tube should have lasted me 4+ months. If she had of asked me if she could use it, I would have told her why she couldn't, but I would have seen to it that she had something else to use.
My solution to the situation is that she is going to call the woman up that I purchased it from, explain the situation, and she is going to buy me another tube. I think the humiliation of having to call this woman and admit what she has done, might just stop her, but I don't know. IT's like a behavior pattern of all my kids and there is no respect.
I said, "I receive no respect from anyone in this car. None."
Posted by gardenergirl on October 31, 2005, at 23:03:54
In reply to Re: How can I Be Happy, posted by AdaGrace on October 31, 2005, at 7:17:40
That sounds really really frustrating and hurtful. I wish I had an answer for you. I'm not a parent, so I can't really speak from any experience in that role. I suspect that it's way harder when the two parents are at cross purposes when trying to set limits and boundaries.
I'm sorry it's such a struggle.
(((AdaGrace)))
gg
Posted by Declan on November 1, 2005, at 15:29:58
In reply to He Said, She Said, posted by AdaGrace on October 31, 2005, at 6:52:17
Hey Ada Grace, I have a 15 yo daughter too. They're special creatures and come from another planet, Neptune maybe, ours anyway, and anyone with one deserves compassionate leave ASAP.
Declan
Posted by alesta on November 2, 2005, at 12:49:06
In reply to He Said, She Said, posted by AdaGrace on October 31, 2005, at 6:52:17
> After a lovely (sarcastic tone dripping from my mouth) day of shopping and eating out with the family, I announced that I was going to take a day off this week and go shopping for our daughter's birthday coming up.
>
> My husband said, "Take a day off? A day off from what?"
>
> In case I need to clarify, I am not working anymore., I lost my job over a month ago due to my place of employment going out of business. Even though I realize that I have a financial burden to bear, I am receiving unemployment. This covers most of the same bills I was paying before, there just isn't any extra. I had already decided that I was going to take a few months off before I went back to work. I've worked very hard all my life, often 50+ hours a week for 20 years, and tried to raise three kids and keep a home clean and kept up. Even though I am not working, I have been busy every day since this happened. There have been many maintenance jobs that my husband could have done, but didn't, that I have done. I have deep cleaned almost every room in the house. Etc. Etc. During this time I have also been helping renovate my Dad's rental house, including painting the outside. Now, yes, there have been maybe 3 or 4 days in which I did not do anything. Did not go out of the house, did not do any cleaning, did not cook. Just layed around and cried. But I think my average of 4 days out of 6 weeks is pretty good.
>
> Was that a fair thing for my husband to say? Or am I just crazy as usual like he said, and took it the wrong way?boy, that seems insensitive of him to say, AG! i'm sorry.:) i hope he gives you more credit for what you do ITF. also, i know you have teenage(?) kids..i remember reading one of your posts where you talked about how you did their laundry and cleaned up after them, etc and were exhausted....i think they are definitely old enough to take on chores and, for instance, do their own laundry to take some of the burden off of you...it might make things a little easier and teach them responsibility and how to care for themselves..just rambling here, but just wanted you to know that i care and hope you find the appreciation you deserve.:)
take care AG :-)
amy
Posted by allisonross on November 4, 2005, at 13:06:00
In reply to He Said, She Said, posted by AdaGrace on October 31, 2005, at 6:52:17
>Dearest AdaGrace: I am new here, and love what you write!
After a lovely (sarcastic tone dripping from my mouth) day of shopping and eating out with the family, I announced that I was going to take a day off this week and go shopping for our daughter's birthday coming up.
>
> My husband said, "Take a day off? A day off from what?"Rude, insensitive.
>
> In case I need to clarify, I am not working anymore., I lost my job over a month ago due to my place of employment going out of business.That must have been a shock.
Even though I realize that I have a financial burden to bear, I am receiving unemployment. This covers most of the same bills I was paying before, there just isn't any extra. I had already decided that I was going to take a few months off before I went back to work. I've worked very hard all my life, often 50+ hours a week for 20 years, and tried to raise three kids and keep a home clean and kept up. Even though I am not working, I have been busy every day since this happened. There have been many maintenance jobs that my husband could have done, but didn't, that I have done.
No excuse for that.
I have deep cleaned almost every room in the house. Etc. Etc. During this time I have also been helping renovate my Dad's rental house, including painting the outside. Now, yes, there have been maybe 3 or 4 days in which I did not do anything. Did not go out of the house, did not do any cleaning, did not cook. Just layed around and cried.
you poor sweetie.
But I think my average of 4 days out of 6 weeks is pretty good.
We aren't been to work like slaves/dogs. Even God took a day off! If we don't rest and take care of ourselves, we sure can't be good for anyone else.
>
> Was that a fair thing for my husband to say?No, it was nasty.
Or am I just crazy as usual like he said,
Calling you crazy is verbal abuse and disrespect!
and took it the wrong way?
That's what verbal abusers do: verbally attack you, then accuse you (the victim of the abuse) of "taking it the wrong way, or being "too sensitive"
I urge you to RUN, do not walk, and get the book that took me 25 years to find: The Verbally Abusive Relationship by patricia Evans
It saved my mind and life. I consider it to be 2nd, only in importance, to the Bible. A Ph.D. called it "the cornerstone of civilization." I agree totally.
I was married for 31 years to a verbal abuser. It is LITERAL brainwashing. Finally got the divorce, then experienced a kind of abuse I had never heard of: Spiritual Abuse; voted out of a 31-year church membership, with my name up on a big screen:
Followed by the words: CONDUCT UNBECOMING A CHILD OF GOD.
i counsel abused women (have been for 10 years, because of my lifetime (41 years in all) of abuse...as a child, first
You can read my story. i was published by an on-line psychiatric (amazed me) journal.
www.psychiatricjournal.com, entitled: The Transcendent Child on Overcoming Verbal and Spiritual Abuse
www.churchabusepoetrytherapy.com was the result of the church debacle. It has been a phenomenon.
Over 150 (faith-based) poems of anguish, healing, comfort and hope came pouring from my wounded soul.
Feel free to e-mail me: wacalice@aol.com
How can I help?
You can get that book at the library. Just make sure the husband doesn't see you reading it. he will attack you an disparage what you are reading. You can also go into Patricia Evans' website, or type in verbal abuse, or patriciaevans, etc...and get a lot of information.
The majority of women (I was one) don't even realize they are being verbally abused. Took me 25 years to find out . hugs and love, Ally
Posted by Susan47 on November 4, 2005, at 21:20:37
In reply to Re: He Said, She Said/This is VERBAL ABUSE! » AdaGrace, posted by allisonross on November 4, 2005, at 13:06:00
You know what? I'm reading your sob story and thinking, Jesus any guy who used me like that wouldn't get the time of day anymore. I'm a woman, damn it, and I like the privileges that come with that role. I like that some women still get taken care of by their men. I think that's fantastic, and I would LOVE to be a woman who could take advantage of that in a man. But I'm not, because I've never met the right person. In any case, just because I haven't that doesn't mean I would EVER stay with any man who made me earn my own keep.
We women have been conned. Don't you realize that? Don't hang up your garters .. USE THEM.
I'm a bitch, aren't I?
This is the end of the thread.
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